Feeling Better

After the horrible news yesterday morning and a day spent sulking silently, Matt decided we needed to go shopping after work. It was surprisingly liberating to buy a few items of clothing that actually FIT my body. Normally, I don't get a healing effect from spending money. In fact, generally, I think spending money is stressful. Yesterday, however, I just didn't care. It was wonderful and I felt so much better as we left.

Later, Matt had a softball game to go to and I stayed home to do laundry and pack for our trip today. (We're going home to NM for the weekend.) I was watching Grey's Anatomy- it was a crazy season premiere, by the way- when a pregnant woman having her severed arm reattached went into labor and had a baby. I sat there and watched the show, pretty contented and folding laundry, when, suddenly, they showed a room full of babies. They were adorable, all swaddled with their pink and blue baby hats and little tags on their beds saying "I'm a Boy!" and "I'm a Girl!". Seconds after their appearance on screen, I found myself bawling uncontrollably. I reached for the remote and tried to see through the blur of tears to change the channel, which I couldn't do fast enough. Then I sat there sobbing loudly and fully, tears pouring down my cheeks onto my pants and the floor. My hands were soaked and my nose was dripping and I just didn't care. And I couldn't stop, every time I tried to calm myself down I would wail loudly again and drop my head in my hands and pour out gut-wrenching sobs. I finally calmed down after about ten minutes when I went to the bathroom for tissue and saw my reflection. Who was this person? Who was this red-eyed, puffy-faced person who had just sobbed for ten minutes out of no where? Where did that come from? After I calmed down a bit, I just figured that I had been angry all day and hadn't let myself really experience the sadness I felt. I guess my body decided my emotions needed to explode.

Today, I'm feeling much better. I got up and put on my new clothes- one of my most favorite things, did my hair, and came to work feeling pretty. I'm excited to go home and be around family, and so glad it's Friday.

I am...

In need of a reason to smile today. I was three days late and started to hope. What a stupid thing to do as I woke up to red this morning.

Late At Night

To be perfectly honest...it is these times late at night, when Love is asleep, when my thoughts are allowed to turn to the pain of having an empty womb, that my truest emotions come out unashamedly and I acknowledge my tears. I face up to my fears of never carrying a child, and wonder if I can handle that. I know there are thousands of women who are in a much worse situation than I am, but late at night...I don't want to try to explain away my emotions...I want to let them out. I want to stop feeling bad for being upset that so many women around me are able to conceive...some without much thought at all. I want to stop feeling like it's my fault, to stop wondering if there's something I'm doing wrong that would keep me from motherhood.
Most of the time, I keep my fears and emotions at bay- while trying to acknowledge all the good things I have in my life. And I do have SO MANY good things! I have a Husband who loves me eternally and wholly and who I know will stay by my side and be strong and fight with me, no matter what. I have family who supports me and knows my pain and tries as much as they can to be understanding. I have friends who are loyal and who try to keep my mind on other things- and who will yell at me when I need a wake up call. I have faith in God and Jesus Christ that they know what they are doing- and I do try to trust them- and I'm so grateful for the comfort they give me during this trial in my life. It is late at night- in my weaker moments, when the bustle of everyday life settles and my thoughts collect- that my fears come creeping in...bringing along the flood of tears I've been pushing down.
It's the quiet moments during the car ride home, after my sister-in-law announces she's pregnant, and I realize I'm the only one in that family, who wants to be, that's not. It's when my Husband grabs my hand, realizing I've been quietly letting the tears rush down my face as I stare out the window, and asks if I'm OK. It's then when I admit that, no, I'm not. I stammer through my sobs that I'm so happy for her because I know that she's been wanting this for a while. I say I appreciate how gentle she was when she announced it...that she gave me the opportunity to cry without making me feel guilty. But, I'm so angry that I don't get to be pregnant. That I don't get to feel that joy. That I have to see people close to me enjoy what I want the most. Then I immediately feel guilty when my Husband tells me she FEELS BAD for being pregnant when I'm not. NO ONE should have to feel bad that they are pregnant. And I'm SO SORRY to anyone who is close to me, or even if you're not, if I've ever made you feel bad for being pregnant when I'm not. I want you to be pregnant...just as much as I want it. So, why am I so terribly jealous and bitter sometimes?
Well, I guess that's the selfishness in me. The part of me that I'm trying to keep soft and not sharp. But I know that sometimes you get stabbed by the feathers in your pillow. So, tonight I let the softness of my tears flow freely along with the bitterness of the sharps that sometimes surface. I hope you can understand that sometimes, late at night, I just need to cry, and rage, and cry...and hope those who listen will not judge me.


There's a part of me that wonders if we'll ever get to the point where we're not moving money around in order to live. Don't get me wrong, we always have enough for what we need- you know, food, shelter, cars, gas, etc. However, it seems like every time we want to do something fun, or get a new shirt, or buy Love new pants- since the zipper broke in two of them and I'm no seamstress- we never seem to have enough. So, we'll put it off and put it off until it does become a need- like the pants- and then we have to scramble. I am the finance guru of our little family, so I am the one who takes the brunt of the stress.
I have been thinking a lot lately of going back to school, or buying nice camera and taking some photography classes...but every time those thoughts cross my mind I get a big neon banner running through my head:
Now, I know that I'm not the only one who sometimes feels the massive weight of expenses weighing down on me. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you cope? What do you do to relieve the stress?

A Mess

Well, it has been some week. I ended up being sick through the entire week, missing three days of work. However, because my employer refuses to award us sick leave, I had to use vacation time for those days. The problem is, I didn't have enough vacation time to cover three days. So, I had to work from home...sick. I'm sure that really helped me to recover more quickly. On Friday I was still not quite myself, but had to come in to work anyway.
Friday evening Love and I flew to New Mexico. My grandparents flew us out so we could attend their 50th Anniversary Celebration. To make a long story short, let's just say the plane seated 30 people, it was hot, and I didn't feel well. Saturday I was feeling a little better, still not digesting food, but better. I was able to pay a visit to my best friend, which was so much fun. Later, we went to the New Mexico State Fair with Nell & Chad, the newlyweds. It was fun, but I ate way too much junk- as you might have guessed- which didn't end so well. Sunday was The Big Party. The celebration turned out to be a blast! We danced the night away- including a "Saturday Night Fever" performance complete with a floor slide by Matt, "The Carlton" by Chad, and a YMCA performance by the men of the family. We flew home at the crack of dawn- making our flight by the skin of our teeth- Monday.
Today, I am puzzled by the appearance of the evil red stuff- again- a week early. My boobs don't hurt this time and I don't feel as weird as last month, but I can't get rid of this nauseous feeling. Not that it means anything because I'm still not properly digesting food.
So, to sum up:
* The weekend was fun
* I'm a mess
In good news, the weather was a bit chilly this morning so I had to wear a hoodie- my favorite thing. The leaves are already changing- Utah is gorgeous in the Fall. I'm just waiting for the pace of life to slow down just a tad more.



Thing #1: I spent Saturday here. We went up to celebrate my nephew's 3rd birthday at their family cabin. It was breathtaking and peaceful. I didn't realize until I arrived how much I had been needing to get away. I needed to take a moment to breathe fresh air and take in the silence. Refreshed and relaxed I think I'm ready to take on the week.

Thing #2: Judging by the comments, or lack thereof, on my last post, I'm assuming you are just as confused as I am. I guess I will keep stewing about it. Would you to the same? Maybe we can brainstorm later.

Thing #3: I have scheduled an appointment with a new OB/GYN. I don't necessarily dislike my present OB/GYN, but I have had several small issues with his office, building up over time and, last month, the pile toppled over. I was desperately trying to get in touch with his office to schedule an appointment. I needed to have them check me out after all those crazy symptoms last month. I still haven't been able to reach them. SO, I'm getting a second opinion on everything. Who knows? Maybe I'll switch for good. New Doctor is closer, I have friends that go to him, and (because of them) he's aware of our situation and said he'd love to try and help us. I hope this is a good move.
Last Thing: I am trying to expand my subject matter when it comes to photography. My dinner looked so pretty last night so I took a snapshot with my dinky camera. What do you think?




"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write if he is ultimately to be at peace with himself. What one can be, one must be."
- Abraham Maslow
I believe in this quote wholeheartedly, but I have been struggling with it quite a bit lately. I know we're meant to work hard in this life. I know that thousands of people work everyday in a job that means nothing but money to them. Are we supposed to spend the majority of our lives doing something that means nothing to us? How do I do what I love AND pay the bills? How do I find time to do both? What do you think? How do you accomplish this?