And the floodgates open...

Have you ever had a time when a thousand thoughts are running through your head and you can't even begin to organize them? I have so many things I want to accomplish this year that I constantly find myself planning. I'm even planning things that might not even happen- counting my chickens before they hatch, as they say- which is really not such a good thing. For example, Love should be up for a promotion in a couple months and so I sat down and figured out how much I could cut my hours or if I could quit and us make it. I'm constantly coming up with fantastic strategies for how I can quit, or how we'll pay off all our debt- you know the "If I had a million dollars" plan- or "Love you have to make this much and we'll be debt free". Poor guy is probably so tired of hearing my fantasy possibilities of quitting. Why is this so frontal in my head? Well, Zoe hasn't been doing very well with at my sister-in-law's house lately. I'm certain it's nothing either of them are or aren't doing...she is just fussy all day...which is hard for both of them. It's hard for me to worry about the stress that both of them are going through every day because of it. I hope that it's a temporary thing. Truthfully between sickness, days off, and the holidays the routine could have a hard time sticking. But if it's not, what do I do? It's not fair to either of them to have days like that every week forever! Anyway, because of this I just wish I could be home with her...make it easier on everyone. I feel bad saying this because Love works so hard and his goal is to get me there. I guess I'm just getting impatient. On top of that I feel like I can never catch up with the housework. It seems like the second I finish one thing, another needs to be done. By the time I finish everything it's time to start over again. Moving out here has been a blessing because we finally have a house, but the commute has drastically cut into my functional hours and taken blessed time away from Zoe and I. I guess it's just something I have to deal with. This is my life now and I should take it and be happy. But it's really hard sometimes. It's also hard to only have one car. That involves daily planning all by itself. Not to mention the fact that I have all these decorating ideas for my house and no money to put them into effect...not that I would have time to decorate anyway. The shelves I bought two weeks ago are still sitting on the living room table. There are so many more things that I just don't want to get into here. Everything going on in my head makes me just want to escape to a deserted island and live on coconuts and lay on the beach all day...another fantasy. In the end, I guess I just needed to complain. I'm sure things will be fine...we'll all eventually get used to this change...hard as it may be. Thanks for listening.

6 Months

Dear Zoe,

Can you believe you've already made it halfway through your first year of life?  Your poor mother can't.  Just a couple of days ago I was looking through all your pictures and you have grown so much in such a short time.  I am torn between wanting you to stay little and cheering you on as you achieve each milestone in your life.  I suppose this will be something I'll deal with the rest of your life!

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This month you were determined to test your limits.  After placing you on your belly for a moment you surprised me with this.

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Shocked, I watched as you tucked your little knees up under you and began to scoot and rotate.

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Since then an out of reach toy has been no match for you.  If you are determined, you'll find a way to retrieve it.

We also began feeding you baby food regularly.  For the most part you like a variety of food, but WILL NOT eat peas.  Frankly, I don't blame you.  I make it a point to taste everything you have to eat...I think it's only fair...and those peas were terrible!  So far you really love most orange veggies, most fruits and green beans.

Well, most of the time.


You do a lot of silly things that make me laugh like try to eat my nose or my face, giggle when your Dad kisses your neck because his beard tickles, beat me up with your free hand while you're nursing, or rolling yourself up in your floor blanket.

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You also got to experience your first Christmas.  I think you had a lot of fun.  We certainly enjoyed watching you.  The magic of Christmas exists in children and it was such a joy to have you with us this year.  I'm so excited to share the real meaning of Christmas with you as you get older, and also watch the joy and excitement in your eyes for years to come.



Just before Christmas you started learning to sit up on your own.  The new Christmas toys helped you to keep your balance for a while there.  You seem to enjoy getting a new view of the world around you and will rarely lay down to play anymore.


This month also had it's difficulties.  You got sick for the first time with a cold and it totally threw you for a loop.  On top of the cold you were teething- which I didn't know until two little bottom teeth made their debut within a week of each other.  You traveled on a plane for the first time, followed immediately by a 5 hour car ride to a place you'd never seen to meet more new people...all while spending a whole week away from Daddy...something you've never done.  I know it was hard on you, but I want you to know that it meant everything to me to be there for your Great Grandpa's funeral.  I'm sad you never got to meet him.  He is one of my heroes and probably one of the strongest, most loving men I've ever known.  I will have endless stories to tell you about him as you grow up.  I know he's up there watching over us...and I know he loves you.  I also know you have a Great Grandma who was very glad to meet you...and even though you were uneasy at her house, I'm glad you let her snuggle you for at least a little bit before we left.  I don't get to see her nearly as often as I would like to.


One of your favorite pastimes, I think, is playing with Daddy.  I swear you save your biggest smiles and loudest belly laughs for him.  I'm glad you think he's so wonderful and love to see the relationship between you two blossom.  I know he loves you more than you will ever know.  Here's a funny example of the two of you:

I know you'll have many more fun memories with your Dad because, well, he's just awesome like that.  I love you very much, sweet pea.


Strange *updated

Tonight Zoe went to bed without a peep. Where most mothers would be rejoicing (it was very nice) I am worried. Zoe going to bed easily is NOT NORMAL. Especially after she slept most of the day and was pretty fussy all day. Anyway, I'm going to call the doc tomorrow to see what they have to say. Motherhood is all about guesswork, speculation, and the process of elimination. Maybe I'm overreacting and she was just sleepy. Maybe she's going through a growth spurt. Maybe a few nights of a modified cry-it-out method finally paid off and she learned that crying will not get her out of her crib. Maybe something is wrong and she is trying to let me know. And that right there is the reason we have a flex spending card.

* So, after a rough morning on my poor sister-in-law, and after Zoe having diarrhea and vomiting almost simultaneously, I went and picked her up. I had spoken with the nurse who didn't seem too concerned but I couldn't escape the feeling that I should take her to the doctor. After consulting Love and my sister-in-law, I decided to go ahead and take her. I'm SO glad I did as she has a double ear infection. Poor baby! So, we came home with ear drops and antibiotics and a promise from the doctor that she should be feeling better in 24-48 hours.

Resolutions for 2009

So, since I've been sick for over a week, I hope you'll forgive me for not posting sooner...and yes, I know I still owe you Zoe's six month post. Geez, does anyone else feel like the holidays totally throw you off and you can't reset your schedule until the end of January? Well I do.
Anyway, Love and I came up with our goals for the year and I thought I'd share mine here. Maybe we'll revisit them if I'm doing well periodically this year and pour out excuses share my progress.

In an effort to get back to the point of my blog- to find equipoise (a state of balance)- I tried to cover several areas with my resolutions. Here we go:

1. Find time to put myself first. Give myself the opportunity to be creative, musical, active, lazy, whatever. If I can't make time for me, I will lose myself.


3. Find a way to either quit or work from home.

4. Make the gospel a priority and focus on my spiritual side. Make time for prayer, for scriptures, for time to reflect and time to be quiet.


6. Find ways to be more organized at home. Create plans to keep up with the house without making it an impossible task. Always try to find ways to make things more efficient and less cluttered.

7. Cook at home more. I've been bad at this since we moved.

8. Stick to a budget. See number 2.

9. Worry less, do more.

10. Realize that sometimes playing with Zoe is more important than sweeping the floor. Spending quality time with Love is more important than fussing at him over the way he did something. Time passes quickly, take advantage of the minutes you have.

So that is it. Or at least that's all I'm going to put on paper. Yikes, now that it's all down it seems daunting. Well, one step at a time right?


I found this on Back to Me and decided to fill it out here. So, here goes:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Got in a serious car accident where our vehicle was totaled...while pregnant, lived with Gestational Diabetes, gave birth, learned to breastfeed, became a Mother, learned to love someone more than I ever though possible in an instant, learned (and still learning) to juggle motherhood, being a wife, being a housekeeper, working, and commuting, bought a house and probably several other things. This year has been full of newness.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Honestly, I don't really remember my new year's resolutions...or if I made any. I will be making some for 2009.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Several people I know. Especially my two best friends, and my two sisters-in-law.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Unfortunately my Grandfather, on my Mom's side, passed away on December 24th.

5. What countries did you visit? None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Enough money that I can stay at home with Zoe.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 8th- the day of the pregnant car crash, June 30th- the day Zoe was born, August 25th- the day I had to go back to work...the hardest day of my life to date, November 3rd- the day we signed papers for the house, November 8th- our first night in the house, and December 24th- the day my beloved Grandpa passed away.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a Mom and surviving all the changes.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not speaking up sooner about what motherhood had done to my identity, not asking for help sooner, and not ever finding equipoise- a state of balance.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I suffered minor injuries in our car crash in January. As far as illnesses I had gestational diabetes- is that considered an illness?- and a urinary tract infection...and some colds here and there. Fairly healthy year though, I guess.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My house.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My Mom's. I don't know how I could have possibly made it through the year without her. Also, my Dad and Grandmother helped us purchase our house. My husband's family and their willingness to help care for my daughter. My Boss for being so great about all the changes this year. Actually a lot of people were pretty awesome this year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A minimal few whom I do not want to name or discuss here.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Mostly hospital bills this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The day I held my healthy baby girl in my arms and watching her learn, grow, and develop. She is the light of my life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry because of all the controversy.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. The holidays were rough for our family this year. Last year I was pregnant and hopeful for the year to come.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner...but only slightly...I was about 14 weeks pregnant then.
c) richer or poorer? Much poorer. I cut my hours after coming back from Maternity Leave and also we have more debt now...working on that. But you know what? It's totally worth it!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Sleep.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worry/stress

20. How did you spend Christmas? We had Love's Sister and his Parents over on Christmas Eve and Love cooked a delicious dinner all by himself. Christmas morning Zoe opened presents with us and her Grandparents, we saw "Marley & Me" in theaters, then spent the rest of Christmas Day with Love's family. We spent the night at his parent's house because the snow was so bad.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Well, I'm constantly falling in love with Matt for various reasons. This year there were many as I watched him become a Father. Also I fell in love with Zoe...more than I ever thought possible.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Heroes

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I try really hard to never hate anyone. In fact, I have a very hard time holding a grudge. I find it easier on my soul to let things go.

24. What was the best book you read? "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. That book changed my life.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? That Zoe likes it when I sing. :) Just kidding, I am so stuck on her! No, this year I discovered Paramore and Ingrid Michaelson. There are probably more but those are my favorites.

26. What did you want and get? A beautiful, perfect, healthy baby.

27. What did you want and not get? To be a stay-at-home Mom.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Dark Knight

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26. I slept in, went to church, spent the evening with family, ate homemade chicken noodle soup, and received very thoughtful gifts from Love.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More time for myself- to do things that I enjoy, to work out, to play the flute or piano or sing, to go swing dancing...anything really.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Something comfortable with an expanding waistband for the first half of the year. Anything that fits, that I can wear to work, the second half of the year.

32. What kept you sane? An incredibly helpful and patient Husband/Father.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It's usually Angelina Jolie...and nothing's changed.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The economy.

35. Who did you miss? My friends. I have some that live far away that I miss all the time, some that I lost due to changes in our (or their) lives, and some that I just don't get to see as much as I used to. I also really missed my family way more than usual after Zoe was born. I hate that they don't get to be around her all the time.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Zoe

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I learned to find a way to enjoy your life no matter what. It passes too quickly to live in the past. Things will happen the way that they are intended to happen...not necessarily on your time. In the end you'll understand why so don't worry about that now. I will apply what I learned in 2009.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is our fate- Jason Mraz
My year has been full of the new. New people, new experiences, new love, new places, new discoveries, new learning experiences. I feel like I've lived in a whirlwind the whole year. In 2009 I hope to gain my footing again. I hope to find time to do more things I enjoy, get in better shape, be an amazing wife and mother, find a way to stay home with Zoe, and try to live more in the moment instead of putting things off. I hope to find equipoise in 2009. Care to join me?
Tomorrow night Love and I will be writing down our New Year's resolutions and I will post them here. I will also be posting Zoe's 6 month letter soon. Happy New Year!!!