Feeling Better

After the horrible news yesterday morning and a day spent sulking silently, Matt decided we needed to go shopping after work. It was surprisingly liberating to buy a few items of clothing that actually FIT my body. Normally, I don't get a healing effect from spending money. In fact, generally, I think spending money is stressful. Yesterday, however, I just didn't care. It was wonderful and I felt so much better as we left.

Later, Matt had a softball game to go to and I stayed home to do laundry and pack for our trip today. (We're going home to NM for the weekend.) I was watching Grey's Anatomy- it was a crazy season premiere, by the way- when a pregnant woman having her severed arm reattached went into labor and had a baby. I sat there and watched the show, pretty contented and folding laundry, when, suddenly, they showed a room full of babies. They were adorable, all swaddled with their pink and blue baby hats and little tags on their beds saying "I'm a Boy!" and "I'm a Girl!". Seconds after their appearance on screen, I found myself bawling uncontrollably. I reached for the remote and tried to see through the blur of tears to change the channel, which I couldn't do fast enough. Then I sat there sobbing loudly and fully, tears pouring down my cheeks onto my pants and the floor. My hands were soaked and my nose was dripping and I just didn't care. And I couldn't stop, every time I tried to calm myself down I would wail loudly again and drop my head in my hands and pour out gut-wrenching sobs. I finally calmed down after about ten minutes when I went to the bathroom for tissue and saw my reflection. Who was this person? Who was this red-eyed, puffy-faced person who had just sobbed for ten minutes out of no where? Where did that come from? After I calmed down a bit, I just figured that I had been angry all day and hadn't let myself really experience the sadness I felt. I guess my body decided my emotions needed to explode.

Today, I'm feeling much better. I got up and put on my new clothes- one of my most favorite things, did my hair, and came to work feeling pretty. I'm excited to go home and be around family, and so glad it's Friday.

I am...

In need of a reason to smile today. I was three days late and started to hope. What a stupid thing to do as I woke up to red this morning.

Late At Night

To be perfectly honest...it is these times late at night, when Love is asleep, when my thoughts are allowed to turn to the pain of having an empty womb, that my truest emotions come out unashamedly and I acknowledge my tears. I face up to my fears of never carrying a child, and wonder if I can handle that. I know there are thousands of women who are in a much worse situation than I am, but late at night...I don't want to try to explain away my emotions...I want to let them out. I want to stop feeling bad for being upset that so many women around me are able to conceive...some without much thought at all. I want to stop feeling like it's my fault, to stop wondering if there's something I'm doing wrong that would keep me from motherhood.
Most of the time, I keep my fears and emotions at bay- while trying to acknowledge all the good things I have in my life. And I do have SO MANY good things! I have a Husband who loves me eternally and wholly and who I know will stay by my side and be strong and fight with me, no matter what. I have family who supports me and knows my pain and tries as much as they can to be understanding. I have friends who are loyal and who try to keep my mind on other things- and who will yell at me when I need a wake up call. I have faith in God and Jesus Christ that they know what they are doing- and I do try to trust them- and I'm so grateful for the comfort they give me during this trial in my life. It is late at night- in my weaker moments, when the bustle of everyday life settles and my thoughts collect- that my fears come creeping in...bringing along the flood of tears I've been pushing down.
It's the quiet moments during the car ride home, after my sister-in-law announces she's pregnant, and I realize I'm the only one in that family, who wants to be, that's not. It's when my Husband grabs my hand, realizing I've been quietly letting the tears rush down my face as I stare out the window, and asks if I'm OK. It's then when I admit that, no, I'm not. I stammer through my sobs that I'm so happy for her because I know that she's been wanting this for a while. I say I appreciate how gentle she was when she announced it...that she gave me the opportunity to cry without making me feel guilty. But, I'm so angry that I don't get to be pregnant. That I don't get to feel that joy. That I have to see people close to me enjoy what I want the most. Then I immediately feel guilty when my Husband tells me she FEELS BAD for being pregnant when I'm not. NO ONE should have to feel bad that they are pregnant. And I'm SO SORRY to anyone who is close to me, or even if you're not, if I've ever made you feel bad for being pregnant when I'm not. I want you to be pregnant...just as much as I want it. So, why am I so terribly jealous and bitter sometimes?
Well, I guess that's the selfishness in me. The part of me that I'm trying to keep soft and not sharp. But I know that sometimes you get stabbed by the feathers in your pillow. So, tonight I let the softness of my tears flow freely along with the bitterness of the sharps that sometimes surface. I hope you can understand that sometimes, late at night, I just need to cry, and rage, and cry...and hope those who listen will not judge me.


There's a part of me that wonders if we'll ever get to the point where we're not moving money around in order to live. Don't get me wrong, we always have enough for what we need- you know, food, shelter, cars, gas, etc. However, it seems like every time we want to do something fun, or get a new shirt, or buy Love new pants- since the zipper broke in two of them and I'm no seamstress- we never seem to have enough. So, we'll put it off and put it off until it does become a need- like the pants- and then we have to scramble. I am the finance guru of our little family, so I am the one who takes the brunt of the stress.
I have been thinking a lot lately of going back to school, or buying nice camera and taking some photography classes...but every time those thoughts cross my mind I get a big neon banner running through my head:
Now, I know that I'm not the only one who sometimes feels the massive weight of expenses weighing down on me. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you cope? What do you do to relieve the stress?

A Mess

Well, it has been some week. I ended up being sick through the entire week, missing three days of work. However, because my employer refuses to award us sick leave, I had to use vacation time for those days. The problem is, I didn't have enough vacation time to cover three days. So, I had to work from home...sick. I'm sure that really helped me to recover more quickly. On Friday I was still not quite myself, but had to come in to work anyway.
Friday evening Love and I flew to New Mexico. My grandparents flew us out so we could attend their 50th Anniversary Celebration. To make a long story short, let's just say the plane seated 30 people, it was hot, and I didn't feel well. Saturday I was feeling a little better, still not digesting food, but better. I was able to pay a visit to my best friend, which was so much fun. Later, we went to the New Mexico State Fair with Nell & Chad, the newlyweds. It was fun, but I ate way too much junk- as you might have guessed- which didn't end so well. Sunday was The Big Party. The celebration turned out to be a blast! We danced the night away- including a "Saturday Night Fever" performance complete with a floor slide by Matt, "The Carlton" by Chad, and a YMCA performance by the men of the family. We flew home at the crack of dawn- making our flight by the skin of our teeth- Monday.
Today, I am puzzled by the appearance of the evil red stuff- again- a week early. My boobs don't hurt this time and I don't feel as weird as last month, but I can't get rid of this nauseous feeling. Not that it means anything because I'm still not properly digesting food.
So, to sum up:
* The weekend was fun
* I'm a mess
In good news, the weather was a bit chilly this morning so I had to wear a hoodie- my favorite thing. The leaves are already changing- Utah is gorgeous in the Fall. I'm just waiting for the pace of life to slow down just a tad more.



Thing #1: I spent Saturday here. We went up to celebrate my nephew's 3rd birthday at their family cabin. It was breathtaking and peaceful. I didn't realize until I arrived how much I had been needing to get away. I needed to take a moment to breathe fresh air and take in the silence. Refreshed and relaxed I think I'm ready to take on the week.

Thing #2: Judging by the comments, or lack thereof, on my last post, I'm assuming you are just as confused as I am. I guess I will keep stewing about it. Would you to the same? Maybe we can brainstorm later.

Thing #3: I have scheduled an appointment with a new OB/GYN. I don't necessarily dislike my present OB/GYN, but I have had several small issues with his office, building up over time and, last month, the pile toppled over. I was desperately trying to get in touch with his office to schedule an appointment. I needed to have them check me out after all those crazy symptoms last month. I still haven't been able to reach them. SO, I'm getting a second opinion on everything. Who knows? Maybe I'll switch for good. New Doctor is closer, I have friends that go to him, and (because of them) he's aware of our situation and said he'd love to try and help us. I hope this is a good move.
Last Thing: I am trying to expand my subject matter when it comes to photography. My dinner looked so pretty last night so I took a snapshot with my dinky camera. What do you think?




"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write if he is ultimately to be at peace with himself. What one can be, one must be."
- Abraham Maslow
I believe in this quote wholeheartedly, but I have been struggling with it quite a bit lately. I know we're meant to work hard in this life. I know that thousands of people work everyday in a job that means nothing but money to them. Are we supposed to spend the majority of our lives doing something that means nothing to us? How do I do what I love AND pay the bills? How do I find time to do both? What do you think? How do you accomplish this?

One Track Mind***Updated

Ok, so I know this is all I've been talking about lately, but my mind is consumed by it. I am still in limbo, though, as the days progress, I am feeling less and less hopeful. What I thought might be implantation bleeding has not stopped- like it should. It's gotten slightly heavier, but still no different than, say, the last day or two of AF. I had a very grumpy, tired, crampy day yesterday. So much so that I went home early from work and Matt VOLUNTEERED to go do our grocery shopping. AT WALMART. BY HIMSELF. I was shocked and very pleased that I didn't have to go. I stayed home and rested. Poor guy dealt gracefully with my bitter countenance all evening. I love him so.

Anyway, I think I'm going to try calling my doctor today. Maybe he can shed some light on my current situation. I'm hoping to get some sort of explanation for what's been going on, but I'm pretty sure they'll just tell me to take a test- which frustrates the living crap out of me. I have thought of taking a test, and my best friend has even given me some insight into a good one, but I guess I'm just a little afraid to. I hate being in limbo, but with all the craziness going on...I'm afraid of getting a false negative, or a false positive. So, I've decided to wait it out. If nothing changes by Saturday, I will take a test. For now, I'll just sit here on the edge of my seat.

***Hello AF. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are like that annoying person you can't get rid of. The person that constantly interrupts a quite couple moment, family gatherings, and pool parties because you show up either uninvited, early, or late. I go for so long without seeing you and just about the time I think you're going to leave me alone, you rear your ugly, red head. Not to mention the pain you bring emotionally and physically. I'm sorry, AF, but right now, I hate you.


Well, it could be implantation bleeding OR it could be the beginnings of a very early AF. I.DON'T.KNOW. I am holding out hope that it isn't AF, but I am, understandably, skeptical. I mean, do we need to go back to several older posts to remember what usually happens in this case? The only thing that leaves me with hope is that I have NEVER felt like this before. That Fall Cleaning project I had in mind? I have made a TO DO LIST in order to be able to do things one at a time throughout the next month. I simply did not have the energy to to it all yesterday. In fact, I barely had the energy to clean the bathroom. I had to sit down like every 20 minutes. I am so tired I can't even relax or I might fall asleep. I am having these strange, low, cramps and little, I don't know, fluttery feelings in my abdomen. I get what I can only describe as something similar to stomach cramps if I wait too long to eat. I rarely get heartburn and have had it 3 times since Wednesday. If I get to hot, I get nauseous. I really don't know what to make of it. I am praying that all these symptoms spell what I'm hoping for. If not, something is seriously wrong with me.

Fall Cleaning and a Bundle of Joy?

Thank you to those who commented on my last post. I appreciate your words and will try to think of a way to make small changes that will make me feel better. Speaking of small changes, it is moving time for our family. Only this year, for the very first time, we are NOT moving. I'm not certain yet how I feel about it. I have figured out that moving time is when I usually do my "Spring Cleaning". You know, move the fridge and the stove and tackle the nasties living underneath. Or unpacking every box you own so you can remember what crap is stored there and why you are still keeping it- or maybe this will be the year you decide to toss it. I guess I've just become accustomed to moving and the refreshing feeling I get from reorganizing everything I own and starting over. Since we're not moving, and since I can't get the moving bug out of my hair, I think I'm just going to do all the deep cleaning (we'll call it "Fall Cleaning"), reorganizing, and I think I'm going to start coming up with small ways to make my apartment feel more like me. Does anybody know of any good design blogs? I need some fresh ideas.
In other news, I feel strange today. The last few days I have been unbelievable exhausted. To the point that I can get 8-9 hours of sleep at night and still feel tired all day. I mean, I'm all droopy-eyed and yawning at 9 pm. Anyone who knows me well, knows that's not normal. Also, I have been...um visiting the ladies room far more often than usual- up to and including the middle of the night. Oh, and if I don't eat for a long period of time, I get stomach cramps. Oh, and I keep getting terrible heartburn. Last, but not least, the sisters? Ouch. Anyway, so my cute little brain has me thinking I may be pregnant. Of course, we all know how that has turned out in the past, but here's hoping. I should know in a few days. (Sorry, I was supposed to have written this post last night, but the stomach cramps interfered.) Anyway, pray for us!


Sometimes I wonder if this blog is really doing me any good. I started out with a purpose, but the more I review what I've written, especially most recently, the more I feel like my purpose has been lost. I am no closer to "a state of balance" (equipoise) than I was when I started. Life, seems to always get in the way. Wow, what a funny thing to say. Shouldn't life be about balance? Shouldn't we all be striving to balance our creativity with our responsibilities? I wish I had enough talent in one creative area that my responsibilities could be taken care of by it. I wish I could make a living doing something I love, instead of wasting time in a cubicle to pay my bills. I see so many of you wonderful bloggers that are talented at sewing, at crafts, at illustration, painting, or photography. Your posts leave me awestruck. Many of you have a talent with words- something I used to pride myself in- that leave me breathless with how beautiful your posts are. Lately, I feel like everything I write is more of an update on my life. I feel like life has gotten so busy, or has gotten away from me enough, that I can't concentrate the energy I want to on my creativity and especially on this blog. I don't even have a header, and haven't in a while, because I can't find the time- or the creativity- to make one. I have lost my identity as a blogger. So, I am going to ask those of you that read my blog, what keeps you coming back? What is it that I write that you like the most? What is it that you don't like? I am too close to the problem to really see what it is that I am doing wrong. I can't figure out exactly what to change that will make me feel better about blogging. I would appreciate your feedback on this. I hope to make a few changes here very soon. I'm afraid that, if I can't figure out what to change, I may just quit blogging. I want to make sure my time is invested wisely, and right now, this blog isn't evidence of time well spent. Thank you in advance for your help.

Remedies for Wednesday

On Wednesdays I often find myself sitting in my chair at work, wondering how I'll possibly make it through two more days. Let's be honest, in a 9-5 world, you live for the weekends! Today, I decided I needed to do something for me. So, I decided to get my hair cut. Truth be told, I have been meaning to for a while, but I kept putting it off.

After work, I headed straight for the salon and was surprised to find no wait. Immediately, they did my favorite thing about a haircut- washed my hair. I don't know what is is about someone else washing your hair that is so relaxing, but I just melt into that chair and let them massage away my stress. I didn't do anything real drastic, just added some layers and removed some length, but there is just something a little freeing about seeing bits of hair fall to the floor. I let her style my hair before I left and, for once, didn't leave feeling ridiculous- thank you Hip Young Stylist. Oh, and whatever it was she put in my hair smelled divine. I just felt good, and that was pleasant on a Wednesday.

After my cut, I had dinner with my girl friend at one of my favorite pasta places- the one that Matt won't take me to. It was nice to have a little time to be a girl and talk about anything. We sat outside to enjoy the beautiful day and just took our time. My boring Wednesday turned out to be lovely, all because I took a little time for me. What could you to to lighten your mood on a boring day?

Three cheers and goodbye to this crazy summer!

Hello Internets! How I have missed you. Time flies when you lose your mind! Well it has been a busy two weeks. Here is a brief break down.

Cheer number one: I went home for my sister's wedding. I spent the whole time finishing pew bows and running around town for last minute things. I also enjoyed spending time with my family. We had lots of late nights, especially Friday- the night before the wedding- when we were at the church until almost midnight setting up. Saturday, August 4th me and sis woke up early and headed off to her hair appointment. Soon after, we drove to a local department store so a friend could do her make-up. We got to the church in time with her looking lovely an me looking...well, less than spectacular. As a bridesmaid curled my hair, I did my make-up while trying to oversee everything in the bride's room. My best friend, Allison, captured quite a decent picture of me- among several other lovelies. She was the photographer for the wedding, I can't wait to see the rest! After pictures, the wedding began. I did fine emotionally until my beautiful Sister walked down the aisle on the arm of my Dad. The wedding was filled with lots of music and I was asked to play my flute alongside my other sister, Kristin, while my parents sang. After the ring ceremony, as a bawling mess, I sang "The Rose" by Bette Midler while the wedding party made their way out of the chapel. (From what I've been told, it sounded good, but I couldn't tell...I was just trying to concentrate on breathing.) The wedding video I made turned out lovely, I was so proud. The reception was full of good food, great music, family and friends chattering and catching up, camera lights flashing repeatedly, and a couple that couldn't take their eyes from each other. One of the highlights was a dance for all married couples. As the music played the DJ eliminated couples based on how long they'd been married. At the end, only our grandparents were left. We sat teary-eyed watching as my wheelchair-bound grandfather was pushed around rhythmically by my sweet grandma and while our other set of grandparents lovingly guided each other across the floor. At sixty-one years our grandparents finally sat down and we all applauded their love and long commitment. The whole day was tasteful and breathtaking and I am so excited to have another Brother-In-Law. Congratulations my Sister and her new Husband! I love you both!

Cheer number two: After a one day break, my mom, two sisters, one new brother, and my little brother drove up to Utah for a similar type of celebration for Matt and I. I don't often talk about religion on the internet because I hold it dear and sacred, but for this I will make an exception. In my religion, we believe that you can be married for eternity, not just until death do you part. On Wednesday, August 8th, Matt and I were married (again) for time and all eternity. I can tell you that it was the single best day of my life to this point and, even if you don't understand it, please know that this is something most important to me...something for which I've been waiting a long time. We are so happy!  Matt's family has been so supportive and we loved having them with us that day. It was so nice to have my family up here, and wonderful that my Sister and new Brother were able to spend their honeymoon in Park City so as to be here for our day. We ended up spending a lot more time with them than we anticipated and their absence from our home is greatly missed.

Cheer number three: Although I was sad to see my family go...and am still missing them two days later...I am excited for life to slow down a little. I want to see my house in order and my schedule reset. I want to spend more alone time with Matt and have more nights relaxing at home. I'm looking forward to fall. I love to watch the leaves turn colors and feel the coolness of the nights. I love the little spooks that visit us on All Hallows Eve and the opportunity to give thanks for all our blessings. I'm ready to say goodbye to summer for another year...


I am back. The trip was awesome, the wedding was gorgeous, I cried A LOT. I have so much to tell, but this week is crazy and I have a zillion blogs to catch up on...give me a couple days???

Another List

* I don't think I'm pregnant this month.
* I have never been this tired.
* Running late and last minute packing don't mix well.
* The air freshener in my car made me nauseous this morning.
* I DO NOT want to work today.
* I am moved to tears every time I think about my sister getting married.
* I am so excited to go home to New Mexico!!!!!!!!!
* And finally, I am not sure if/ when I will be able to post again this week. The wedding will probably keep me extremely busy.

Adults Want Summer To End

When you're a kid, the thought of summer ending is equal to the end of days. I can't wait till it's over. Have you ever had stress build up so much that you just want to shut down? That's where I am. I have too much going on right now and, seemingly, no time to do it all. Every day ends with me failing to accomplish several things on my to do list. I'm getting frustrated- and behind. Honestly, I can't wait until summer is over. I feel like, if I can just get through August, I'll be alright. Things will calm down and life can get back to normal. In the meantime, I am just not feeling very creative. I have lost equipoise. Please bear with me.

Tuesday or Saturday?

Funny, it seems like yesterday was just a brief interruption of a long weekend. It's strange to sleep in, only to wake up and realize it's not Saturday, it's Tuesday. When the strangeness wears away, you are grateful for the nice interruption of the work week.
It's Pioneer Day and, here in Utah, it is a state holiday. We spend the day in remembrance of our Pioneer heritage and try to remember that, if not for them, we might not be living here. One of the traditions is camping out in the ghetto for first glimpses of the early morning runners with a parade to follow. Last night, we went to our family camp space (no we did not camp) to spend some time with them. Normally, we find a nice quiet spot where we can play Catchphra$e and eat junk food. This year, however, we managed to find two groups of the most inconsiderate people imaginable to flank both sides.
The evening began quite peacefully with kids running around us playing, good conversation and laughter, and some games. As the night progressed, the spot next to us was suddenly enveloped in bug spray. Enough that we were left coughing and, most certainly, protected against any pest that came our way. Soon after, we were confronted with another foul odor. Yes, people were cooking. AT. MIDNIGHT. Some infernal rodent that filled our nostrils and sickened our stomachs. Trying not to let the smoke and the smell bother us, we looked to our other side where a startlingly large group of drunken youngsters were pumping their music and carrying on. Many of them parading back and forth along our strip of sidewalk cussing and yelling IN. FRONT. OF. OUR. YOUNG. CHILDREN. When one of them had the gall to tell my niece she should be asleep (she was having a little trouble, you know, with all the yelling) we about lost it.
At 12:30, we noticed sparks flying. The rodent chefs were doing FIREWORKS. At first it wasn't bad, they were quiet ones and the sparks didn't travel far. Not long after, though, the sparks were traveling farther and LANDING ON OUR SLEEPING KIDS! Three angry moms went searching for the cops. Two angry dads confronted the rodent chefs about the sparks. Their reply was, "Oh, we didn't notice." Oh, so you're blind? How convenient. Then came the oh-so-familiar screaming and popping noises. Frustration rising, we hoped that three angry moms would come back soon with found cops. Three angry moms came back, no cops. Apparently cops' response was, "Happy Holidays." RIGHT. Ok, so what about the fact that they are setting them off in the turning lane? S.W.A.T. mob rode up on bicycles and asked the rodent chefs to keep the fireworks out of the lane. Apparently, the rodent chefs are deaf too because they did their finale further into the turning lane as we were spitting smoke.
Finally, the show was over and rodent chefs turned peaceful. But, of course, drunken youngsters need music. One of them stumbled over to their car and started blasting their music and dancing not ten feet away. Apparently, drunken teenagers had mom's present who yelled at them to turn it off. By this time, Love had enough and we had to leave. (He sometimes has to remove himself from a situation to control his temper.) As we drove away, drunken teenagers had their music on again. We wished our family luck, went home, and crawled into bed. What a night.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a great Pioneer Day!

These Days I'm Looking Up

Today, and pretty much everyday, I am obsessed with the sky.
Filthy Sunset
A Moment in Time
A Promise
Floating in a Topaz Sky
Interrupted Sky

Three's A Crowd

Well, unless of course the third is a baby. I fear that fate has stepped in, yet again, our path to pregnancy. It's kind of hard to make a baby when you have fate smack dab in the middle of the sheets. Why? My peak ferility days fall on this Saturday and Sunday. This weekend I will be in New Mexico for the Bridal Shower...Love is not coming. We decided to try anyway...but I'm not expecting much this month.

The Week From...

What a crazy week it's been! I have so much going on right now. I'm being pulled in ten different directions and I have no idea where to start. Right now my focus is finishing plans for my sister's Bridal Shower. It has been very stressful lately and I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I keep taking notes and making plans and depositing them everywhere. I decided it's high time I buy a day planner before I am buried in post-it notes. It's going to be big, 100 people were sent invitations and I'm an inexperienced party planner...any advice for the stress bucket? (I promise to post pictures of the event once I finish everything.)
Here's a breakdown of last week:
* Last Wednesday our good friends came up from Las Vegas to stay with us for our mutual friends' wedding. I had spent the previous 3 days working 10 hour shifts and I was exhausted. We were excited to have them so we stayed up way to late talking. I woke up too early Thursday and went to work my last four hours of a very long work week. After my shift we went to the Salt Lake Temple to be there after the wedding. They came out looking ecstatic and gorgeous and it was a whirlwind of congrats and pictures. The heat got to us after a while so we left and ran errands. Their luncheon was later that afternoon and we were running late. Then we got stuck in traffic on the way there and ended up being an hour late. We were so embarrassed our stomachs were churning as we walked in the doors. We were welcomed promptly and the churning stopped. It ended up being a fun, but very long day.
* Friday we took the day off to spend time with our friends. We were all tired and lazy from the previous day- not to mention the fact that our men went golfing at the crack of dawn and were exhausted the rest of the day. Since we couldn't get them up and moving us wives decided to get ready for the day. (We had been waiting because we were SUPPOSED to go swimming. Oh well.) We had planned to go out for sushi but, when we got to the restaurant, the baby wasn't having a good night so we left. The boys had pizza at home with baby and the girls went out to O1ive Garden for a night away.
* Saturday I returned a surprise phone call from my best friend, love squalor, saying she was in town!!! We made the short trip down to Orem and crashed her family reunion. We had a couple hours of catching up and had to be on our way back home for dinner with a group of friends. It was so great to see her and precious Esme. I hope I get to see them again when I'm in New Mexico next week for the shower.
* Sunday was a hard day. I have a sister, Shaina Rose, who died on July 1st, 1994 three hours after coming into this world. She was born with a condition called Trisomy 18, which basically means she was missing her 18th chromosome. Without it she was premature, her hands and feet curled in, and her diaphragm never developed. With no diaphragm her right lung never developed and she couldn't breathe. I was 11 years old when she came in and out of our lives. Thirteen years later I carry on a tradition my family started of writing her a message on a balloon and releasing it into the sky. Love has been kind and supportive of this every year. For some reason, her birthday hit me hard this year. I am not certain why, maybe because I so desperately want a baby of my own and, for a second, the thought of the loss my Mother must have felt that day hit me. Our lesson at church was focused on loss...not just loss of a loved one, but loss of anything. I believe all couples desperate for a baby know the feeling of loss you experience every month you don't conceive. I felt that loss very strongly on Sunday. After church we went to my sister-in-law's house for family dinner. I have mentioned my other sister-in-law before. She and I have been trying for almost the same amount of time. Her doctor put her on Clom1d and she announced her pregnancy on Sunday afternoon. As happy as I was for them and for the hope it brought me that it might actually happen for me, I was already very emotional and tried very hard not to burst into tears. After much hemming and hawing- because I was trying to hide my glassy eyes and red face- I finally went up and gave her a hug and told her how happy I was for her. The tears flowed promptly and she- being the wonderful sister she is and having experienced the same feelings I had- cried too. We stood there and held each other for a while. She admitted to being worried about telling me. I hope she truly does understand that I am ecstatic for them...just a little sad for me.
*Monday and Tuesday flew by, I worked and hung out with friends. Tuesday night we went to the annual family barbecue and watched a decent fireworks show. Wednesday it was time for our friends to leave. They packed up their car, we hugged them goodbye and walked back into our empty house. It was sad to see them leave. We really enjoyed having them here so long and remembered how much we miss them living here. I will admit that it was nice to get back to my routine...we all know I am structure and routine oriented...
*Thursday felt like another Monday. Having a holiday in the middle of the week really threw me off! After a long day at work I went to Love's softball game. After the game we invited ourselves over to the newlywed's house to see their place and hang out for a bit. They ended up making us the best spaghetti we've ever had and we left too late for me to write last night.
So that's it. After looking it over, I'm afraid I might have bored you all to death. Sorry. At least you're updated now...

A Monday Story

I stirred this morning, stretched my arm back and felt my secondary pillow. Instantly a thought came to mind, "An extra pillow means I need to wake up." (Don't ask...I'm still wondering myself.) I jumped up and looked at the clock. "Oh no!!!! It's 6:48!" (Supposed to wake up at 6:20.) Throwing the covers back I hopped lightly onto the floor and floated...uh stumbled to the bathroom. Blah blah, then turned on the shower, undressed and got in. Fastest.shower.ever. Afterward I yelled to Love, "Wake up!" "Moan" (love) I made my way to the closet, picked out clean clothes, threw them on and went back to the bathroom. My hair was quickly thrown into an (unflattering) up-do, a wet one, and my face was quickly dusted, colored, and mascara'd (??). Rushing to the kitchen, I threw some food in a bag and ran out the door.

That is how my day started. Here is what followed:

-Stress over money

-Love not in a good mood

-Anger towards lazy people

-Bridal shower grief

-Fighting about money

-Good sale turned sour

-Ate lunch at my desk while working

-Ten hour shift

-Didn't finish all tasks

-Didn't have time to pick up important package

-Traffic- while fighting about money


Thankfully things are better now. Still hate Mondays, money, and a few other things. Time to sleep and try again tomorrow.


Yesterday we went to West Fest, a carnival in West Valley City, UT. Here are a few captured moments:


The craziest ride, our friends M and A, and Love.


Some amazing fireworks taken by my silly little Samsung Digimax 4010.**


And finally, the "shrapnel" that fell on us through the entire show.

I got me a partner!

Well, I got one a long time ago...but Love has agreed to start getting up and running with me in the morning! If there's one thing I've learned about myself over the years, it's that I AM NOT a self-motivated person. I must have a reason, a friend, or a prepared task that gives me incentive to do something. If I have that, I'm great. I am a doer, a go-getter, a task...completer...??? Yeah, something like that. If not, I'm sunk. It's terribly sad, I know...but don't worry. If I don't have a motivator, I am excellent at complaining.

In baby news, well, there really isn't any. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not this month...and honestly...I am not really to worried about it. Maybe I'm in denial...maybe I have found some sort of peace about the whole thing for a while...maybe I'm just tired. Yes, tired. I'm tired of thinking about it constantly. Sick of letting it take over my life. I have so much stress in my life right now and sometimes I feel like if I could just get pregnant...a lot of it would be relieved. To me, stress may be something keeping me from getting there. So, I'm trying to take a step back. I want to start focusing on me, on Love, on getting in shape, finding more time for creative things. Maybe if I just try to step out of it for a bit...I'll conceive. Who knows? It's worth a shot right? Don't worry, we're definitely not giving up. We are still trying...still...well you know...on the right days and all that. Yet we're trying to focus on other things for a while. If that doesn't work by the end of the summer, then we'll look at our budget and see if we can fit in those (high cost, not covered by insurance- that's another topic though) options that the Doctor gave us. I want a baby soooo bad. I'm aching to be a mother and to let Love experience the fatherhood he never got to have with his daughter. I guess I'm just not ready to give up on nature yet. Has anyone else had this problem?

Screws, Pain, and Fatigue

Wow, it's been a few days huh? Well, I did go see the doctor on Thursday. After a significant amount of poking and prodding (which made my semi-pain-free arm hurt enormously), me worrying that I didn't know if I was pregnant or not this month (ha!) and an x-ray wearing double lead and sitting as far away from the x-ray table as my arm would allow...we know exactly nothing. The one screw that is bothering me seems to be slightly unaligned with the rest, but not enough to tell if it is actually loose. So, right now, I'm just waiting. The doctor wants to see if maybe it was hit and is just inflamed, or if it is actually coming loose. I have an appointment for a month from now, which I will keep if the pain persists. As of now, my arm actually feels fine most of the time. Let's all hope it stays that way...at least until after summer.

My three major Monday complaints are:

* I woke up with a stomach ache AGAIN this morning. What is up with that?

* I had a relaxing, boring weekend. Why am I so freakin tired?

* Work

Let's all just get through today huh?

P.S. I haven't had one spare moment of time lately to go on a picture hunt for my header...please be patient with me! :-)

Drawing is NOT like riding a bike...you do forget.

Drawing talents before...(not even too wonderful then)


And now...the pencil is struggling to find it's way...


But I'm trying again and that's what is important, right? (sorry for the crappy pictures...they weren't dark enough to be really clear.)

A list...

Reasons why this is a terrible Monday:

* I went to bed late and woke up exhausted

* Not only exhausted, but with stomach cramps

* I have plates and screws in my left forearm from crashing on a bicycle 11 years ago. Saturday my arm started to hurt. Over the past couple days a bump has developed and I think one of the screws is coming out. Very painful. I have an appointment on Thursday to get it checked out, but most likely, I will have to have surgery to get them all removed- after which I will have to wear a cast (again) for 6 weeks.

* My fingernail IS indeed going to fall off

* I am already stressed out between work, functioning during daily activities, and trying to have a baby...along with Matron of Honor duties for my sister's wedding. Now, I have to get x-rays, have surgery and wear a cast- which probably means no baby for at least two more months and I will have a deformed finger to go along with it.

* The worst part? The arm, at least, could have been avoided if I had gotten the screws removed a year after the surgery (as my doctor recommended knowing this would happen eventually) and worn the cast then.

All I have to say is...grrrrrrr

Equipoise Beginnings: The final installment

I'm finally posting the third and final installment of our beginnings. You'll want to read part one and part two if you haven't already! :-)

Once Love graduated AIT, we packed up our things and made the long drive back to New Mexico. We were allotted 4 weeks to go home, pack up all of our belongings (most of which we left in Love's Parents' garage), and spend a little time with family before heading to North Carolina- where we were to be stationed.

While we were in Virginia, my Mom had spearheaded all plans for our reception. See, only a few people from our family were able to attend our ceremony with two days notice, so we decided to go ahead and have a reception as soon as Love was done with training. So, we arrived in New Mexico a few days before the reception. It was a whirlwind of dress fittings and last minute plans. My mom was pregnant at the time and, unfortunately, lost the baby right before my reception. It was very hard for her and for all of us, but invitations were out and plans were drawn. So, we took over. Luckily, my mom being the organizer she is, had everything drawn out, where the decorations were to be placed, she had people doing food and everything was set. When the day arrived, I took my sisters to get our nails, hair, and make-up done. We went to the church to help set up and get last minute things going. Then I went and got into my dress and the party started. It was a wonderful day and, even though I missed out on the bridal showers and bachelorette parties, it seemed so worth it.

We stayed for a few more weeks, then packed up and made our third trek across the country to Fort Bragg, North Carolina. We arrived there nearly poor, living off credit cards, and ready to settle into our new house on base and really start our lives together. Unfortunately, we arrived at a busy time and they wouldn't have a house for us for two months. They would allow us to stay on post in a hotel for a short time, but we would have to pay up front and they would reimburse us. This was the way of the army. Thankfully, Love's best friend in AIT already had a house and an extra room they offered until our house was ready. We gratefully took them up on their offer and moved in. The next couple of months were hard as tensions rose. It's hard to cram two newlyweds into one small house and work out meals. Soon, it was all over, though, and we got into our cute little townhouse.


Everything was going fine, I found a job working part-time and Love was doing well at his job. We'd made some friends and things were working. Then Love started changing...very gradually. His mood would change, we would fight a lot, he was turning into a different person. Finally, around Thanksgiving 2004 we were sitting on our friend's front porch talking and he said, "I think I might be depressed." His family has a strong history of depression and suddenly it all made sense. He went to talk to the Chaplain- kind of a religious advisor to soldiers- who referred him to a psychiatrist. After meeting with her a few times, they determined it was, in fact, depression and put him on meds. She also put in a recommendation for him to be medically discharged from the Army. We were promised it would be anywhere from a week to a month. So we put our lives on hold, I told my boss and we waited. And waited. Seven months later, after much arguing, tears, heartache, and a very angry visit I made to his First Sergeant, we were released.

It was a long and troublesome fourth trip cross-country that included several U-haUl breakdowns (don't ever use them!!!), a few crappy hotels, and our dog, Daisy and her two puppies Bella and Jack:


After a stop off in NM to get the U-haul fixed (twice), we finally reached our new home, Salt Lake City, UT. Love's sister and brother-in-law were kind enough to let us stay with them (making the fourth family we'd lived with during our short 1.5 year marriage) until we could find jobs, a place to live, and get back on our feet. We did and we've been doing great to this day!

So that is our story, at least the short(er) version.


Love started his new job yesterday and loves it! (YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!) He was excited because he got to order "anything he wanted" from the C0rporate Express catalog for his desk.

Brief conversation on the phone at work:

Love: "So, my stapler does twenty pages at a time!"

Me: "Twenty?"

Love: "Yeah, it's strong enough to staple twenty pages together!"

Me: "Great!"

Love: "I got a hardcore stapler!"

Me: (laughing) "A hardcore stapler?"

Love: "Yeah, it's like loading a handgun!"

Boys never grow up!

Equipoise Beginnings Part Two

No such luck, I'm not pregnant this month...again. Anyway, on with the story:

(You'll want to read Part One first.)

On February 8th, 2004, after spending a month and a half working, planning, and missing Love. I set off, by myself, on the cross country drive from Albuquerque, NM to Jackson, SC to see Love graduate basic training- after which we were supposed to get him settled in Richmond, VA and I would continue on to stay with Love's Aunt and Uncle in Springfield, VA for the duration of his AIT (secondary training). It took me four days as my family, and Love, didn't want me driving after dark or for too long each day. I made my first stop in Dallas, TX, where a nice LDS couple (strangers) let me stay with them for the night. They fed me grilled cheese and tomato soup. The following day I stopped in Jackson, MS and stayed in a hotel with damp sheets. The third day I stayed in Atlanta, GA with a friend of Love's Dad. He had a loud, obnoxious child and fed me pot stickers. The next day I waited for Love's parents to fly in from Atlanta, GA. I found them at the airport and followed them the short 3 hour drive to our hotel in South Carolina. I listened to a radio broadcast of a TV show...the name escapes me. It was my first cross country trip and the longest drive I ever made. Thinking back over the course of my trip, I listened, and sang along at the top of my lungs, to every CD I owned- twice- saw advertisements in french in Louisiana, the wide Mississippi River, and a city called Newton...while I was eating fig newtons.

Love's parents and I arrived in South Carolina, checked into our shared hotel room and fell promptly into bed. The next morning we arose, I was so excited to see Love I could barely sit still. We arrived on base and went searching for him. His drill sergeants were running them through a graduation practice. We would see them soon. Unfortunately, someone broke formation to talk to a family member. They were chastised and forced to drop and do push-ups, in front of their family, causing us to wait longer. Finally, they were released to spend time with us. I wanted so badly to embrace him, but couldn't because he was in uniform and it wasn't allowed. We were allotted a few hours to spend talking with him in the gym. It was wonderful to see him, but so dictated and very difficult. After what seemed like minutes, we had to go. The night was restless. Morning came and we prepared for his graduation. It was cold and overcast. We sat in the bleachers and watched the ceremony. I remember feeling so proud of all he'd accomplished so far...and waiting impatiently for it to be over so I could see him. After graduation the soldiers were released for the night. Once we got in the car and got off base, we were finally permitted to embrace, it was the best hug ever. We went back to the hotel where Love's parents left to give us some "alone time." After wards, we all went to Texas Roadh0use and ate a big meal. Then we took Love back where he would sleep, then catch the bus with all the soldiers headed to Richmond.

The next morning, Love's parents left early to catch their flight home. I slept in a little, checked out of the hotel, and was on my way to Virginia. When I arrived at Fort Lee, I didn't know where Love was, or where I could find him so we could spend our weekend together before I headed to Springfield. It was Valentine's Day. He had called me once from his bus, but I hadn't heard from him since. I parked in a hotel parking lot on base and waited- for hours. Finally, I decided to try and find his company. I drove all over base looking for company L. I finally located the company and walked in to try and find him, and find out what was going on. I was upset, I walked in a talked to someone at the front desk and they went and found Love for me. (They had to pull him out of a meeting.) They let him take me outside, my bawling was distracting the other soldiers, and explain the situation. I wasn't allowed to touch him except just hold his hand. I was frustrated and lost in a strange new place and had been alone for hours. I was angry and crying and wanted to know why he hadn't been released to spend the weekend with me as I thought. It turns out, there was a miscommunication between bases. Fort Jackson said we would get time with our soldiers, Fort Lee wanted the weekend to get the new soldiers ready to begin training on Monday. I was sobbing, Love was helpless, then they forced him to go inside. I told him I'd stay in a hotel just off base and leave the next morning to Springfield. I cried all night.

The next morning I made the short two hour drive to Springfield and entered the houseful of strangers I would spend the next few months with. I am not very good at meeting new people. I am very shy and put up a wall until I get to know people better. I spent the day unpacking with tears streaming down my face. They left me alone. Love was supposed to get a pass every weekend to go off base and do whatever he wished. He didn't get that for two weeks. That week, I got up early and drove down to Fort Lee to see him. We stayed in a hotel on post and acted like we hadn't seen each other in years. Best two days of my life up to that point. After the shortest time ever, I said goodbye again and headed back to Springfield. After a while we decided it would be better to drive back to Springfield each Saturday and spend our time there. This was our schedule: I got up, got ready, drove two hours to pick him up, he drove two hours back, we spent about 24 hours together, practicing the privileges of being married, eating out, going shopping, and exploring Springfield. Then we'd leave at around 1pm on Sundays to make sure he got back by his 4 pm curfew. I would drive home alone. Traffic was evil and I was often late picking him up or late getting back on Sunday. Some days they held them late on Saturdays and I would be left anxiously waiting for them to get out. Our lives were dictated, our 24 hours passed quickly, we said goodbye too many times. During the week I worked as a teacher for the two-year-old class at a day care center. I would go tanning, draw, read, whatever I could to to keep myself occupied until Love could call me. He called me every night...except a couple. I never knew when he would call, my phone was my constant companion.

It seemed there were to be many roadblocks placed by the army. A few weeks into AIT training- Love was training to become a parachute rigger, or someone who packs, repairs, and jumps with parachutes- Love was supposed to go to Fort Benning for Jump School. (To learn HOW to jump from planes.) It was postponed 3 weeks...meaning we'd have to stay three weeks longer. When he went to jump school, I flew home to see my family. The nights he was supposed to jump, I didn't sleep. I waited for his call to tell me he was OK. When he got out of Jump School, I went home. I saw him that weekend. The pattern continued. Luckily, I found out my best friend, Allison, was in Virginia. I was excited, I hadn't seen her in four years! She singlehandedly helped me get through those last six weeks, and I helped her with a few things too. It was amazing to see her and have someone I knew and loved around during the week. It was hard to leave her when it was all over, but I was also overjoyed to be done with being away from Love.

This story has gotten too long. I'll finish it tomorrow!

Equipoise Beginnings Part One

My goodness! It's like pulling teeth to get on here this week! (Not that I have ever actually pulled teeth, but it sounds hard.) I have just been a little crazy lately, sorry for my absence.

I fear I may have scared a few people by my- slightly- crazy post on Tuesday. I just want you all to know...I'm doing much better. Tuesday was a rough, frustrating day and I'm afraid I took it out on you, dear readers. I did feel a whole lot better afterward though...

In other news, today SHOULD be CD1. Not a single red drop so far, so let's all keep our fingers crossed huh? In my pessimistic and hopeless nature though, I did come prepared for...well anything. I'll keep you posted on this one.

Love is going on an overnight camping/ paint ball trip with family and friends (just the boys) and I am left home. It's funny how much you miss your hubby when he's not at home. I took him to work this morning and felt a little sad knowing I wouldn't see him until tomorrow afternoon. It seems a little silly because we've been apart for longer periods than that, but I did, just the same. In fact, now that I think about it, we've been apart a lot in our 3 1/2 year marriage.

We met in August 2003- and when I say met, I mean started dating, as we were friends for quite a long time before. (Actually, he dated my sister for a brief 2 months in high school, but that's another story.) I was working as a server for Red Robin at the time and his family came in to eat.  I recognized him and gave him a big hug. I took their table and got their food. Soon, everyone left. A few minutes later, Love came strolling back in saying he'd lost his car key. So, I started to help him look for it. After looking for a while, I asked if he'd looked in his car. He said he'd looked all over inside (funny because it was a Jetta and you can't get into it without the key because it locks on its own- but I didn't know that at the time). Finally, he went back out and "looked" and came back shortly, key in hand. Apparently, it took him all this time to summon the courage to ask me out. I told him yes. That was the beginning.

After dating for about 2 months, we were engaged, here in Salt Lake City, in front of the Salt Lake Temple. We planned to get married in June 2004. In November, he went off to Jackson, SC for basic training for the Army (our first separation). I was living with his parents at the time (moved there when a gas line broke at my apartments and we didn't have heat or hot water for two months...and they still wanted full rent). He was gone for 4-5 weeks and we wrote each other letters and cried a lot. He came home on December 20th (day before my birthday) for two weeks over the Christmas holiday. We spent Christmas with my family. As we talked more and more we decided maybe it would be best to get married while he was home. (For financial reasons, and a couple we'll discuss later.) Finally, after a lot of discussion we decided to go ahead with it. This was decided Sunday December 28th. That night we took his parents over to my parents' house to tell them we wanted to get married on the 30th. (Yes, two days later.) Unfortunately, well, let's just say they didn't take it very well. In two days I got the day off work, a dress, a cake, secured someone to marry us, got a few decorations, and called family- at least half thought I was pregnant- so they could come. It was a very nice little ceremony. My mom started speaking to me again about 2 hours before the wedding and my dad decided (seconds before I was to walk) that he would, in fact, walk me down the aisle and give me away. Afterward, we shoved cake in each other's faces, mingled with our guests, took a few pictures, and we were off to a hotel for the night- courtesy of Love's parents.

Our wedding night was great except I got sick with pink eye and strep throat and didn't sleep a wink. The next morning I got up and went to work. Three days later, Love went back to basic training, leaving me behind in New Mexico until February 8th. (The second time we were apart.) To be continued...

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

i am feeling...lost? no, that is not the right word...i am not lost, i am uncertain...about, well, everything. my mind is filled with questions. where am i going? what am i doing? what am i waiting for? why can't i just LIVE and let the pregnancy thing be? why am i SO FREAKIN FOCUSED on having a baby that i can't justify an early morning jog because i might hurt a potential pregnancy? what if i never become pregnant (heaven forbid) and i spend years living in limbo? what if i find myself five years down the road without a child in my arms, having gained 20 more pounds than the 30 i've put on the last few years? what if i'm still sitting on the couch channel surfing and watching my life drift slowly by as i wave it away like a fly? how can i keep justifying my laziness? so many questions and no easy answers. couple that with the fact that my body can't decide what it wants to do.

did you know i started bleeding last tuesday? ten days before i was supposed to? then i stopped on friday and not a drop since. what does that mean? am i pregnant? am i just freaking out? am i so damn stressed out that my body is signaling it's had enough? and how come i never noticed that my breast are tender near cycle day one before i started trying? why did it take me six months to figure that out so i didn't think it was a sign of pregnancy? how's a girl supposed to figure all this out on her own?

here's a thought. how about we take all the crack addicts that get pregnant and throw children away like trash...and place those babies in the wombs of the women who have good homes, who ache to hold their child in their arms? i am dizzy with the thoughts swimming around in my head. wondering how much longer i can hold it in. wondering what it's going to take to push me over the edge. what is going to break this calm i've been feeling? do you find it sad that i almost expect the bleeding to come? do you know how to break hope? do you know how to get it back?

i am uncertain about life, about where this path will lead me. i am uncertain whether we'll ever have enough money for a house, if we'll ever be out of debt. i am worried about my job, how much longer i can do it...what it will take for me to focus. i am hoping that Matt likes his new job and that it will take him far. far enough that i can quit working, be a stay at home mom like i've always wanted, do some of the things i truly love and never have time for...that is if i can just get over this hurdle mountain- that stands between me and motherhood. i would love any advice...any answers to my questions...anyone in my shoes.

Title is a quote by: John Wooden

I am...

* analytical about everything
* a little OCD
* shy and quiet towards people I don't know (who usually think I'm a snob because of it) :(
* quirky and bubbly to people I do know
* a musician, a writer (at least I try to be), and a book lover- who is struggling to master photography
* a wife (longing to be a mother), a daughter, grand daughter, sister, and neice (who misses NM, and her family
* anti-work (unless we didn't need the money and I could do something I love)
* a pretty decent cook, and obsessive housekeeper, but also terribly lazy
* a life-long friend
* a little self concious about my weight
* a good listener (so I've heard)
* impatient...about getting pregnant, having to wait for things, and resolving arguements
* me
Who are you?

Less Than Hopeful

I am feeling a little apprehensive. I do not know yet if I'm pregnant. I won't know until sometime between June 1st and June 4th. Why the 3 day range? I miscalculated CD1 as suspected. I thought had it all figured out until I took an ovulation test and discovered my LH surge was happening 3 days earlier than expected. Do you know what else this means? It means I did the HSG test on CD11 instead of during the CD7-CD10 window. I don't know if that's really bad or not, but it doesn't make me happy. All of this, along with the fact that my boobs hurt again (which means exactly nothing), leaves me feeling a bit like I've spun out of control. Being the control freak I am...well I'm sure you can imagine. These factors also leave me feeling like this isn't THE month...again. Well, I guess I kind of always feel like that...probably so I don't have to feel any emotion when it isn't.

Which brings me to my next cause of stress. If I am not pregnant this month, I have to decide between doing the test or the procedure- for which I am unsure if I have the money- or decide to try naturally for one to a few more months. Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I'm lost and my emotions are only leading me a thousand different directions. I didn't think it would be this hard to decide...but how do you make that leap from natural to assisted? I thought what I wanted was a solution...but the more I think about it, the more doubts and fears I have about jumping. I just wish, for once, that SOMETHING would be easy. I guess all I can do now is wait, and hope that either this is THE month, or that I will find peace with at least one option. I need your advice friends!

A Few Good Things

As I mentioned yesterday, the HSG test results came out normal. Now that the cramps have subsided, I can let myself be happy about the normal result. (Yay!) Where to next? I don't know, but I have the nurse working on it for me. Still feeling a little violated, there just something not right about having fluid forced (very painfully) through your fallopian tubes. The hard part is over and now I can hope that I'm part of that 15% of couples who get pregnant one to two months after this procedure.
Matt was wonderful to me the whole day. I felt just terrible and was curled up in bed/ on the couch most of the day. He went grocery shopping, brought me lunch, cleaned then entire house, did laundry and took great care of me through all of it. I just love him!
In non-baby news, Matt had a 3rd interview for a new job (and a great pay raise) this morning and he was offered the job!!!! I am ecstatic! Today is a wonderful day!
***Doctor just called and said that at this point, the only thing not normal was the viscosity (stickyness) of Love's little swimmers. Here are our options:
1) Get sample and do a sperm wash and and place the sperm into the uterus- called IUI- (we can do this up to 3 times)
2) Hamster egg penetration test- called a Sperm Penetration Assay or SPA- (yes I did a double take too). Basically they take a sperm sample and place it with hamster eggs to test how well (or if at all) the sperm penetrate the eggs. If they can't penetrate I guess they have a way of enhancing the sperm to help them out.
We can choose which test to do first. If any of you have had either of these procedures done, can you tell me about it? Either comment or send me an e-mail. (findingequipoise@gmail.com) I am concerned about cost, about pain, success rate, procedure, etc. Thank you!


I hate cramping! Expecially my cramping. I always feel nauseous and helpless and I can't find a good temperature. Cool air gives me chills, hot air makes me nauseous. That pretty much covers how I felt on the way home from my appointment this morning. (I couldn't help thinking, if this car ride feels this long now, what will it be like during labor?) SO glad I took the whole day off.
The test itself went exactly as I thought, though the radiologist didn't seem too concerned that my "whole world" was open for viewing to him and the nurse the whole time. I guess they don't feel the need to cover me up whenever possible... The good news is that everything looks perfectly normal. That news makes Monday not seem so bad. What makes Monday bad is all this cramping...I feel so strange. Oh well, things are normal and tomorrow is another day.

Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day, for me, was filled with hope and excitement that I would soon be a mother. Now, the thought of today brings little twinges of pain to my heart. Instead of focusing on the pain, I want to tell you all a bit about MY mother.
My Mom is my best friend. I can't tell you how many fights and disagreements we had before we got to the "friend" point, but now that we're here, I am so very grateful. I am thankful that I can call her up and tell her about everything going on in my life and she'll listen and offer advice as needed. My Mother is a beacon of light to those around her. She is a guide to those who want to follow her example. She is such an amazingly GOOD person, and is loved my so many, but mostly by her children.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful childhood. I had a mother who wasn't afraid to get down on the floor and play with us. She was never afraid to be silly with us- even in public. She was never too busy to listen to what we had to say, and could understand our words even if all 5 of us spoke at once. She loved to teach us to do things. She was a real handywoman. It was not uncommon to come home and find her building a wall, repairing something, or taking on a new task most women would make their husbands do. She was always busy cooking, keeping the house, running us all over town, and tackling literal MOUNTAINS of laundry, but I always remember when I needed her, she was there.
She taught me to be self reliant. To figure things out on my own. She wanted us to be strong and to know how to do lots of different things, be it cooking, sewing, building, repairing walls, cleaning- her idea of clean not ours :)- grooming, or being selfless/ kind to others. Yet, she knew the world would continue to grow worse and taught us to have strong morals and values, but to never judge others. She knew we would have hard times in life and taught us to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer when we couldn't do it alone.
She is strong. She has been through many hard times. We lost our baby sister three hours after birth several years ago. It was hard for us kids, but I can only imagine the loss my Mother and Father felt that day, and even now. I haven't had the chance to experience pregnancy, yet, but I know that the connection between mother and baby is strong during those nine months and the love is instantaneous. My mother's heart broke that day, and she had a long period of time where she felt nothing but heartache. To see her come out of it, or to just try and be strong enough for us kids, taught me that I can get through anything. That it's ok to cry sometimes. It's ok to grieve sometimes. It's ok to let go sometimes...
She is an AMAZING woman. She is beautiful and kind, tender and loving, strong and determined. She is shy, but has never hesitated to speak out to protect her children or her values. She does not have a "career", but fulfills the work of raising her children well and passing on her talents and helping develp ours. She is a supportive wife and mother, constantly giving of herself without losing the amazing person that she is. She taught us a love for music and art, something that I cherish to this day. She did and still does all of this, her only compensation being the love of her family- I hope we can give back enough.
Today, on Mother's Day, I want to tell her THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with my rebellious years, thank you for brushing off those terrible things I said to you, thank you for seeing through my hard shell and finding the soft parts of my soul. Thank you for loving me no matter what, for being the kind of mom they write books about. Thank you for being you. Thank you for finding spaces of time in your very busy life even now to talk to me. Thank you for loving my Husband as your son, and for praying for us through both the good and hard times. Thank you for the mother you will always be for me and the mother that you are to my siblings. I know that when I have kids, you will have so much still to teach them, and so much wisdom in motherhood to pass on to me- yes, I will be calling. Thank you Mommy, for everything. I love you!
To all those women who are mothers, who will be mothers, who want desperately to be mothers, to the aunts and grandmothers, to the fathers who are mothers too, to you young girls that will be mothers someday, Happy Mothers Day!

On The Calendar

O.K. I started (for sure this time) today. I know because my insides are seemingly, or quite literally, RIPPING out. I know I said I started friday, but I didn't really start until today. Are you confused? I am. My body is a trickster- and a cruel one at that- what can I say really??? I called the Doctor today, my HSG is scheduled for next monday, the 14th, at 10 am. (I took the whole day off.)


Thank you to those of you who left kind comments. I'll admit, I had one horrible Friday. I was just on edge and on the verge of tears the entire day. It was hard because I started 4 days early, but didn't really start. It kept going off and on and has been for 3 days now. At this point, I don't really know what to think. I'm certainly very tired of the cruel trick my body likes to play on me each month. I always have 5 or 6 days of guessing and second guessing until I finally know for sure. I think it would be a lot easier to just know, one way or the other. My emotions are better now- nicely walled up and locked away for another month. My only real worry at this point is I have to do the dye test now. (Called Hysterosalpingogram or HSG). I wasn't too worried before, but I have a sister-in-law that is going through the exact same thing as I am. In fact we are two weeks apart in our cycles. I am so thankful to have her there by my side going through the same things I am.

She had her HSG last week. In speaking with her about it, I found out that there is a significant amount of cramping afterward (I'm supposed to take Motrin before the test), Matt can't come into the room because they don't want to expose any one to radiation (?!?!?!) that doesn't need to be, and they have to do it within the cycle days 7-10. Wow, that's a sickeningly small window. My fear is, I cannot figure out what day my cycle began, or if it has really begun. Why? Because I haven't had my normal cramps, and I have yet to bleed normally. The projected first cycle day is tomorrow, so I think I'll call the my doctor tomorrow, explain to him what's going on, and see if they can help me pinpoint it. Anyway, that will occur sometime this week. I just hope all goes well. The brighter side of this test is, if everything comes out normal, they say there is a high percentage of women who get pregnant one to two months following the test. Simply because, if there was any minor blockage, or anything on the uterine lining that was keeping pregnancy from happening, the dye should flush it out. So, I will continue to be hopeful.

Once Again

woke up in the middle of the night to the evil red stuff, stayed in denial most of the morning until the cramps started, too emotional to say anything more without crying again. 

Afternoon Stroll

Ever feel like someone's trying to tell you something??? Just when I'm so frustrated with life and trying to figure out what to do and how I can be proactive about my wants and needs I encounter this on a simple mid-day stroll to the grocery store.
Now, I am certainly aware that not all of you are Christian, but I am, and I just thought it was interesting how I've been told this so many times while trying to get pregnant or through any hard times in life, but it never truly struck me until I saw it spray painted in red and white on a neighborhood sidewalk. Guess I'll have to work on that...

On a lighter note, I also encountered this:
whisperings of simpler days
deep shade under a summer haze
a childhood memory
my flowing hair, an upturned nose
brushing branches with bare toes
straight legs then bended knees
shrieking, "Higher" with no fear
I hear the wind rush past my ear
flying high and feeling free

Home Stretch

I just want to say, not having to take my temperature everyday, has relieved an amazing amount of stress. Not having to remember to take my temperature in the morning before I can even get up to pee is just, well, wonderful. The other marvelous side effect? I don't, at any given moment, know exactly what day of my cycle I'm on. Obviously, I can easily figure it out if I think about it, but that's just it: I actually have to think about it! I am still anxious and there is some stress festering, but I am also, sort of, at ease.

One of the things my doctor said was that often, when a woman is trying to get pregnant, she lets it consume her life. I have let that happen. I don't run (even though I am DYING to) because I'm afraid all that bouncing would cause me to lose a baby before I even know I'm pregnant, I have been taking prenatals for over a year, I haven't taken ibuprophen (my favorite thing for headaches and backaches- which I get often) in forever, I think about pregnancy constantly, I TALK about it constantly (sorry dear family and friends), and I have been putting my life on hold anxiously awaiting something that hasn't come yet after a whole year.

I have decided I can't do that anymore. This may be another reason I am feeling a little more at ease. I am PRAYING, hoping and pleading that it happens for us this month. However, if it doesn't, I am going to go on that run, I'm going to start living my life. I know that when the time comes that I get pregnant, one jog down the trail isn't going to kill my baby if it's meant to be in this world. I will, obviously continue with the prenatals and tylenol :) for my pain, I will continue to watch what I eat and I will continue to be anxiously awaiting motherhood...but for now, I need to start living. If this takes another year and I'm still in limbo...well, lets just say you might have to visit me at a new address...the looney bin.

For now though, through this last week of my cycle, I will continue to hope that I'll have to walk instead of run, that I'll have to take tylenol and prenatals for quite a long time, that I'll have to stop eating certain kinds of fish. I'll keep praying that I have to buy diapers, and a crib, and adorable little clothes. All this hoping may just kill me, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Please keep us in your prayers this week...not that pregnancy will happen, because it's too late for that, but that, no matter what happens, we'll make it through (and that I'll keep my promise to myself).


To those of you that have husbands, I would like to ask you a question. As your he continues to discover things about you, that never managed to come up while you were dating, does he ever say you're weird? Does he do it every time? Since I've been married I have been called weird on a number of occasions. For instance (this was a long time ago...the conversation is made up):

(After I have spooned some cottage cheese into a bowl...)
Matt: What are you doing?
Me: Cutting tomatoes...
Matt: Why?
Me: To put in my cottage cheese.
Matt: Are you serious?
Me: (Staring blankly as I put salt and pepper atop the cottage cheese/ tomato concoction)
Matt: Ugh! That's gross! You are so weird!

Or how about this instance:
Matt: What are you doing?
Me: Organizing my shirts into short to long-sleeve/ color order
Matt: You are so weird! You better not touch my shirts!
Or this one:
Matt: Don't you just love the Rocky movies?
Me: I have never seen any of them...
Matt: What?! You've got to be kidding me! You've lived such a sheltered life! You are so weird!

Or how about today:
(After taking the first bite of our stuffed crust pepperoni pizza...)
Matt: Mmmm...Don't you just love stuffed crust pizza?
Me: I don't know, I have never had it.
Matt: What? You are so weird!

I could go on and on. I'm to the point of changing my name from "Katrina" to "Weird". I feel it may better suit me. Was he unaware of my weirdness before the marriage vows? It's no small secret that I'm a bit weird. All my friends know I'm weird, my family knows I'm weird, even my co-workers know I'm weird. Yet my oddity continues to- almost daily- astonish my husband and each time, he feels the need to remind me of how weird I am...even if I'm trying to be silly and weird. So, I thought I'd ask...do any of you experience husbands that still think you do weird things? Cuz, I'm feeling a wee bit lonely here in weirdland. Would you care to join me?


I am feeling very fortunate today to have a husband who loves and cares for me and isn't afraid to show it. Upon returning home from a contact solution run, Matt handed me and envelope (for no reason at all) and a bag of chocolate (yum!). I opened it up to reveal the sweetest card:


"Since I met you, I've fallen in love with you at least a hundred times for a hundred different reasons. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I watch you doing something you enjoy, something you're so involved in that you're unaware of my presence. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I listen to you talk to other people. Whether you're being interesting and funny or warm and caring and genuinely concerned, you have a way of making people feel better with nothing more than your words. Sometimes I fall in love with you just thinking about you, remembering all the memories we've made... And whenever I think about the wonderful things that lie ahead of us, I fall totally and completely in love with you all over again." -Renée Ruvall

There's nothing sweeter than receiving a little gesture of appreciation when it is unexpected. We've been through a lot together in our three years of marriage. This last year of trying to conceive has been very difficult for us, yet he always stays positive, he always reassures me, and he is always by my side trying to put on the brave face. He lends a shoulder to my tears, he makes me laugh till my stomach aches, opens my doors, and always tells me how much he loves me before we nod off each night. I'm inspired by him daily as he constantly tries to better himself and worries constantly about trying to make more money so I can be a stay-at-home mom to our children (someday). I have been focusing so much attention on getting pregnant that I lost focus on what I already have- a husband who will take my hand in his and walk with me, side by side, down the road of life (no matter where it leads).


We arrive at the doctor's office and the nurse brings us back into the exam room and mumbles, what I heard as, the following: "Dr. should be done with surgery and heading up any minute"..."undress and lie face down (?)"...and something about a sheet- I assume she is referring to the green folded one on the table- as she shut the door. So, Matt sits down, takes my coat and purse from me, I say, "Face down?" He looks at me and says something to the effect of, "Maybe you're supposed to have your butt in the air?" Continuing to find it strange, I take my sheet into the changing stall in the corner and proceed to undress. Halfway through I begin to remove my shirt when it occurs to me that there's no breast exam today...so I ask Matt to go ask the nurse if I need to take my shirt off. He sighs and fulfills my request. I overhear the nurse say, "No, I said from the waist down." (Waist down, face down...it sounds the same, right?) Feeling sheepish, I open up the sheet- which turns out to be rather small- and suddenly feel very grateful I double checked.

Just as I am about to sit on the exam table, the Doctor walks in and shakes my hand, followed by Matt's. He then opens my chart, explains a few things to Matt- since I was the one who actually received the lab results from his test, not him- and then puts my feet in the stirrups. As he turns around to put on his gloves, I examine my new footrests and discover they are horse puppets- stirrups dressed as horse puppets- how ironic. Placing my rear all the way at the end of the table, I lay down and feel something cold, something uncomfortable- which proceeds to become more uncomfortable- then I hear a click. "Is that bearable for a couple minutes?" he asks. "Oh sure," I say aloud- (just as comfy as a bed of nails!) *insert eye rolling here* They're men...they don't know. Then he inserts, what I swear looks like, pliers, pulls them out to show me how the elasticity is good in my cervical mucus (Oh thanks, always wanted to see that! I'm sure Matt did too!) and then takes a sample. The "fun" part is finally over as he removes evil metal duck thingy, and leaves the room to examine the specimen. I run into the changing stall and dress. Waiting...

He came back much sooner than expected and said everything looked good. (Oh good, my mucus isn't killing Matt's "boys"!) "Lots of little swimmers!" he exclaimed, and proceeded to tell us that they were moving around just fine- yay, the viscosity isn't an issue- and that if we don't get pregnant this month, he wants me back for the dye test next month. So, I am feeling hopeful. I am relieved that nothing serious is wrong so far, and also a little confused as to why we aren't pregnant yet- since everything is normal. I know, though, that all things happen for a reason and when it's time, we will have a little one in our lives. Until then, I'll try to relax and let nature take it's course- hopefully. Nighty night blog world!

Fertility Journey

Wow, I can't believe how long it has taken me to get on here and write about the test results. As you know, Matt submitted his "little swimmers" to the lab last Monday to have them tested. Well, on Friday I called the doctor to find out the results. The doctor said that, overall, he was happy with the results. The motility (their sense of direction and movement) was really good, he said, and the forms (as in how well they're formed and whether or not there are malformed or dead ones) looked good. The only problem they could see was the lab was unable to determine the sperm count as the sample was viscous (sticky). The doctor said this was solvable by running the sperm through a small needle to separate them and that would solve the problem. But first, he wanted to do a test on me.

The test is called a post coital (after intercourse) and basically they want to test the cervical mucus and the sperm 3-15 hours after intercourse- during your most fertile time- to make sure the sperm aren't being killed by the cervical mucus, and also that the sperm are not too viscous to make it through the cervical mucus. So, I had to pee on a stick for the last couple of days to find out when I am most fertile (ovulation kit to test for my lh surge). I peed on a stick Friday...faint purple line, deep purple line...nope. Saturday- peed on a stick: two purple lines, but the test line still wasn't as deep as the control line. Today, after being told by my hubby to "go pee on a stick": two purple lines...called the doctor- on his cell phone because we have to schedule an appointment within the 3-15 hour time frame- voice mail. :-(

Oh well, hopefully he'll call sometime tomorrow. At least I'm done peeing on a stick for this month!

The Appointment (part two)

I’ve been trying to find a minute to get on here and write about friday’s appointment, I finally found time just now, so bear with me as I try to get all this out.

My emotions were a little raw the rest of the day Friday. I just…I don’t know. I was so nervous-I’m talking fidgeting, shaking, pit-in-your-stomach nervous- all morning to go to the appointment. I thought they would do all these tests and tell me what was going on and I’d have somewhere to go from there- but I got there and all he did was talk to us, tell us that Matt needed to give a sample, gave us a couple options and said, “Everything looks normal and I’m confident you will be pregnant within the next few months.”

I suppose I should have taken that as good news, but I felt like nothing was really resolved and I was still recovering from how hard it was to even go to that appointment. I just shouldn’t have had all those expectations when I really had no idea WHAT to expect. Part of my problem is, if there’s nothing wrong with me at this point, why can’t I just get pregnant? Why didn’t they do tests on me too? Why didn’t they give us a drug, or something to try in the meantime? I went to the appointment expecting answers, and left with more questions. I suppose I should have gotten all my frustrations out while I was there…but I just felt like I was off in another world…it was the weirdest feeling…almost like having an out-of-body experience, like I wasn’t supposed to be there or something.

Today, I’m feeling ok about it. Matt took his sample in to the lab this morning so we’ll wait and see if the problem lies in that department. Once we find that out, the doctor wants to do a dye test on me- basically they flush a colored liquid through my tubes to make sure things flow freely and everything is clear. After that test, they will test to make sure my cervical mucus isn’t killing off the sperm. If that is the case, they will do artificial insemination (by the husband) to get the sperm past the cervical mucus so they will have a better chance. So, we have a plan. I feel like everything will be ok. I am trying not to worry about artificial insemination and it’s cost-since we haven’t even gotten that far yet, but it’s hard for me not to worry.

My hope is that it will be something simple. I am hoping that something like fertility drugs will fix the problem, or if there is no problem, I am hoping that Heavenly Father is sending us a child soon, that he’s just waiting for something specific to happen first. Right now, I’m just waiting- like I haven’t done enough of that in a year- to find out SOMETHING. I appreciate your comments and well wishing on my behalf, and I will continue to keep you posted.