Five Minute Friday: Rest

I'm very happy to say, and this has nothing to do with this post, that I have been very good with my workouts this week. Feeling accomplished.

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)
Today's prompt is: Rest

Go.

I have a hard time resting. My mind goes a million miles an hour ALL THE TIME. Ask Matt. A question he often poses to me: "Does your mind EVER turn off?" My answer is always "no".
Recently, I have started to notice that my kids are exhibiting behaviors that they only display when I'm too busy. I don't like that I am making them feel like I'm too busy to do fun things.

I have a really hard time letting go of the fact that my work is never done. Often I feel that if I could just get one day where I don't have to work or care for my kids I could finally get it all done. But I know that is silly because, in truth, "GETTING IT ALL DONE" is impossible. No matter how much I accomplished in that one day, there would always be more.

What this has all lead me to believe is that, perhaps, I just need to pick the most important things I have on my "To Do" list each day, get them done, and spend the rest of my time playing with my kids. OR, spending a few moments with myself doing some purposeful resting. Letting my mind and body recharge. Shall we say find a balance? Guess I have something to work on.

Stop.

Do you give yourself time to rest? Tell me how! Or how you plan to!

Returning Sheepishly

I know it's been a long silence. I'm happy to report that I'm better...things are better. The troubles are not over, but they have settled for now...enough that I can think of other things. I'm not trying to be cryptic, it's just private. Anyhow, I decided it's high time I get back to writing.

Recently, I started working from home. The first week was extremely overwhelming. I often found myself wondering why I thought it would be a good idea. Suddenly Zoe's naps, that had formerly been my time, became work time and all my rest and house cleaning went out the window. Well, ok, maybe not out the window. If you asked Love he'd say it was pretty clearly strewn about the house...but you get my drift. After the first week I figured out that I could accomplish things when Zoe was awake and still make time to play with her and be attentive, I could ask Love for some "Me time" when he got home, and I could do this. Why? I am now (except for one day a week) a "stay-at-home" Mom. This is something you all know I've been wanting since Zoe was born. It's not quite what I thought it would be, but it is what it is and I couldn't be happier to be home with my sweet baby girl.

Speaking of my sweet baby girl...she is about to be one. You don't have to remind me that I've been a total slacker and haven't posted a monthly update in ages. I promise it's coming. Right now I'm super busy working and trying to soak up the last two weeks of her first year of life. I find myself tearing up some days at the thought of how fast and how much she's grown. Yet I'm so proud to be her Mother...to see her day to day accomplishments...to make her laugh...comfort her sadness...and cheer her on. I'm also trying to plan a little family/ close friends party. This is not as easy as one might think. Any advice on this subject is welcome.

I'm looking forward to a few things. My Sis and her Husband are coming up to visit us on the 4th of July weekend! My Brother is going on a mission to Carlsbad, CA in a little over a month- he got his mission call when I was home for my Little Sis's wedding. I get to go home in a little less than a month to see my family. I'm not thrilled that he'll be gone for two years because I'm really going to miss him...but he's doing an amazing thing and I'm so proud of him.

I know it's not a thorough update, but it's late and I need to hit the sack so I can start again tomorrow. More to come...and thanks for sticking around. Your comments meant a lot to me.

And just because I know a couple people who are dying to see her...an updated picture of Zoe to swoon over. :)

And the floodgates open...

Have you ever had a time when a thousand thoughts are running through your head and you can't even begin to organize them? I have so many things I want to accomplish this year that I constantly find myself planning. I'm even planning things that might not even happen- counting my chickens before they hatch, as they say- which is really not such a good thing. For example, Love should be up for a promotion in a couple months and so I sat down and figured out how much I could cut my hours or if I could quit and us make it. I'm constantly coming up with fantastic strategies for how I can quit, or how we'll pay off all our debt- you know the "If I had a million dollars" plan- or "Love you have to make this much and we'll be debt free". Poor guy is probably so tired of hearing my fantasy possibilities of quitting. Why is this so frontal in my head? Well, Zoe hasn't been doing very well with at my sister-in-law's house lately. I'm certain it's nothing either of them are or aren't doing...she is just fussy all day...which is hard for both of them. It's hard for me to worry about the stress that both of them are going through every day because of it. I hope that it's a temporary thing. Truthfully between sickness, days off, and the holidays the routine could have a hard time sticking. But if it's not, what do I do? It's not fair to either of them to have days like that every week forever! Anyway, because of this I just wish I could be home with her...make it easier on everyone. I feel bad saying this because Love works so hard and his goal is to get me there. I guess I'm just getting impatient. On top of that I feel like I can never catch up with the housework. It seems like the second I finish one thing, another needs to be done. By the time I finish everything it's time to start over again. Moving out here has been a blessing because we finally have a house, but the commute has drastically cut into my functional hours and taken blessed time away from Zoe and I. I guess it's just something I have to deal with. This is my life now and I should take it and be happy. But it's really hard sometimes. It's also hard to only have one car. That involves daily planning all by itself. Not to mention the fact that I have all these decorating ideas for my house and no money to put them into effect...not that I would have time to decorate anyway. The shelves I bought two weeks ago are still sitting on the living room table. There are so many more things that I just don't want to get into here. Everything going on in my head makes me just want to escape to a deserted island and live on coconuts and lay on the beach all day...another fantasy. In the end, I guess I just needed to complain. I'm sure things will be fine...we'll all eventually get used to this change...hard as it may be. Thanks for listening.

2008

I found this on Back to Me and decided to fill it out here. So, here goes:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Got in a serious car accident where our vehicle was totaled...while pregnant, lived with Gestational Diabetes, gave birth, learned to breastfeed, became a Mother, learned to love someone more than I ever though possible in an instant, learned (and still learning) to juggle motherhood, being a wife, being a housekeeper, working, and commuting, bought a house and probably several other things. This year has been full of newness.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Honestly, I don't really remember my new year's resolutions...or if I made any. I will be making some for 2009.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Several people I know. Especially my two best friends, and my two sisters-in-law.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Unfortunately my Grandfather, on my Mom's side, passed away on December 24th.

5. What countries did you visit? None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Enough money that I can stay at home with Zoe.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 8th- the day of the pregnant car crash, June 30th- the day Zoe was born, August 25th- the day I had to go back to work...the hardest day of my life to date, November 3rd- the day we signed papers for the house, November 8th- our first night in the house, and December 24th- the day my beloved Grandpa passed away.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a Mom and surviving all the changes.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not speaking up sooner about what motherhood had done to my identity, not asking for help sooner, and not ever finding equipoise- a state of balance.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I suffered minor injuries in our car crash in January. As far as illnesses I had gestational diabetes- is that considered an illness?- and a urinary tract infection...and some colds here and there. Fairly healthy year though, I guess.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My house.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My Mom's. I don't know how I could have possibly made it through the year without her. Also, my Dad and Grandmother helped us purchase our house. My husband's family and their willingness to help care for my daughter. My Boss for being so great about all the changes this year. Actually a lot of people were pretty awesome this year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A minimal few whom I do not want to name or discuss here.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Mostly hospital bills this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The day I held my healthy baby girl in my arms and watching her learn, grow, and develop. She is the light of my life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry because of all the controversy.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. The holidays were rough for our family this year. Last year I was pregnant and hopeful for the year to come.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner...but only slightly...I was about 14 weeks pregnant then.
c) richer or poorer? Much poorer. I cut my hours after coming back from Maternity Leave and also we have more debt now...working on that. But you know what? It's totally worth it!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Sleep.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worry/stress

20. How did you spend Christmas? We had Love's Sister and his Parents over on Christmas Eve and Love cooked a delicious dinner all by himself. Christmas morning Zoe opened presents with us and her Grandparents, we saw "Marley & Me" in theaters, then spent the rest of Christmas Day with Love's family. We spent the night at his parent's house because the snow was so bad.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Well, I'm constantly falling in love with Matt for various reasons. This year there were many as I watched him become a Father. Also I fell in love with Zoe...more than I ever thought possible.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Heroes

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I try really hard to never hate anyone. In fact, I have a very hard time holding a grudge. I find it easier on my soul to let things go.

24. What was the best book you read? "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. That book changed my life.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? That Zoe likes it when I sing. :) Just kidding, I am so stuck on her! No, this year I discovered Paramore and Ingrid Michaelson. There are probably more but those are my favorites.

26. What did you want and get? A beautiful, perfect, healthy baby.

27. What did you want and not get? To be a stay-at-home Mom.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Dark Knight

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26. I slept in, went to church, spent the evening with family, ate homemade chicken noodle soup, and received very thoughtful gifts from Love.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More time for myself- to do things that I enjoy, to work out, to play the flute or piano or sing, to go swing dancing...anything really.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Something comfortable with an expanding waistband for the first half of the year. Anything that fits, that I can wear to work, the second half of the year.

32. What kept you sane? An incredibly helpful and patient Husband/Father.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It's usually Angelina Jolie...and nothing's changed.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The economy.

35. Who did you miss? My friends. I have some that live far away that I miss all the time, some that I lost due to changes in our (or their) lives, and some that I just don't get to see as much as I used to. I also really missed my family way more than usual after Zoe was born. I hate that they don't get to be around her all the time.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Zoe

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I learned to find a way to enjoy your life no matter what. It passes too quickly to live in the past. Things will happen the way that they are intended to happen...not necessarily on your time. In the end you'll understand why so don't worry about that now. I will apply what I learned in 2009.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is our fate- Jason Mraz

My year has been full of the new. New people, new experiences, new love, new places, new discoveries, new learning experiences. I feel like I've lived in a whirlwind the whole year. In 2009 I hope to gain my footing again. I hope to find time to do more things I enjoy, get in better shape, be an amazing wife and mother, find a way to stay home with Zoe, and try to live more in the moment instead of putting things off. I hope to find equipoise in 2009. Care to join me?

Tomorrow night Love and I will be writing down our New Year's resolutions and I will post them here. I will also be posting Zoe's 6 month letter soon. Happy New Year!!!

Struggling

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write if he is ultimately to be at peace with himself. What one can be, one must be."
- Abraham Maslow

I believe in this quote wholeheartedly, but I have been struggling with it quite a bit lately. I know we're meant to work hard in this life. I know that thousands of people work everyday in a job that means nothing but money to them. Are we supposed to spend the majority of our lives doing something that means nothing to us? How do I do what I love AND pay the bills? How do I find time to do both? What do you think? How do you accomplish this?

The Week From...

What a crazy week it's been! I have so much going on right now. I'm being pulled in ten different directions and I have no idea where to start. Right now my focus is finishing plans for my sister's Bridal Shower. It has been very stressful lately and I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I keep taking notes and making plans and depositing them everywhere. I decided it's high time I buy a day planner before I am buried in post-it notes. It's going to be big, 100 people were sent invitations and I'm an inexperienced party planner...any advice for the stress bucket? (I promise to post pictures of the event once I finish everything.)
Here's a breakdown of last week:
* Last Wednesday our good friends came up from Las Vegas to stay with us for our mutual friends' wedding. I had spent the previous 3 days working 10 hour shifts and I was exhausted. We were excited to have them so we stayed up way to late talking. I woke up too early Thursday and went to work my last four hours of a very long work week. After my shift we went to the Salt Lake Temple to be there after the wedding. They came out looking ecstatic and gorgeous and it was a whirlwind of congrats and pictures. The heat got to us after a while so we left and ran errands. Their luncheon was later that afternoon and we were running late. Then we got stuck in traffic on the way there and ended up being an hour late. We were so embarrassed our stomachs were churning as we walked in the doors. We were welcomed promptly and the churning stopped. It ended up being a fun, but very long day.
* Friday we took the day off to spend time with our friends. We were all tired and lazy from the previous day- not to mention the fact that our men went golfing at the crack of dawn and were exhausted the rest of the day. Since we couldn't get them up and moving us wives decided to get ready for the day. (We had been waiting because we were SUPPOSED to go swimming. Oh well.) We had planned to go out for sushi but, when we got to the restaurant, the baby wasn't having a good night so we left. The boys had pizza at home with baby and the girls went out to O1ive Garden for a night away.
* Saturday I returned a surprise phone call from my best friend, love squalor, saying she was in town!!! We made the short trip down to Orem and crashed her family reunion. We had a couple hours of catching up and had to be on our way back home for dinner with a group of friends. It was so great to see her and precious Esme. I hope I get to see them again when I'm in New Mexico next week for the shower.
* Sunday was a hard day. I have a sister, Shaina Rose, who died on July 1st, 1994 three hours after coming into this world. She was born with a condition called Trisomy 18, which basically means she was missing her 18th chromosome. Without it she was premature, her hands and feet curled in, and her diaphragm never developed. With no diaphragm her right lung never developed and she couldn't breathe. I was 11 years old when she came in and out of our lives. Thirteen years later I carry on a tradition my family started of writing her a message on a balloon and releasing it into the sky. Love has been kind and supportive of this every year. For some reason, her birthday hit me hard this year. I am not certain why, maybe because I so desperately want a baby of my own and, for a second, the thought of the loss my Mother must have felt that day hit me. Our lesson at church was focused on loss...not just loss of a loved one, but loss of anything. I believe all couples desperate for a baby know the feeling of loss you experience every month you don't conceive. I felt that loss very strongly on Sunday. After church we went to my sister-in-law's house for family dinner. I have mentioned my other sister-in-law before. She and I have been trying for almost the same amount of time. Her doctor put her on Clom1d and she announced her pregnancy on Sunday afternoon. As happy as I was for them and for the hope it brought me that it might actually happen for me, I was already very emotional and tried very hard not to burst into tears. After much hemming and hawing- because I was trying to hide my glassy eyes and red face- I finally went up and gave her a hug and told her how happy I was for her. The tears flowed promptly and she- being the wonderful sister she is and having experienced the same feelings I had- cried too. We stood there and held each other for a while. She admitted to being worried about telling me. I hope she truly does understand that I am ecstatic for them...just a little sad for me.
*Monday and Tuesday flew by, I worked and hung out with friends. Tuesday night we went to the annual family barbecue and watched a decent fireworks show. Wednesday it was time for our friends to leave. They packed up their car, we hugged them goodbye and walked back into our empty house. It was sad to see them leave. We really enjoyed having them here so long and remembered how much we miss them living here. I will admit that it was nice to get back to my routine...we all know I am structure and routine oriented...
*Thursday felt like another Monday. Having a holiday in the middle of the week really threw me off! After a long day at work I went to Love's softball game. After the game we invited ourselves over to the newlywed's house to see their place and hang out for a bit. They ended up making us the best spaghetti we've ever had and we left too late for me to write last night.
So that's it. After looking it over, I'm afraid I might have bored you all to death. Sorry. At least you're updated now...

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Today I am smiling after, what I like to call, my “sad day” yesterday. Have you ever awakened and just felt like you were on the verge of tears? Like your nerves are shot, your motivation is gone, and if anyone asks you about it hot tears immediately roll down your cheeks? Well, every so often I have one of those days. “Sad days” are hard to explain to other people- mostly because I usually don’t have any good reason to be sad. Perhaps if I was able to reach way down into my subconscious, I might have figured out why I felt so terrible. Unfortunately, the subconscious is difficult to find unless you know how to hypnotize yourself…

To make matters worse, we had impromptu interviews with our Manager at work yesterday to discuss our progress. Unfortunately, my progress this month is far less than phenomenal. So, of course, I had glistening eyes as I brought up some of the weaknesses and trials I had experienced during the past month. As we discussed what I could try to change to overcome my problems I tried to hide my glassy eyes behind my bangs , thinking it was working pretty well, until he asked me if I had some “stuff” going on. I could feel the tears welling up as I said- in the least undulating voice I could manage- “I’m just having a hard time today.” Can I just say how much I HATE to cry in front of people?

A little background into this man will help a little here: he is always nice, but never reveals anything about himself to us…and we don’t reveal anything to him. I’m not sure he doesn’t want to know, but he’s never been very approachable and I often get the feeling that he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t check on us, we are left to our own motivation and structure in our workday. So, I was a little more than surprised when he told me he knew how I felt, and if I needed a day off, or if there was anything he could do, to let him know. I tried to hide the shock in my face- which, thankfully, had masked the redness that accompanies my tears- thanked him and went back to my cubicle. Once there, I let the tears fall freely, feeling safe in my three little walls.

A few hours later my life-saver friend decided we all needed to go to lunch for her 8 year (wow) anniversary working there. How did she know I needed a break yesterday? It was so nice to get out, eat and laugh. From there, my day got a little better. I was nearly myself by the time I arrived home. I awoke this morning feeling normal- not ecstatic to leave my cozy bed, but normal, with no leaky faucets to be found. So, I hope everyone has a reason to smile today. After all, it is Friday, and the weather is perfect!