How Do You Fill Your Bucket?

I always thought I had to lose myself in Motherhood.

Don't get me wrong, in a lot of ways, we do.  The hours, the demands, the putting another person's interests before your own and so many other facets of motherhood, it changes you.  But when I became a mother I found that completely losing myself didn't work for me. In fact, it didn't work for my kids either.
 

I spent my first year of motherhood completely devoted to my Zoe.  When you have a newborn this is necessary in a lot of ways. They are completely dependent on you.  As they hit milestones they look to you to navigate them through rolling over, crawling, walking, eating, and playing. Not to mention it had taken us over two years to conceive her.  She was my sole focus in life before she ever even existed here on earth.  So I gave her my time.  Matt and I almost never went on dates or she would often come with us if we did. He was not my focus, let alone me.

After the first year I started to feel human again. I was done nursing, I started showering in the mornings again instead of whenever I could find a minute, I tried to get out of the house more.  Yet my days were still centered around Zoe's nap schedule. Life was still all about her. Then I got pregnant with Paige.

My second pregnancy was completely different from my first. I was down and out. If I was upright I was unbearably nauseous. Plus I had to take care of a 16 month old and still work. I was exhausted all the time. I felt like I could barely function.  As the pregnancy progressed, things got a bit easier, but it was a hard pregnancy and by the end of it, I was so completely done.

When Paige was born, I made her my world again. At the expense of Zoe and my marriage and especially myself.  She was a very sleepy baby, but only during the day. At night she was hard to get to sleep. Plus, she had acid reflux like her sister- making life with a baby and a two year old even harder. At the time, I was in survival mode. I felt I was barely hanging on, but I made it through the days and we found a routine.
 

Two months later my marriage fell apart.  

Now, there were many reasons for this, but what it really boiled down to was that we had not nurtured our relationship in a very long time and communication was not something we had worked at.  He had his faults and I had mine.  To say it was a difficult time is a massive understatement.  I was broken and in pain.
 

Almost overnight I became a single Mom with two small children and a job. I would stay up late at night and examine myself and my life.  I lost a lot of weight in a very short time.  As I stared into the mirror at the face that then looked so much like the face of my youth I realized I had no idea who I was anymore.  I was so lost in motherhood and in my image of myself as a wife that I had forgotten to hang on to the things that made me who I was.  My kids didn't know how much I loved music and writing.  Zoe had such a hard time gaining a sister because I had made her my whole world until that wasn't possible anymore.  I had given my family everything I had except what they really needed: Me.

It was at that moment that I discovered the most important lesson I have learned so far:

Motherhood doesn't require us to give up who we are.

So I made some immediate changes.  I started doing things that made me feel like myself.  Things I enjoyed.  I shared them with my children.  I let them hear me sing aloud in the house and play the piano.  I pulled out my flute.  I started writing again.  I thought for so long that doing these things, taking "time away from them" to do things I loved would be selfish.  I learned that our children need to see who we are.  They need to see what makes us special. 

Our children were sent to us for a reason.  We have talents and gifts that are best suited towards raising them to be the best people they can be.  Putting aside things we love, losing ourselves in our children, not remembering to care for ourselves is not a service to them or to us.  How will we raise them to have self confidence, to love who they are, to believe that they can be anyone or anything they choose to be if we don't set the example?

Matt and I fixed our marriage.  We learned the hard way what happens when a relationship isn't properly nourished.  We learned to communicate and to help each other become our best selves.  We learned that the best thing we can do for our kids together is provide them the stability and example of a good marriage.  Similarly, we must properly nourish ourselves so we don't fall apart.

The last few years I have explored this concept further.  I started running and got into fitness and healthy eating and really started paying attention to my body and my spirit.  I now know that in order to give my kids my best self, I have to take care of me, too. 

I have learned more about myself.  I know that I need to recharge after being around a lot of people.  I know that my temper is triggered by lack of sleep, stress, and feeling rushed.  I know that I feel more powerful and in control when I get a workout in every day- not to mention the endorphins, energy and the stress relief that gives me.  I know that when I provide my body with good food I have the energy to accomplish my tasks AND give my kids what they need from me.  I know that too much sugar makes my emotions less stable.  I know that reading scriptures, saying prayers, and allowing myself moments of silence throughout the day helps me to get my mind, body and spirit working together and in the right place.  I know that some days I just need to curl up with a good book, do yoga, write, or get in a good, mind-cleansing run.

Knowing all these things doesn't help me to be perfect, but it does help me to be a better Mother, wife, and person.

I look at it this way.  I have a bucket.  From this bucket I give my kids love, basic care, a listening ear, playtime, taxi service, help with homework as well as trying to teach them to love our Heavenly Father and be kind human beings.  Also from this bucket I love and support my husband and give him what he needs from me.  The bucket provides the means to fulfill responsibilities to my job and in my home.  It is where I find my ability to fulfill my church callings and my ability to serve others.  The bucket is how I remember to nurture the important relationships in my life.  Or do necessary things like buy the groceries and pay the bills.  The bucket allows me to do everything I need to do in my life.  If that bucket is empty, how can I possibly accomplish all these things?  I have to fill up that bucket regularly if I am going to keep using it.

My little world needs that bucket...and that bucket is ME! 

I am not saying that we should be selfish.  I am not saying to ignore your baby's screaming to finish a workout.  I am not saying to lock yourself in your room with a book for a whole day and let your toddler run freely.  Or that being a devoted Mom is a bad thing.  I am not saying that a newborn baby doesn't take every ounce of time and energy you have.  I am not telling you to exercise!  I am not saying you aren't enough because you ARE!

I am just suggesting that by taking better care of ourselves, perhaps we learn to better care for others.  Or, at least, we offer the best of what we have. There will come a time as a person, a wife, a mother, a parent, a friend, or even an employee that you will feel depleted.  You will feel like you can't stay upright, you cannot give another ounce, you cannot take another step, lift another finger.  Your bucket will be empty or close to it.  When that time comes you will need to know who you are and what you need to do to keep going. 

How do you fill your bucket?



 

Our Beginnings Part One

(Since I'm moving posts over I thought it would be fun to do a sort of "Blast from the Past."  This is a three-part overview of how we met and our early years.  I have edited out some infertility content.  The full original post can be found in the archives.  This was originally posted on June 1, 2007.)

Matt is going on an overnight camping/ paint ball trip with family and friends (just the boys) and I am left home. It's funny how much you miss your hubby when he's not at home. I took him to work this morning and felt a little sad knowing I wouldn't see him until tomorrow afternoon. It seems a little silly because we've been apart for longer periods than that, but I did, just the same. In fact, now that I think about it, we've been apart a lot in our 3 1/2 year marriage.

We met in August 2003- and when I say met, I mean started dating, as we were friends for quite a long time before. (Actually, he dated my sister for a brief 2 months in high school, but that's another story.) I was working as a server for Red Robin at the time and he and his family came in to eat.  I recognized him and gave him a big hug. I took their table, even though it wasn't one of mine and got their food. 

After everyone left, Matt came strolling back in saying he'd lost his car key. So, I started to help him look for it. After looking for a while, I asked if he'd looked in his car. He said he'd looked all over inside (funny because it was a Jetta and you can't get into it without the key because it locks on its own- but I didn't know that at the time). Finally, he went back out and "looked" and came back shortly, key in hand. Apparently, it took him all this time to summon the courage to ask me out. I told him "yes". That was the beginning.

After dating for about 2 months, we were engaged, here in Salt Lake City, in front of the Salt Lake Temple. We planned to get married in June 2004. In November, he went off to Jackson, SC for basic training for the Army (our first separation). I was living with his parents at the time (moved there when a gas line broke at my apartments and we didn't have heat or hot water for two months...and they still wanted full rent). He was gone for 4-5 weeks and we wrote each other letters and cried a lot.

He came home on December 20th (day before my birthday) for two weeks over the Christmas holiday. We spent Christmas with my family. As we talked more and more we decided maybe it would be best to get married while he was home. (For financial reasons, and a couple we'll discuss later.) Finally, after a lot of discussion we decided to go ahead with it. This was decided Sunday December 28th. That night we took his parents over to my parents' house to tell them we wanted to get married on the 30th. (Yes, two days later.)

Unfortunately, well, let's just say they didn't take it very well. In two days I got the day off work, a dress, a cake, secured someone to marry us, got a few decorations, and called family- at least half thought I was pregnant- so they could come. It was a very nice little ceremony. My mom started speaking to me again about 2 hours before the wedding and my dad decided (seconds before I was to walk) that he would, in fact, walk me down the aisle and give me away. Afterward, we shoved cake in each other's faces, mingled with our guests, took a few pictures, and we were off to a hotel for the night- courtesy of Matt's parents.

Our wedding night was great except I got sick with pink eye and strep throat and didn't sleep a wink. The next morning I got up and went to work. Three days later, Matt went back to basic training, leaving me behind in New Mexico until February 8th. (The second time we were apart.) To be continued...

Check back tomorrow for the second installment!

Five Minute Friday: Loss

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Go.

I have lost several people in my life. I lost my sister three hours into her life at age 12. I lost both my Grandfathers in the same year. But the hardest loss I have EVER had to deal with was the (now temporary) loss of my husband.

I am finally ready to talk about what I went through. I choose to do it here where I can do it once, and quickly. Like ripping off a bandaid.

The loss of the person you were supposed to spend your life with is the worst thing I have felt or could ever imagine. It is a physical, emotional, mental, draining loss. A loss that make you unable to breathe. A loss that makes you want to puke. A loss that doesn't let you eat. A loss that causes you to drop 30 pounds in a month.

It is a loss that makes you cry until there are no tears left. A loss that keeps you dry sobbing when the tears are gone.

It is a loss of the future. Of all your plans. A place of chopped up memories.

It is the inability to answer the questions of your little ones who don't understand the complexities of life. Just that they want their Dad to be at home where he has always been.

It is the inability to know what to do with seven years of memories in picture and memento form that you shoved in a box "for now".

It is the kind of loss that makes you feel like if they had died it would have been slightly easier. Just because you know they left you without choice and left loving you.

It is a loss that makes you feel small and unwanted and not enough. A loss that is often filled with too many unanswered questions.

A loss that feels too great to bear as you care for two small children. Knowing if your children weren't there to care for you probably wouldn't bother moving from your bed.

It is sleeping, eating, breathing, dreaming thoughts of one person. It is dreams of reunion and waking to an empty bed and instant tears.

It is the worst thing that has EVER happened to me. And now it is over.

I am grateful for this loss. For the strength it gave me and for everything I learned. Because, in the end, what we found was love and forgiveness. And that is all we need.

Stop.

Ok, so I wasn't able to stop in five minutes. The Gypsy Mama herself didn't today so I hope that's ok for me too. Not editing, just posting. Breathe...

A Miracle

I witnessed a miracle today. A gorgeous, 12.8 inch, 1 pound 14 ounce miracle. Her name is Isabella and she is my newest niece- and the very first for me on my side of the family. As I sat by her side and gently stroked her tiny feet, it was love at first sight.

She looks just like her Mom, my youngest sister, Kristin, who says she has her Dad's lips. As I sat and watched her tiny chest rise and fall I noticed her clenched fist looked an awful lot like mine. I smiled inwardly at this and laughed a while later when my Mom echoed that thought aloud. Only fitting, since my firstborn looked just like her Aunt Kristin at birth.

Speaking of Kristin, I am so proud of her. After all she's faced in the last two days she was calm and self assured when I finally got to see her. Already doing what Mommies do best: taking care of her little girl any way she can. Amazing how in one day, the little sister who I always had trouble accepting was old enough to be married, became a Mom. And, though she has been for a while, a woman in the eyes of an older sister who didn't want to believe she grew up. So much wisdom and bravery in her eyes.

And who could ask for a better Dad than Cameron? My Brother-in-law is a rock upon rocks. He is brave and strong and always keeps a clear head. Always there to support the people he loves. Someone you can count on. As he took me back to see her, I listened to him talking. It takes literally seconds to become a Father. Any man can be a Father. Cameron is a Dad.

Imagine finding out you're going to be a parent three months early! They have both stepped up to that role and I am so in awe of them. Isabella couldn't have come to better parents.

There has been miracle upon miracle in her life so far. She is a strong and special little girl. I can't wait to see what she does with this life of hers. I can't wait to see what she has to teach us. For now, she just needs to rest and grow.

I don't want to share too many details here. I don't want to take that privilege from her parents. I will say that your thoughts and prayers thus far seem to be working...and continue to ask for more.

I love you little Bella!

Five Minute Friday: Grateful

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Go.

I am finding it difficult to put into words all the things I am grateful for...especially in five minutes. So I'm going with the list option.

I'm grateful for Love.

Grateful for my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ.

Grateful for Matt. Especially for having a second chance to have him in my life as my husband.

Grateful for Zoe. For how often she makes me laugh. For her testing my patience and making it stronger. For her beautiful, infectious smile and her singing.

Grateful for Paige. For her big beautiful eyes that seem to light up over everything. For how easy-going she is and how much she seems to really enjoy life.

Grateful for family visits. My Mom was recently in town with my little brother. It was so nice to have them here. She always does so much for us. I hope she knows how grateful we are for that.
Grateful for my family and friends. For all the love and support they freely give us. For the smiles, the laughter, the company and everything else.

Grateful for my home, my job, Matt's job. The fact that I am able to adequately provide for my family. We may not have everything we want, but we always have everything we need.

Grateful for this blog. For a place I can express myself, no matter who I am that day. And for people who are willing to read and comment and be part of my life.

Last, I am grateful for this opportunity to see all that I have to be grateful for. It's humbling.

Stop.

I could have gone on forever! Today's prompt is fabulous! What are you grateful for? Leave me a comment!

What Divorce Taught Me About Marriage

As I have hinted here in a few posts, Matt and I went through a very rough time during the second half of last year. Our marriage disintegrated before my eyes, completely out of the blue, he left, and eventually we were divorced. A couple months later we decided to work things out and got remarried. At some point I will write what I can about those few months, but today I want to talk about part of the reason that we traveled that road.

Make Loving You Easier

For nearly seven years we lived comfortably in the cocoon of this thought: "He/she will love me no matter what." This is not an uncommon thought to have in marriage. Certainly, we should feel that way about our spouses. The danger comes in being COMFORTABLE in that thought. Feeling comfortable led us to believe we could treat each other however we wanted and know they would always be there. It led us to take each other for granted.

Marriage takes work. Working on showing each other love and appreciation does not stop the day you say "I Do". This is not to say that we never showed appreciation for each other, but we certainly didn't make a daily effort of it.

Since being remarried, we have been working together on our bodies and appearance for ourselves and for each other. We send "I love you, gorgeous!" texts, leave little notes of love and appreciation, provide acts of service, and lots of other little acts of appreciation.



Most importantly, we discuss our issues and work them out together. Does your spouse know how much you love them, what you appreciate about them, and how beautiful they are to you? If you didn't tell them that today, stop what you're doing right now and find a way to let them know. We'll wait....

...

Ready? Ok, let's move on.

Don't Avoid Conflict

Matt and I don't like to fight. Rarely will you find us in a screaming match. I always thought this was because we had a good marriage and got along so well. It turns out that we were just keeping our thoughts/frustrations from each other to avoid conflict. Sounds great, right? No fighting?

Unfortunately, those thoughts and frustrations have to come out somewhere. For us they came out to friends or family, they became silent resentments, or they festered until we did have a big fight and exploded that way. I always thought this was normal and healthy. It is not.

Your spouse should be the person you go to with your frustrations. Not a friend, parent, sibling, or anyone else. If you can't resolve it together, try counseling. A middle party may be able to help you see things more clearly.

Since reuniting we have worked hard on how to handle conflict in our marriage. For us, as in many other marriages, one of us pursues the issues and the other withdraws from them.

Pursuers tend to want to discuss the issue as soon as it comes up, they can be very pushy, they want to have one conversation, resolve it, and get over it. Their fear is having the withdrawer want to talk about it later and then it never comes up again or gets resolved.

Withdrawers need breaks, they need time to think, prepare and cool down. They feel conversations are one-sided because the pursuer is so pushy and they are so hesitant. They fear conflict escalating, they don't want discussions to become fights so they try not to discuss anything.

We have to learn how to balance those personalities. The pursuer has to respect that the withdrawer might not want to discuss it "right now", that they might need to take a break and come back to the subject later.

The withdrawer has to respect that the pursuer needs to have the conflict resolved and, if they need a break, they have to say when the subject can be discussed again and are responsible for bringing it up.

The pursuer has to learn to trust the withdrawer to follow through and the withdrawer has to trust that the pursuer won't bring it up again before that time.



This is NOT an easy thing to do. We also have to do our best to be our best selves, remain calm, try not to get defensive and really work at listening to and understanding each others points of view BEFORE we attempt to resolve the conflict or issue.

When we are successful at all of these things, conflict actually brings us closer. We can trust each other to respect our differing opinions/personalities and are willing to bring up our deepest thoughts, fears, dreams, worries, etc.

You Are Not Perfect

It is easy to get trapped in the thought that your way is the right way. We all grew up in different households, cultures, family dynamics and day to day lives. Anyone who thinks they can enter a marriage and not have to change at least the little things is delusional. Marriage is about give and take. This is something I struggle with.

I am a perfectionist. Until recently, I thought this meant that I would always be a perfectionist. I have learned that, while my mind may always think this way, I can choose to be different. For example, I can let Matt clean the bathroom and not get frustrated that the faucet isn't perfectly polished.


It is not easy to choose to be different than you think you should be. There are some things that you should never compromise about yourself, but there are a lot of small things that you can change to make things run more smoothly in your marriage.

What small changes can you make to improve the harmony in your home?

If You Don't Grow Together, You Will Grow Apart

When Zoe was born and I went back to work we found it difficult to get out alone together. We had family watching her for work and didn't want to ask them to keep her so we could go on dates. We had never paid a babysitter, the thought never really crossed our minds. So, we would go out to eat a lot and bring Zoe along.

Our first Valentine's Day as parents we went out to eat and Zoe came with us. While the family time was great, we weren't investing time in continuing to get to know each other and have fun with each other as people instead of as parents. I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of times we went out alone from the time Zoe was born until our marriage ended. In general, we weren't prioritizing each other.

While we were busy NOT spending quality time together, we would spend time with friends doing what we like to do. Or we would do them alone. When you are spending quality time together, this is a healthy thing to do. When you are not spending quality time together, it can rip you apart. When you have more fun with your friends or by yourself than you do with your spouse something is wrong.

Make it a point to spend quality time together at least 2-3 times a month, if not weekly. You don't have to go out, spend money, or even do a lot of planning to spend quality time. A date can be as simple as some snacks and a board game, popcorn and a rented movie, or sitting and talking on the porch.

We trade off planning the date and getting babysitters. We also make it a point to either try things that are completely new to both of us, or try things that the other person likes to do. Matt and I are complete opposites in a lot of ways, but we feel that gives us a lot of opportunity to grow. For instance, I am learning to play golf and he will go to music performances with me.

It is important to work on the things you love, to grow as a person, but try to spend some of that time growing with your partner and you will be amazed at how close you can become. The best way to learn about your spouse, to have good conversations, and to grow as a couple is to spend time together doing things you love.

Be willing to make sacrifices and try something you may not love to show your spouse that you care about them and what they love. Who knows? You may find that you actually do enjoy things they like.

I could go on about all that I have learned from my experiences this past year. Really, it all boils down to this: Love and appreciate your spouse unconditionally and show it, care about each other enough to resolve conflict together, compromise, and make time for each other.

If you find you have any of these problems in your marriage, it is never too late to work on them. Matt and I did it after all the hurt and pain of a divorce. Make these changes now. Don't wait. You chose this person once, choose them every day. Love the one you're with.

Please, if you have a few minutes, share this with everyone you know. I never want to see anyone suffer what I went through if they don't have to. Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes divorce is necessary. In many cases, though, it's simply a case of losing the spark because of a lot of these pitfalls. I am no expert. I still have a lot to work on myself, but I wanted to share what I have learned in hopes that I can help others to have happier marriages. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post so please leave a comment. Thanks everyone!

Love and Equipoise

Got this from dooce. It's been floating around facebook too. I figure I don't know how much about the two of us I've spilled here so here goes:

What are your middle names?
My middle name is Cherice, Matt's middle name is Watson...as in "My Dear". No, just kidding, it's his Mother's maiden name.

How long have you been together?
We've been together over 5 years

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Well, I met him in high school so...4 years

Who asked whom out?
I was at work when he came in with his family for lunch. (I worked at Red Robin.) He asked me out by pretending that his Jetta key was either lost or locked in the car (impossible) and came back into my work to "look for it". He asked me out after he "found" it and we've been together ever since. Five years later, I just now realized that our entire relationship sprouted from a lie...should I be worried?

How old are each of you?
I'm 26, he's 25...yes I robbed the cradle.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
His. Mine live in New Mexico.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I don't know that there is a specific situation that is hard on us. We have a tendency to talk each other up and through difficult situations. I think our struggle as a couple is that we are both very opinionated, defensive and stubborn by nature...which makes for some crazy head-butting. However, we are very good at fighting- meaning we usually resolve things quickly...even though we are throwing grenades for a bit.

Did you go to the same school?
For a couple years in high school.

Are you from the same home town?
No. I grew up in Albuquerque, NM and Matt grew up all over- Army brat. I would say we now live in what he'd call his hometown...if he had one.

Who is smarter?
Book smart? Me. Street smart? Him. I've never known anyone who can store more information- useless or not- in their head...he's experienced more of the world than me.

Who is the most sensitive?
I am leaning towards me...but he has his moments...especially since Zoe was born.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Most? McDonald's. Ha ha, how sad is that?

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Springfield, VA

Who has the craziest exes?
I think we're about equal on that one...and that's as far as that's going.

Who has the worst temper?
Both of us have pretty bad tempers. He has a tendency to hold on to grudges...he'll keep quiet but you know when he's mad- you'll find yourself walking on eggshells. It takes a lot to get me mad, but if you get there, it's not pretty. I yell a lot...and cry. I don't hold grudges, but I'll force you to hash it out right then and there because I don't like to hang on to stuff like that.

Who does the cooking?
I used to before I became a Mom and realized I'm not superwoman. He does most of it now, but we trade off.

Who is the neat-freak?
Though I have weakened a bit in recent months- children will do that to you- I will readily admit that I'm the neat freak...and he...well...he just isn't. Clutter stresses me OUT!

Who is more stubborn?
I am the opinionated stubborn type. He is the silent stubborn type. I think we're in trouble with our already stubborn 7 month old.

Who hogs the bed?
HIM! If I'm sleeping well I hardly move.

Who wakes up earlier?
ME. Gotta get up and ready before Zoe gets up. For the record, there's nothing more frustrating than watching other's sleep contentedly on a Saturday morning or when it's 5:30 am and you have to be awake.

Where was your first date?
A movie theater in Albuquerque...we saw "Freaky Friday". One of probably 5 chick flicks he's ever watched with me.

Who is more jealous?
Neither. After some interesting past relationships we both make it a point to never be jealous. We have complete trust in each other.

How long did it take to get serious?
He knew right away. It took my stubborn behind a few more weeks to catch on that this was the love of my life. We were engaged a month after that.

Who eats more?
Him...by a mile. I remember when we first got married. I would make what I thought was a huge meal. He would eat firsts...then seconds...then be in the fridge looking for something else. I was shocked. He also eats much faster than me.

Who does the laundry?
We both do...but I tend to be stuck with the folding and putting away a lot. He blames it on my OCD about how mine and Zoe's clothes are folded- he does do his clothes. I think it's a cop out. It continues and we're both happy. :)

Who's better with the computer?
Probably him, though I think I can sort of hold my own. Truthfully I think we need a computer technician in the family to make sure we haven't done something massively damaging to this machine.

Who drives when you are together?
He almost always drives. I am pretty much done with driving. I've driven cross country one too many times I think. Plus, I get to sit and read a lot of the time during our hour commute to work.

Babe, if you find any discrepancies, feel free to fill out your own version.

I tag anyone that wants to. Leave a comment if you do!

2008

I found this on Back to Me and decided to fill it out here. So, here goes:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Got in a serious car accident where our vehicle was totaled...while pregnant, lived with Gestational Diabetes, gave birth, learned to breastfeed, became a Mother, learned to love someone more than I ever though possible in an instant, learned (and still learning) to juggle motherhood, being a wife, being a housekeeper, working, and commuting, bought a house and probably several other things. This year has been full of newness.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Honestly, I don't really remember my new year's resolutions...or if I made any. I will be making some for 2009.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Several people I know. Especially my two best friends, and my two sisters-in-law.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Unfortunately my Grandfather, on my Mom's side, passed away on December 24th.

5. What countries did you visit? None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Enough money that I can stay at home with Zoe.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 8th- the day of the pregnant car crash, June 30th- the day Zoe was born, August 25th- the day I had to go back to work...the hardest day of my life to date, November 3rd- the day we signed papers for the house, November 8th- our first night in the house, and December 24th- the day my beloved Grandpa passed away.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a Mom and surviving all the changes.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not speaking up sooner about what motherhood had done to my identity, not asking for help sooner, and not ever finding equipoise- a state of balance.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I suffered minor injuries in our car crash in January. As far as illnesses I had gestational diabetes- is that considered an illness?- and a urinary tract infection...and some colds here and there. Fairly healthy year though, I guess.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My house.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My Mom's. I don't know how I could have possibly made it through the year without her. Also, my Dad and Grandmother helped us purchase our house. My husband's family and their willingness to help care for my daughter. My Boss for being so great about all the changes this year. Actually a lot of people were pretty awesome this year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A minimal few whom I do not want to name or discuss here.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Mostly hospital bills this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The day I held my healthy baby girl in my arms and watching her learn, grow, and develop. She is the light of my life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry because of all the controversy.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. The holidays were rough for our family this year. Last year I was pregnant and hopeful for the year to come.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner...but only slightly...I was about 14 weeks pregnant then.
c) richer or poorer? Much poorer. I cut my hours after coming back from Maternity Leave and also we have more debt now...working on that. But you know what? It's totally worth it!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Sleep.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worry/stress

20. How did you spend Christmas? We had Love's Sister and his Parents over on Christmas Eve and Love cooked a delicious dinner all by himself. Christmas morning Zoe opened presents with us and her Grandparents, we saw "Marley & Me" in theaters, then spent the rest of Christmas Day with Love's family. We spent the night at his parent's house because the snow was so bad.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Well, I'm constantly falling in love with Matt for various reasons. This year there were many as I watched him become a Father. Also I fell in love with Zoe...more than I ever thought possible.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Heroes

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I try really hard to never hate anyone. In fact, I have a very hard time holding a grudge. I find it easier on my soul to let things go.

24. What was the best book you read? "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. That book changed my life.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? That Zoe likes it when I sing. :) Just kidding, I am so stuck on her! No, this year I discovered Paramore and Ingrid Michaelson. There are probably more but those are my favorites.

26. What did you want and get? A beautiful, perfect, healthy baby.

27. What did you want and not get? To be a stay-at-home Mom.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Dark Knight

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26. I slept in, went to church, spent the evening with family, ate homemade chicken noodle soup, and received very thoughtful gifts from Love.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More time for myself- to do things that I enjoy, to work out, to play the flute or piano or sing, to go swing dancing...anything really.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Something comfortable with an expanding waistband for the first half of the year. Anything that fits, that I can wear to work, the second half of the year.

32. What kept you sane? An incredibly helpful and patient Husband/Father.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It's usually Angelina Jolie...and nothing's changed.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The economy.

35. Who did you miss? My friends. I have some that live far away that I miss all the time, some that I lost due to changes in our (or their) lives, and some that I just don't get to see as much as I used to. I also really missed my family way more than usual after Zoe was born. I hate that they don't get to be around her all the time.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Zoe

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I learned to find a way to enjoy your life no matter what. It passes too quickly to live in the past. Things will happen the way that they are intended to happen...not necessarily on your time. In the end you'll understand why so don't worry about that now. I will apply what I learned in 2009.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is our fate- Jason Mraz

My year has been full of the new. New people, new experiences, new love, new places, new discoveries, new learning experiences. I feel like I've lived in a whirlwind the whole year. In 2009 I hope to gain my footing again. I hope to find time to do more things I enjoy, get in better shape, be an amazing wife and mother, find a way to stay home with Zoe, and try to live more in the moment instead of putting things off. I hope to find equipoise in 2009. Care to join me?

Tomorrow night Love and I will be writing down our New Year's resolutions and I will post them here. I will also be posting Zoe's 6 month letter soon. Happy New Year!!!

Pre-Pillow talk

As we were getting ready for bed:

Love (looking at his stomach): Is that a new mole?

Me: I don't know. I don't know where all your moles are...

Love: Well you should.

Me: Sorry, I haven't memorized the location of every mole on your body. Do you know where all my moles are?

Love: I've got you mapped out like Louis and Clark mapped out America.

Happy Valentines Day!

To my Love,

I wanted to take a moment to share with you how blessed I am to have you in my life. From the moment we met and began dating, you swept me off my feet. I have been floating ever since. My love for you is immeasurable and eternal. Words will never fully express how grateful I am to be your wife.

This last year has been a very significant one in our lives. I am so proud of the steps you have taken to better our lives and strengthen our marriage. You have made amazing progress in your job and you are so good at what you do. I love that you are constantly worried about providing for us, and that you take seriously my desire to be at home with my kids someday soon. We were sealed for eternity this year. I can't tell you how awesome it is to know that we will never be parted, not even by death. I am yours, forever and always and I'm so happy to be who I am.

I know you felt the same strong emotions, frustration, and anger during the time we were desperately trying to conceive. I was constantly amazed at your attitude and your ability to suppress those emotions enough to be a comfort to me. It was your strength, along with many prayers that got me through.

Now that we have been blessed to conceive a beautiful baby girl, I can't imagine sharing parenthood with anyone but you. I get so excited every time I think about her birth, not just because I want to meet her, but because I know you're going to be the most amazing Father. You were made to raise children. I will never have your natural ability to be child-like and really get down on their level, but I hope to learn some techniques from you. Zoe is so lucky that she'll have you in her life.
I'm glad we are going to go on a trip tomorrow and escape the stresses of life and spend some, much needed, un-interrupted time together. I'm looking forward to walking hand-in-hand with you through the joys and trials of our life. I'm grateful my journey will be spent in the company of the only man on earth who could make me happier than I ever thought possible. I love you baby. Happy Valentine's Day.

Always,
Me

Feeling Better

After the horrible news yesterday morning and a day spent sulking silently, Matt decided we needed to go shopping after work. It was surprisingly liberating to buy a few items of clothing that actually FIT my body. Normally, I don't get a healing effect from spending money. In fact, generally, I think spending money is stressful. Yesterday, however, I just didn't care. It was wonderful and I felt so much better as we left.

Later, Matt had a softball game to go to and I stayed home to do laundry and pack for our trip today. (We're going home to NM for the weekend.) I was watching Grey's Anatomy- it was a crazy season premiere, by the way- when a pregnant woman having her severed arm reattached went into labor and had a baby. I sat there and watched the show, pretty contented and folding laundry, when, suddenly, they showed a room full of babies. They were adorable, all swaddled with their pink and blue baby hats and little tags on their beds saying "I'm a Boy!" and "I'm a Girl!". Seconds after their appearance on screen, I found myself bawling uncontrollably. I reached for the remote and tried to see through the blur of tears to change the channel, which I couldn't do fast enough. Then I sat there sobbing loudly and fully, tears pouring down my cheeks onto my pants and the floor. My hands were soaked and my nose was dripping and I just didn't care. And I couldn't stop, every time I tried to calm myself down I would wail loudly again and drop my head in my hands and pour out gut-wrenching sobs. I finally calmed down after about ten minutes when I went to the bathroom for tissue and saw my reflection. Who was this person? Who was this red-eyed, puffy-faced person who had just sobbed for ten minutes out of no where? Where did that come from? After I calmed down a bit, I just figured that I had been angry all day and hadn't let myself really experience the sadness I felt. I guess my body decided my emotions needed to explode.

Today, I'm feeling much better. I got up and put on my new clothes- one of my most favorite things, did my hair, and came to work feeling pretty. I'm excited to go home and be around family, and so glad it's Friday.

OUCH!

I hate cramping! Expecially my cramping. I always feel nauseous and helpless and I can't find a good temperature. Cool air gives me chills, hot air makes me nauseous. That pretty much covers how I felt on the way home from my appointment this morning. (I couldn't help thinking, if this car ride feels this long now, what will it be like during labor?) SO glad I took the whole day off.
The test itself went exactly as I thought, though the radiologist didn't seem too concerned that my "whole world" was open for viewing to him and the nurse the whole time. I guess they don't feel the need to cover me up whenever possible... The good news is that everything looks perfectly normal. That news makes Monday not seem so bad. What makes Monday bad is all this cramping...I feel so strange. Oh well, things are normal and tomorrow is another day.

Mother's Day

Last year Mother's Day, for me, was filled with hope and excitement that I would soon be a mother. Now, the thought of today brings little twinges of pain to my heart. Instead of focusing on the pain, I want to tell you all a bit about MY mother.
My Mom is my best friend. I can't tell you how many fights and disagreements we had before we got to the "friend" point, but now that we're here, I am so very grateful. I am thankful that I can call her up and tell her about everything going on in my life and she'll listen and offer advice as needed. My Mother is a beacon of light to those around her. She is a guide to those who want to follow her example. She is such an amazingly GOOD person, and is loved my so many, but mostly by her children.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful childhood. I had a mother who wasn't afraid to get down on the floor and play with us. She was never afraid to be silly with us- even in public. She was never too busy to listen to what we had to say, and could understand our words even if all 5 of us spoke at once. She loved to teach us to do things. She was a real handywoman. It was not uncommon to come home and find her building a wall, repairing something, or taking on a new task most women would make their husbands do. She was always busy cooking, keeping the house, running us all over town, and tackling literal MOUNTAINS of laundry, but I always remember when I needed her, she was there.
She taught me to be self reliant. To figure things out on my own. She wanted us to be strong and to know how to do lots of different things, be it cooking, sewing, building, repairing walls, cleaning- her idea of clean not ours :)- grooming, or being selfless/ kind to others. Yet, she knew the world would continue to grow worse and taught us to have strong morals and values, but to never judge others. She knew we would have hard times in life and taught us to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer when we couldn't do it alone.
She is strong. She has been through many hard times. We lost our baby sister three hours after birth several years ago. It was hard for us kids, but I can only imagine the loss my Mother and Father felt that day, and even now. I haven't had the chance to experience pregnancy, yet, but I know that the connection between mother and baby is strong during those nine months and the love is instantaneous. My mother's heart broke that day, and she had a long period of time where she felt nothing but heartache. To see her come out of it, or to just try and be strong enough for us kids, taught me that I can get through anything. That it's ok to cry sometimes. It's ok to grieve sometimes. It's ok to let go sometimes...
She is an AMAZING woman. She is beautiful and kind, tender and loving, strong and determined. She is shy, but has never hesitated to speak out to protect her children or her values. She does not have a "career", but fulfills the work of raising her children well and passing on her talents and helping develp ours. She is a supportive wife and mother, constantly giving of herself without losing the amazing person that she is. She taught us a love for music and art, something that I cherish to this day. She did and still does all of this, her only compensation being the love of her family- I hope we can give back enough.
Today, on Mother's Day, I want to tell her THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with my rebellious years, thank you for brushing off those terrible things I said to you, thank you for seeing through my hard shell and finding the soft parts of my soul. Thank you for loving me no matter what, for being the kind of mom they write books about. Thank you for being you. Thank you for finding spaces of time in your very busy life even now to talk to me. Thank you for loving my Husband as your son, and for praying for us through both the good and hard times. Thank you for the mother you will always be for me and the mother that you are to my siblings. I know that when I have kids, you will have so much still to teach them, and so much wisdom in motherhood to pass on to me- yes, I will be calling. Thank you Mommy, for everything. I love you!
To all those women who are mothers, who will be mothers, who want desperately to be mothers, to the aunts and grandmothers, to the fathers who are mothers too, to you young girls that will be mothers someday, Happy Mothers Day!

On The Calendar

O.K. I started (for sure this time) today. I know because my insides are seemingly, or quite literally, RIPPING out. I know I said I started friday, but I didn't really start until today. Are you confused? I am. My body is a trickster- and a cruel one at that- what can I say really??? I called the Doctor today, my HSG is scheduled for next monday, the 14th, at 10 am. (I took the whole day off.)

Weird

To those of you that have husbands, I would like to ask you a question. As your he continues to discover things about you, that never managed to come up while you were dating, does he ever say you're weird? Does he do it every time? Since I've been married I have been called weird on a number of occasions. For instance (this was a long time ago...the conversation is made up):

(After I have spooned some cottage cheese into a bowl...)
Matt: What are you doing?
Me: Cutting tomatoes...
Matt: Why?
Me: To put in my cottage cheese.
Matt: Are you serious?
Me: (Staring blankly as I put salt and pepper atop the cottage cheese/ tomato concoction)
Matt: Ugh! That's gross! You are so weird!

Or how about this instance:
Matt: What are you doing?
Me: Organizing my shirts into short to long-sleeve/ color order
Matt: You are so weird! You better not touch my shirts!
Or this one:
Matt: Don't you just love the Rocky movies?
Me: I have never seen any of them...
Matt: What?! You've got to be kidding me! You've lived such a sheltered life! You are so weird!

Or how about today:
(After taking the first bite of our stuffed crust pepperoni pizza...)
Matt: Mmmm...Don't you just love stuffed crust pizza?
Me: I don't know, I have never had it.
Matt: What? You are so weird!

I could go on and on. I'm to the point of changing my name from "Katrina" to "Weird". I feel it may better suit me. Was he unaware of my weirdness before the marriage vows? It's no small secret that I'm a bit weird. All my friends know I'm weird, my family knows I'm weird, even my co-workers know I'm weird. Yet my oddity continues to- almost daily- astonish my husband and each time, he feels the need to remind me of how weird I am...even if I'm trying to be silly and weird. So, I thought I'd ask...do any of you experience husbands that still think you do weird things? Cuz, I'm feeling a wee bit lonely here in weirdland. Would you care to join me?

Love

I am feeling very fortunate today to have a husband who loves and cares for me and isn't afraid to show it. Upon returning home from a contact solution run, Matt handed me and envelope (for no reason at all) and a bag of chocolate (yum!). I opened it up to reveal the sweetest card:




"Since I met you, I've fallen in love with you at least a hundred times for a hundred different reasons. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I watch you doing something you enjoy, something you're so involved in that you're unaware of my presence. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I listen to you talk to other people. Whether you're being interesting and funny or warm and caring and genuinely concerned, you have a way of making people feel better with nothing more than your words. Sometimes I fall in love with you just thinking about you, remembering all the memories we've made... And whenever I think about the wonderful things that lie ahead of us, I fall totally and completely in love with you all over again." -Renée Ruvall

There's nothing sweeter than receiving a little gesture of appreciation when it is unexpected. We've been through a lot together in our three years of marriage. This last year of trying to conceive has been very difficult for us, yet he always stays positive, he always reassures me, and he is always by my side trying to put on the brave face. He lends a shoulder to my tears, he makes me laugh till my stomach aches, opens my doors, and always tells me how much he loves me before we nod off each night. I'm inspired by him daily as he constantly tries to better himself and worries constantly about trying to make more money so I can be a stay-at-home mom to our children (someday). I have been focusing so much attention on getting pregnant that I lost focus on what I already have- a husband who will take my hand in his and walk with me, side by side, down the road of life (no matter where it leads).

Results!

We arrive at the doctor's office and the nurse brings us back into the exam room and mumbles, what I heard as, the following: "Dr. should be done with surgery and heading up any minute"..."undress and lie face down (?)"...and something about a sheet- I assume she is referring to the green folded one on the table- as she shut the door. So, Matt sits down, takes my coat and purse from me, I say, "Face down?" He looks at me and says something to the effect of, "Maybe you're supposed to have your butt in the air?" Continuing to find it strange, I take my sheet into the changing stall in the corner and proceed to undress. Halfway through I begin to remove my shirt when it occurs to me that there's no breast exam today...so I ask Matt to go ask the nurse if I need to take my shirt off. He sighs and fulfills my request. I overhear the nurse say, "No, I said from the waist down." (Waist down, face down...it sounds the same, right?) Feeling sheepish, I open up the sheet- which turns out to be rather small- and suddenly feel very grateful I double checked.

Just as I am about to sit on the exam table, the Doctor walks in and shakes my hand, followed by Matt's. He then opens my chart, explains a few things to Matt- since I was the one who actually received the lab results from his test, not him- and then puts my feet in the stirrups. As he turns around to put on his gloves, I examine my new footrests and discover they are horse puppets- stirrups dressed as horse puppets- how ironic. Placing my rear all the way at the end of the table, I lay down and feel something cold, something uncomfortable- which proceeds to become more uncomfortable- then I hear a click. "Is that bearable for a couple minutes?" he asks. "Oh sure," I say aloud- (just as comfy as a bed of nails!) *insert eye rolling here* They're men...they don't know. Then he inserts, what I swear looks like, pliers, pulls them out to show me how the elasticity is good in my cervical mucus (Oh thanks, always wanted to see that! I'm sure Matt did too!) and then takes a sample. The "fun" part is finally over as he removes evil metal duck thingy, and leaves the room to examine the specimen. I run into the changing stall and dress. Waiting...

He came back much sooner than expected and said everything looked good. (Oh good, my mucus isn't killing Matt's "boys"!) "Lots of little swimmers!" he exclaimed, and proceeded to tell us that they were moving around just fine- yay, the viscosity isn't an issue- and that if we don't get pregnant this month, he wants me back for the dye test next month. So, I am feeling hopeful. I am relieved that nothing serious is wrong so far, and also a little confused as to why we aren't pregnant yet- since everything is normal. I know, though, that all things happen for a reason and when it's time, we will have a little one in our lives. Until then, I'll try to relax and let nature take it's course- hopefully. Nighty night blog world!

Fertility Journey

Wow, I can't believe how long it has taken me to get on here and write about the test results. As you know, Matt submitted his "little swimmers" to the lab last Monday to have them tested. Well, on Friday I called the doctor to find out the results. The doctor said that, overall, he was happy with the results. The motility (their sense of direction and movement) was really good, he said, and the forms (as in how well they're formed and whether or not there are malformed or dead ones) looked good. The only problem they could see was the lab was unable to determine the sperm count as the sample was viscous (sticky). The doctor said this was solvable by running the sperm through a small needle to separate them and that would solve the problem. But first, he wanted to do a test on me.

The test is called a post coital (after intercourse) and basically they want to test the cervical mucus and the sperm 3-15 hours after intercourse- during your most fertile time- to make sure the sperm aren't being killed by the cervical mucus, and also that the sperm are not too viscous to make it through the cervical mucus. So, I had to pee on a stick for the last couple of days to find out when I am most fertile (ovulation kit to test for my lh surge). I peed on a stick Friday...faint purple line, deep purple line...nope. Saturday- peed on a stick: two purple lines, but the test line still wasn't as deep as the control line. Today, after being told by my hubby to "go pee on a stick": two purple lines...called the doctor- on his cell phone because we have to schedule an appointment within the 3-15 hour time frame- voice mail. :-(

Oh well, hopefully he'll call sometime tomorrow. At least I'm done peeing on a stick for this month!

Winter Into Spring

I have been trying for a week to find a spare minute to write about my little nature walk with Matt and my camera last Saturday. Finally, I have found the time.



Saturday was absolutely beautiful! It was the first warm, sunny weekend we’ve had in what seems like eternity. We decided it would be fun to explore the river trail behind our house. We left and just kind of dawdled along down the trail, stopping to take a few pictures here and there. Unfortunately, my silly camera has a way of taking pictures the way it sees things and not the way I see things…which is why there are so few pictures on this site to date. I’ll try and have a talk with my camera though, and see if we can compromise a little so I can remedy that situation. Anyway, I came across a little alcove of trees around the very first bend and just had to take a picture. What do you think?




This photo I was actually looking for. There are so few places I have seen in Salt Lake City where the little shoots of grass are desperately trying to poke their way through the dead foliage left behind after a long winter. I found this little patch of grass and just had to capture it. I can’t wait until I see some colorful blossoms adorning our trees!

The funniest thing that happened on our walk was a little conversation I had with Matt…oh how I wish I had taken a picture! (Mind you, it’s been a week, so this won’t be word for word.)

Matt: “I think that’s a beaver!”

Me: “Where?”

Matt: (points at the river) “Right there!”

Me: “I think that’s a stick…”

Matt: “NO, it’s a beaver!” (runs to the riverbank for a closer look.)

Me: “What is it?”

Matt: (looks defeated) “It’s a stick…”

Well, I thought it was funny, especially because he was still groggy from a late afternoon nap and, up until then, had barely dragged his feet down the trail. The sight of the “beaver” got him running like a kindergartener to an ice cream truck in summer.




This last one was actually found by Matt, I just took the picture…enjoy!

Author's Note: Originally Published March 19, 2007

Fleeting Thoughts

Like a sweet breeze across a humid day
Thoughts of you brush across my mind
Rushing to the aid of my sweltering worry
Life paused for your memory

Through the bustle of day-to-day
You break my concentration briefly
To bring a smile to my face
And then a tear

Your presence bringing mixed emotion
First love then sadness
From our first kiss
To your last day breathing

Sometimes, I feel you here
To dry my moistened eyes
You are my handkerchief
I can live another day

(All poetry published on this site is mine. If you quote, please leave a link back to the original post. Thank you!)