Guess what I did?

I have been away from this space as the usual busyness of my life exploded into chaos. We are all fine, learning to manage things again. My Mom is in town visiting with my little brother. It is nice to have her here.  We are also preparing to leave on a trip to Iowa to visit Matt's brother the end of this week. It will be so nice to be away from home and work and spend a few of those days at a lake. And I am also about to have a four year old roaming the house.

Now that you've been updated, I will tell you what I did. As I prepared for the 5k I ran last month I created a habit of running four times weekly. I have fallen in love with this habit all over again after years of not running.  Recently I was approached to take a spot in a local half marathon. My first instinct was adamant refusal. I talked with a friend and experienced runner who had run the race before and she was sure I could do it. I thought about it for a few days and finally decided to try, simply to see if I could.

The last couple weeks I increased the length of my runs minimally and had planned to do a trial run last week. I woke up late and found out that I wouldn't be able to run it after all. I decided to only run 6.5 miles- the furthest I had ever run.  Then my friend said I could run in place of her sister's son. I was excited, especially after almost losing the opportunity. I was also nervous because I had no idea if I could even run that far.

Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 am and prepared to leave. I was a sort of nervous, excited the whole morning. We rode a bus from the finish line up the canyon to the start. I took in the beautiful mountain surroundings as I waited for the race to start.  There was a small voice in my head screaming at me that I was crazy for attempting to run twice as far as I ever had in a race. I reminded myself that I already had learned to run farther than I ever imagined and resolved to do my best.

The race started and I remembered to go slow on the steep downhill slope. I had to stop a few times for water and restroom breaks as well as to fix my shoes when my toes started aching at mile eight (from running downhill), but I ran the entire way until mile twelve when I has to walk a few steps because of my toes. I talked myself into running through the pain as I was not going to finish that race walking. I ran the rest of the way, frustrated at my feet as he rest of my body and lungs felt fine.

The elation as I crossed the finish line after running 13.1 miles is hard to describe. I received a medal stating I was a half marathon finisher. My official time was 2:16:22.

You guys, I ran 13.1 miles!!! I still feel so on top of the world!!

I am here to tell you that the you can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to be willing to try and prepare as best you can. I will do this again. I will keep pushing my limits.

I am a little sore today, but I can handle it. My body will recover and I will set a new goal. Who knows what I will accomplish next!

Lessons Learned

The last few weeks I have been training for the local Susan G Komen Race for the Cure going on here next Saturday.  I am really excited to run it, especially since I discovered that I can actually run 3.1 miles without too much trouble.  This is no small matter to the girl who had trouble getting through all four laps to make up the required mile in my physical education class growing up.  I guess it just goes to show that size isn't everything.  Skinny doesn't always equal strong or in shape, any more than having bits of fat makes me weak.  This is an important lesson I have learned. 

Something else the last few weeks have taught me is that I need a goal to stay focused.  Losing weight isn't a goal, it's a benefit of living a healthy lifestyle- which is now my real goal.  I'm starting to not focus on the scale so much as focusing on making sure I stay active and try to make good, nutritious food choices.  I'm not perfect at this, and I've learned not to expect perfection.  Striving for perfection will get you nothing but failure.  And failure bites.  The result of this new mentality is that I'm happier with myself and my progress- which has also helped me in my relationship with Matt.

Since we decided to work things out and get remarried, I have been quite happy.  We keep working on things and they aren't perfect, but that's ok.  It's very normal and that is a good thing.  When we first got back together it was like we had just met all over again.  As time went on, I realized there was always this teeny, tiny fear in the back of my mind that it wouldn't work out in the end.  I have been struggling with that little fear off and on for almost a year now.  Matt has been so supportive whenever that fear surfaced. 

Having been reassured so many times, you would think the fear would go away.  It's hard to explain, but every time we had a conflict and feelings similar to the ones I had when things went south came back, I freaked out.  I brought up the past.  I worried that just because one or both of us were upset that we would be back where we once were.  I worried more about my appearance.  I did all the things you're not supposed to do in a conflict.  He would calm me down, we would talk it out and I would feel better again. 

A few weeks ago, Matt and I were talking about something and the subject of our future came up and he told me he wasn't going anywhere, that I would have to be the one to leave for us to end.  It may seem silly to some, but that was sort of a turning point for me.  The last little piece of my heart I realized I hadn't given back to him was suddenly his again.  My soul is calmer, my heart is sure, and my self-esteem is mine to deal with again.  Our love has grown deeper, and it shows in the little things we do for each other.

That man loves me, and I love him.  I gave him my heart almost 9 years ago and it has been his ever since.  We have our bumps and bruises, but they do heal.  We have been brought together so many times now that I truly believe we were meant to be.  Life teaches us a lot of lessons.  The most important one I have learned is that I can never take anything for granted.  Not health, not friendship, not money and especially not love.  Having the love of a man who gets me so completely, who makes me laugh, supports me and makes me feel beautiful in pajamas and yesterday's make-up, is something I will forever be grateful for.  I also have to remember to love myself.

I want to thank our families, friends and all the people who read this little blog for supporting us as we travel our many journeys together and separately.  The other day my in-laws thanked me for taking Matt back.  I was touched by this, but didn't quite know what to say back.  I will say now that I loved him nearly from the day I met him and I never stopped.  It was hard to figure some things out, but deciding to try again wasn't hard at all.  I know I made the right choice the first, second and third time I said, "I do." 

Marriage isn't always easy.  Life isn't easy.  Changing is especially hard.  Everything we do, our goals, the relationships we have- they all take work.  Nothing happens in life that we don't put a little effort into.  We just have to trust ourselves, learn from our mistakes, stay focused, follow our hearts and surround ourselves with people who support and empower us.  I believe that to be true of everything we do. 

What is your favorite relationship advice?  How do you attack your goals in life?  Who is your best cheerleader in life?  Have a great weekend!

An Experiment in Self-Love

To be honest I don't really know what I'm going to write about as I sit down here in front of my computer.  I'm coming back to you after a break caused by a surprise visit from my sister and her little family.  My last couple weeks were spent  soaking in every second of them being here and getting to know my newest niece who was only six weeks old when they got here.  They have only been gone a few days and I already miss them fiercely.

I just erased three paragraphs of nonsense and complaining about this funk I'm in.  Instead of going into all the details about how I feel right now and why, I think I would rather just try to get myself out of it.

I have GOT to get rid of this feeling of hopelessness!

If I don't I really will NEVER get back on track in my journey to health.  Or to anywhere else, really. 

So, as I type this, I'm going to think of 10 good things I did today and hope they outweigh the crappy eating and no exercise I've been going through (among other things) the last few weeks.

Here goes:

1. Held Paige on our couch all morning while she writhed around uncomfortably, crying from her fever and stomach bug.  Did my best to comfort her and give her the care she needed to feel better.

2. Got out of bed and got my work done this morning.

3. Praised my three-year-old for all her help, good behavior, and patience as her sick sister threw a wrench in our plans for the day.

4. Had the intention of making today a fun day with my girls and not focusing on my house.  Zoe and I picked an activity to do and everything.  I owe her one tomorrow.

5. Cut out Zoe's tiny, detailed paper dolls so she could play with them.

6. Got through my laundry folding quickly so I could sit down and blog/ hang out with Matt and talk while he plays his video game this evening.

7. Drank all my water for the day.

8. Read my scriptures.

9.  Gushed to my friend about the beautiful gift Matt bought me for our Anniversary and how amazing he's been lately.  (He's been extra amazing.)  And now I've gushed to you guys!

10.  Finally sat down and blogged, even though I didn't feel like it because I didn't feel like I had anything good or important to say. 

Wow, you guys.

 I actually feel a lot better. 

Not like I'm cured of the funk, but definitely better.  You wouldn't believe how hard it was for me to think of good things I did.  Amazing how hard I am on myself.  I literally stared at the computer screen, after writing the first one, for a good five minutes. 

Maybe the answer to beginning to love myself is learning to recognize the good that I've done. 

That's a really new concept for my perfectionist self.  Off to ponder. 

Thanks for being my sounding board.  I know you dear, sweet people that come here don't really like to participate in these little experiments of mine, but I truly hope you will this time.  It was enough to put a smile on my face after a rough couple of days.  Maybe it will be for you too! I would love for you to join me. It doesn't have to be 10, but think of at least one good thing you did today or within the last week and share it with me. I know I'm not the only one with self love issues, and I know I'm not the only one who is in a funk or needs motivation, so please join in. You can write your own post and leave me the link, or just leave your good thing(s) in the comments.  Thanks, people. 

Bouncing Around in My Head

My mind is a puzzle, but the peices never quite fit together.  Some peices aren't whole, or lost, and some are just too big to put anywhere.  If you understood that metaphor, congratulations!  I often have difficulty separating my thoughts and rarely can I turn them off.  Matt is constantly amazed at how many different topics I can spew at him at any given moment.  So today I thought I would do a sort of list of everything I'm thinking about right now.  Ready?

* I have fallen off the exercise wagon.  It's only been a little over a week, but I feel a lot of guilt over it.  It all started because of sick kids.  Then Halloween came with all the treats and the candy and the delicious bread and soups.  Our plan was to start Insanity completely over together on November 1st.  When we woke up, no one felt very well.  Then I just got lazy.  I plan to get a workout in today, so I'm hoping I can jump back on just as easily.  We shall see.

* I am a little shocked that I haven't gained any weight during this last week.  I'm not sure if it's just that my metabolism is a little better now.  Maybe I'm not eating as many calories as I think I am...haven't been keeping track.  Or, maybe I am losing all that muscle I worked so hard to get.  I'm not sure.  Anyone who knows is welcomed to weigh in.

* I've noticed that my lack of working out leaves me in sort of a sour mood.  I think I'm missing the endorphins.  Or something.  I don't like it.

* I have done shockingly little off of my to do list over the last week.  I hate feeling like I am playing catch-up on a daily basis.

* Daylight Savings time is evil.  I still haven't adjusted.  Many of my clocks still read the wrong time.  Paige didn't adjust very well.  I knew I should have started adjusting her schedule early!  Hopefully things settle into routine again soon.

* I HATE laundry.  I was one load of folding away from finishing it when I stopped a few days ago.  Today I have another mountain to wash.

* I feel like the only thing I ever accomplish everyday is getting and keeping the kitchen clean and doing the dishes.  Another job I despise.  I guess I don't like re dos.

* I am missing the summery sunshine.  The sun is out today, but it's that dim, winter sunlight.  I hate winter.  I hate snow.  I hate to be cold.  Hopefully this winter isn't too horrible.

* On a brighter note, I am so excited for Christmas this year!  Last Christmas, well, let's be honest, it sucked.  Yeah, I was with my girls and my family...but not having Matt was really hard for me and I am so excited for us to all celebrate together this year.  Plus!  My brother is back from his mission and can join us, and my sister should be having her baby while we're there.  I hope!  Exciting things!

* Yesterday I finally got the pictures hung in Zoe's bedroom.  We took them down to paint over 6 months ago.  Yeah...

* I've decided that Paige's room needs to be painted too.  Funny, my whole house needs to be painted...including my room.  Off-white is getting old.  But I suppose, as a Mom, I should be used to doing things for my girls first!  :)  Matt thinks Paige's room should be purple.  That sounds fun to me.  Need to figure out what I want to do in there.

* Speaking of decorating, I have an itch to get my whole house decorated and done.  I just wish I had the time and the money and the design sense to do it!!

* After reading the love story (so far) of Untypically Jia and her husband, Matt, I have decided that I was far too focused on myself, my friends and my world growing up.  So I guess that does make me a little bit of the snob people thought I was and I thought I wasn't.  Pondering this.

* I just realized that if I have all of this on my mind, it's no wonder I have a hard time focusing and getting things done.  The sad thing is, I could go on.  Instead I will spare you. 

What's bouncing around in your head today?

Exercise

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my primary goal focus recently has been getting in shape, eating more healthy and focusing on feeling better in my skin.  Today I thought I would give you sort of a progress report, and touch on things I have struggled with the last few months.

Since Matt and I got remarried, one of our focuses has been to get in better shape.  Way back in March we started out really well.  We were doing P90x every night for a few weeks.  Then Easter came.  We travelled to New Mexico to visit family and all our forward momentum came to a screeching halt. 

Since then, we have started over and over again.  When is best to work out?  Mornings?  So we tried mornings.  Then we had too many mornings where we couldn't get up because we're just not used to being up before dawn.  So, since we are night owls, we thought nights will work better.  And we did fairly well, until there were nights where the girls got down late, or we ate too late, or we got busy doing things and it was too late to workout.  So we decided mornings again.  See a pattern?

Meanwhile, between the fact that all that weight I lost was fast and stress-induced and the fact that birth control and quitting nursing brought it all tumbling back, none of my clothes were fitting me very well.  And it was getting worse.

So finally I asked Matt if he would mind if I started doing it without him during the day while he was at work.  Things have been so hectic, he knew we wouldn't do it so he agreed.  And off I went.

Since then I have been working out consistently 4-6 days a week for about a month doing Insanity and other things here and there.  I have been watching my calories more closely (using myfinesspal) and I drink tons of water.  In general, I feel a whole lot better about myself.  I can see muscle tone in my obliques that I have never had.  I am starting to see actual calves on my chicken legs...something I NEVER thought was possible.  My arms are still wimpy, but seem stronger than ever.

Having always been a "soft" girl, I have enjoyed seeing these changes.  Unfortunately, not much has changed in the way my clothes fit.  I still have quite a mommy-pudge to contend with, and I have lost five pounds, but wanted to lose at least 8 by now.

I know much of the reason for my current weight is my body building muscle where there hasn't been any in many years, and in places I have never had muscle definition.  I know muscle is heavier than fat.  So that makes sense.  I have lost inches on my waist, a bit on my belly, and my hips.  My face looks a bit thinner too.  Yet, I know that I have given myself perhaps more "cheat days" than I should.  I definitely can eat less sugar and fat than I do, too.

Tomorrow Matt is going to try joining me doing early mornings again.  If we don't wake up, I will do it later in the day, but it gets hard with all the responsibilities I have between my girls, work and my house, among other things.  I would love to be more consistent with mornings so my days will flow better, and so I don't have to walk this journey alone.  We'll have to keep working on it.

This is a hard change for me.  Sometimes it feels easier to quit.  But I know I won't be happy with that decision.  I am motivated to make this a permanent lifestyle change.  I want to feel good in my skin, no matter what "weight" that ends up being.  I want my girls to see that an active lifestyle and that paying attention to what you consume is important.  I want to fit back into my clothes again!!!! 

If you have weight loss/fitness tips or advice, ideas for how to still eat chocolate on a diet, how to cook healthy AND yummy food for your family and kids, how to teach yourself to wake up before the sun, how you fit in workouts in your busy lives, or if you just want to tell me, "You can do this!", please leave me a comment, or send me an email.  I would appreciate all the encouragement I can get!

Negative Voices

In the early morning hours, when all I hear is silence except for the keyboard clicking away under my fingers as I work, I think.  I think of all I have to do as the day progresses.  Feed my kids, play with them, clean something or other, tick off my to do list.  I worry about the little and big things going on...money...friends and family having troubles...why I always feel overwhelmed.  I think of the things I'm working on in my marriage, spiritually, as a Mother.  And wonder if I'm putting forth enough effort towards those changes.  I think of all I want to accomplish in my life.  Go back to school, put out more videos of me singing, write more poetry, get back to my music, get in shape. 

My life is a whirlwind, and my thoughts are much the same.  Always spinning around, never stopping for a break.  I find it difficult to have moments of silence, moments of peace because there is always something more to think of, something more to do.  Sometimes I feel I am putting too much on myself as a young, working Mother.  After all, I have two young children, a job, a house to take care of, a husband to love, as well as many other responsibilities.  With this thought comes the fear that I'm just making excuses.  It's crazy-making.

Lately, I have been putting most of my energy into my goal of getting into better shape.  I regularly exercise and watch what I eat.  I am proud of my accomplishments and continued motivation in this endeavor.  I truly am.  Many years have I been ashamed of my body and what I let it come to, which was then aided by two pregnancies.  Many years have I talked the talk of fixing this problem and never done anything about it.  So I am very proud of myself in this area. 

Then why is it that I still feel a sense of laziness, or maybe just a sense of guilt that, because I am focusing on this one thing as my priority, everything else has to wait for now?  Or at least be accomplished more slowly? 

I wish I could get rid of that feeling.  I wonder if it is there hoping I will fail at this one thing so I won't try to prioritize new things when I'm done.  So that I will remain at a standstill?  I have tried doing everything I want to accomplish all at once.  It doesn't work.  At all.  I have learned that if I spread myself too thin, what I accomplish will be done poorly, procrastinated, or not at all.

So, I will continue to take one step, one day at a time, focusing on this goal.  I will continue to do what I can on the rest of my to do list.  I will do that because it feels right to me.

I just wish sometimes I could ignore the negative voices in my head.

How do you tackle goals?  Do you have worries similar to mine?  Please leave me a comment.  I LOVE COMMENTS!  Ahem...the end.

Pudgies

I have read back through my last few months of posts and realized I've been holding back. I started this blog with little to no fear of oversharing or overstepping boundaries. I just shared what I felt. Sometimes it was graphic. Sometimes it was too emotional. Mostly, it was heartfelt, real, and allowed me a space to share anything and everything. Since a lot of people I know have started reading this blog, I stopped being open. I started censoring myself for fear that someone might not like what I said, or that someone might not want to know certain things. It was at that point that I didn't enjoy writing here anymore. So, this is an attempt at reality. If you don't already know, my name is Katrina or Kat, I go by either. Love's name is Matt or Matthew. This is my blog reborn. Over time I will remake this blog into something I can be proud of. Or at least recreate a space where I can be open and honest. It might take me a few posts to get back in the swing of things!

In the last couple months I regained 10 of the 27 pounds I recently lost. I'm so frustrated at this point. I have a very complimentary husband, but often find myself wishing he could have seen me the way I was then and not now. Months ago I lost the weight very quickly. It wasn't healthy, gradual weight loss. It was fast, grief and stress weight loss. It was a combination of not eating enough and nursing a baby. Regardless, for the first time in 6 years, I felt sexy. I felt good in my skin. I felt skinny. It was one of the few silver linings I got out of going through the divorce. Putting those pounds back on has me groaning again when I see myself naked in the mirror. Sucking in and wishing for what was in my reflection just weeks ago.

I am working on losing the weight again, but focusing more on health, strength, and maintaining an active lifestyle. Yet I worry often about the changes my body underwent with my two pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls. Everything my body has been through for them was more than worth it. Matthew loves me and tells me often that I'm skinny and beautiful and that he doesn't care about my stretchmarks. Let's be honest though, it's not pretty! Will my stretchmarks end up looking like sad, wrinkled, flabby skin if I lose the fat that's underneath them? Is it worth it to have abs if the stretch-marked skin might not allow them to show? Will I have any boobs left if I keep doing all those push ups? Will I ever look close to normal again?

Secretly, I dream of having a body like the ones on the covers of the magazines. Logic tells me that those women don't really look like that. I've seen the amount of make-up, tweaking and airbrushing done to make those photos scream perfection. My illogical side tells me those women are what our world thinks of as beautiful. I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL. Well, what I really want is to FEEL beautiful. A few weeks ago, I had a minor issues with my stretch marks and what is left of my boobs after nursing two babies, but otherwise I actually FELT beautiful. I felt confident. I felt like maybe I could turn a few heads. That mentality hasn't disappeared completely, but I want that feeling back.

Three weeks ago I took pictures on my start day of the exercise program I've been doing. I see those pictures and it's frustrating, yet also motivating. I truly believe reconditioning my body, gaining muscle and losing fat will make me feel both healthy and beautiful. (Maybe even sexy.) The biggest difference between this weight loss and the last is that this time I will work hard for it. It will happen gradually and I will notice the little differences. I will notice the fact that I actually have visible biceps. I can do (modified) pull ups for the first time in my life. I can do yoga moves I never thought I could even attempt. I can live an active lifestyle with my husband and teach myself and our kids how to love and take care of our bodes. I do have fears about what will happen to my post pregnancy body as I make changes to it through fitness. My hope is that any oddities pregnancy may have created will be outweighed by the feeling of accomplishment when I push play on the 90th day. Or the first time I can do a pushup off my knees. Or maybe the day I fit better in my clothes from 10 pounds ago. Those are the important things. If it turns out those things are not enough, there's always the option of surgery!

P.S. I would love to hear thoughts from both men and women on the issues of fitness, post pregnancy bodies, and body image.

A Few Things

-First up, since I'm posting, you'll notice that I'm feeling better. This is thanks to a wonderful drug called Zofran. It is my friend.

-I'm starting to unwind the tornado that has become my house after weeks of not feeling well.

-Zoe is talking up a storm saying things like "I love you" (sounds more like "I lub ba" but still) "See you later" "delicious" and has started putting words together like "light on?" or "i hold you?" I am loving this stage of her life.

-Baby bump made it's debut really early this time around. I have a feeling I'll have people asking if I'm about to pop at 7 months. Not looking forward to that.

-I'm determined not to lose more muscle this pregnancy. Next week I'm going to start learning yoga via DVD. I'll let you know how that goes.

-My Mom gave me her guitar for Christmas, I am re-teaching myself to play. This time around I'm learning all the notes, though, not just the chords. It's exciting.

-This has made me regret not playing the flute and piano more. That is my next goal. First, I have to tune my piano. Anyone know someone who's good, but inexpensive in Utah County?

-On a final and funny note, Zoe is in the other room laughing like this: "hehehehehe!" While funny, she's supposed to be asleep. Gotta love teething.

Ups and Downs

I sometimes wonder where all my motivation goes. I mean, for a while there, I was really into running. In fact, I'm still really into it. It's just that I can't fathom running when the high today was 27 degrees. Does that make me a quitter? I feel like I start a lot of things I don't finish. Some of those things are silly side projects and it doesn't matter if they get done any time soon.

I've realized, though, that I've started a lot of different things over the last few years to try to lose weight, or at least get in better shape, and no matter what, I fail to complete it- or even keep it up for a reasonable amount of time. I am so frustrated with myself about this. Every day I look into the mirror before I step into the shower and suck in my stomach and try to push my fat about to see what it would be like to look more like an hourglass and less like an apple on a stick.

I am often found trying things on and then getting frustrated because yet another clothing item no longer fits. It's sort of funny sometimes that this weight issue seems so BIG to me because I'm really not THAT overweight. In fact, by most standards, I'm not overweight at all. It's just that, if I replaced the fat with muscle, I'd fit into things better and just generally FEEL better about myself. It's strange to look in the mirror and not recognize myself...or to look back to my college days and wonder where that girl went. That confident girl with the skinny waistline and the long flowing hair. She could conquer the world. I can't even conquer my body issues.

Poor Love is constantly having to reassure me that he still finds me attractive. I don't think he knows how deeply this body-hate goes. It's so different to see your body after it's been ravaged by pregnancy. I'll spare any Men in my audience from details, but nothing is ever the same. You feel like a shriveled up raisin. The other day I tried on the jacket from one of my favorite suits and found I couldn't button it. So, that night I did pilates at midnight. A few days later I'm wondering to myself, "Just exactly what did that accomplish?"- because I haven't bothered to exercise since.

I'm full of excuses why I don't have time to exercise, and truthfully, I have no idea how to stop that mind frame. I'm also full of reasons why I should- mostly complaints about the way I look- I am my worst critic. I never wanted to be that person who hated her body. I always swore I would stay in shape so I never had to feel like I didn't love my body. But...I didn't. Now it seems impossible to get back to where I was.

I'm not disillusioned into thinking that I'm going to ever look the same as I did in college. The fine lines under my eyes and the pregnancy have told me that much. I'd just like to get to where I can feel good in my clothes. Have a little bit flatter tummy, get my waistline back, and feel strong and healthy. This is something I would like to achieve soon so that I can pass that feeling on to Zoe. I want to get in shape for myself...but also for Love...and for Zoe.

She is watching me now. She's learning from me how to be a woman. She's watching me to see if I love and respect my body, or if I hate it. She's watching...and I'm not being a good example. I want to teach her to love her body...but the trouble is...I don't know where to start on myself...let alone my daughter. I need a plan...a winter plan. When it gets warm, I'll run again...but I don't want to wait that long. I want to stop feeling like a failure.

Needed to get that out. Thanks friends.

Grateful

So my running program went on hiatus for a couple weeks. Mostly because I got busy with work and motherhood and blah, blah, blah and figured that was the easiest to give up. Also, because it got cold...very suddenly. After almost two weeks I really thought about it and decided that taking care of my body was more important than housework or really anything else...because if I let my body down...I will let everything and everyone down in not being able to do what I normally do. Plus I missed it...A LOT. I FEEL so much better when I've exercised. I feel healthy, happy, and in control- which you know is like breathing to me. Also, I'm sick of the unsightly bulges. So I emailed Love and told him I needed to figure out some way to run again. I figured he'd email me back some encouragement and I'd need to start brainstorming. Instead he emailed me and said he'd permanently put Zoe to bed on the nights I wanted to run- we usually switch off every two nights- so I could just go as soon as my dinner had settled. After a week of this I really think it's going to work. It freed me to go whenever I was ready instead of worrying about getting Zoe to bed first or coming up with excuses (like laziness) not to. It helps that it also gives me motivation in the form of guilt: "If Love is going to put Zoe to bed, I can't really just be lazy and not run." I'm so grateful, not only for his support, but for him enabling me to create a healthy habit. Besides, I figure it's a win-win for him. He gets time with Zoe on his own (while I get time on my own) and, if I get in better shape, he'll reap the benefits. :) Hello, week 3

List

Updating in list form:
* I haven't posted for several reasons (you will see them as you read on). I've been super busy with work, new responsibilities, and trying desperately to keep up with the housework- easier to keep up than to deal with ransacked house and the end of the week.
* Zoe's had diarrhea for the last 3 days and a super painful, blistering bum-rash as a result. It breaks my heart to change her bum as she cries and screams "Nonononono!" every time I wipe her. It seems to be getting better though.
* This came after two weeks of cutting molars and a month of terrible naps. It's been a struggle to be a Mom lately. Fortunately, she is hilarious and I LOVE her so I have built a well of patience. I'll admit now that it's drying up. I hope she starts napping soon.
* Also in Zoe news (what? I'm home with her ALL DAY, EVERYDAY...what else would I talk about?) She is getting tubes in just-shy-of two weeks. I'm really nervous about the anesthesia and the surgery...but I'm hoping it will prevent multiple ear infections this Winter. I'd love to hear (happy) stories about this if you have them.
* I went the the Killers concert on Saturday with Love- got him the tickets for Father's Day and he said he'd only take me (they're nearly the only band we both like). I have to say, it was one of the best concerts I've ever been to. You hope a band you love will be awesome live and they did not disappoint. We heard a decent opening band (they didn't say their name clearly) and were surprised by a Mariachi band just before the Killers came on. I have to say, I like Mariachi music...it reminds me of home. However, maybe not the best idea at that kind of concert. Finally the Killers came on and from the start (after fixing some technical difficulties) it was a huge rush- literally. We were general admission floor and were fortunate enough to be maybe two rows behind the stage...except when we were nearly smashed flat as the Killers struck the first chord and the entire crowd surged forward. We kept our ground and once we sorted out our centimeters of space everyone was dancing and singing along. The best part was being there with Love...seeing him grin ear to ear was so worth it!
* I have finally (after several weeks of restarting) made it to week two of the Couch-to-5k running program. Knee injuries, sickness, lack of motivation, and general laziness have been my excuses...then I get out there and run and I truly enjoy it. The peace and quiet, the moon lighting my way, the stress relief...all of it. To tell the truth, I was feeling pretty good and had become comfortable with week one's routine. Week two kicked my butt yesterday, but it felt good to work a little harder. I'm certain if I keep at it, I'll continue to feel better about myself, increase my strength, and hopefully lose a little weight and get into better shape for the next pregnancy.
* We are trying again. No luck yet, but this time I haven't concerned myself with it too much. It's only been a couple months. I stay so busy with Zoe, Love, work, housework and with trying to do things for myself (read, run, play the piano, etc) that I can't dwell on it so much. Also, I refuse to be the paranoid person I was then- unwilling to do ANYTHING that could possibly keep me from getting pregnant...living in a cocoon...crying all the time. I don't know if it's because I already have one baby, or because I have doubts about how I will handle two kids, or if I'm just in a better place with myself, but I feel like my mind is healthier this time...it feels easier to let nature take it's course. I wonder sometimes if Love is worried I will become single-minded again. I don't want to...but of course it's early on and I don't know what will happen, so we'll see. I did learn with Zoe that a baby will come when it's time...and no sooner. I just hope I can remember it.
I think that'll do for now. Sorry, this list isn't really a list...I'm sure with very little tweaking I could make it into a regular post...but it's late so it's fine. What have you been up to?

Slow Down

Summer is winding down into the slower pace of Fall. The air has a slight chill to it and the Fall aromas are beginning to perfume the nights. The universe is telling me to slow down in all facets of my life. Well, I haven't been listening. All summer long I have been busy working, cleaning, playing, stressing, trying to find that state of balance...that "equipoise" that I'm supposed to be looking for here. It seems that finding equipoise is not done by filling your day with projects, scheduling yourself, expecting perfection.

Ever since Zoe was born I've been trying to get my house spotless- you know, like I had it before. After a year of her life, I've finally realized that it's just not going to be...and that I have to learn to be ok with that. Obviously, it's going to take me a long time to do that, but knowing is half the battle right? On top of wantinga spotless house I am trying to be a perfect employee. I've been working from home since May- something that sort of just fell into my lap. Since it's something that is rare in my company, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it- which is a major stress all it's own. It's been a great blessing as it allows me to help support my family financially while also living my dream of being home with Zoe. Truth be told, though, it's a lot harder than I thought. I love my daughter, but sometimes I wish I could just escape to work, have less crying and more adult conversation. Before, when I was AT WORK part time, I could come home and truly focus on her...and on my days off I would get my cleaning and projects done during her naps. Now, I work during all of her naps so I find myself doing the cleaning and projects when I feel like I should be focusing on her. She is my priority...and I do play with her often and take her outside, read her books, let her explore, let her create...but sometimes I feel like I'm allowing my perfectionist nature about my house take up time I should be spending being an engaged parent. It's become really hard for me to find a balance in this.

As if I needed to add more, I've also decided recently that I needed to start doing things for myself before I had nothing at all to give to my children. I waited too long to make this decision and found myself slipping away as motherhood took over. So I've been trying to play the piano more, reading more often, and I began an exercise program- which brought on the universe's message:

SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

That message came loud and clear when I hurt my knees running the very first day of the program. I didn't listen...instead trying for two weeks to get them to feel better- going running despite the pain because I don't want to lose my motivation. Before and throughout that, Zoe got sick with a double ear infection just after finally adjusting to being weaned to a bottle. For weeks she's been whining, crying, clingy, and just generally unsatisfied. It was my hope that this would stop once the antibiotics had taken effect- not so. A few days after finishing the antibiotic a tooth popped through...ah, this must explain it. SO we administered teething tablets and meds at night for pain...still whining, clingy, and not sleeping so great. On top of all this I've been trying to reach my goals for the month for work and this is the final week of the month.

Yesterday, I decided to walk instead of run and my knees are feeling better. This evening I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and Zoe was all but climbing up my legs and crying. Finally I left the dishes, picked her up and we went into the living room and played for a while before bedtime. She stopped crying and that's when it hit me. I need to slow down. I need to continue my workouts but take a slower pace. I need to worry less about perfection and more about getting it done so I can have fun with my daughter. I need to focus on work when I'm working and leave it upstairs when I'm not. Finally, I need to take things a day at a time. Give myself daily goals, yes, but allow myself to decide daily how best to spend my time. Children grow too fast, knees aren't made of steel, I am not wonder woman, as long as it's sanitary, the mess can wait. So yeah, Universe, I got your message...loud and clear...slowing down now.

As a reward for making it through my long-winded ramblings here's some Equipoise family news: We're officially trying to conceive...again. I have more to say on this subject, but that is another post. Until then, slow down

Sweat

As much as I hate it, there's nothing quite like knowing you worked your muscles hard enough to heat them up and cause you to sweat. Recently I have stopped merely complaining about my weight and started to do something about it. I'm paying attention to the amount of calories I put in my body and I've been working on fitting exercise into my schedule. Neither have been easy and I haven't been perfect. I decided, however, that perfection does not matter. I'm simply proud to be doing SOMETHING. I've been on a few walks...a couple with Zoe, but we're going to wait on that until it cools a bit before she goes with me again. Tonight I decided to try running again...it's been a while. As hard as it was, and as many times as I slowed to a walk, it still felt so good to really get my muscles moving. I had forgotten my favorite parts: the wind rushing past my ears, the tightening of my abs, the burning in my thighs, the steady rhythm of my breathing as my music paced my feet. I was determined to go today, so I ran in the dark- which I don't recommend as I listened to my music quietly and was so alert the whole time I couldn't fully enjoy the release of running- but at least I went. As I sit here, still feeling the burn of my lungs, I feel accomplished...and ready to do a little better tomorrow.

P.S. I really appreciate everyone's comments on my last post. As you've probably guessed by the running, I'm feeling much better now. :)

I got me a partner!

Well, I got one a long time ago...but Love has agreed to start getting up and running with me in the morning! If there's one thing I've learned about myself over the years, it's that I AM NOT a self-motivated person. I must have a reason, a friend, or a prepared task that gives me incentive to do something. If I have that, I'm great. I am a doer, a go-getter, a task...completer...??? Yeah, something like that. If not, I'm sunk. It's terribly sad, I know...but don't worry. If I don't have a motivator, I am excellent at complaining.

In baby news, well, there really isn't any. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not this month...and honestly...I am not really to worried about it. Maybe I'm in denial...maybe I have found some sort of peace about the whole thing for a while...maybe I'm just tired. Yes, tired. I'm tired of thinking about it constantly. Sick of letting it take over my life. I have so much stress in my life right now and sometimes I feel like if I could just get pregnant...a lot of it would be relieved. To me, stress may be something keeping me from getting there. So, I'm trying to take a step back. I want to start focusing on me, on Love, on getting in shape, finding more time for creative things. Maybe if I just try to step out of it for a bit...I'll conceive. Who knows? It's worth a shot right? Don't worry, we're definitely not giving up. We are still trying...still...well you know...on the right days and all that. Yet we're trying to focus on other things for a while. If that doesn't work by the end of the summer, then we'll look at our budget and see if we can fit in those (high cost, not covered by insurance- that's another topic though) options that the Doctor gave us. I want a baby soooo bad. I'm aching to be a mother and to let Love experience the fatherhood he never got to have with his daughter. I guess I'm just not ready to give up on nature yet. Has anyone else had this problem?

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

i am feeling...lost? no, that is not the right word...i am not lost, i am uncertain...about, well, everything. my mind is filled with questions. where am i going? what am i doing? what am i waiting for? why can't i just LIVE and let the pregnancy thing be? why am i SO FREAKIN FOCUSED on having a baby that i can't justify an early morning jog because i might hurt a potential pregnancy? what if i never become pregnant (heaven forbid) and i spend years living in limbo? what if i find myself five years down the road without a child in my arms, having gained 20 more pounds than the 30 i've put on the last few years? what if i'm still sitting on the couch channel surfing and watching my life drift slowly by as i wave it away like a fly? how can i keep justifying my laziness? so many questions and no easy answers. couple that with the fact that my body can't decide what it wants to do.

did you know i started bleeding last tuesday? ten days before i was supposed to? then i stopped on friday and not a drop since. what does that mean? am i pregnant? am i just freaking out? am i so damn stressed out that my body is signaling it's had enough? and how come i never noticed that my breast are tender near cycle day one before i started trying? why did it take me six months to figure that out so i didn't think it was a sign of pregnancy? how's a girl supposed to figure all this out on her own?

here's a thought. how about we take all the crack addicts that get pregnant and throw children away like trash...and place those babies in the wombs of the women who have good homes, who ache to hold their child in their arms? i am dizzy with the thoughts swimming around in my head. wondering how much longer i can hold it in. wondering what it's going to take to push me over the edge. what is going to break this calm i've been feeling? do you find it sad that i almost expect the bleeding to come? do you know how to break hope? do you know how to get it back?

i am uncertain about life, about where this path will lead me. i am uncertain whether we'll ever have enough money for a house, if we'll ever be out of debt. i am worried about my job, how much longer i can do it...what it will take for me to focus. i am hoping that Matt likes his new job and that it will take him far. far enough that i can quit working, be a stay at home mom like i've always wanted, do some of the things i truly love and never have time for...that is if i can just get over this hurdle mountain- that stands between me and motherhood. i would love any advice...any answers to my questions...anyone in my shoes.

Title is a quote by: John Wooden

Matt Warming Up For The Game

Love Warming Up for the Game

Winter Into Spring

I have been trying for a week to find a spare minute to write about my little nature walk with Matt and my camera last Saturday. Finally, I have found the time.



Saturday was absolutely beautiful! It was the first warm, sunny weekend we’ve had in what seems like eternity. We decided it would be fun to explore the river trail behind our house. We left and just kind of dawdled along down the trail, stopping to take a few pictures here and there. Unfortunately, my silly camera has a way of taking pictures the way it sees things and not the way I see things…which is why there are so few pictures on this site to date. I’ll try and have a talk with my camera though, and see if we can compromise a little so I can remedy that situation. Anyway, I came across a little alcove of trees around the very first bend and just had to take a picture. What do you think?




This photo I was actually looking for. There are so few places I have seen in Salt Lake City where the little shoots of grass are desperately trying to poke their way through the dead foliage left behind after a long winter. I found this little patch of grass and just had to capture it. I can’t wait until I see some colorful blossoms adorning our trees!

The funniest thing that happened on our walk was a little conversation I had with Matt…oh how I wish I had taken a picture! (Mind you, it’s been a week, so this won’t be word for word.)

Matt: “I think that’s a beaver!”

Me: “Where?”

Matt: (points at the river) “Right there!”

Me: “I think that’s a stick…”

Matt: “NO, it’s a beaver!” (runs to the riverbank for a closer look.)

Me: “What is it?”

Matt: (looks defeated) “It’s a stick…”

Well, I thought it was funny, especially because he was still groggy from a late afternoon nap and, up until then, had barely dragged his feet down the trail. The sight of the “beaver” got him running like a kindergartener to an ice cream truck in summer.




This last one was actually found by Matt, I just took the picture…enjoy!

Author's Note: Originally Published March 19, 2007