Five Minute Friday: Full

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: Full

Go.

My days are full of the pitter-patter of little feet. Shrieks and giggle and silly jokes. Conversations with a little girl who speaks with words wiser than her years, but with the logic of a three-year-old. Ear to ear smiles from an almost one-year-old who's eyes could peirce your soul. Full of "mom", "mommy", "mama". Tears and tantrums and frustration. Endless energy and boundless joy and sadness.

No fear of what peope will think if they dance or sing in public. Talk to or smile at strangers. Enlist anyone nearby to help them. Say, "Of course!" when asked for help. No boundaries or walls exist for them. Repetition of games, songs, phrases. Trial and error.

I watch my kids as they go through every experience in life and see how they live it to the fullest. They aren't just sad, they are devastated. They aren't just happy, they are ecstatic. Laughter is loud and full. Able to find joy in seeing an ant or an airplane. Always observing the world around them.
Watching them brings a fullness to my soul. This is the way to live.

Stop.

What do you do to live life to the fullest??

Just Love Them

Since getting to New Mexico we have been staying with my sister, Nell, and her husband, Chad. I have really enjoyed the time with her! My sister's house is beautifully decorated. In other words, so not baby proof!

My girls have simultaneously loved and had a hard time here. We are all sharing one room, they can't touch "anything", Mommy didn't bring very many toys, and there's no place to play outside. On the other hand, Aunt Nell spoils them, they have free reign of our childhood barbie collection, they get lots of attention, and surprisingly they've done fairly well here.

On the other hand, their schedule has been thrown off so they aren't always getting enough sleep. (What is it about changing your environment that you can't seem to function quite right? Or is it just me?) Unfortunately, lack of sleep has led to clingy girls, attention hogging, whining, crying and temper tantrums. While these things are usually part of our day, it's not usually to this extent. Being the only parent here (Matt is still in Utah until Sunday) has been very taxing.

I have spent most of my days here frustrated with my girls. It's exhausting to constantly be clinged to, whined at, screamed at, and disrespected. Sometimes I almost want to cry when they get like this. My patience well is running so low I am actually feeling happy I have to work 8 hours today so I can get a break.

While all of this is quite a normal cycle in the life of a parent with young children, I started thinking tonight of the bigger picture.

I am here in New Mexico to support my younger sister, Kristin, and her husband, Cameron, as they were thrust into parenthood much earlier than expected. I've watched them brave the storm of the first few days when we weren't even sure their baby, Isabella, was going to make it. I've watched as each time they were faced with hard procedures or a difficult prognosis. I've watched as they got snippets of good news. I've watched as they fought and never gave up hope. They stayed strong and brave through all of it.


In the last few days things have really looked up. They finally got to hold their precious, tiny miracle, bathe her, feed her (through a feeding tube) and begin to look towards a future of taking her home.
I watched their weathered faces gradually brighten with hope and love and happiness in a situation that is still precarious, but stable for now. They love her with everything they have, want the very best for her, want her to be happy. Mostly, they are grateful every day that she is alive and here with them.

This is parenting at it's best.

And it took me back to the first time I held Zoe and Paige. It reminded me of all the promises I made to myself and to them in those first moments of parenthood. Especially the first time around when you go into it completely blind and find that parenting is all about learning as you go. When you think you won't make the same mistakes your parents, friends, and neighbors did.

People try to tell you how hard parenting can be. I've often said myself that parenting is the most frustrating, yet most rewarding thing I've ever done. Yet no one told me, and no one really could have put it into words, the day-to-day frustrations of parenting. Especially how it builds up.
When your kids are being difficult, it is sometimes hard to remember the pure joy of those first moments. It's hard to remember to find joy in the every day moments with them. It's hard to appreciate the sweet moments on the days where they are far and few between.

While I've been busy feeling frustrated with my children, Cameron and Kristin are grateful for another day with theirs. While I get annoyed with how clingy my girls are, they waited for days just to be able to hold Isabella. While I get tired of the whining, they are giddy over every movement and noise.

While I contemplated this, I thought to myself, "These are your most precious blessings! Your job is to love them, care for them, teach them and support them. NO MATTER WHAT!" Instantly I felt like I needed to reevaluate myself as a parent. Zoe and Paige are kids. They are allowed to be roller coasters of emotion. It is my job to be their solid ground, their cheerleader, and their teacher. Mostly I just need to show them as much love as I possibly can.

I love being Zoe and Paige's Mom. I am grateful for my girls. I do feel blessed to have them in my life. What needs to change is I need to show them that I feel this way. Show them my joy more and my frustration less. Use my calm voice more and my loud one less. Be more gentle and kind and patient (even when it seems impossible) so they will learn to be more gentle and kind and patient. I want to remember this time in our lives as a happy time and not a frustrated time.

The only way I know how to do this is to make the commitment today and make the better choice at every opportunity. I know I won't be perfect at it. But if I can do better every day, then we will be happier.

I knew the second I met her that Isabella would be an inspiration in my family. I knew she would have a lot to teach us. I didn't realized it would happen so quickly. Or that my little sister could be such an example to me. Your prayers and good thoughts for my family and for Isabella continue to be appreciated.

What challenges do you face in your life? Have you ever had an epiphany that made you want to change things? Leave me a comment! I love to hear from you.

A Miracle

I witnessed a miracle today. A gorgeous, 12.8 inch, 1 pound 14 ounce miracle. Her name is Isabella and she is my newest niece- and the very first for me on my side of the family. As I sat by her side and gently stroked her tiny feet, it was love at first sight.

She looks just like her Mom, my youngest sister, Kristin, who says she has her Dad's lips. As I sat and watched her tiny chest rise and fall I noticed her clenched fist looked an awful lot like mine. I smiled inwardly at this and laughed a while later when my Mom echoed that thought aloud. Only fitting, since my firstborn looked just like her Aunt Kristin at birth.

Speaking of Kristin, I am so proud of her. After all she's faced in the last two days she was calm and self assured when I finally got to see her. Already doing what Mommies do best: taking care of her little girl any way she can. Amazing how in one day, the little sister who I always had trouble accepting was old enough to be married, became a Mom. And, though she has been for a while, a woman in the eyes of an older sister who didn't want to believe she grew up. So much wisdom and bravery in her eyes.

And who could ask for a better Dad than Cameron? My Brother-in-law is a rock upon rocks. He is brave and strong and always keeps a clear head. Always there to support the people he loves. Someone you can count on. As he took me back to see her, I listened to him talking. It takes literally seconds to become a Father. Any man can be a Father. Cameron is a Dad.

Imagine finding out you're going to be a parent three months early! They have both stepped up to that role and I am so in awe of them. Isabella couldn't have come to better parents.

There has been miracle upon miracle in her life so far. She is a strong and special little girl. I can't wait to see what she does with this life of hers. I can't wait to see what she has to teach us. For now, she just needs to rest and grow.

I don't want to share too many details here. I don't want to take that privilege from her parents. I will say that your thoughts and prayers thus far seem to be working...and continue to ask for more.

I love you little Bella!

9 Months

Hello Miss Paige,

A couple weeks ago you turned 9 months old. It pains me a little to think all that time has passed. It seems like just yesterday that you were born. You were so tiny, helpless, and actually a fairly cranky baby. Now you are the complete opposite! You are my chunky, independent, carefree, blue-eyed beauty. I love to kiss your chubby cheeks and those eyelashes are to die for! You will probably get comments and compliments on your eyes for the rest of your life.



I wish I could explain to you what a blessing you have been to me- to our family. I couldn't have asked Heavenly Father for a more perfect baby to have while I've dealt with life since you were born. Our family fell apart and was mended and you went through almost all of it without any trouble. I want to apologize to you for not being the kind of Mom I wanted to be for you when you were so little. I wanted to spend hours playing with you on the floor and taking thousands of pictures like I did with your sister. Instead I played with you a little bit every day, fed you, took care of you and loved you as often as I could and you spent the rest of the time playing on the floor while I cried and tried to sort through the hard things. I have so much guilt that I carry with me for those few months of your life, but I pray that we still have a lot of time together and I hope I can make it up to you. I will forever be grateful to have you in my life and for how easy you were for me when times were hard.



You are my little sunbeam. Your eyes and your smile light up a room. You have learned to shake your head "yes" and "no", clap, wave, and keep your hands on the highchair tray when you are being fed. You are quite mobile using rolling and the "army crawl" to get around with little difficulty. You are starting to discover what "real food" tastes like and will vigorously shake your head "yes" when you like something. You love music and will dance if you hear it. You like to touch people's faces when you meet them, unless you are feeling shy. You love your sister and are always watching her to see what she'll do next- sometimes warily as she tends to be a little rough with you. You are tough! You'll fight back if you have to, get angry when someone takes something from you and aren't afraid to show it with a scream or a cry, and you'll even grab hold of a dog if it gets too close to you...and it won't bother you again! You have a funny low-pitched laugh and like to growl and "talk". Sometimes what you say sounds like words we like to think are "hi" "mumum" and "dad". You are sweet and special. I only wish I could know what thoughts you are having when I look into those big, blue eyes.



I hope you know just how much I- we- love you. I can't wait to see what you do next!

Love,

Mama

Happy Mother's Day

As we get older we start to realize that our Mother is actually one of the wisest people in our lives. She is the person who loves us the most in the world, who get us through our hurts- large and small, who builds us up and will always support us and love us. Today I am grateful for my Mother and the amazing example she is of motherhood and for all the advice she gives me.



I am also thankful for all the women in my life who are examples to me of what it means to be a woman. Most of all, I'm grateful to be a mother to two beautiful little girls. They bring me so much joy, teach me more than I thought possible, and are the greatest blessings in my life. I love my little family. To all the mothers, women, mother figures and everyone in between, Happy Mother's Day!

The Equipoise Family Grows!!

Paige was born at 2:47 am July 29th. She weighed in at 8lbs 5oz and is 22in long. She is a very strong little girl with a great set of pipes and very plump cheeks. We are all in love, including her big sister Zoe, and will be spending the next little bit enjoying her. I'll try to put up a few more pics soon!

Here we go again...

Today I called in to get the results of my glucose test. As expected, I do have gestational diabetes. :( While I was holding on to an ounce of hope that I wouldn't have to do this again, I was realistic and pretty much expected that I would. So, out comes all the diet info and so begins the multiple finger pricks a day. We're hoping to control it this time with diet and exercise so hopefully I won't have to give myself shots again, but we'll see. I'm also pretty anemic so I've been instructed to begin taking iron supplements twice a day. Hopefully that will give me a bit more energy. I have 11.5 weeks left until my due date. I can totally do this again. Right?

Warm Weather

Something about sunshine and warm weather makes me care less about cleaning or playing on the computer and care more about playing and soaking up the warmth! This is what we've been up to since I last posted:



Zoe's learning to dress (and, unfortunately, undress) herself


We had a little egg coloring party at our house the day before Easter


Zoe thought blue fingers might be fun


Zoe's reaction to seeing her Easter basket



Easter spoils


Success with pigtails!


Zoe LOVES to collect rocks


We've been to the park a few times


Zoe loves to swing. She says, "Again?", over and over and when we leave she can't stop telling me how much fun she had. She also really likes the slide.


Park Princess


Zoe likes to prop frog up to sit with her when she plays the piano

As you can see, we've had a fun couple of weeks so I hope you'll forgive my absence. Also, while I was away, we chose to name baby number two: Paige Alexis. I'm glad to finally have a name for her! So far the pregnancy seems to be going fine, though the warm weather has brought on a bit of early swelling and I'm starting to really "feel" pregnant, which makes getting through the day a bit more difficult but still manageable. Paige is definitely stretching and kicking her legs as much as she can. I'm now 23 weeks and 1 day into this pregnancy- it seems to be going so much faster this time around. Zoe is starting to grasp that there is a baby in there...at least I think so. She likes to kiss my tummy and she's felt Paige kick a couple times. I'm not sure that she knows what it actually was, but she was sure wide-eyed when she felt the movement. I'm enjoying all these sweet moments.

It's a...

GIRL! We must have a knack for making girls. We're excited for Zoe to have a sister/ playmate and also a little thrilled that we're already fairly prepared with girl-type items. Now we just have to try to figure out what to name her...and soon! Here are some pictures:



Her Face, you can see her chin right in the middle and her eye-sockets to the right



Profile picture: love her cute little nose!



Her feet, so cute!

Long Weekend

Friday morning found me early as Love was bustling around our room getting ready to leave for breakfast before work. He kissed me goodbye and I got up to go to the bathroom. Once there I realized I was having vaginal bleeding and rushed downstairs to catch him before he left. With shaking hands I called the doctor on call and reached the answering service who said they would page him. I crawled into bed next to Love to wait for a call back as alternating thoughts of hope and graphic miscarriage played in my head. He held my hand but we said nothing, afraid of our emotions...afraid to speculate. After about 40 minutes of this, I decided I couldn't just let those thoughts have me and went and took a shower. After an hour passed by I called the doctor back to discover that it was now my doctor on call and the other doctor hadn't bothered to call me back. They paged my doctor and he called me in two minutes. My only hopeful sign was that I didn't have any cramping so my doctor told me to come in right when they opened and they would do an ultrasound to check on the baby. We got Zoe up and got out the door saying little to each other, but trying to act normal for her sake. My blessed in-laws were called and asked if they would watch Zoe and of course they said they would. What would we do without them?

We got to the hospital and sat for a short while in the waiting room until they called us back. They took us straight to the ultrasound room and I was instructed to lay on the table. I tried to calm my heart as I braced myself for bad news. When the technician found the baby it was really still, which was alarming. The last time I saw that little one it looked like a peanut. Now it looked like a baby and it wasn't moving. Suddenly the baby kicked just as the tech pointed to the heartbeat. She turned on the sound and we heard the most beautiful, quick little heartbeat. Tears sprang to my eyes as I reached for Love's hand and saw that he was crying too. She checked the baby's length and it was right where it should be. Feeling relieved we let her explore to find the source of the bleeding as we watched our baby kicking around. She discovered a small separation of the placenta from the uterus and explained that was the source of the bleeding. Surprisingly this is fairly common, and we were told our separation was tiny. We were given a couple pictures and told to go to the waiting room until my doctor could speak with us. The doctor confirmed what the nurse said, told me to take it easy for a few days and it should heal on it's own. Also, not to do anything strenuous for a week to ten days. We left feeling so much lighter than we did as we walked in. I walked in thinking it was the end of a pregnancy and walked out relieved and happy to have caught a glimpse of the baby growing inside of me. I spent the rest of the day resting at my in-laws' home and the rest of the weekend taking it easy as Love took charge of Zoe and the house and let me rest.

I'm feeling much better today, though I've been reminded just how fragile life can be...and what a miracle each child is in our lives. I'm hopeful that we'll get through this pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby in six months. I keep praying we will, anyway.

The Coveted Coke With Lime

Today marks 14 weeks into this pregnancy and I woke up feeling the worst I have in weeks. This doesn't bode well for the supposed break from nausea in the second trimester. Still, I will hold out hope. I had to take the evil glucose test- where they make you drink the orange drink- at my last appointment. It made me feel like I was on speed (not that I really know what being on speed feels like but I would imagine it would be something like that). I didn't have that feeling when I took the test with Zoe so I'm not sure what that means. I haven't heard back yet on the result. I'm pretty much counting on having gestational diabetes again though. I figure if it turns out that I don't have it, I'll be happy about it of course, but if I do, then I expected it so no big deal. I will admit to indulging in several guilty pleasures this week just in case I have to do without them for several months. I was thinking the other day about this thought I used to have as a young girl. I'd see these women in hospital gowns sitting outside the women's center in wheelchairs smoking and I'd think to myself, "Why, after giving it up for so many months, would they go right back to it?" I spent a few years as a smoker- which of course makes me a hypocrite to my younger self- and I still didn't understand it. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Zoe and having to deal with gestational diabetes that it came to me. Every time I had to say no to that roll, the sweet cream ice cream with raspberries, one too many grapes, or the decadent chocolate cake, I would say to myself, "Just a few more weeks and you can have it back." At the time, Coke with lime was my ambrosia- if you will- and my mantra was, "This sucks but as soon as this baby comes I'm going to have a giant Coke with lime!" Those women probably spent their whole pregnancy avoiding cigarettes by telling themselves, "As soon as the baby comes you can have one." It's sad, really, but it does get you through.

Now, being on a diabetes diet did wonders for my weight gain. I lost all of my pregnancy weight within 10 days of Zoe's birth. I didn't feel weighed down by the food I ate, I didn't have problems with constipation, upset stomach, or many of those common pregnancy symptoms while on that diet, but it was hard! I had to plan every meal. I had to know how many carbs was in everything I ate. I could only have a specific amount of carbs for each meal and each snack. I had to know that there was about 1 gram of carbs per grape. Worse, when I was hungry I wanted to eat "right now" not have to prepare something. Not only was the planning and the patience hard, but it was rough on our wallet. Protein and produce is much more expensive than boxed snacks and pasta.

Then came the time when dieting and "exercising" wasn't enough to keep my sugar levels in check and they made me start taking insulin. I am afraid of needles and every day I had to "pinch an inch" on my sides and inject myself with insulin. I cried the day they told me, not just because of the needles, but because I felt I had failed. The whole time I was dealing with diabetes I was thinking, "I'm not really that out of shape, I'm not overweight, I'm not a health-nut but I watch my portions and I don't eat a ton of junk food, why am I even dealing with this?" I felt I had failed my body by not taking care of it the way I was supposed to. I swore that I would live healthier going forward.

When it was all over I did keep up with many of the principles of the diabetes diet...but as Zoe had gotten older and my life has become more busy, I have become lazy. It's so much easier to eat a hot dog with her than try to make myself a salad (not that she actually eats a lot of hot dogs...she probably has a much more balanced diet than I do). I'm home a lot more now so I'll get hungry and get a snack. I live in the middle of nowhere and, since winter hit, I haven't really done much in the way of exercise. As we speak, I'm staring gestational diabetes in the face and eating a dove chocolate. Apparently I have learned nothing. Because no matter what, I love sweets, I like carbs, and yes I try to balance them with proteins and fresh veggies, but I fail a lot of the time. I'm sorry, but Coke with lime is delicious! If I have gestational diabetes again, I will certainly do everything I can to keep myself and this baby healthy...just like I did with Zoe. I may have an opportunity to use a treadmill soon, and I bought a pregnancy yoga video...took me longer than I planned. I have the desire to be more healthy. If I can't escape gestational diabetes this time, maybe I can become more healthy and beat it next time...or at least avoid getting type 2 diabetes later in life. Maybe this time some habits will stick. I hope they do.

Announcing...

Baby number 2 in the Equipoise family! I'm about 9.5 weeks along. We started out a bit rocky with some bleeding and a whole lot of taking it easy, but things seem to be progressing well now. I am a lot more sick with this one. Some speculate that this could mean a boy. I just hope for a healthy baby. I'm sorry for my long silence but, between this and other things that have been going on, I just didn't have much to say. We're praying that all goes well with this pregnancy and that August presents us with a happy, healthy little soul to bless our family. Not feeling well has made it difficult to do much more than what's required of me, but I promise to post more often. Thanks for sticking around!



First shot of our "big gummy bear" according to the Doc. :)

P.S. Funny little tidbit. Since it only took us 4 months this time the Doc said, "Hey, you're like a normal couple now!" I sure hope so.

Screws, Pain, and Fatigue

Wow, it's been a few days huh? Well, I did go see the doctor on Thursday. After a significant amount of poking and prodding (which made my semi-pain-free arm hurt enormously), me worrying that I didn't know if I was pregnant or not this month (ha!) and an x-ray wearing double lead and sitting as far away from the x-ray table as my arm would allow...we know exactly nothing. The one screw that is bothering me seems to be slightly unaligned with the rest, but not enough to tell if it is actually loose. So, right now, I'm just waiting. The doctor wants to see if maybe it was hit and is just inflamed, or if it is actually coming loose. I have an appointment for a month from now, which I will keep if the pain persists. As of now, my arm actually feels fine most of the time. Let's all hope it stays that way...at least until after summer.

My three major Monday complaints are:

* I woke up with a stomach ache AGAIN this morning. What is up with that?

* I had a relaxing, boring weekend. Why am I so freakin tired?

* Work

Let's all just get through today huh?

P.S. I haven't had one spare moment of time lately to go on a picture hunt for my header...please be patient with me! :-)

Equipoise Beginnings Part One

My goodness! It's like pulling teeth to get on here this week! (Not that I have ever actually pulled teeth, but it sounds hard.) I have just been a little crazy lately, sorry for my absence.

I fear I may have scared a few people by my- slightly- crazy post on Tuesday. I just want you all to know...I'm doing much better. Tuesday was a rough, frustrating day and I'm afraid I took it out on you, dear readers. I did feel a whole lot better afterward though...

In other news, today SHOULD be CD1. Not a single red drop so far, so let's all keep our fingers crossed huh? In my pessimistic and hopeless nature though, I did come prepared for...well anything. I'll keep you posted on this one.

Love is going on an overnight camping/ paint ball trip with family and friends (just the boys) and I am left home. It's funny how much you miss your hubby when he's not at home. I took him to work this morning and felt a little sad knowing I wouldn't see him until tomorrow afternoon. It seems a little silly because we've been apart for longer periods than that, but I did, just the same. In fact, now that I think about it, we've been apart a lot in our 3 1/2 year marriage.

We met in August 2003- and when I say met, I mean started dating, as we were friends for quite a long time before. (Actually, he dated my sister for a brief 2 months in high school, but that's another story.) I was working as a server for Red Robin at the time and his family came in to eat.  I recognized him and gave him a big hug. I took their table and got their food. Soon, everyone left. A few minutes later, Love came strolling back in saying he'd lost his car key. So, I started to help him look for it. After looking for a while, I asked if he'd looked in his car. He said he'd looked all over inside (funny because it was a Jetta and you can't get into it without the key because it locks on its own- but I didn't know that at the time). Finally, he went back out and "looked" and came back shortly, key in hand. Apparently, it took him all this time to summon the courage to ask me out. I told him yes. That was the beginning.

After dating for about 2 months, we were engaged, here in Salt Lake City, in front of the Salt Lake Temple. We planned to get married in June 2004. In November, he went off to Jackson, SC for basic training for the Army (our first separation). I was living with his parents at the time (moved there when a gas line broke at my apartments and we didn't have heat or hot water for two months...and they still wanted full rent). He was gone for 4-5 weeks and we wrote each other letters and cried a lot. He came home on December 20th (day before my birthday) for two weeks over the Christmas holiday. We spent Christmas with my family. As we talked more and more we decided maybe it would be best to get married while he was home. (For financial reasons, and a couple we'll discuss later.) Finally, after a lot of discussion we decided to go ahead with it. This was decided Sunday December 28th. That night we took his parents over to my parents' house to tell them we wanted to get married on the 30th. (Yes, two days later.) Unfortunately, well, let's just say they didn't take it very well. In two days I got the day off work, a dress, a cake, secured someone to marry us, got a few decorations, and called family- at least half thought I was pregnant- so they could come. It was a very nice little ceremony. My mom started speaking to me again about 2 hours before the wedding and my dad decided (seconds before I was to walk) that he would, in fact, walk me down the aisle and give me away. Afterward, we shoved cake in each other's faces, mingled with our guests, took a few pictures, and we were off to a hotel for the night- courtesy of Love's parents.

Our wedding night was great except I got sick with pink eye and strep throat and didn't sleep a wink. The next morning I got up and went to work. Three days later, Love went back to basic training, leaving me behind in New Mexico until February 8th. (The second time we were apart.) To be continued...

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

i am feeling...lost? no, that is not the right word...i am not lost, i am uncertain...about, well, everything. my mind is filled with questions. where am i going? what am i doing? what am i waiting for? why can't i just LIVE and let the pregnancy thing be? why am i SO FREAKIN FOCUSED on having a baby that i can't justify an early morning jog because i might hurt a potential pregnancy? what if i never become pregnant (heaven forbid) and i spend years living in limbo? what if i find myself five years down the road without a child in my arms, having gained 20 more pounds than the 30 i've put on the last few years? what if i'm still sitting on the couch channel surfing and watching my life drift slowly by as i wave it away like a fly? how can i keep justifying my laziness? so many questions and no easy answers. couple that with the fact that my body can't decide what it wants to do.

did you know i started bleeding last tuesday? ten days before i was supposed to? then i stopped on friday and not a drop since. what does that mean? am i pregnant? am i just freaking out? am i so damn stressed out that my body is signaling it's had enough? and how come i never noticed that my breast are tender near cycle day one before i started trying? why did it take me six months to figure that out so i didn't think it was a sign of pregnancy? how's a girl supposed to figure all this out on her own?

here's a thought. how about we take all the crack addicts that get pregnant and throw children away like trash...and place those babies in the wombs of the women who have good homes, who ache to hold their child in their arms? i am dizzy with the thoughts swimming around in my head. wondering how much longer i can hold it in. wondering what it's going to take to push me over the edge. what is going to break this calm i've been feeling? do you find it sad that i almost expect the bleeding to come? do you know how to break hope? do you know how to get it back?

i am uncertain about life, about where this path will lead me. i am uncertain whether we'll ever have enough money for a house, if we'll ever be out of debt. i am worried about my job, how much longer i can do it...what it will take for me to focus. i am hoping that Matt likes his new job and that it will take him far. far enough that i can quit working, be a stay at home mom like i've always wanted, do some of the things i truly love and never have time for...that is if i can just get over this hurdle mountain- that stands between me and motherhood. i would love any advice...any answers to my questions...anyone in my shoes.

Title is a quote by: John Wooden

Less Than Hopeful

I am feeling a little apprehensive. I do not know yet if I'm pregnant. I won't know until sometime between June 1st and June 4th. Why the 3 day range? I miscalculated CD1 as suspected. I thought had it all figured out until I took an ovulation test and discovered my LH surge was happening 3 days earlier than expected. Do you know what else this means? It means I did the HSG test on CD11 instead of during the CD7-CD10 window. I don't know if that's really bad or not, but it doesn't make me happy. All of this, along with the fact that my boobs hurt again (which means exactly nothing), leaves me feeling a bit like I've spun out of control. Being the control freak I am...well I'm sure you can imagine. These factors also leave me feeling like this isn't THE month...again. Well, I guess I kind of always feel like that...probably so I don't have to feel any emotion when it isn't.

Which brings me to my next cause of stress. If I am not pregnant this month, I have to decide between doing the test or the procedure- for which I am unsure if I have the money- or decide to try naturally for one to a few more months. Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I'm lost and my emotions are only leading me a thousand different directions. I didn't think it would be this hard to decide...but how do you make that leap from natural to assisted? I thought what I wanted was a solution...but the more I think about it, the more doubts and fears I have about jumping. I just wish, for once, that SOMETHING would be easy. I guess all I can do now is wait, and hope that either this is THE month, or that I will find peace with at least one option. I need your advice friends!

A Few Good Things

As I mentioned yesterday, the HSG test results came out normal. Now that the cramps have subsided, I can let myself be happy about the normal result. (Yay!) Where to next? I don't know, but I have the nurse working on it for me. Still feeling a little violated, there just something not right about having fluid forced (very painfully) through your fallopian tubes. The hard part is over and now I can hope that I'm part of that 15% of couples who get pregnant one to two months after this procedure.

Matt was wonderful to me the whole day. I felt just terrible and was curled up in bed/ on the couch most of the day. He went grocery shopping, brought me lunch, cleaned then entire house, did laundry and took great care of me through all of it. I just love him!
In non-baby news, Matt had a 3rd interview for a new job (and a great pay raise) this morning and he was offered the job!!!! I am ecstatic! Today is a wonderful day!
***Doctor just called and said that at this point, the only thing not normal was the viscosity (stickyness) of Love's little swimmers. Here are our options:
1) Get sample and do a sperm wash and and place the sperm into the uterus- called IUI- (we can do this up to 3 times)
2) Hamster egg penetration test- called a Sperm Penetration Assay or SPA- (yes I did a double take too). Basically they take a sperm sample and place it with hamster eggs to test how well (or if at all) the sperm penetrate the eggs. If they can't penetrate I guess they have a way of enhancing the sperm to help them out.
We can choose which test to do first. If any of you have had either of these procedures done, can you tell me about it? Either comment or send me an e-mail. (findingequipoise@gmail.com) I am concerned about cost, about pain, success rate, procedure, etc. Thank you!

OUCH!

I hate cramping! Expecially my cramping. I always feel nauseous and helpless and I can't find a good temperature. Cool air gives me chills, hot air makes me nauseous. That pretty much covers how I felt on the way home from my appointment this morning. (I couldn't help thinking, if this car ride feels this long now, what will it be like during labor?) SO glad I took the whole day off.
The test itself went exactly as I thought, though the radiologist didn't seem too concerned that my "whole world" was open for viewing to him and the nurse the whole time. I guess they don't feel the need to cover me up whenever possible... The good news is that everything looks perfectly normal. That news makes Monday not seem so bad. What makes Monday bad is all this cramping...I feel so strange. Oh well, things are normal and tomorrow is another day.

Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day, for me, was filled with hope and excitement that I would soon be a mother. Now, the thought of today brings little twinges of pain to my heart. Instead of focusing on the pain, I want to tell you all a bit about MY mother.
My Mom is my best friend. I can't tell you how many fights and disagreements we had before we got to the "friend" point, but now that we're here, I am so very grateful. I am thankful that I can call her up and tell her about everything going on in my life and she'll listen and offer advice as needed. My Mother is a beacon of light to those around her. She is a guide to those who want to follow her example. She is such an amazingly GOOD person, and is loved my so many, but mostly by her children.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful childhood. I had a mother who wasn't afraid to get down on the floor and play with us. She was never afraid to be silly with us- even in public. She was never too busy to listen to what we had to say, and could understand our words even if all 5 of us spoke at once. She loved to teach us to do things. She was a real handywoman. It was not uncommon to come home and find her building a wall, repairing something, or taking on a new task most women would make their husbands do. She was always busy cooking, keeping the house, running us all over town, and tackling literal MOUNTAINS of laundry, but I always remember when I needed her, she was there.
She taught me to be self reliant. To figure things out on my own. She wanted us to be strong and to know how to do lots of different things, be it cooking, sewing, building, repairing walls, cleaning- her idea of clean not ours :)- grooming, or being selfless/ kind to others. Yet, she knew the world would continue to grow worse and taught us to have strong morals and values, but to never judge others. She knew we would have hard times in life and taught us to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer when we couldn't do it alone.
She is strong. She has been through many hard times. We lost our baby sister three hours after birth several years ago. It was hard for us kids, but I can only imagine the loss my Mother and Father felt that day, and even now. I haven't had the chance to experience pregnancy, yet, but I know that the connection between mother and baby is strong during those nine months and the love is instantaneous. My mother's heart broke that day, and she had a long period of time where she felt nothing but heartache. To see her come out of it, or to just try and be strong enough for us kids, taught me that I can get through anything. That it's ok to cry sometimes. It's ok to grieve sometimes. It's ok to let go sometimes...
She is an AMAZING woman. She is beautiful and kind, tender and loving, strong and determined. She is shy, but has never hesitated to speak out to protect her children or her values. She does not have a "career", but fulfills the work of raising her children well and passing on her talents and helping develp ours. She is a supportive wife and mother, constantly giving of herself without losing the amazing person that she is. She taught us a love for music and art, something that I cherish to this day. She did and still does all of this, her only compensation being the love of her family- I hope we can give back enough.
Today, on Mother's Day, I want to tell her THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with my rebellious years, thank you for brushing off those terrible things I said to you, thank you for seeing through my hard shell and finding the soft parts of my soul. Thank you for loving me no matter what, for being the kind of mom they write books about. Thank you for being you. Thank you for finding spaces of time in your very busy life even now to talk to me. Thank you for loving my Husband as your son, and for praying for us through both the good and hard times. Thank you for the mother you will always be for me and the mother that you are to my siblings. I know that when I have kids, you will have so much still to teach them, and so much wisdom in motherhood to pass on to me- yes, I will be calling. Thank you Mommy, for everything. I love you!
To all those women who are mothers, who will be mothers, who want desperately to be mothers, to the aunts and grandmothers, to the fathers who are mothers too, to you young girls that will be mothers someday, Happy Mothers Day!

On The Calendar

O.K. I started (for sure this time) today. I know because my insides are seemingly, or quite literally, RIPPING out. I know I said I started friday, but I didn't really start until today. Are you confused? I am. My body is a trickster- and a cruel one at that- what can I say really??? I called the Doctor today, my HSG is scheduled for next monday, the 14th, at 10 am. (I took the whole day off.)