One Track Mind***Updated

Ok, so I know this is all I've been talking about lately, but my mind is consumed by it. I am still in limbo, though, as the days progress, I am feeling less and less hopeful. What I thought might be implantation bleeding has not stopped- like it should. It's gotten slightly heavier, but still no different than, say, the last day or two of AF. I had a very grumpy, tired, crampy day yesterday. So much so that I went home early from work and Matt VOLUNTEERED to go do our grocery shopping. AT WALMART. BY HIMSELF. I was shocked and very pleased that I didn't have to go. I stayed home and rested. Poor guy dealt gracefully with my bitter countenance all evening. I love him so.

Anyway, I think I'm going to try calling my doctor today. Maybe he can shed some light on my current situation. I'm hoping to get some sort of explanation for what's been going on, but I'm pretty sure they'll just tell me to take a test- which frustrates the living crap out of me. I have thought of taking a test, and my best friend has even given me some insight into a good one, but I guess I'm just a little afraid to. I hate being in limbo, but with all the craziness going on...I'm afraid of getting a false negative, or a false positive. So, I've decided to wait it out. If nothing changes by Saturday, I will take a test. For now, I'll just sit here on the edge of my seat.

***Hello AF. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are like that annoying person you can't get rid of. The person that constantly interrupts a quite couple moment, family gatherings, and pool parties because you show up either uninvited, early, or late. I go for so long without seeing you and just about the time I think you're going to leave me alone, you rear your ugly, red head. Not to mention the pain you bring emotionally and physically. I'm sorry, AF, but right now, I hate you.


Well, it could be implantation bleeding OR it could be the beginnings of a very early AF. I.DON'T.KNOW. I am holding out hope that it isn't AF, but I am, understandably, skeptical. I mean, do we need to go back to several older posts to remember what usually happens in this case? The only thing that leaves me with hope is that I have NEVER felt like this before. That Fall Cleaning project I had in mind? I have made a TO DO LIST in order to be able to do things one at a time throughout the next month. I simply did not have the energy to to it all yesterday. In fact, I barely had the energy to clean the bathroom. I had to sit down like every 20 minutes. I am so tired I can't even relax or I might fall asleep. I am having these strange, low, cramps and little, I don't know, fluttery feelings in my abdomen. I get what I can only describe as something similar to stomach cramps if I wait too long to eat. I rarely get heartburn and have had it 3 times since Wednesday. If I get to hot, I get nauseous. I really don't know what to make of it. I am praying that all these symptoms spell what I'm hoping for. If not, something is seriously wrong with me.

Fall Cleaning and a Bundle of Joy?

Thank you to those who commented on my last post. I appreciate your words and will try to think of a way to make small changes that will make me feel better. Speaking of small changes, it is moving time for our family. Only this year, for the very first time, we are NOT moving. I'm not certain yet how I feel about it. I have figured out that moving time is when I usually do my "Spring Cleaning". You know, move the fridge and the stove and tackle the nasties living underneath. Or unpacking every box you own so you can remember what crap is stored there and why you are still keeping it- or maybe this will be the year you decide to toss it. I guess I've just become accustomed to moving and the refreshing feeling I get from reorganizing everything I own and starting over. Since we're not moving, and since I can't get the moving bug out of my hair, I think I'm just going to do all the deep cleaning (we'll call it "Fall Cleaning"), reorganizing, and I think I'm going to start coming up with small ways to make my apartment feel more like me. Does anybody know of any good design blogs? I need some fresh ideas.
In other news, I feel strange today. The last few days I have been unbelievable exhausted. To the point that I can get 8-9 hours of sleep at night and still feel tired all day. I mean, I'm all droopy-eyed and yawning at 9 pm. Anyone who knows me well, knows that's not normal. Also, I have visiting the ladies room far more often than usual- up to and including the middle of the night. Oh, and if I don't eat for a long period of time, I get stomach cramps. Oh, and I keep getting terrible heartburn. Last, but not least, the sisters? Ouch. Anyway, so my cute little brain has me thinking I may be pregnant. Of course, we all know how that has turned out in the past, but here's hoping. I should know in a few days. (Sorry, I was supposed to have written this post last night, but the stomach cramps interfered.) Anyway, pray for us!


Sometimes I wonder if this blog is really doing me any good. I started out with a purpose, but the more I review what I've written, especially most recently, the more I feel like my purpose has been lost. I am no closer to "a state of balance" (equipoise) than I was when I started. Life, seems to always get in the way. Wow, what a funny thing to say. Shouldn't life be about balance? Shouldn't we all be striving to balance our creativity with our responsibilities? I wish I had enough talent in one creative area that my responsibilities could be taken care of by it. I wish I could make a living doing something I love, instead of wasting time in a cubicle to pay my bills. I see so many of you wonderful bloggers that are talented at sewing, at crafts, at illustration, painting, or photography. Your posts leave me awestruck. Many of you have a talent with words- something I used to pride myself in- that leave me breathless with how beautiful your posts are. Lately, I feel like everything I write is more of an update on my life. I feel like life has gotten so busy, or has gotten away from me enough, that I can't concentrate the energy I want to on my creativity and especially on this blog. I don't even have a header, and haven't in a while, because I can't find the time- or the creativity- to make one. I have lost my identity as a blogger. So, I am going to ask those of you that read my blog, what keeps you coming back? What is it that I write that you like the most? What is it that you don't like? I am too close to the problem to really see what it is that I am doing wrong. I can't figure out exactly what to change that will make me feel better about blogging. I would appreciate your feedback on this. I hope to make a few changes here very soon. I'm afraid that, if I can't figure out what to change, I may just quit blogging. I want to make sure my time is invested wisely, and right now, this blog isn't evidence of time well spent. Thank you in advance for your help.

Remedies for Wednesday

On Wednesdays I often find myself sitting in my chair at work, wondering how I'll possibly make it through two more days. Let's be honest, in a 9-5 world, you live for the weekends! Today, I decided I needed to do something for me. So, I decided to get my hair cut. Truth be told, I have been meaning to for a while, but I kept putting it off.

After work, I headed straight for the salon and was surprised to find no wait. Immediately, they did my favorite thing about a haircut- washed my hair. I don't know what is is about someone else washing your hair that is so relaxing, but I just melt into that chair and let them massage away my stress. I didn't do anything real drastic, just added some layers and removed some length, but there is just something a little freeing about seeing bits of hair fall to the floor. I let her style my hair before I left and, for once, didn't leave feeling ridiculous- thank you Hip Young Stylist. Oh, and whatever it was she put in my hair smelled divine. I just felt good, and that was pleasant on a Wednesday.

After my cut, I had dinner with my girl friend at one of my favorite pasta places- the one that Matt won't take me to. It was nice to have a little time to be a girl and talk about anything. We sat outside to enjoy the beautiful day and just took our time. My boring Wednesday turned out to be lovely, all because I took a little time for me. What could you to to lighten your mood on a boring day?

Three cheers and goodbye to this crazy summer!

Hello Internets! How I have missed you. Time flies when you lose your mind! Well it has been a busy two weeks. Here is a brief break down.

Cheer number one: I went home for my sister's wedding. I spent the whole time finishing pew bows and running around town for last minute things. I also enjoyed spending time with my family. We had lots of late nights, especially Friday- the night before the wedding- when we were at the church until almost midnight setting up. Saturday, August 4th me and sis woke up early and headed off to her hair appointment. Soon after, we drove to a local department store so a friend could do her make-up. We got to the church in time with her looking lovely an me looking...well, less than spectacular. As a bridesmaid curled my hair, I did my make-up while trying to oversee everything in the bride's room. My best friend, Allison, captured quite a decent picture of me- among several other lovelies. She was the photographer for the wedding, I can't wait to see the rest! After pictures, the wedding began. I did fine emotionally until my beautiful Sister walked down the aisle on the arm of my Dad. The wedding was filled with lots of music and I was asked to play my flute alongside my other sister, Kristin, while my parents sang. After the ring ceremony, as a bawling mess, I sang "The Rose" by Bette Midler while the wedding party made their way out of the chapel. (From what I've been told, it sounded good, but I couldn't tell...I was just trying to concentrate on breathing.) The wedding video I made turned out lovely, I was so proud. The reception was full of good food, great music, family and friends chattering and catching up, camera lights flashing repeatedly, and a couple that couldn't take their eyes from each other. One of the highlights was a dance for all married couples. As the music played the DJ eliminated couples based on how long they'd been married. At the end, only our grandparents were left. We sat teary-eyed watching as my wheelchair-bound grandfather was pushed around rhythmically by my sweet grandma and while our other set of grandparents lovingly guided each other across the floor. At sixty-one years our grandparents finally sat down and we all applauded their love and long commitment. The whole day was tasteful and breathtaking and I am so excited to have another Brother-In-Law. Congratulations my Sister and her new Husband! I love you both!

Cheer number two: After a one day break, my mom, two sisters, one new brother, and my little brother drove up to Utah for a similar type of celebration for Matt and I. I don't often talk about religion on the internet because I hold it dear and sacred, but for this I will make an exception. In my religion, we believe that you can be married for eternity, not just until death do you part. On Wednesday, August 8th, Matt and I were married (again) for time and all eternity. I can tell you that it was the single best day of my life to this point and, even if you don't understand it, please know that this is something most important to me...something for which I've been waiting a long time. We are so happy!  Matt's family has been so supportive and we loved having them with us that day. It was so nice to have my family up here, and wonderful that my Sister and new Brother were able to spend their honeymoon in Park City so as to be here for our day. We ended up spending a lot more time with them than we anticipated and their absence from our home is greatly missed.

Cheer number three: Although I was sad to see my family go...and am still missing them two days later...I am excited for life to slow down a little. I want to see my house in order and my schedule reset. I want to spend more alone time with Matt and have more nights relaxing at home. I'm looking forward to fall. I love to watch the leaves turn colors and feel the coolness of the nights. I love the little spooks that visit us on All Hallows Eve and the opportunity to give thanks for all our blessings. I'm ready to say goodbye to summer for another year...


I am back. The trip was awesome, the wedding was gorgeous, I cried A LOT. I have so much to tell, but this week is crazy and I have a zillion blogs to catch up on...give me a couple days???