Be Yourself?

I was thinking about people.  I have a hard time when I meet people because I don't know how to navigate that stretch of time between all the initial information (name, job, life, etc) to when they allow me to really know them.  It's that acquaintance phase of friendship that is difficult for me.  I don't know how to act, or how much to share, or if someone wants to be friends or if they think I'm ridiculous.  Perhaps I just over analyze things too much.   

I am a pretty open person, yet I keep some things close to my heart until I feel safe enough to let people in.  I think everyone does this to some extent, and certainly some more than others.  We fear people seeing us just as we are.  That they might not like what they see.  It's that fear in us that makes us apologize to company when the house is a mess.  Or for how we look, what we say.  Deep within us lies an innate need to feel accepted.  To be truly seen and not judged.  There is a great amount of peace when a relationship reaches a point where you can truly be yourself without fear of rejection.  Sadly, these types of relationships are rare finds.

I came across this photo online today.  I thought it was so beautiful.  What if we could read the story of each person we meet?  How amazing would it be to have the instant ability to know another person's heart?  How many more friendships would we cultivate and how quickly would acceptance occur?  Instead of peeling back layers over time, we could cut right through to the core of someone.  So many of us hide our sorrow, our dark moments.  We all have pasts that hold our many mistakes.  No one has led a perfect life.  Yet we hesitate to share those dark moments with each other even though they are often the moments that shaped us the most.

Even our present moments are kept behind closed doors.  We don't want the neighbors to know that we can't keep a pristine house, or see that life has thrown us a huge curve ball and we have been in the same clothes for three days.  We don't want to be seen without make-up, or in our pajamas.  We apologize for our messy cars and our disorganized minds.  I once turned down some help I truly needed because I was too afraid to let someone into my mess.  By now you would think that we would all realize that perfection is as unattainable as unassisted flight. 

Over the years I have worked to fight off my tendency to hide who I really am.  I lived in the story that I am a perfectionist for so long that I was almost in denial that having kids had made my "perfect" tendencies almost impossible to actually live.  I have learned that the more I let people see me as I am, the more comfortable they are being themselves.  I have seen firsthand the relief in the eyes of someone when I claim or relate to their similar troubles.  Yet I still have a hard time trusting that the real me won't be shunned. 

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”
― Wendy Mass, The Candymakers

I love this quote.  I see it often on social media and it is an excellent message.  Wouldn't it be even better, though, to let people into our battles so they can help?  In this age of virtual reality it is so easy to connect to people across the world.  But I fear that this kind of connection will never be a real one as we all tend to only show our best selves in the virtual world.  I am not suggesting that we air our dirty laundry to the world, but perhaps if a neighbor came over and saw that I had piles of dirty laundry, they might feel less worried about their own piles, right?

Since I work from home and I like my own company, I tend to abuse social media and forget to go see people in real life.  Yet it is those solid and real connections that I crave.  I want nothing more than to have friends within walking distance who will just show up at my house anytime and vice-versa.  I love to talk real life with people and share worries, joys, burdens and accomplishments.  I like to truly know people and be trusted with their hearts.  It's just that long acquaintance step I wish we could skip.  So, if I am awkward when I meet you, just know I am testing the waters.  Throw me a rope in the form of something real about yourself and I will gladly grab on.

Does anyone else experience this?  I wonder if more outgoing people feel differently than me?  What do you wish people knew about you? 

Five Minute Friday: In Real Life

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: In real life...

Go.

I like to pretend that the perfectionist in my head is the actual person who writes this blog.  I would like people to think that I keep my house perfectly and my children behave perfectly all the time and that I never lose my cool.  I would like people to think that my remarriage is going swimmingly and that we never have problems.  I would like people to think that I'm still as skinny as I was a few months ago.  I would like to think this, but I know it's not true.  I try to be honest on this blog, so I hope none of you think any of those things.

In real life, I am a perfectionist, but my busy life of working from home, motherhood, marriage and everything else on my plate doesn't allow for perfectionism.  That is as it should be.  Does it still plague me that my baseboards need to be wiped and my oven needs to be cleaned, of course!  But most days I'm happy just to get a shower in. 

My children are crazy little monsters, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for anything.  They can be sweet and loving and lovable...but they can also be screaming balls of fire and brimstone and I often lose my cool.  We do a lot of apologizing in our house.

My marriage is going fine.  We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we have our past issues added to that and they are hard to overcome sometimes.  But we love each other enough to keep working at it everyday, keep going on dates to reconnect, and keep being honest.

I've gained back 2/3 of the weight I lost during my divorce and am almost back to where I was after Paige was born.  I'm working on it, but it bothers me so I don't write on it much.

So, as you can see, in real life, though I am ALWAYS working to balance things, and working to be better, my life is just like yours, a little messy.  And that's OK.  Real life is a little messy.

Stop.

Tell me something real about you and/or your life!  (Also, if you have not yet, please click one of those buttons up there and find a way to follow me.)  :)

Five Minute Friday: Older

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: Older

Go.

As I hit the latter part of my twenties I am starting to feel the effects of getting older. Starting to notice that I have a little more trouble losing weight than I used to. Starting to notice fine lines and wrinkles around my eyes. Finding a white hair.

I do fear getting older physically. I have a lot of worries about how my body will carry me through the years. Will I get diabetes since I am at risk from having gestational diabetes? Will I have issues with memory in my late age? Will I be able to run and play with my children and their children? Will my joints or my insides cause me issues?

However, the older I get the more I notice my excitement for growth. My age carries with it a lot more wisdom than my younger self. I have been through a lot of things. My young adult years, my marriage, infertility, parenthood, divorce, remarriage. I have gained so much from all those different times.

I feel like an experienced mother. People come to me for parenting advice sometimes! As a young woman I thought kids were annoying and had trouble imagining myself as a Mother. Now I would never trade my two little gifts for anything.

I have learned a lot about me. What I love and hate about myself. What I can change and can't change.

I think the greatest thing about getting older is looking forward to everything I have to learn, everything I have to gain, and all the joys, and yes even the trials that I have to overcome. I have learned that I can handle no matter what comes my way. I know that God will not put anything in my path that he doesn't think I am capable of. I know I will spend this life looking for ways to be a better person, a better Mother, a better wife, a better friend and especially finding ways to become closer to God.

So, even with all the fears I have of the physical part of getting older, I know I am here to learn. And that is what I intend to do.

Stop.

Just Love Them

Since getting to New Mexico we have been staying with my sister, Nell, and her husband, Chad. I have really enjoyed the time with her! My sister's house is beautifully decorated. In other words, so not baby proof!

My girls have simultaneously loved and had a hard time here. We are all sharing one room, they can't touch "anything", Mommy didn't bring very many toys, and there's no place to play outside. On the other hand, Aunt Nell spoils them, they have free reign of our childhood barbie collection, they get lots of attention, and surprisingly they've done fairly well here.

On the other hand, their schedule has been thrown off so they aren't always getting enough sleep. (What is it about changing your environment that you can't seem to function quite right? Or is it just me?) Unfortunately, lack of sleep has led to clingy girls, attention hogging, whining, crying and temper tantrums. While these things are usually part of our day, it's not usually to this extent. Being the only parent here (Matt is still in Utah until Sunday) has been very taxing.

I have spent most of my days here frustrated with my girls. It's exhausting to constantly be clinged to, whined at, screamed at, and disrespected. Sometimes I almost want to cry when they get like this. My patience well is running so low I am actually feeling happy I have to work 8 hours today so I can get a break.

While all of this is quite a normal cycle in the life of a parent with young children, I started thinking tonight of the bigger picture.

I am here in New Mexico to support my younger sister, Kristin, and her husband, Cameron, as they were thrust into parenthood much earlier than expected. I've watched them brave the storm of the first few days when we weren't even sure their baby, Isabella, was going to make it. I've watched as each time they were faced with hard procedures or a difficult prognosis. I've watched as they got snippets of good news. I've watched as they fought and never gave up hope. They stayed strong and brave through all of it.


In the last few days things have really looked up. They finally got to hold their precious, tiny miracle, bathe her, feed her (through a feeding tube) and begin to look towards a future of taking her home.
I watched their weathered faces gradually brighten with hope and love and happiness in a situation that is still precarious, but stable for now. They love her with everything they have, want the very best for her, want her to be happy. Mostly, they are grateful every day that she is alive and here with them.

This is parenting at it's best.

And it took me back to the first time I held Zoe and Paige. It reminded me of all the promises I made to myself and to them in those first moments of parenthood. Especially the first time around when you go into it completely blind and find that parenting is all about learning as you go. When you think you won't make the same mistakes your parents, friends, and neighbors did.

People try to tell you how hard parenting can be. I've often said myself that parenting is the most frustrating, yet most rewarding thing I've ever done. Yet no one told me, and no one really could have put it into words, the day-to-day frustrations of parenting. Especially how it builds up.
When your kids are being difficult, it is sometimes hard to remember the pure joy of those first moments. It's hard to remember to find joy in the every day moments with them. It's hard to appreciate the sweet moments on the days where they are far and few between.

While I've been busy feeling frustrated with my children, Cameron and Kristin are grateful for another day with theirs. While I get annoyed with how clingy my girls are, they waited for days just to be able to hold Isabella. While I get tired of the whining, they are giddy over every movement and noise.

While I contemplated this, I thought to myself, "These are your most precious blessings! Your job is to love them, care for them, teach them and support them. NO MATTER WHAT!" Instantly I felt like I needed to reevaluate myself as a parent. Zoe and Paige are kids. They are allowed to be roller coasters of emotion. It is my job to be their solid ground, their cheerleader, and their teacher. Mostly I just need to show them as much love as I possibly can.

I love being Zoe and Paige's Mom. I am grateful for my girls. I do feel blessed to have them in my life. What needs to change is I need to show them that I feel this way. Show them my joy more and my frustration less. Use my calm voice more and my loud one less. Be more gentle and kind and patient (even when it seems impossible) so they will learn to be more gentle and kind and patient. I want to remember this time in our lives as a happy time and not a frustrated time.

The only way I know how to do this is to make the commitment today and make the better choice at every opportunity. I know I won't be perfect at it. But if I can do better every day, then we will be happier.

I knew the second I met her that Isabella would be an inspiration in my family. I knew she would have a lot to teach us. I didn't realized it would happen so quickly. Or that my little sister could be such an example to me. Your prayers and good thoughts for my family and for Isabella continue to be appreciated.

What challenges do you face in your life? Have you ever had an epiphany that made you want to change things? Leave me a comment! I love to hear from you.

Five Minute Friday: Loss

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Go.

I have lost several people in my life. I lost my sister three hours into her life at age 12. I lost both my Grandfathers in the same year. But the hardest loss I have EVER had to deal with was the (now temporary) loss of my husband.

I am finally ready to talk about what I went through. I choose to do it here where I can do it once, and quickly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

The loss of the person you were supposed to spend your life with is the worst thing I have felt or could ever imagine. It is a physical, emotional, mental, draining loss. A loss that make you unable to breathe. A loss that makes you want to puke. A loss that doesn't let you eat. A loss that causes you to drop 30 pounds in a month.

It is a loss that makes you cry until there are no tears left. A loss that keeps you dry sobbing when the tears are gone.

It is a loss of the future. Of all your plans. A place of chopped up memories.

It is the inability to answer the questions of your little ones who don't understand the complexities of life. Just that they want their Dad to be at home where he has always been.

It is the inability to know what to do with seven years of memories in picture and memento form that you shoved in a box "for now".

It is the kind of loss that makes you feel like if they had died it would have been slightly easier. Just because you know they left you without choice and left loving you.

It is a loss that makes you feel small and unwanted and not enough. A loss that is often filled with too many unanswered questions.

A loss that feels too great to bear as you care for two small children. Knowing if your children weren't there to care for you probably wouldn't bother moving from your bed.

It is sleeping, eating, breathing, dreaming thoughts of one person. It is dreams of reunion and waking to an empty bed and instant tears.

It is the worst thing that has EVER happened to me. And now it is over.

I am grateful for this loss. For the strength it gave me and for everything I learned. Because, in the end, what we found was love and forgiveness. And that is all we need.

Stop.

Ok, so I wasn't able to stop in five minutes. The Gypsy Mama herself didn't today so I hope that's ok for me too. Not editing, just posting. Breathe...

Three Years

Dear Zoe,

Right now you are sleeping and I'm enjoying the stillness of the house. When you're awake, you are a bubbly, loud, high-pitched ball of fun...most of the time. I enjoy that part too. You have just entered your third year of life. Year two was a very big year for you.

Shortly after you turned two you became a big sister. You had a really hard time adjusting to sharing attention. Especially at the beginning when Paige needed so much of mine. It was an adjustment for me too. I missed being able to play with you almost any time you wanted. Getting just the two of us ready and out of the house. Going on walks together to the park or the library. Being able to just focus on you.


Paige came and all of that changed. Not because I love her more, just because adding someone else to the family is both difficult and wonderful. Also, babies are hard. They are cute and snugly and you love them and kiss their cheeks, but they don't let you sleep and they cry and want to eat all the time. I think we're finally starting to get the hang of it. Mom is learning how to divide her time between the two of you. And you are starting to play with your sister a bit more.

Curiously, you have a difficult time being "gentle" with her. I'm certain you just want to play with her, but it's hard for Mom to get you to understand that she's little. You're getting better though. You are sweet. You are constantly watching out for her and letting us know if she needs something or is doing something dangerous. You love her so much. Every morning you come in and ask me, "Can we go get Paige?"


For a long time you would run into her room and shout, "Hip-pottomas!" Paige would grin and you would giggle. Now you just yell, "Good Morning!" You often share with her (though sometimes you don't) and you are my little helper. Always getting her toys to play with and even trying to feed her. Your favorite thing to do for Paige is make her laugh.

A couple months later, Dad moved out for a while and we ended up getting divorced and you learned to split households. This was hard on you. You asked Mom a lot of questions I didn't have answers for. You cried and were upset easily. You started coming into my room at night. You couldn't understand why Daddy wasn't home anymore.


You're too little to understand what happened. And part of you is still trying to feel secure now that things have mended. Still, I'm so proud of you for how your young self handled this. I get teary-eyed thinking of times I cried and you would come hand me bunny to make me feel better. You were so worried about me and I tried to put on a brave face for you, but failed so many times.

All you need to know for now is that Mom and Dad forgot how to love and trust each other. We forgot to be kind and forgiving. Now we know how grateful we are for each other. When you are older we will have a lot to teach you about love and commitment. For now, we promise we will be a forever family just like it was supposed to be.


This year you really came out of your shell. Where you were shy around most people before, you are now open and talkative. You wave and smile easily. You will talk to anyone who will listen. You love to sing and will sing anything from Twinkle to Michael Jackson to Adele. Music moves you. You enjoy dancing to a good beat and playing the piano.

You want to do everything "by myself, Mom". You are interested in the things I do and always want to help me cook or clean. You are becoming more and more independent every day. Sometimes I miss you needing me more. Occasionally you will still ask me to do things for you that I know you can do on your own. Or ask me to carry you. I'm grateful for these moments you give me to "baby" you. I know they will not go on for much longer.


You are beautiful and smart. You still love to read and you love to tell your own little stories. Often they start with, "When I was a Mommy" or "When I was 15" or "When I was a dog". I love to listen to your imagination being put to words. Or when you "read" and talk about what you picked up from books...or read them all the way through from memory. Your vocabulary amazes me. Often, people are surprised you are so young because you converse so well.

Sometimes, because of this, Mom forgets you are still young and tries to treat you like an adult. You put me in my place fairly quickly. We have a lot of "battles" thoughout the day. Your emotions are so big for such a little girl. We are working on putting names to how you're feeling and finding better ways to deal with them. Mom is working on holding her temper back.



See, even Moms and Dads make mistakes. We try hard to recognize them, apologize and correct them. I hope this teaches you that it's ok to make mistakes sometimes. As long as you learn from them and do what you can to fix any damage you caused.

Potty training was a good lesson in this. When you're a Mom, you will understand why Mom lost her temper a few times during this part of year two. Potty training is frustrating. For everyone. But you pulled through and Mom learned to keep her cool and now you are officially potty trained! Even at night. Mom and Dad are SO proud of you for learning this important skill!


You talked about your birthday for months before it ever happened. You are obsessed with Pink and wanted Grandma to make you a pink cake. And you never let her forget it. You were certain from the day I asked, and every time I checked after that, that you wanted Barbies, books, clothes and a fish that you wanted to name "Fish Food." (You got them.)

You LOVED your birthday this year. I loved seeing your face light up over your presents and all the people who came to celebrate with you. You are certain you are a princess and I'm inclined to agree. Princesses are all the rage in our house now.



Other things you love and have discovered this year are Elmo (still), Dora (ugh), everything princesses, sidewalk chalk, pedaling your bike, hopping, jumping, skipping, Tangled (the first Disney movie you fell in love with), picking out clothes and dressing yourself, going to the dentist (you keep asking to go back), pulling weeds (playing in the dirt), dress-up, your play-kitchen, barbies, books, music and your friends.


It's often hard for me to watch you grow up. I frequently ask you if you could stay little forever. Always the sweet one, you tell me "yes". I know that I can't keep you here forever though. So I write these letters to you to tell you how much I love you and to remember the moments when you were small and adorable (most of the time). Maybe someday you will read them and understand the blessing you are in my life. I hope you always know how much I LOVE to be your Mom. It is the best job ever!

Love,

Mama