How Do You Fill Your Bucket?

I always thought I had to lose myself in Motherhood.

Don't get me wrong, in a lot of ways, we do.  The hours, the demands, the putting another person's interests before your own and so many other facets of motherhood, it changes you.  But when I became a mother I found that completely losing myself didn't work for me. In fact, it didn't work for my kids either.
 

I spent my first year of motherhood completely devoted to my Zoe.  When you have a newborn this is necessary in a lot of ways. They are completely dependent on you.  As they hit milestones they look to you to navigate them through rolling over, crawling, walking, eating, and playing. Not to mention it had taken us over two years to conceive her.  She was my sole focus in life before she ever even existed here on earth.  So I gave her my time.  Matt and I almost never went on dates or she would often come with us if we did. He was not my focus, let alone me.

After the first year I started to feel human again. I was done nursing, I started showering in the mornings again instead of whenever I could find a minute, I tried to get out of the house more.  Yet my days were still centered around Zoe's nap schedule. Life was still all about her. Then I got pregnant with Paige.

My second pregnancy was completely different from my first. I was down and out. If I was upright I was unbearably nauseous. Plus I had to take care of a 16 month old and still work. I was exhausted all the time. I felt like I could barely function.  As the pregnancy progressed, things got a bit easier, but it was a hard pregnancy and by the end of it, I was so completely done.

When Paige was born, I made her my world again. At the expense of Zoe and my marriage and especially myself.  She was a very sleepy baby, but only during the day. At night she was hard to get to sleep. Plus, she had acid reflux like her sister- making life with a baby and a two year old even harder. At the time, I was in survival mode. I felt I was barely hanging on, but I made it through the days and we found a routine.
 

Two months later my marriage fell apart.  

Now, there were many reasons for this, but what it really boiled down to was that we had not nurtured our relationship in a very long time and communication was not something we had worked at.  He had his faults and I had mine.  To say it was a difficult time is a massive understatement.  I was broken and in pain.
 

Almost overnight I became a single Mom with two small children and a job. I would stay up late at night and examine myself and my life.  I lost a lot of weight in a very short time.  As I stared into the mirror at the face that then looked so much like the face of my youth I realized I had no idea who I was anymore.  I was so lost in motherhood and in my image of myself as a wife that I had forgotten to hang on to the things that made me who I was.  My kids didn't know how much I loved music and writing.  Zoe had such a hard time gaining a sister because I had made her my whole world until that wasn't possible anymore.  I had given my family everything I had except what they really needed: Me.

It was at that moment that I discovered the most important lesson I have learned so far:

Motherhood doesn't require us to give up who we are.

So I made some immediate changes.  I started doing things that made me feel like myself.  Things I enjoyed.  I shared them with my children.  I let them hear me sing aloud in the house and play the piano.  I pulled out my flute.  I started writing again.  I thought for so long that doing these things, taking "time away from them" to do things I loved would be selfish.  I learned that our children need to see who we are.  They need to see what makes us special. 

Our children were sent to us for a reason.  We have talents and gifts that are best suited towards raising them to be the best people they can be.  Putting aside things we love, losing ourselves in our children, not remembering to care for ourselves is not a service to them or to us.  How will we raise them to have self confidence, to love who they are, to believe that they can be anyone or anything they choose to be if we don't set the example?

Matt and I fixed our marriage.  We learned the hard way what happens when a relationship isn't properly nourished.  We learned to communicate and to help each other become our best selves.  We learned that the best thing we can do for our kids together is provide them the stability and example of a good marriage.  Similarly, we must properly nourish ourselves so we don't fall apart.

The last few years I have explored this concept further.  I started running and got into fitness and healthy eating and really started paying attention to my body and my spirit.  I now know that in order to give my kids my best self, I have to take care of me, too. 

I have learned more about myself.  I know that I need to recharge after being around a lot of people.  I know that my temper is triggered by lack of sleep, stress, and feeling rushed.  I know that I feel more powerful and in control when I get a workout in every day- not to mention the endorphins, energy and the stress relief that gives me.  I know that when I provide my body with good food I have the energy to accomplish my tasks AND give my kids what they need from me.  I know that too much sugar makes my emotions less stable.  I know that reading scriptures, saying prayers, and allowing myself moments of silence throughout the day helps me to get my mind, body and spirit working together and in the right place.  I know that some days I just need to curl up with a good book, do yoga, write, or get in a good, mind-cleansing run.

Knowing all these things doesn't help me to be perfect, but it does help me to be a better Mother, wife, and person.

I look at it this way.  I have a bucket.  From this bucket I give my kids love, basic care, a listening ear, playtime, taxi service, help with homework as well as trying to teach them to love our Heavenly Father and be kind human beings.  Also from this bucket I love and support my husband and give him what he needs from me.  The bucket provides the means to fulfill responsibilities to my job and in my home.  It is where I find my ability to fulfill my church callings and my ability to serve others.  The bucket is how I remember to nurture the important relationships in my life.  Or do necessary things like buy the groceries and pay the bills.  The bucket allows me to do everything I need to do in my life.  If that bucket is empty, how can I possibly accomplish all these things?  I have to fill up that bucket regularly if I am going to keep using it.

My little world needs that bucket...and that bucket is ME! 

I am not saying that we should be selfish.  I am not saying to ignore your baby's screaming to finish a workout.  I am not saying to lock yourself in your room with a book for a whole day and let your toddler run freely.  Or that being a devoted Mom is a bad thing.  I am not saying that a newborn baby doesn't take every ounce of time and energy you have.  I am not telling you to exercise!  I am not saying you aren't enough because you ARE!

I am just suggesting that by taking better care of ourselves, perhaps we learn to better care for others.  Or, at least, we offer the best of what we have. There will come a time as a person, a wife, a mother, a parent, a friend, or even an employee that you will feel depleted.  You will feel like you can't stay upright, you cannot give another ounce, you cannot take another step, lift another finger.  Your bucket will be empty or close to it.  When that time comes you will need to know who you are and what you need to do to keep going. 

How do you fill your bucket?



 

Shutdown

I have this tendency. Being a perfectionist my whole life, I have always been a little embarrassed of this tendency. Yet here I am admitting it on the internet hoping it will cleanse me a bit.

When I get overwhelmed I shut down. Completely.

Right now my house in in shambles, I haven't blogged in weeks, I'm a bit behind on my work, I have a "to do" list a mile long, I have calls to make, a car to have repaired (another story for another day) and a million other things I can't even remember right now.

It's overwhelming.

And I haven't even begun to tackle any of it.

I don't know if my brain just doesn't know how to process that much to do. To break it down. To prioritize. Or if I just have this lazy streak in me that comes out when I've had enough of the endless "trying to stay on top of things" mindset I usually run on.

I had to take another trip to New Mexico (yet another story), which I am so grateful I got to take. However, all the time away from home allowed me to get used to living without a massive list of things to do. And that little part of it was nice.

Meanwhile, that list kept growing in my absence and I returned unsure of where to even start!
Add to that our attempt to give Zoe some clear rules and responsibility and a teething baby. This week I just gave up.

The problem with a perfectionist mentality and shutdown mode coexisting is that I get a huge pile of anxiety to add to my already overwhelmed mind. And it shows. I don't sleep well, tossing and turning, I can't shut my mind off, I beat myself up over not getting anything done, I feel embarrassed when people see the results of shutdown mode, which gives me more anxiety.

Then I just feel awful.

Luckily, the anxiety usually wins out and I decide to do something about the mess I've tried to ignore. I guess I've started with blogging. Not the best priority to pick, maybe, but I do feel better getting all this off my chest. Next is the mountain of laundry I'm going to fold and then the kitchen I need to tackle and then that pesky "to do" list will start to get checked off and all will be right in the world again.

Until I get overwhelmed again...and shutdown again...and the cycle continues. Sigh.

Anyone else have this issue?

Just Love Them

Since getting to New Mexico we have been staying with my sister, Nell, and her husband, Chad. I have really enjoyed the time with her! My sister's house is beautifully decorated. In other words, so not baby proof!

My girls have simultaneously loved and had a hard time here. We are all sharing one room, they can't touch "anything", Mommy didn't bring very many toys, and there's no place to play outside. On the other hand, Aunt Nell spoils them, they have free reign of our childhood barbie collection, they get lots of attention, and surprisingly they've done fairly well here.

On the other hand, their schedule has been thrown off so they aren't always getting enough sleep. (What is it about changing your environment that you can't seem to function quite right? Or is it just me?) Unfortunately, lack of sleep has led to clingy girls, attention hogging, whining, crying and temper tantrums. While these things are usually part of our day, it's not usually to this extent. Being the only parent here (Matt is still in Utah until Sunday) has been very taxing.

I have spent most of my days here frustrated with my girls. It's exhausting to constantly be clinged to, whined at, screamed at, and disrespected. Sometimes I almost want to cry when they get like this. My patience well is running so low I am actually feeling happy I have to work 8 hours today so I can get a break.

While all of this is quite a normal cycle in the life of a parent with young children, I started thinking tonight of the bigger picture.

I am here in New Mexico to support my younger sister, Kristin, and her husband, Cameron, as they were thrust into parenthood much earlier than expected. I've watched them brave the storm of the first few days when we weren't even sure their baby, Isabella, was going to make it. I've watched as each time they were faced with hard procedures or a difficult prognosis. I've watched as they got snippets of good news. I've watched as they fought and never gave up hope. They stayed strong and brave through all of it.


In the last few days things have really looked up. They finally got to hold their precious, tiny miracle, bathe her, feed her (through a feeding tube) and begin to look towards a future of taking her home.
I watched their weathered faces gradually brighten with hope and love and happiness in a situation that is still precarious, but stable for now. They love her with everything they have, want the very best for her, want her to be happy. Mostly, they are grateful every day that she is alive and here with them.

This is parenting at it's best.

And it took me back to the first time I held Zoe and Paige. It reminded me of all the promises I made to myself and to them in those first moments of parenthood. Especially the first time around when you go into it completely blind and find that parenting is all about learning as you go. When you think you won't make the same mistakes your parents, friends, and neighbors did.

People try to tell you how hard parenting can be. I've often said myself that parenting is the most frustrating, yet most rewarding thing I've ever done. Yet no one told me, and no one really could have put it into words, the day-to-day frustrations of parenting. Especially how it builds up.
When your kids are being difficult, it is sometimes hard to remember the pure joy of those first moments. It's hard to remember to find joy in the every day moments with them. It's hard to appreciate the sweet moments on the days where they are far and few between.

While I've been busy feeling frustrated with my children, Cameron and Kristin are grateful for another day with theirs. While I get annoyed with how clingy my girls are, they waited for days just to be able to hold Isabella. While I get tired of the whining, they are giddy over every movement and noise.

While I contemplated this, I thought to myself, "These are your most precious blessings! Your job is to love them, care for them, teach them and support them. NO MATTER WHAT!" Instantly I felt like I needed to reevaluate myself as a parent. Zoe and Paige are kids. They are allowed to be roller coasters of emotion. It is my job to be their solid ground, their cheerleader, and their teacher. Mostly I just need to show them as much love as I possibly can.

I love being Zoe and Paige's Mom. I am grateful for my girls. I do feel blessed to have them in my life. What needs to change is I need to show them that I feel this way. Show them my joy more and my frustration less. Use my calm voice more and my loud one less. Be more gentle and kind and patient (even when it seems impossible) so they will learn to be more gentle and kind and patient. I want to remember this time in our lives as a happy time and not a frustrated time.

The only way I know how to do this is to make the commitment today and make the better choice at every opportunity. I know I won't be perfect at it. But if I can do better every day, then we will be happier.

I knew the second I met her that Isabella would be an inspiration in my family. I knew she would have a lot to teach us. I didn't realized it would happen so quickly. Or that my little sister could be such an example to me. Your prayers and good thoughts for my family and for Isabella continue to be appreciated.

What challenges do you face in your life? Have you ever had an epiphany that made you want to change things? Leave me a comment! I love to hear from you.

A Miracle

I witnessed a miracle today. A gorgeous, 12.8 inch, 1 pound 14 ounce miracle. Her name is Isabella and she is my newest niece- and the very first for me on my side of the family. As I sat by her side and gently stroked her tiny feet, it was love at first sight.

She looks just like her Mom, my youngest sister, Kristin, who says she has her Dad's lips. As I sat and watched her tiny chest rise and fall I noticed her clenched fist looked an awful lot like mine. I smiled inwardly at this and laughed a while later when my Mom echoed that thought aloud. Only fitting, since my firstborn looked just like her Aunt Kristin at birth.

Speaking of Kristin, I am so proud of her. After all she's faced in the last two days she was calm and self assured when I finally got to see her. Already doing what Mommies do best: taking care of her little girl any way she can. Amazing how in one day, the little sister who I always had trouble accepting was old enough to be married, became a Mom. And, though she has been for a while, a woman in the eyes of an older sister who didn't want to believe she grew up. So much wisdom and bravery in her eyes.

And who could ask for a better Dad than Cameron? My Brother-in-law is a rock upon rocks. He is brave and strong and always keeps a clear head. Always there to support the people he loves. Someone you can count on. As he took me back to see her, I listened to him talking. It takes literally seconds to become a Father. Any man can be a Father. Cameron is a Dad.

Imagine finding out you're going to be a parent three months early! They have both stepped up to that role and I am so in awe of them. Isabella couldn't have come to better parents.

There has been miracle upon miracle in her life so far. She is a strong and special little girl. I can't wait to see what she does with this life of hers. I can't wait to see what she has to teach us. For now, she just needs to rest and grow.

I don't want to share too many details here. I don't want to take that privilege from her parents. I will say that your thoughts and prayers thus far seem to be working...and continue to ask for more.

I love you little Bella!

The Fish With Nine Lives

(I hope.)

Last week I was spending some time visiting on my neighbor's porch. It was gorgeous, cool day and we spent most of the evening there. Our homes are all situated around one big park. A huge grass field and a basketball court greet me as I walk down my sidewalk from the front door. They are called "park homes" and we essentially all share one giant front yard.

Matt was gone to a late softball game. I was watching Paige crawl around the grass when Zoe decided to run home to go potty. She does this often when we are outside so I wasn't worried. I sat talking with the neighbors and watching Paige devour a green tomato I gave her. Kid seriously LOVED it. When Zoe come back out of the house, she came straight to me and tattled on herself, "Mom, I fed Fish Food."

I immediately got frustrated because I had fed him for the night and she had already fed him AGAIN once before that. (Granted, I shouldn't have left it within her reach. I just hadn't put it away from being left out when my family was visiting.) I warned her she needed to be careful how much food she fed her fish because too much food could kill him. (We are very graphic in our house.)

All of the sudden she melted into a ball of tears and came and cried in my lap. I calmed her down and told her we would take care of him and Mommy would do everything she could to keep him happy and healthy, but she needed to know what could happen if she fed him too much. She melted again.
I calmed her down again and she went to play as I sat mystified at how upset she had been. Usually she takes facts very well and applies them. This time, every time I mentioned overfeeding the fish, she freaked. Needless to say, I have decided the fish will just be replaced if it ever dies. Zoe is not ready to experience fish death.

We sat on the porch until dusk and then I went inside to get the girls to bed. I made plans with the neighbors to make non-alcoholic Mohitos after the kids went down.

Soon, it was Mohito time. We mixed our drinks and sat down in the living room to enjoy them. (They were yummy, but we are going to do a bit of tweaking next time.)

As we were talking I noticed Fish Food's water was looking pretty cloudy. I looked closer and there was a pile of food on the plastic leaves in his bowl. I stood up and gasped as I saw this:


Zoe had emptied the ENTIRE contents of the brand new can of fish food into the fish bowl. No WONDER she was so upset about overfeeding him!

Concerned, I grabbed the bowl and moved Fish Food to a bowl of clean water. I emptied out the contents of the bowl into a strainer and immediately gagged. Fish food stinks! (The actual food, not the fish. Although, I've never actually tried to smell him. Perhaps he does stink.) Especially mushy fish food in large quantities.

I began to run my fingers through the rock/fish food combination to wash off the fish food. It was gross! Meanwhile, I tried to keep tiny rocks from falling into the garbage disposal. (Because luck would have it that only the garbage disposal side was available for fish bowl cleaning.) Finally, I plugged the drain and the cleaning went much faster.

In order to give me a heart attack, Fish Food (the fish...this is going to be a problem) kept floating on his side in the bowl he was resting in. My neighbor and I kept putting our fingers in the water to make sure he was still alive. Stupid Fish.

At last, the bowl was reassembled and filled with clean water. I purified the water, checked the temperature and put Fish Food back in his bowl.

Then I watched him.

He was being kind of twitchy.

I started to freak...a little.

Eventually my neighbors told me to calm down. He was probably just worked up from all the chaos.
After a while they turned out to be right. He calmed down and was soon swimming around happily.
The next morning I showed Zoe the sparkling clean bowl and the happy fish and told her I took care of him like I promised. I was rewarded with a huge smile and the tightest hug.

Supermom? I think so.

Ever had any crazy, or parent saves the day, or just gross, animal experiences? Please share!

Three Years

Dear Zoe,

Right now you are sleeping and I'm enjoying the stillness of the house. When you're awake, you are a bubbly, loud, high-pitched ball of fun...most of the time. I enjoy that part too. You have just entered your third year of life. Year two was a very big year for you.

Shortly after you turned two you became a big sister. You had a really hard time adjusting to sharing attention. Especially at the beginning when Paige needed so much of mine. It was an adjustment for me too. I missed being able to play with you almost any time you wanted. Getting just the two of us ready and out of the house. Going on walks together to the park or the library. Being able to just focus on you.


Paige came and all of that changed. Not because I love her more, just because adding someone else to the family is both difficult and wonderful. Also, babies are hard. They are cute and snugly and you love them and kiss their cheeks, but they don't let you sleep and they cry and want to eat all the time. I think we're finally starting to get the hang of it. Mom is learning how to divide her time between the two of you. And you are starting to play with your sister a bit more.

Curiously, you have a difficult time being "gentle" with her. I'm certain you just want to play with her, but it's hard for Mom to get you to understand that she's little. You're getting better though. You are sweet. You are constantly watching out for her and letting us know if she needs something or is doing something dangerous. You love her so much. Every morning you come in and ask me, "Can we go get Paige?"


For a long time you would run into her room and shout, "Hip-pottomas!" Paige would grin and you would giggle. Now you just yell, "Good Morning!" You often share with her (though sometimes you don't) and you are my little helper. Always getting her toys to play with and even trying to feed her. Your favorite thing to do for Paige is make her laugh.

A couple months later, Dad moved out for a while and we ended up getting divorced and you learned to split households. This was hard on you. You asked Mom a lot of questions I didn't have answers for. You cried and were upset easily. You started coming into my room at night. You couldn't understand why Daddy wasn't home anymore.


You're too little to understand what happened. And part of you is still trying to feel secure now that things have mended. Still, I'm so proud of you for how your young self handled this. I get teary-eyed thinking of times I cried and you would come hand me bunny to make me feel better. You were so worried about me and I tried to put on a brave face for you, but failed so many times.

All you need to know for now is that Mom and Dad forgot how to love and trust each other. We forgot to be kind and forgiving. Now we know how grateful we are for each other. When you are older we will have a lot to teach you about love and commitment. For now, we promise we will be a forever family just like it was supposed to be.


This year you really came out of your shell. Where you were shy around most people before, you are now open and talkative. You wave and smile easily. You will talk to anyone who will listen. You love to sing and will sing anything from Twinkle to Michael Jackson to Adele. Music moves you. You enjoy dancing to a good beat and playing the piano.

You want to do everything "by myself, Mom". You are interested in the things I do and always want to help me cook or clean. You are becoming more and more independent every day. Sometimes I miss you needing me more. Occasionally you will still ask me to do things for you that I know you can do on your own. Or ask me to carry you. I'm grateful for these moments you give me to "baby" you. I know they will not go on for much longer.


You are beautiful and smart. You still love to read and you love to tell your own little stories. Often they start with, "When I was a Mommy" or "When I was 15" or "When I was a dog". I love to listen to your imagination being put to words. Or when you "read" and talk about what you picked up from books...or read them all the way through from memory. Your vocabulary amazes me. Often, people are surprised you are so young because you converse so well.

Sometimes, because of this, Mom forgets you are still young and tries to treat you like an adult. You put me in my place fairly quickly. We have a lot of "battles" thoughout the day. Your emotions are so big for such a little girl. We are working on putting names to how you're feeling and finding better ways to deal with them. Mom is working on holding her temper back.



See, even Moms and Dads make mistakes. We try hard to recognize them, apologize and correct them. I hope this teaches you that it's ok to make mistakes sometimes. As long as you learn from them and do what you can to fix any damage you caused.

Potty training was a good lesson in this. When you're a Mom, you will understand why Mom lost her temper a few times during this part of year two. Potty training is frustrating. For everyone. But you pulled through and Mom learned to keep her cool and now you are officially potty trained! Even at night. Mom and Dad are SO proud of you for learning this important skill!


You talked about your birthday for months before it ever happened. You are obsessed with Pink and wanted Grandma to make you a pink cake. And you never let her forget it. You were certain from the day I asked, and every time I checked after that, that you wanted Barbies, books, clothes and a fish that you wanted to name "Fish Food." (You got them.)

You LOVED your birthday this year. I loved seeing your face light up over your presents and all the people who came to celebrate with you. You are certain you are a princess and I'm inclined to agree. Princesses are all the rage in our house now.



Other things you love and have discovered this year are Elmo (still), Dora (ugh), everything princesses, sidewalk chalk, pedaling your bike, hopping, jumping, skipping, Tangled (the first Disney movie you fell in love with), picking out clothes and dressing yourself, going to the dentist (you keep asking to go back), pulling weeds (playing in the dirt), dress-up, your play-kitchen, barbies, books, music and your friends.


It's often hard for me to watch you grow up. I frequently ask you if you could stay little forever. Always the sweet one, you tell me "yes". I know that I can't keep you here forever though. So I write these letters to you to tell you how much I love you and to remember the moments when you were small and adorable (most of the time). Maybe someday you will read them and understand the blessing you are in my life. I hope you always know how much I LOVE to be your Mom. It is the best job ever!

Love,

Mama

32, Mothers, and The Shots

The title is a perfect example of how I'm feeling lately. It seems that the minute the weather starts to warm up, we are busy little bees. For instance, every day for the next 11 days is planned. While this is certainly helping the time fly by, it is also making me tired. I spend any extra time resting with my feet up to try to keep the swelling down. Instead I would like to be finishing Zoe's room, cleaning my house, running errands, finishing projects...you get the idea. Anyhow, that is my excuse- yes I know I'm full of those- for not posting until now. And on to the update:
I am 32 weeks...which means I have roughly 7 and a half weeks left until my due date...which is not very long and yet is an eternity. Zoe is almost 4 pounds- and I can feel her weight starting to take it's toll on my back, my bones and my energy level. She's still kicking around in there fairly often...many times torturing my poor ribs. I have been having small contractions a bit more often...but no worries. I am starting to feel more out of breath and get heartburn after nearly everything I eat. I have another doctor's appointment on Wednesday.
Mother's Day was really fun for me. Love got me an hour long pregnancy massage...something I've been wanting for a bit. Now I just have to decide when to get it. :) My Mom, my sister, both Grandma's and my Aunt made it a point to tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and it meant a lot to me. I got to speak with many of the mothers in my life and spent the afternoon with Love's family for dinner. Overall it was a great day. Last year Mother's Day was a bit painful for me, so I shared my thoughts about my own Mother. This year Mother's Day was filled with hope and excitement for what is to come. I love these feelings.
Today I had another appointment with the Diabetes people and it didn't go so well. I feel confused. My doctor tells me I don't have diabetes, my numbers (blood sugar levels) tell me I do. When I went in today I wasn't sure what to expect. They are worried that my numbers are getting higher and decided to put me on a small dose of insulin and I, once again, have to test my sugars 7 times a day. I hate to admit it, but I have cheated a few times as far as the amount of carbs I have and haven't been exercising the last couple of weeks. I was emotional about the whole thing for several reasons:
1. I'm pregnant and am therefore emotional about everything.
2. I feel like it's my fault because I haven't been doing EVERYTHING I can to stay within range.
3. I breathed a sigh of relief when my OB/GYN said I didn't have gestational diabetes, but still knew I wasn't normal and today made me realize I really do have it.
4. I hate needles. Pricking myself has been bad enough, now I have to give myself a shot once a day.
I am just tired. I want this pregnancy to be over so I know she's here and she's safe and my body can return to a state of normalcy. In the meantime, I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions and trying to find the will to do better.

Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day, for me, was filled with hope and excitement that I would soon be a mother. Now, the thought of today brings little twinges of pain to my heart. Instead of focusing on the pain, I want to tell you all a bit about MY mother.
My Mom is my best friend. I can't tell you how many fights and disagreements we had before we got to the "friend" point, but now that we're here, I am so very grateful. I am thankful that I can call her up and tell her about everything going on in my life and she'll listen and offer advice as needed. My Mother is a beacon of light to those around her. She is a guide to those who want to follow her example. She is such an amazingly GOOD person, and is loved my so many, but mostly by her children.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful childhood. I had a mother who wasn't afraid to get down on the floor and play with us. She was never afraid to be silly with us- even in public. She was never too busy to listen to what we had to say, and could understand our words even if all 5 of us spoke at once. She loved to teach us to do things. She was a real handywoman. It was not uncommon to come home and find her building a wall, repairing something, or taking on a new task most women would make their husbands do. She was always busy cooking, keeping the house, running us all over town, and tackling literal MOUNTAINS of laundry, but I always remember when I needed her, she was there.
She taught me to be self reliant. To figure things out on my own. She wanted us to be strong and to know how to do lots of different things, be it cooking, sewing, building, repairing walls, cleaning- her idea of clean not ours :)- grooming, or being selfless/ kind to others. Yet, she knew the world would continue to grow worse and taught us to have strong morals and values, but to never judge others. She knew we would have hard times in life and taught us to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer when we couldn't do it alone.
She is strong. She has been through many hard times. We lost our baby sister three hours after birth several years ago. It was hard for us kids, but I can only imagine the loss my Mother and Father felt that day, and even now. I haven't had the chance to experience pregnancy, yet, but I know that the connection between mother and baby is strong during those nine months and the love is instantaneous. My mother's heart broke that day, and she had a long period of time where she felt nothing but heartache. To see her come out of it, or to just try and be strong enough for us kids, taught me that I can get through anything. That it's ok to cry sometimes. It's ok to grieve sometimes. It's ok to let go sometimes...
She is an AMAZING woman. She is beautiful and kind, tender and loving, strong and determined. She is shy, but has never hesitated to speak out to protect her children or her values. She does not have a "career", but fulfills the work of raising her children well and passing on her talents and helping develp ours. She is a supportive wife and mother, constantly giving of herself without losing the amazing person that she is. She taught us a love for music and art, something that I cherish to this day. She did and still does all of this, her only compensation being the love of her family- I hope we can give back enough.
Today, on Mother's Day, I want to tell her THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with my rebellious years, thank you for brushing off those terrible things I said to you, thank you for seeing through my hard shell and finding the soft parts of my soul. Thank you for loving me no matter what, for being the kind of mom they write books about. Thank you for being you. Thank you for finding spaces of time in your very busy life even now to talk to me. Thank you for loving my Husband as your son, and for praying for us through both the good and hard times. Thank you for the mother you will always be for me and the mother that you are to my siblings. I know that when I have kids, you will have so much still to teach them, and so much wisdom in motherhood to pass on to me- yes, I will be calling. Thank you Mommy, for everything. I love you!
To all those women who are mothers, who will be mothers, who want desperately to be mothers, to the aunts and grandmothers, to the fathers who are mothers too, to you young girls that will be mothers someday, Happy Mothers Day!