"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

i am feeling...lost? no, that is not the right word...i am not lost, i am uncertain...about, well, everything. my mind is filled with questions. where am i going? what am i doing? what am i waiting for? why can't i just LIVE and let the pregnancy thing be? why am i SO FREAKIN FOCUSED on having a baby that i can't justify an early morning jog because i might hurt a potential pregnancy? what if i never become pregnant (heaven forbid) and i spend years living in limbo? what if i find myself five years down the road without a child in my arms, having gained 20 more pounds than the 30 i've put on the last few years? what if i'm still sitting on the couch channel surfing and watching my life drift slowly by as i wave it away like a fly? how can i keep justifying my laziness? so many questions and no easy answers. couple that with the fact that my body can't decide what it wants to do.

did you know i started bleeding last tuesday? ten days before i was supposed to? then i stopped on friday and not a drop since. what does that mean? am i pregnant? am i just freaking out? am i so damn stressed out that my body is signaling it's had enough? and how come i never noticed that my breast are tender near cycle day one before i started trying? why did it take me six months to figure that out so i didn't think it was a sign of pregnancy? how's a girl supposed to figure all this out on her own?

here's a thought. how about we take all the crack addicts that get pregnant and throw children away like trash...and place those babies in the wombs of the women who have good homes, who ache to hold their child in their arms? i am dizzy with the thoughts swimming around in my head. wondering how much longer i can hold it in. wondering what it's going to take to push me over the edge. what is going to break this calm i've been feeling? do you find it sad that i almost expect the bleeding to come? do you know how to break hope? do you know how to get it back?

i am uncertain about life, about where this path will lead me. i am uncertain whether we'll ever have enough money for a house, if we'll ever be out of debt. i am worried about my job, how much longer i can do it...what it will take for me to focus. i am hoping that Matt likes his new job and that it will take him far. far enough that i can quit working, be a stay at home mom like i've always wanted, do some of the things i truly love and never have time for...that is if i can just get over this hurdle mountain- that stands between me and motherhood. i would love any advice...any answers to my questions...anyone in my shoes.

Title is a quote by: John Wooden

I am...

* analytical about everything
* a little OCD
* shy and quiet towards people I don't know (who usually think I'm a snob because of it) :(
* quirky and bubbly to people I do know
* a musician, a writer (at least I try to be), and a book lover- who is struggling to master photography
* a wife (longing to be a mother), a daughter, grand daughter, sister, and neice (who misses NM, and her family
* anti-work (unless we didn't need the money and I could do something I love)
* a pretty decent cook, and obsessive housekeeper, but also terribly lazy
* a life-long friend
* a little self concious about my weight
* a good listener (so I've heard)
* impatient...about getting pregnant, having to wait for things, and resolving arguements
* me
Who are you?

Less Than Hopeful

I am feeling a little apprehensive. I do not know yet if I'm pregnant. I won't know until sometime between June 1st and June 4th. Why the 3 day range? I miscalculated CD1 as suspected. I thought had it all figured out until I took an ovulation test and discovered my LH surge was happening 3 days earlier than expected. Do you know what else this means? It means I did the HSG test on CD11 instead of during the CD7-CD10 window. I don't know if that's really bad or not, but it doesn't make me happy. All of this, along with the fact that my boobs hurt again (which means exactly nothing), leaves me feeling a bit like I've spun out of control. Being the control freak I am...well I'm sure you can imagine. These factors also leave me feeling like this isn't THE month...again. Well, I guess I kind of always feel like that...probably so I don't have to feel any emotion when it isn't.

Which brings me to my next cause of stress. If I am not pregnant this month, I have to decide between doing the test or the procedure- for which I am unsure if I have the money- or decide to try naturally for one to a few more months. Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I'm lost and my emotions are only leading me a thousand different directions. I didn't think it would be this hard to decide...but how do you make that leap from natural to assisted? I thought what I wanted was a solution...but the more I think about it, the more doubts and fears I have about jumping. I just wish, for once, that SOMETHING would be easy. I guess all I can do now is wait, and hope that either this is THE month, or that I will find peace with at least one option. I need your advice friends!

A Few Good Things

As I mentioned yesterday, the HSG test results came out normal. Now that the cramps have subsided, I can let myself be happy about the normal result. (Yay!) Where to next? I don't know, but I have the nurse working on it for me. Still feeling a little violated, there just something not right about having fluid forced (very painfully) through your fallopian tubes. The hard part is over and now I can hope that I'm part of that 15% of couples who get pregnant one to two months after this procedure.
Matt was wonderful to me the whole day. I felt just terrible and was curled up in bed/ on the couch most of the day. He went grocery shopping, brought me lunch, cleaned then entire house, did laundry and took great care of me through all of it. I just love him!
In non-baby news, Matt had a 3rd interview for a new job (and a great pay raise) this morning and he was offered the job!!!! I am ecstatic! Today is a wonderful day!
***Doctor just called and said that at this point, the only thing not normal was the viscosity (stickyness) of Love's little swimmers. Here are our options:
1) Get sample and do a sperm wash and and place the sperm into the uterus- called IUI- (we can do this up to 3 times)
2) Hamster egg penetration test- called a Sperm Penetration Assay or SPA- (yes I did a double take too). Basically they take a sperm sample and place it with hamster eggs to test how well (or if at all) the sperm penetrate the eggs. If they can't penetrate I guess they have a way of enhancing the sperm to help them out.
We can choose which test to do first. If any of you have had either of these procedures done, can you tell me about it? Either comment or send me an e-mail. (findingequipoise@gmail.com) I am concerned about cost, about pain, success rate, procedure, etc. Thank you!


I hate cramping! Expecially my cramping. I always feel nauseous and helpless and I can't find a good temperature. Cool air gives me chills, hot air makes me nauseous. That pretty much covers how I felt on the way home from my appointment this morning. (I couldn't help thinking, if this car ride feels this long now, what will it be like during labor?) SO glad I took the whole day off.
The test itself went exactly as I thought, though the radiologist didn't seem too concerned that my "whole world" was open for viewing to him and the nurse the whole time. I guess they don't feel the need to cover me up whenever possible... The good news is that everything looks perfectly normal. That news makes Monday not seem so bad. What makes Monday bad is all this cramping...I feel so strange. Oh well, things are normal and tomorrow is another day.

Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day, for me, was filled with hope and excitement that I would soon be a mother. Now, the thought of today brings little twinges of pain to my heart. Instead of focusing on the pain, I want to tell you all a bit about MY mother.
My Mom is my best friend. I can't tell you how many fights and disagreements we had before we got to the "friend" point, but now that we're here, I am so very grateful. I am thankful that I can call her up and tell her about everything going on in my life and she'll listen and offer advice as needed. My Mother is a beacon of light to those around her. She is a guide to those who want to follow her example. She is such an amazingly GOOD person, and is loved my so many, but mostly by her children.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful childhood. I had a mother who wasn't afraid to get down on the floor and play with us. She was never afraid to be silly with us- even in public. She was never too busy to listen to what we had to say, and could understand our words even if all 5 of us spoke at once. She loved to teach us to do things. She was a real handywoman. It was not uncommon to come home and find her building a wall, repairing something, or taking on a new task most women would make their husbands do. She was always busy cooking, keeping the house, running us all over town, and tackling literal MOUNTAINS of laundry, but I always remember when I needed her, she was there.
She taught me to be self reliant. To figure things out on my own. She wanted us to be strong and to know how to do lots of different things, be it cooking, sewing, building, repairing walls, cleaning- her idea of clean not ours :)- grooming, or being selfless/ kind to others. Yet, she knew the world would continue to grow worse and taught us to have strong morals and values, but to never judge others. She knew we would have hard times in life and taught us to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer when we couldn't do it alone.
She is strong. She has been through many hard times. We lost our baby sister three hours after birth several years ago. It was hard for us kids, but I can only imagine the loss my Mother and Father felt that day, and even now. I haven't had the chance to experience pregnancy, yet, but I know that the connection between mother and baby is strong during those nine months and the love is instantaneous. My mother's heart broke that day, and she had a long period of time where she felt nothing but heartache. To see her come out of it, or to just try and be strong enough for us kids, taught me that I can get through anything. That it's ok to cry sometimes. It's ok to grieve sometimes. It's ok to let go sometimes...
She is an AMAZING woman. She is beautiful and kind, tender and loving, strong and determined. She is shy, but has never hesitated to speak out to protect her children or her values. She does not have a "career", but fulfills the work of raising her children well and passing on her talents and helping develp ours. She is a supportive wife and mother, constantly giving of herself without losing the amazing person that she is. She taught us a love for music and art, something that I cherish to this day. She did and still does all of this, her only compensation being the love of her family- I hope we can give back enough.
Today, on Mother's Day, I want to tell her THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with my rebellious years, thank you for brushing off those terrible things I said to you, thank you for seeing through my hard shell and finding the soft parts of my soul. Thank you for loving me no matter what, for being the kind of mom they write books about. Thank you for being you. Thank you for finding spaces of time in your very busy life even now to talk to me. Thank you for loving my Husband as your son, and for praying for us through both the good and hard times. Thank you for the mother you will always be for me and the mother that you are to my siblings. I know that when I have kids, you will have so much still to teach them, and so much wisdom in motherhood to pass on to me- yes, I will be calling. Thank you Mommy, for everything. I love you!
To all those women who are mothers, who will be mothers, who want desperately to be mothers, to the aunts and grandmothers, to the fathers who are mothers too, to you young girls that will be mothers someday, Happy Mothers Day!

On The Calendar

O.K. I started (for sure this time) today. I know because my insides are seemingly, or quite literally, RIPPING out. I know I said I started friday, but I didn't really start until today. Are you confused? I am. My body is a trickster- and a cruel one at that- what can I say really??? I called the Doctor today, my HSG is scheduled for next monday, the 14th, at 10 am. (I took the whole day off.)


Thank you to those of you who left kind comments. I'll admit, I had one horrible Friday. I was just on edge and on the verge of tears the entire day. It was hard because I started 4 days early, but didn't really start. It kept going off and on and has been for 3 days now. At this point, I don't really know what to think. I'm certainly very tired of the cruel trick my body likes to play on me each month. I always have 5 or 6 days of guessing and second guessing until I finally know for sure. I think it would be a lot easier to just know, one way or the other. My emotions are better now- nicely walled up and locked away for another month. My only real worry at this point is I have to do the dye test now. (Called Hysterosalpingogram or HSG). I wasn't too worried before, but I have a sister-in-law that is going through the exact same thing as I am. In fact we are two weeks apart in our cycles. I am so thankful to have her there by my side going through the same things I am.

She had her HSG last week. In speaking with her about it, I found out that there is a significant amount of cramping afterward (I'm supposed to take Motrin before the test), Matt can't come into the room because they don't want to expose any one to radiation (?!?!?!) that doesn't need to be, and they have to do it within the cycle days 7-10. Wow, that's a sickeningly small window. My fear is, I cannot figure out what day my cycle began, or if it has really begun. Why? Because I haven't had my normal cramps, and I have yet to bleed normally. The projected first cycle day is tomorrow, so I think I'll call the my doctor tomorrow, explain to him what's going on, and see if they can help me pinpoint it. Anyway, that will occur sometime this week. I just hope all goes well. The brighter side of this test is, if everything comes out normal, they say there is a high percentage of women who get pregnant one to two months following the test. Simply because, if there was any minor blockage, or anything on the uterine lining that was keeping pregnancy from happening, the dye should flush it out. So, I will continue to be hopeful.

Once Again

woke up in the middle of the night to the evil red stuff, stayed in denial most of the morning until the cramps started, too emotional to say anything more without crying again. 

Afternoon Stroll

Ever feel like someone's trying to tell you something??? Just when I'm so frustrated with life and trying to figure out what to do and how I can be proactive about my wants and needs I encounter this on a simple mid-day stroll to the grocery store.
Now, I am certainly aware that not all of you are Christian, but I am, and I just thought it was interesting how I've been told this so many times while trying to get pregnant or through any hard times in life, but it never truly struck me until I saw it spray painted in red and white on a neighborhood sidewalk. Guess I'll have to work on that...

On a lighter note, I also encountered this:
whisperings of simpler days
deep shade under a summer haze
a childhood memory
my flowing hair, an upturned nose
brushing branches with bare toes
straight legs then bended knees
shrieking, "Higher" with no fear
I hear the wind rush past my ear
flying high and feeling free