How Do You Fill Your Bucket?

I always thought I had to lose myself in Motherhood.

Don't get me wrong, in a lot of ways, we do.  The hours, the demands, the putting another person's interests before your own and so many other facets of motherhood, it changes you.  But when I became a mother I found that completely losing myself didn't work for me. In fact, it didn't work for my kids either.
 

I spent my first year of motherhood completely devoted to my Zoe.  When you have a newborn this is necessary in a lot of ways. They are completely dependent on you.  As they hit milestones they look to you to navigate them through rolling over, crawling, walking, eating, and playing. Not to mention it had taken us over two years to conceive her.  She was my sole focus in life before she ever even existed here on earth.  So I gave her my time.  Matt and I almost never went on dates or she would often come with us if we did. He was not my focus, let alone me.

After the first year I started to feel human again. I was done nursing, I started showering in the mornings again instead of whenever I could find a minute, I tried to get out of the house more.  Yet my days were still centered around Zoe's nap schedule. Life was still all about her. Then I got pregnant with Paige.

My second pregnancy was completely different from my first. I was down and out. If I was upright I was unbearably nauseous. Plus I had to take care of a 16 month old and still work. I was exhausted all the time. I felt like I could barely function.  As the pregnancy progressed, things got a bit easier, but it was a hard pregnancy and by the end of it, I was so completely done.

When Paige was born, I made her my world again. At the expense of Zoe and my marriage and especially myself.  She was a very sleepy baby, but only during the day. At night she was hard to get to sleep. Plus, she had acid reflux like her sister- making life with a baby and a two year old even harder. At the time, I was in survival mode. I felt I was barely hanging on, but I made it through the days and we found a routine.
 

Two months later my marriage fell apart.  

Now, there were many reasons for this, but what it really boiled down to was that we had not nurtured our relationship in a very long time and communication was not something we had worked at.  He had his faults and I had mine.  To say it was a difficult time is a massive understatement.  I was broken and in pain.
 

Almost overnight I became a single Mom with two small children and a job. I would stay up late at night and examine myself and my life.  I lost a lot of weight in a very short time.  As I stared into the mirror at the face that then looked so much like the face of my youth I realized I had no idea who I was anymore.  I was so lost in motherhood and in my image of myself as a wife that I had forgotten to hang on to the things that made me who I was.  My kids didn't know how much I loved music and writing.  Zoe had such a hard time gaining a sister because I had made her my whole world until that wasn't possible anymore.  I had given my family everything I had except what they really needed: Me.

It was at that moment that I discovered the most important lesson I have learned so far:

Motherhood doesn't require us to give up who we are.

So I made some immediate changes.  I started doing things that made me feel like myself.  Things I enjoyed.  I shared them with my children.  I let them hear me sing aloud in the house and play the piano.  I pulled out my flute.  I started writing again.  I thought for so long that doing these things, taking "time away from them" to do things I loved would be selfish.  I learned that our children need to see who we are.  They need to see what makes us special. 

Our children were sent to us for a reason.  We have talents and gifts that are best suited towards raising them to be the best people they can be.  Putting aside things we love, losing ourselves in our children, not remembering to care for ourselves is not a service to them or to us.  How will we raise them to have self confidence, to love who they are, to believe that they can be anyone or anything they choose to be if we don't set the example?

Matt and I fixed our marriage.  We learned the hard way what happens when a relationship isn't properly nourished.  We learned to communicate and to help each other become our best selves.  We learned that the best thing we can do for our kids together is provide them the stability and example of a good marriage.  Similarly, we must properly nourish ourselves so we don't fall apart.

The last few years I have explored this concept further.  I started running and got into fitness and healthy eating and really started paying attention to my body and my spirit.  I now know that in order to give my kids my best self, I have to take care of me, too. 

I have learned more about myself.  I know that I need to recharge after being around a lot of people.  I know that my temper is triggered by lack of sleep, stress, and feeling rushed.  I know that I feel more powerful and in control when I get a workout in every day- not to mention the endorphins, energy and the stress relief that gives me.  I know that when I provide my body with good food I have the energy to accomplish my tasks AND give my kids what they need from me.  I know that too much sugar makes my emotions less stable.  I know that reading scriptures, saying prayers, and allowing myself moments of silence throughout the day helps me to get my mind, body and spirit working together and in the right place.  I know that some days I just need to curl up with a good book, do yoga, write, or get in a good, mind-cleansing run.

Knowing all these things doesn't help me to be perfect, but it does help me to be a better Mother, wife, and person.

I look at it this way.  I have a bucket.  From this bucket I give my kids love, basic care, a listening ear, playtime, taxi service, help with homework as well as trying to teach them to love our Heavenly Father and be kind human beings.  Also from this bucket I love and support my husband and give him what he needs from me.  The bucket provides the means to fulfill responsibilities to my job and in my home.  It is where I find my ability to fulfill my church callings and my ability to serve others.  The bucket is how I remember to nurture the important relationships in my life.  Or do necessary things like buy the groceries and pay the bills.  The bucket allows me to do everything I need to do in my life.  If that bucket is empty, how can I possibly accomplish all these things?  I have to fill up that bucket regularly if I am going to keep using it.

My little world needs that bucket...and that bucket is ME! 

I am not saying that we should be selfish.  I am not saying to ignore your baby's screaming to finish a workout.  I am not saying to lock yourself in your room with a book for a whole day and let your toddler run freely.  Or that being a devoted Mom is a bad thing.  I am not saying that a newborn baby doesn't take every ounce of time and energy you have.  I am not telling you to exercise!  I am not saying you aren't enough because you ARE!

I am just suggesting that by taking better care of ourselves, perhaps we learn to better care for others.  Or, at least, we offer the best of what we have. There will come a time as a person, a wife, a mother, a parent, a friend, or even an employee that you will feel depleted.  You will feel like you can't stay upright, you cannot give another ounce, you cannot take another step, lift another finger.  Your bucket will be empty or close to it.  When that time comes you will need to know who you are and what you need to do to keep going. 

How do you fill your bucket?



 

Quieting the Chaos

Often, after I settle my girls in bed, my evenings are spent working or laying on the couch watching television or cleaning the kitchen.  Tonight as I sat down to turn on the TV I hesitated as I noticed the calm peace that had settled over my home.  Not wanting to disturb that peace, I turned here instead.

Lately my family has had a difficult time getting along.  When I say my family, I mean every single one of us.  I have been tired and grumpy and stressed.  Matt has felt similar feelings and also has work issues he carries home with him.  The girls and I are desperately trying to get back into our normal routine after a difficult month in March.  They are fighting a lot more, arguing with us, being disobedient, lazy, pushing our buttons harder.  I told a friend today that I sometimes feel like my kids have been replaced with rude aliens.  When my kids are acting up and I am not at my best and most energetic, well, let's just say that my attitude probably doesn't help much.

Tonight we were having another rough evening.  Everyone's tone of voice was on edge.  There was so much contention going on!  Matt and I were both exhausted and trying to get dinner made.  My home felt chaotic and unsettled and I felt like we were all going to either explode or kill each other if I didn't do something to change our environment and our attitudes.  So I took the advice my Mother gave me as a small child when we talked about what I could do when I was angry or scared or unsettled: I turned to the Hymns. 

Thank goodness for technology!  I opened up the Pandora app on my phone and plugged it into the speaker and bathed my home and my family in Hymns.  Within moments I felt more peaceful.  Within minutes, my kids were getting along and laughing as Zoe worked on her math program for school as Paige watched.  Matt calmed down and got a bit of rest on the couch as I finished up the dishes. 

I have a strong belief and testimony of the power of good music in our lives.  I have always felt the Spirit of my Heavenly Father strongest through music.  It is through using my talents that I am able to most fully express myself and my testimony.  Maybe it isn't that way for everyone.  I know that music speaks to me in a different way than it does to others.  It is almost as if music is my most innate language.  Music skips words and thought and just goes directly to my heart. 

The music flowing through my home this evening changed our environment, softened our hearts and allowed the Spirit to calmly reside here.  That one decision changed the entire course of our evening.  No, my kids weren't perfect, but they were better and I was far more patient and understanding.  We ended the evening with scriptures and prayers, a song for each of them and a few giggles and I feel so much better about how the end of the day played out.  I was able to stop and really appreciate them for who they are.  I was able to really enjoy them.

I know I have been so blessed every time I look at my family.  We are so fortunate to have a roof over our heads, to have our basic needs not just met but exceeded, to have insurance and good jobs, but most of all to have each other.  When life gets hectic and busy it is so easy for me to get frustrated with the attitudes of my kids.  Or when they get really needy when I am doing something.  When I am tired it is easy to say I don't want to play house right now.  But the thing is, it really is just as easy to do the opposite- if I can bring peace to myself and my home.

I need to always remember to stop and take the time to invite peace into my home and into my heart so that I can always give my children my best self instead of my crazy, frustrated self.  Tonight those Hymns helped me to do that.  Tomorrow that may look like 10 minutes of decompression and meditation in my room.  Or yoga before bed to quiet my mind and my soul.  It could be five deep breaths in the pantry.  I have plenty of tools before me.  I have learned these lessons.  I just need to remember to put them into practice every day.

Now I'm off to get some work done as I enjoy this quiet I have created in my space.  I hope you all have a peaceful evening!

I know that Hymns may not work for everyone.  Especially those who believe differently than me.  What do you do to bring peace to your home or to yourself?  What quiets the chaos in your life or in your heart? Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Lessons Learned

The last few weeks I have been training for the local Susan G Komen Race for the Cure going on here next Saturday.  I am really excited to run it, especially since I discovered that I can actually run 3.1 miles without too much trouble.  This is no small matter to the girl who had trouble getting through all four laps to make up the required mile in my physical education class growing up.  I guess it just goes to show that size isn't everything.  Skinny doesn't always equal strong or in shape, any more than having bits of fat makes me weak.  This is an important lesson I have learned. 

Something else the last few weeks have taught me is that I need a goal to stay focused.  Losing weight isn't a goal, it's a benefit of living a healthy lifestyle- which is now my real goal.  I'm starting to not focus on the scale so much as focusing on making sure I stay active and try to make good, nutritious food choices.  I'm not perfect at this, and I've learned not to expect perfection.  Striving for perfection will get you nothing but failure.  And failure bites.  The result of this new mentality is that I'm happier with myself and my progress- which has also helped me in my relationship with Matt.

Since we decided to work things out and get remarried, I have been quite happy.  We keep working on things and they aren't perfect, but that's ok.  It's very normal and that is a good thing.  When we first got back together it was like we had just met all over again.  As time went on, I realized there was always this teeny, tiny fear in the back of my mind that it wouldn't work out in the end.  I have been struggling with that little fear off and on for almost a year now.  Matt has been so supportive whenever that fear surfaced. 

Having been reassured so many times, you would think the fear would go away.  It's hard to explain, but every time we had a conflict and feelings similar to the ones I had when things went south came back, I freaked out.  I brought up the past.  I worried that just because one or both of us were upset that we would be back where we once were.  I worried more about my appearance.  I did all the things you're not supposed to do in a conflict.  He would calm me down, we would talk it out and I would feel better again. 

A few weeks ago, Matt and I were talking about something and the subject of our future came up and he told me he wasn't going anywhere, that I would have to be the one to leave for us to end.  It may seem silly to some, but that was sort of a turning point for me.  The last little piece of my heart I realized I hadn't given back to him was suddenly his again.  My soul is calmer, my heart is sure, and my self-esteem is mine to deal with again.  Our love has grown deeper, and it shows in the little things we do for each other.

That man loves me, and I love him.  I gave him my heart almost 9 years ago and it has been his ever since.  We have our bumps and bruises, but they do heal.  We have been brought together so many times now that I truly believe we were meant to be.  Life teaches us a lot of lessons.  The most important one I have learned is that I can never take anything for granted.  Not health, not friendship, not money and especially not love.  Having the love of a man who gets me so completely, who makes me laugh, supports me and makes me feel beautiful in pajamas and yesterday's make-up, is something I will forever be grateful for.  I also have to remember to love myself.

I want to thank our families, friends and all the people who read this little blog for supporting us as we travel our many journeys together and separately.  The other day my in-laws thanked me for taking Matt back.  I was touched by this, but didn't quite know what to say back.  I will say now that I loved him nearly from the day I met him and I never stopped.  It was hard to figure some things out, but deciding to try again wasn't hard at all.  I know I made the right choice the first, second and third time I said, "I do." 

Marriage isn't always easy.  Life isn't easy.  Changing is especially hard.  Everything we do, our goals, the relationships we have- they all take work.  Nothing happens in life that we don't put a little effort into.  We just have to trust ourselves, learn from our mistakes, stay focused, follow our hearts and surround ourselves with people who support and empower us.  I believe that to be true of everything we do. 

What is your favorite relationship advice?  How do you attack your goals in life?  Who is your best cheerleader in life?  Have a great weekend!

Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I remarried my husband, Matthew, ready to give our love a second shot.  It hasn't been an easy year.  We have weathered many storms together.  Sometimes I feared that things would fall apart again.  Every time I did, he reassured me.

Over the last year I fell in love with him all over again.  We found trust and respect for each other.  WE learned to understand and forgive the past.  Learned to love and support our differences and our hobbies.  He is my best friend.

I am so grateful that I was brave enough to agree to a second chance.  The choice to remarry him was the right one.  Our family is closer than it has ever been.  We are closer than we have ever been.

Marriage isn't always easy.  Two people facing the world together will always result in differences of opinion.  We are learning to use conflict as a tool to bring us closer and help us to know each other better.  We are far more open with each other than we ever used to be.  We are not afraid to ask the hard questions, to bring up issues, and deal with conflicts.  We have been in the worst place a marriage could ever go, and never want to get back there.  Ever.

I love Matthew with a love deeper than I ever thought I could feel for another person.  He gets me and he lets me be myself.  He supports me in how I choose to spend my life and my time.  He is a good father and a wonderful husband.  He helps me with the dishes.  He works incredibly hard to support our family.  He helps us to make and keep the goals we have together.  He confides in me and lets me confide in him.  He lets me see all sides of him and trusts me with his heart.  He loves me and shows it daily.  I couldn't ask for more, and I try to do the same for him.

There is no other man I could imagine spending the last eight years with.  I am so proud to call him my husband, and so grateful to have him by my side through this life.  Happy Anniversary, my Love.

Closer

It's hard to believe we only have two days until Christmas.  My family and I have been in the throes of illness for two weeks now.  I am finally starting to feel like we might be nearing the end.  The relief of that feeling is indescribable.  You take for granted things like having a voice, being able to exercise, being able to breathe without coughing.  I can't wait until I feel like myself again.

I'm writing to you now from a hotel room in Cortez, CO.  We are on our way to my home, New Mexico, to spend Christmas with my family.  Unfortunately, the road into my hometown is closed due to a terrible snowstorm so we are stuck waiting. 

What do these two things have in common?

Being sick and being stuck in a hotel room, our home, a car together has brought us all closer.  Gratefully, I find my children endearing instead of feeling like they are driving me nuts.  Zoe spent the trip entertaining us with her new nicknames for us and her silly remarks. 

 Last night as we were all laying down to go to sleep she said, "Dad, I'm having trouble sleeping.  I think I'll count sheep."  We chuckled as she started counting aloud, only to burst out laughing when she said, a few seconds later, "Actually, I think I should play Angry Birds." 

Paige serenaded us with her singsong voice, talking until almost midnight and we were up early this morning because of her coughing.  Yet, as soon as she saw Dad up and awake she excited squealed, "HI!"  And suddenly the early hour wasn't so frustrating.

Not to mention all the time I've had to sit and talk with Matt, listen to music and just BE together while our two little ones enjoy movies in the back seat.  Blessed technology!! 

I'm grateful for the time to reflect and really enjoy my little family.  They are my greatest blessings and (especially after last year) I'm beyond excited that we are all together this year. 

Well, I'd better sign off.  The extra waiting has given me some time to get a little work done. 

Just in case I don't get the chance to get on here again, Merry Christmas to you all!  (Or Happy Holidays to those of you who celebrate differently.)  I'm so grateful to have you here!

Five Minute Friday: Unexpected

It's time again for Five Minute Friday.  We write for five minutes flat without worrying if it's perfect.  Please click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions and to join in!

Today's Prompt: Unexpected

Go.

Life has returned to what will be the new normal for me as a single Mother.  I find happiness in my children, my friends and my small accomplishments.  Yet, my heart still aches from the pain of an unexpected divorce and the love I still carry for the man that was supposed to be mine forever. 

I find myself pondering over the last time I saw him, a few days ago, when things seemed strangely normal.  We were able to talk without that edge of hostility.  Talk a lot.  And laugh.  All foreign things since everything started.

We have been talking since.  Not just about the girls, but about likes and dislikes, music, every day things. It is friendly, and I don't quite know what to make of it.  I don't take time to question it too much.  It is nice to be friends for once.

I go about my day working, playing with the girls, meals, clean-up, the normal routine.  All the while carrying on a great conversation with him over text.  Until I get an unexpected message:

Do you think you could meet me to talk? 

My heart pounds loudly in my ears as I search it for an answer.  What could he want to talk about?  He doesn't want to do it over text.  It is obviously important to need to meet in person.  A million thoughts rush through my head, I lay them all aside immediately and text back the first thought that had entered my mind:

Yes.

Little did I know, that would be the first step to our second beginning.  I am so grateful I said, "Yes."

Stop.

What has come from the unexpected moments in your life?

Exercise

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my primary goal focus recently has been getting in shape, eating more healthy and focusing on feeling better in my skin.  Today I thought I would give you sort of a progress report, and touch on things I have struggled with the last few months.

Since Matt and I got remarried, one of our focuses has been to get in better shape.  Way back in March we started out really well.  We were doing P90x every night for a few weeks.  Then Easter came.  We travelled to New Mexico to visit family and all our forward momentum came to a screeching halt. 

Since then, we have started over and over again.  When is best to work out?  Mornings?  So we tried mornings.  Then we had too many mornings where we couldn't get up because we're just not used to being up before dawn.  So, since we are night owls, we thought nights will work better.  And we did fairly well, until there were nights where the girls got down late, or we ate too late, or we got busy doing things and it was too late to workout.  So we decided mornings again.  See a pattern?

Meanwhile, between the fact that all that weight I lost was fast and stress-induced and the fact that birth control and quitting nursing brought it all tumbling back, none of my clothes were fitting me very well.  And it was getting worse.

So finally I asked Matt if he would mind if I started doing it without him during the day while he was at work.  Things have been so hectic, he knew we wouldn't do it so he agreed.  And off I went.

Since then I have been working out consistently 4-6 days a week for about a month doing Insanity and other things here and there.  I have been watching my calories more closely (using myfinesspal) and I drink tons of water.  In general, I feel a whole lot better about myself.  I can see muscle tone in my obliques that I have never had.  I am starting to see actual calves on my chicken legs...something I NEVER thought was possible.  My arms are still wimpy, but seem stronger than ever.

Having always been a "soft" girl, I have enjoyed seeing these changes.  Unfortunately, not much has changed in the way my clothes fit.  I still have quite a mommy-pudge to contend with, and I have lost five pounds, but wanted to lose at least 8 by now.

I know much of the reason for my current weight is my body building muscle where there hasn't been any in many years, and in places I have never had muscle definition.  I know muscle is heavier than fat.  So that makes sense.  I have lost inches on my waist, a bit on my belly, and my hips.  My face looks a bit thinner too.  Yet, I know that I have given myself perhaps more "cheat days" than I should.  I definitely can eat less sugar and fat than I do, too.

Tomorrow Matt is going to try joining me doing early mornings again.  If we don't wake up, I will do it later in the day, but it gets hard with all the responsibilities I have between my girls, work and my house, among other things.  I would love to be more consistent with mornings so my days will flow better, and so I don't have to walk this journey alone.  We'll have to keep working on it.

This is a hard change for me.  Sometimes it feels easier to quit.  But I know I won't be happy with that decision.  I am motivated to make this a permanent lifestyle change.  I want to feel good in my skin, no matter what "weight" that ends up being.  I want my girls to see that an active lifestyle and that paying attention to what you consume is important.  I want to fit back into my clothes again!!!! 

If you have weight loss/fitness tips or advice, ideas for how to still eat chocolate on a diet, how to cook healthy AND yummy food for your family and kids, how to teach yourself to wake up before the sun, how you fit in workouts in your busy lives, or if you just want to tell me, "You can do this!", please leave me a comment, or send me an email.  I would appreciate all the encouragement I can get!

Five Minute Friday: Joy

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: Joy...

Go.

As a Mom of young children, I find my joy in spurts. It's in feeling accomplished because I got my workout in. It's the fact that I got to shower and dress AND put on make-up that day. It's an unexpected hug. It's, "I love you soooooo much, Mom." It's repetitive, open-mouthed baby kisses. It's snuggling on the couch reading books. It's listening to my girls singing and dancing to Michael Jackson. It's noticing Zoe reciting books from memory. It's Paige "talking" and trying so hard to communicate. It's a few moments alone and a good conversation with Matt. It's date night. It's, "I cleaned up my room all by myself, Mom!" It's that whole night of uninterrupted sleep. It's praying with my husband at night and having him be thankful for our marriage and for parenthood. It's feeling comfort from my Heavenly Father on hard days. It's finding a moment to breathe, to think, to read scriptures, to reflect. It's realizing all the blessings that I have.

My joy is large and full, but broken up into tiny moments mixed in between frustrations, temper tantrums, difficulties, and day-to-day mundane tasks. Sometimes it's hard to feel joyful all day long. But when I add up the moments, I find I am truly happy.

What is "Joy" to you?  How do you find joy in your life?  Please leave me a comment.  If you haven't already, I would love it if you found a way to follow me!  Have a wonderful weekend!

Our Beginnings Part Three

This is the third and final installment of our beginnings and the end of "Blast From The Past" week (for now). You'll want to read part one and part two if you haven't already!  This post was originally published on the old blog on June 10, 2007

Once Matt graduated AIT, we packed up our things and made the long drive back to New Mexico. We were allotted 4 weeks to go home, pack up all of our belongings (most of which we left in Matt's Parents' garage), and spend a little time with family before heading to North Carolina- where we were to be stationed.

While we were in Virginia, my Mom had spearheaded all plans for our reception. See, only a few people from our family were able to attend our ceremony with two days notice, so we decided to go ahead and have a reception as soon as Love was done with training. So, we arrived in New Mexico a few days before the reception. It was a whirlwind of dress fittings and last minute plans. My mom was pregnant at the time and, unfortunately, lost the baby right before my reception. It was very hard for her and for all of us, but invitations were out and plans were drawn. So, we took over.

Luckily, my mom being the organizer she is, had everything drawn out, where the decorations were to be placed, she had people doing food and everything was set. When the day arrived, I took my sisters to get our nails, hair, and make-up done. We went to the church to help set up and get last minute things going. Then I went and got into my dress and the party started. It was a wonderful day and, even though I missed out on the bridal showers and bachelorette parties, it seemed so worth it.

We stayed for a few more weeks, then packed up and made our third trek across the country to Fort Bragg, North Carolina. We arrived there nearly poor, living off credit cards, and ready to settle into our new house on base and really start our lives together. Unfortunately, we arrived at a busy time and they wouldn't have a house for us for two months. They would allow us to stay on post in a hotel for a short time, but we would have to pay up front and they would reimburse us. This was the way of the army.

Thankfully, Matt's best friend in AIT already had a house and an extra room they offered until our house was ready. We gratefully took them up on their offer and moved in. The next couple of months were hard as tensions rose. It's hard to cram two newlyweds into one small house and work out meals. Soon, it was all over, though, and we got into our cute little townhouse.

Everything was going fine, I found a job working part-time and Matt was doing well at his job. We'd made some friends and things were working. Then things went down hill and Matt ended up being honorably discharged from the Army. We were promised it would be anywhere from a week to a month. So we put our lives on hold, I told my boss and we waited. And waited. Seven months later, after much arguing, tears, heartache, and a very angry visit I made to his First Sergeant, we were released.

It was a long and troublesome fourth trip cross-country that included several U-haul breakdowns (don't ever use them!!!), a few crappy hotels, and our dog, Daisy and her two puppies Bella and Jack:

After a stop off in NM to get the U-haul fixed (twice), we finally reached our new home, Salt Lake City, UT. Love's sister and brother-in-law were kind enough to let us stay with them (making the fourth family we'd lived with during our short 1.5 year marriage) until we could find jobs, a place to live, and get back on our feet. We did and we've been doing great to this day!

So that is our story, at least the short(er) version.

So did you like or hate me reposting old stuff?  Leave me a comment and let me know!

Our Beginnings Part Two

Part of a "Blast From the Past" series...part two of our story.  You'll want to read Part One first. This post was originally published on the old blog on June 3, 2007 and can be found in the archives.

On February 8th, 2004, after spending a month and a half working, planning, and missing Matt. I set off, by myself, on the cross country drive from Albuquerque, NM to Jackson, SC to see him graduate basic training- after which we were supposed to get him settled in Richmond, VA and I would continue on to stay with Matt's Aunt and Uncle in Springfield, VA for the duration of his AIT (secondary training).

It took me four days as my family, and Matt, didn't want me driving after dark or for too long each day. I made my first stop in Dallas, TX, where a nice LDS couple (strangers) let me stay with them for the night. They fed me grilled cheese and tomato soup. The following day I stopped in Jackson, MS and stayed in a hotel with damp sheets. The third day I stayed in Atlanta, GA with a friend of Matt's Dad. He had a bubbly child and fed me pot stickers- which I had never tried before and now love.   All were very kind.

The next day I waited for his parents to fly in from Atlanta, GA. I found them at the airport and followed them the short 3 hour drive to our hotel in South Carolina. I listened to a radio broadcast of a TV show...the name escapes me. It was my first cross country trip and the longest drive I had ever made. Thinking back over the course of my trip, I listened, and sang along at the top of my lungs, to every CD I owned- twice- saw advertisements in french in Louisiana, the wide Mississippi River, and a city called Newton...while I was eating fig newtons.

Matt's parents and I arrived in South Carolina, checked into our shared hotel room and fell promptly into bed. The next morning we arose, I was so excited to see him I could barely sit still. We arrived on base and went searching for Matt. His drill sergeants were running them through a graduation practice. We would see them soon. Unfortunately, someone broke formation to talk to a family member. They were chastised and forced to drop and do push-ups, in front of their family, causing us to wait longer. Finally, they were released to spend time with us. I wanted so badly to embrace him, but couldn't because he was in uniform and it wasn't allowed.

We were allotted a few hours to spend talking with him in the gym. It was wonderful to see him, but so dictated and very difficult. After what seemed like minutes, we had to go. The night was restless. Morning came and we prepared for his graduation. It was cold and overcast. We sat in the bleachers and watched the ceremony. I remember feeling so proud of all he'd accomplished so far...and waiting impatiently for it to be over so I could see him.

After graduation the soldiers were released for the night. Once we got in the car and got off base, we were finally permitted to embrace, it was the best hug ever. We went back to the hotel where Matt's parents left to give us some "alone time." Afterwards, we all went to Texas Roadhouse and ate a big meal. Then we took Matt back where he would sleep, then catch the bus with all the soldiers headed to Richmond.

The next morning, Matt's parents left early to catch their flight home. I slept in a little, checked out of the hotel, and was on my way to Virginia. When I arrived at Fort Lee, I didn't know where Matt was, or where I could find him so we could spend our weekend together before I headed to Springfield. It was Valentine's Day. He had called me once from his bus, but I hadn't heard from him since. I parked in a hotel parking lot on base and waited- for hours. Finally, I decided to try and find his company.

I drove all over base looking for company L. I finally located the company and walked in to try and find him, and find out what was going on. I was upset, I walked in a talked to someone at the front desk and they went and found Matt for me. (They had to pull him out of a meeting.) They let him take me outside, my bawling was distracting the other soldiers, and explain the situation. I wasn't allowed to touch him except just hold his hand.

I was frustrated and lost in a strange new place and had been alone for hours. I was angry and crying and wanted to know why he hadn't been released to spend the weekend with me as I thought. It turned out, there was a miscommunication between bases. Fort Jackson said we would get time with our soldiers, Fort Lee wanted the weekend to get the new soldiers ready to begin training on Monday. I was sobbing, Matt was helpless, then they forced him to go inside. I told him I'd stay in a hotel just off base and leave the next morning to Springfield. I cried all night.

The next morning I made the short two hour drive to Springfield and entered the houseful of strangers I would spend the next few months with. I am not very good at meeting new people. I am very shy and put up a wall until I get to know people better. I spent the day unpacking with tears streaming down my face. They were kind enough to leave me alone.  Matt was supposed to get a pass every weekend to go off base and do whatever he wished. He didn't get that for two weeks.

When the time finally came, I got up early and drove down to Fort Lee to see him. We stayed in a hotel on post and acted like we hadn't seen each other in years. Best two days of my life up to that point. After the shortest time ever, I said goodbye again and headed back to Springfield. After a while we decided it would be better to drive back to Springfield each Saturday and spend our time there.

This was our schedule: I got up, got ready, drove two hours to pick him up, he drove two hours back, we spent about 24 hours together, practicing the privileges of being married, eating out, going shopping, and exploring Springfield. Then we'd leave at around 1pm on Sundays to make sure he got back by his 4 pm curfew. I would drive home alone. Traffic was evil and I was often late picking him up or late getting back on Sunday. Some days they held them late on Saturdays and I would be left anxiously waiting for them to get out. Our lives were dictated, our 24 hours passed quickly, we said goodbye too many times.

During the week I worked as a teacher for the two-year-old class at a day care center. I would go tanning, draw, read, whatever I could to to keep myself occupied until Matt could call me. He called me every night...except a couple. I never knew when he would call, my phone was my constant companion.  His extended family was wonderful to me and I befriended his cousin's (then) wife, who really helped me get through those days.

It seemed there were to be many roadblocks placed by the army. A few weeks into AIT training- Matt was training to become a parachute rigger, or someone who packs, repairs, and jumps with parachutes- he was supposed to go to Fort Benning for Jump School. (To learn HOW to jump from planes.) It was postponed 3 weeks...meaning we'd have to stay three weeks longer. When he went to jump school, I flew home to see my family. The nights he was supposed to jump, I didn't sleep. I waited for his call to tell me he was OK.

When he got out of Jump School, I went back. I saw him that weekend. The pattern continued. Luckily, I found out my best friend, Allison, was in Virginia. I was excited, I hadn't seen her in four years! She really helped me get through those last six weeks, and I helped her with a few things too. It was amazing to see her and have someone I knew and loved around during the week. It was hard to leave her when it was all over, but I was also overjoyed to be done with being away from Matt.

This story has gotten too long. I'll finish it tomorrow!

Check back tomorrow for the final installment!

Our Beginnings Part One

(Since I'm moving posts over I thought it would be fun to do a sort of "Blast from the Past."  This is a three-part overview of how we met and our early years.  I have edited out some infertility content.  The full original post can be found in the archives.  This was originally posted on June 1, 2007.)

Matt is going on an overnight camping/ paint ball trip with family and friends (just the boys) and I am left home. It's funny how much you miss your hubby when he's not at home. I took him to work this morning and felt a little sad knowing I wouldn't see him until tomorrow afternoon. It seems a little silly because we've been apart for longer periods than that, but I did, just the same. In fact, now that I think about it, we've been apart a lot in our 3 1/2 year marriage.

We met in August 2003- and when I say met, I mean started dating, as we were friends for quite a long time before. (Actually, he dated my sister for a brief 2 months in high school, but that's another story.) I was working as a server for Red Robin at the time and he and his family came in to eat.  I recognized him and gave him a big hug. I took their table, even though it wasn't one of mine and got their food. 

After everyone left, Matt came strolling back in saying he'd lost his car key. So, I started to help him look for it. After looking for a while, I asked if he'd looked in his car. He said he'd looked all over inside (funny because it was a Jetta and you can't get into it without the key because it locks on its own- but I didn't know that at the time). Finally, he went back out and "looked" and came back shortly, key in hand. Apparently, it took him all this time to summon the courage to ask me out. I told him "yes". That was the beginning.

After dating for about 2 months, we were engaged, here in Salt Lake City, in front of the Salt Lake Temple. We planned to get married in June 2004. In November, he went off to Jackson, SC for basic training for the Army (our first separation). I was living with his parents at the time (moved there when a gas line broke at my apartments and we didn't have heat or hot water for two months...and they still wanted full rent). He was gone for 4-5 weeks and we wrote each other letters and cried a lot.

He came home on December 20th (day before my birthday) for two weeks over the Christmas holiday. We spent Christmas with my family. As we talked more and more we decided maybe it would be best to get married while he was home. (For financial reasons, and a couple we'll discuss later.) Finally, after a lot of discussion we decided to go ahead with it. This was decided Sunday December 28th. That night we took his parents over to my parents' house to tell them we wanted to get married on the 30th. (Yes, two days later.)

Unfortunately, well, let's just say they didn't take it very well. In two days I got the day off work, a dress, a cake, secured someone to marry us, got a few decorations, and called family- at least half thought I was pregnant- so they could come. It was a very nice little ceremony. My mom started speaking to me again about 2 hours before the wedding and my dad decided (seconds before I was to walk) that he would, in fact, walk me down the aisle and give me away. Afterward, we shoved cake in each other's faces, mingled with our guests, took a few pictures, and we were off to a hotel for the night- courtesy of Matt's parents.

Our wedding night was great except I got sick with pink eye and strep throat and didn't sleep a wink. The next morning I got up and went to work. Three days later, Matt went back to basic training, leaving me behind in New Mexico until February 8th. (The second time we were apart.) To be continued...

Check back tomorrow for the second installment!

Up in the night...

Do you ever feel judged?  I know there have been several times in my life where I felt very judged.  Why is it that people have to have an opinion on how I live my life, what I choose to do with it, and who I spend it with?  Now I'm not saying I'm perfect and have never judged anyone.  I do have my opinions, but I try not to share those opinions with the person if I think it will make them feel judged.  Though I'm sure it has happened.  (And I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel judged.)

Last night I had a hard time sleeping for several reasons, but one of them was that something happened that make me feel judged for choosing to get remarried.  It's true that getting remarried has changed a lot of what I thought might occur this year.  Maybe I haven't done as much as I wanted to this year.  Maybe if I had stayed single I could have done more.  I did have a lot more time to myself then.  To me, time to myself is overrated when compared to having my family whole.

My question is, how would that have been better than reuniting my family?  Do you have any idea what this has done for GOOD for us?  Maybe you have an idea, but only we know the benefits we have seen from this decision.  Just because an opinion seems right for one person, doesn't mean it's right for me.

Is our life perfect?  Absolutely not!  Do we have struggles?  Absolutely.  Are we perfect for each other?  Is anyone?  What we know is that we love each other and it's worth it to us to work on any issues in order to be together and keep our family together.  It's worth the hard questions we get from Zoe each night like, "Mom, Dad, are you not going anywhere?"  It's worth reassuring her and ourselves that we intend to keep working forever to make sure she (and we) never has that fear again.

The only people who could/can make this decision are Matt and me.  We know what is best for us.  Am I still working to improve myself along with improving my marriage?  Of course!  But I have a lot of other things on my plate.  Life is all about balance.  In my life, I cannot choose to ONLY focus on myself.  I have children, a husband, work, responsibilities, AND myself to take care of.  All those things take a lot of time.  And I would appreciate some respect for everything I am responsible for.

We all have our own story.  We all have things and issues we are dealing with.  How about we waste less time judging and feeling judged and spend more time finding out how to help each other?

Sorry for the rant, people.  I just had to get that out.  Thanks!

Five Minute Friday: Rest

I'm very happy to say, and this has nothing to do with this post, that I have been very good with my workouts this week. Feeling accomplished.

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)
Today's prompt is: Rest

Go.

I have a hard time resting. My mind goes a million miles an hour ALL THE TIME. Ask Matt. A question he often poses to me: "Does your mind EVER turn off?" My answer is always "no".
Recently, I have started to notice that my kids are exhibiting behaviors that they only display when I'm too busy. I don't like that I am making them feel like I'm too busy to do fun things.

I have a really hard time letting go of the fact that my work is never done. Often I feel that if I could just get one day where I don't have to work or care for my kids I could finally get it all done. But I know that is silly because, in truth, "GETTING IT ALL DONE" is impossible. No matter how much I accomplished in that one day, there would always be more.

What this has all lead me to believe is that, perhaps, I just need to pick the most important things I have on my "To Do" list each day, get them done, and spend the rest of my time playing with my kids. OR, spending a few moments with myself doing some purposeful resting. Letting my mind and body recharge. Shall we say find a balance? Guess I have something to work on.

Stop.

Do you give yourself time to rest? Tell me how! Or how you plan to!

Shutdown

I have this tendency. Being a perfectionist my whole life, I have always been a little embarrassed of this tendency. Yet here I am admitting it on the internet hoping it will cleanse me a bit.

When I get overwhelmed I shut down. Completely.

Right now my house in in shambles, I haven't blogged in weeks, I'm a bit behind on my work, I have a "to do" list a mile long, I have calls to make, a car to have repaired (another story for another day) and a million other things I can't even remember right now.

It's overwhelming.

And I haven't even begun to tackle any of it.

I don't know if my brain just doesn't know how to process that much to do. To break it down. To prioritize. Or if I just have this lazy streak in me that comes out when I've had enough of the endless "trying to stay on top of things" mindset I usually run on.

I had to take another trip to New Mexico (yet another story), which I am so grateful I got to take. However, all the time away from home allowed me to get used to living without a massive list of things to do. And that little part of it was nice.

Meanwhile, that list kept growing in my absence and I returned unsure of where to even start!
Add to that our attempt to give Zoe some clear rules and responsibility and a teething baby. This week I just gave up.

The problem with a perfectionist mentality and shutdown mode coexisting is that I get a huge pile of anxiety to add to my already overwhelmed mind. And it shows. I don't sleep well, tossing and turning, I can't shut my mind off, I beat myself up over not getting anything done, I feel embarrassed when people see the results of shutdown mode, which gives me more anxiety.

Then I just feel awful.

Luckily, the anxiety usually wins out and I decide to do something about the mess I've tried to ignore. I guess I've started with blogging. Not the best priority to pick, maybe, but I do feel better getting all this off my chest. Next is the mountain of laundry I'm going to fold and then the kitchen I need to tackle and then that pesky "to do" list will start to get checked off and all will be right in the world again.

Until I get overwhelmed again...and shutdown again...and the cycle continues. Sigh.

Anyone else have this issue?

Five Minute Friday: Loss

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Go.

I have lost several people in my life. I lost my sister three hours into her life at age 12. I lost both my Grandfathers in the same year. But the hardest loss I have EVER had to deal with was the (now temporary) loss of my husband.

I am finally ready to talk about what I went through. I choose to do it here where I can do it once, and quickly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

The loss of the person you were supposed to spend your life with is the worst thing I have felt or could ever imagine. It is a physical, emotional, mental, draining loss. A loss that make you unable to breathe. A loss that makes you want to puke. A loss that doesn't let you eat. A loss that causes you to drop 30 pounds in a month.

It is a loss that makes you cry until there are no tears left. A loss that keeps you dry sobbing when the tears are gone.

It is a loss of the future. Of all your plans. A place of chopped up memories.

It is the inability to answer the questions of your little ones who don't understand the complexities of life. Just that they want their Dad to be at home where he has always been.

It is the inability to know what to do with seven years of memories in picture and memento form that you shoved in a box "for now".

It is the kind of loss that makes you feel like if they had died it would have been slightly easier. Just because you know they left you without choice and left loving you.

It is a loss that makes you feel small and unwanted and not enough. A loss that is often filled with too many unanswered questions.

A loss that feels too great to bear as you care for two small children. Knowing if your children weren't there to care for you probably wouldn't bother moving from your bed.

It is sleeping, eating, breathing, dreaming thoughts of one person. It is dreams of reunion and waking to an empty bed and instant tears.

It is the worst thing that has EVER happened to me. And now it is over.

I am grateful for this loss. For the strength it gave me and for everything I learned. Because, in the end, what we found was love and forgiveness. And that is all we need.

Stop.

Ok, so I wasn't able to stop in five minutes. The Gypsy Mama herself didn't today so I hope that's ok for me too. Not editing, just posting. Breathe...

Five Minute Friday: Grateful

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Go.

I am finding it difficult to put into words all the things I am grateful for...especially in five minutes. So I'm going with the list option.

I'm grateful for Love.

Grateful for my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ.

Grateful for Matt. Especially for having a second chance to have him in my life as my husband.

Grateful for Zoe. For how often she makes me laugh. For her testing my patience and making it stronger. For her beautiful, infectious smile and her singing.

Grateful for Paige. For her big beautiful eyes that seem to light up over everything. For how easy-going she is and how much she seems to really enjoy life.

Grateful for family visits. My Mom was recently in town with my little brother. It was so nice to have them here. She always does so much for us. I hope she knows how grateful we are for that.
Grateful for my family and friends. For all the love and support they freely give us. For the smiles, the laughter, the company and everything else.

Grateful for my home, my job, Matt's job. The fact that I am able to adequately provide for my family. We may not have everything we want, but we always have everything we need.

Grateful for this blog. For a place I can express myself, no matter who I am that day. And for people who are willing to read and comment and be part of my life.

Last, I am grateful for this opportunity to see all that I have to be grateful for. It's humbling.

Stop.

I could have gone on forever! Today's prompt is fabulous! What are you grateful for? Leave me a comment!

Pudgies

I have read back through my last few months of posts and realized I've been holding back. I started this blog with little to no fear of oversharing or overstepping boundaries. I just shared what I felt. Sometimes it was graphic. Sometimes it was too emotional. Mostly, it was heartfelt, real, and allowed me a space to share anything and everything. Since a lot of people I know have started reading this blog, I stopped being open. I started censoring myself for fear that someone might not like what I said, or that someone might not want to know certain things. It was at that point that I didn't enjoy writing here anymore. So, this is an attempt at reality. If you don't already know, my name is Katrina or Kat, I go by either. Love's name is Matt or Matthew. This is my blog reborn. Over time I will remake this blog into something I can be proud of. Or at least recreate a space where I can be open and honest. It might take me a few posts to get back in the swing of things!

In the last couple months I regained 10 of the 27 pounds I recently lost. I'm so frustrated at this point. I have a very complimentary husband, but often find myself wishing he could have seen me the way I was then and not now. Months ago I lost the weight very quickly. It wasn't healthy, gradual weight loss. It was fast, grief and stress weight loss. It was a combination of not eating enough and nursing a baby. Regardless, for the first time in 6 years, I felt sexy. I felt good in my skin. I felt skinny. It was one of the few silver linings I got out of going through the divorce. Putting those pounds back on has me groaning again when I see myself naked in the mirror. Sucking in and wishing for what was in my reflection just weeks ago.

I am working on losing the weight again, but focusing more on health, strength, and maintaining an active lifestyle. Yet I worry often about the changes my body underwent with my two pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls. Everything my body has been through for them was more than worth it. Matthew loves me and tells me often that I'm skinny and beautiful and that he doesn't care about my stretchmarks. Let's be honest though, it's not pretty! Will my stretchmarks end up looking like sad, wrinkled, flabby skin if I lose the fat that's underneath them? Is it worth it to have abs if the stretch-marked skin might not allow them to show? Will I have any boobs left if I keep doing all those push ups? Will I ever look close to normal again?

Secretly, I dream of having a body like the ones on the covers of the magazines. Logic tells me that those women don't really look like that. I've seen the amount of make-up, tweaking and airbrushing done to make those photos scream perfection. My illogical side tells me those women are what our world thinks of as beautiful. I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL. Well, what I really want is to FEEL beautiful. A few weeks ago, I had a minor issues with my stretch marks and what is left of my boobs after nursing two babies, but otherwise I actually FELT beautiful. I felt confident. I felt like maybe I could turn a few heads. That mentality hasn't disappeared completely, but I want that feeling back.

Three weeks ago I took pictures on my start day of the exercise program I've been doing. I see those pictures and it's frustrating, yet also motivating. I truly believe reconditioning my body, gaining muscle and losing fat will make me feel both healthy and beautiful. (Maybe even sexy.) The biggest difference between this weight loss and the last is that this time I will work hard for it. It will happen gradually and I will notice the little differences. I will notice the fact that I actually have visible biceps. I can do (modified) pull ups for the first time in my life. I can do yoga moves I never thought I could even attempt. I can live an active lifestyle with my husband and teach myself and our kids how to love and take care of our bodes. I do have fears about what will happen to my post pregnancy body as I make changes to it through fitness. My hope is that any oddities pregnancy may have created will be outweighed by the feeling of accomplishment when I push play on the 90th day. Or the first time I can do a pushup off my knees. Or maybe the day I fit better in my clothes from 10 pounds ago. Those are the important things. If it turns out those things are not enough, there's always the option of surgery!

P.S. I would love to hear thoughts from both men and women on the issues of fitness, post pregnancy bodies, and body image.

Life Happens

Once again I have become a hermit in the blogging world. Life seems to keep leading me to forks in the road and I've been forced to make a lot of tough decisions over the past few months. The most recent decision was that, after everything we've been through recently, Love and I decided to work things out. We got remarried about a month ago and have been very happy. I'm finally feeling like life is going to allow me a bit of time to settle into things again. I have been busy working, exercising, spending time with my husband (:D) and my girls and trying to keep up with my goals. I've done fairly well so far. Not sure I'm going to reach my reading goal...trying! I will do some updating in the next few days on goals, put up some pictures and videos, and etc. For now I just wanted to say hello to anyone who still reads this little blog and let you know I'm alive and well and HAPPY!

The Equipoise Family Grows!!

Paige was born at 2:47 am July 29th. She weighed in at 8lbs 5oz and is 22in long. She is a very strong little girl with a great set of pipes and very plump cheeks. We are all in love, including her big sister Zoe, and will be spending the next little bit enjoying her. I'll try to put up a few more pics soon!

Facebook Killed the Blogger

These days I spend way to much time on Facebook. While it is a fantastic way to stay in touch with family and friends scattered across the country/world, it is also very time consuming and addicting. I've tossed around the idea of canceling my account altogether...but can't stand the thought of losing easy contact with all those people. The most annoying thing about my Facebook addiction is that I haven't been blogging. I've met so many wonderful people through this blog and I don't want to lost contact with them either. I need to find some sort of balance between the two. Anyway, while I work on balancing my life...which IS the point of this blog...here's an update:



Taken on Mother's Day-26 weeks pregnant. I'm now almost 28 weeks pregnant. I have my check-up on Friday when I have to take the glucose test to determine if I have to be treated for gestational diabetes or not. Paige is getting big. She likes to move around a lot- I really enjoy watching her movements from the outside. Unfortunately, she tends to move the most when I want to sleep or relax. I find I'm having a lot more "fake" contractions with this pregnancy. They can be uncomfortable, but not too worrisome. She already seems to like music. Several times she'll be moving around and I'll begin to sing and she suddenly stops. I love it. Zoe seems to understand what's going on more and more. We are trying to prepare her as much as we can. Other than pregnancy, I keep busy with work, trying to keep up with the house, spend as many hours in the sun as possible, and enjoy my Zoe.



Speaking of Zoe, she is becoming our little comedian. It's almost hard to remember all the things she does that make us laugh daily. She is really starting to remember people and will ask where they are constantly...and repetitively. These people range from friends, to family, to neighbors, etc. Sometimes she will even yell, "Mommy (or bunny, or "insert name here"), where are you?!" She always asks where Love is in the morning. When I tell her he's at work she responds with, "Playing basketball." Apparently she thinks Daddy was destined for something else? Her newest/most used phrase lately is, "I want some more!" This can be anything from repeating a song we just sang, to food, to a fun activity, etc. Her new favorite song is, "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed." I added an "ouch" after the monkey falls and bumps his head- which receives tons of giggles. Zoe always sings the last part: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed!" It's awesome. She loves to watch Elmo and Clifford...I save these for when I need to occupy her so I can shower or etc. She really enjoys going to the park, the library and going on walks with Mommy. We're enjoying the warmer weather as much as we can. Also, we just switched our big girl to a toddler bed a week ago. I'll save that update for another post. She also got her first pair of sunglasses...which she LOVES.




Love just got a promotion. He has worked so hard and deserves it completely. It took a few months to process and we haven't quite seen the raise, but everything is finalized so it just depends on which paycheck they start it on. We're excited to have a little more breathing room in the money department. He is an awesome husband and Daddy and a neighborhood favorite with the kids. Here he is demonstrating "the mean face" with Zoe. How I love my little family!