Tomorrow is my baby's first day of Kindergarten . 

Just let that sink in for a moment....

Remember way back when, towards the very beginning of this blog, when I struggled to conceive? 

Remember how we were finally blessed with a beautiful little angel that we named Zoe? 

It seems like just yesterday she was born and yet, TOMORROW, she is going to Kindergarten.

I simply can't believe it.

There are so many things I'm worried about.  What if kids are mean to my little tender heart?  What if she learns terrible habits from other kids?  What if she gets sick all the time?  What if something happens and she is scared to tell me?  What if she doesn't have any friends?  What if her teacher doesn't recognize her strengths?  What if...

Deep down I know she'll be ok.  I know this is a new chapter in her life, a chapter I crossed into once.  I turned out just fine.  I know this and yet I can still hear her upstairs awake at 10:30 at night and when I ask her why she says she can't sleep because she is nervous about Kindergarten.  And what do I say?  She has every right to be nervous.  So I remind her about the great things to expect in Kindergarten and tell her to get some rest so she is not exhausted tomorrow and it's the best I can do.

Tomorrow I have to release her into the world's hands.  I will still be there to guide her, but I will no longer be her only lighthouse.  Others will enter her world as people who can lead and guide her.  All I can do is pray that the ones she listens to will be good influences.

That is an awful lot to ask of a parent...especially one like me with some control issues.

I get teary-eyed just thinking about letting her walk through the doors of the school.  Thinking about how I will miss her constant singing and talking.  How much I will miss that entire morning of the next year of Monday-Fridays spending time with her.  Or just having her around.  I will miss her giggle when she makes me laugh or finds something funny.  I will even miss her arguing with her sister...and especially miss her watching out for her sister. 

Instead I have a school telling she has 10 vacation days from school and that a doctors note might be needed for sick days.  A school is now going to tell me what to do with my child and when?  That's a hard pill to swallow. 

On the other hand, I value education so much.  And my child loves to learn.  School presents new opportunities for learning and growth, which is something I want for my Zoe.  I see her strengths, I see her doing well in school.  Her bubbly personality will attract friends, and I pray that her kind heart will not be taken advantage of.  I am so excited for her and yet so scared for her.

I guess I echo her sentiments when I asked if she was excited about school tomorrow.  She said, "Yes, but I'm still a little nervous."

I will never be ready to let her go, but I will anyway because that's what parents do.  We teach them what we can and then we let them fly.  They fly further and further, a little more each time until someday it's time to let them fly free and live their lives.  And we hope we did our best to prepare them.  I hope I have done my best to prepare her for this next step.  Time will tell.

Send me positive thoughts tomorrow please...and even more for her Dad.  He might just be worse off than me.

To my Zoe,

When you were just new I wrote you these letters far more often. As time has passed, life has become far more busy and The days fly by so quickly. It seems only moments ago that I held you for the first time. Now you are less than six months from being five! So, I wanted to take a little moment to document what you are like now, and tell you some things I think you need to know.

You are a sensitive soul. Tears flow freely from your eyes for many reasons. Sometimes it's a sad part in a movie, sometimes it's that you broke something you loved, and sometimes it's that you got in trouble. I sometimes get frustrated with this, but mostly I think it is one of your best qualities. You care, deeply. Not everyone is like that. It's part of what makes you so special. I love when you see that I am down, or frustrated, or even upset and you try to do something to make me feel better. I hope you are always so watchful of those around you.

My favorite thing about you at this age is that you are quite a performer! You amaze me with your ability to memorize lyrics and song tunes. You sing all the time. ALL the time. It is something you have done since before you could talk. You used to ride your tricycle around and around singing as loudly as you could. You still sing loud, without restraint, paying no mind to your surroundings. You love to dance and put on plays and performances for us. Also, a little bossy, you tell us we all have to clap for you when you're done.

You have the BEST giggle. I love to catch you by surprise or tickle you any chance I get just so I can hear your musical laugh. It's infectious. You love life. You love to be happy and playing. You LOVE every single ounce of time you get playing with me. I know we've been super busy lately, but even when we are, you are always willing to help out by cleaning your room, making your bed or helping me wipe the table to make sure our house stays clean so it doesn't get "full of junk and bugs" as you say. You always try to help out in a silky way or while being goofy to try and make it fun.

You are so full of energy it is sometimes hard to keep up with you. It's like you are about to burst at any given moment.  But chasing you around is my absolute pleasure.  I am so  proud and grateful to be your Mom. 

Post Christmas Blues Cure

I finally took all my Christmas decorations down today.  It was especially hard for me to let go of Christmas this year.  I always get a little depressed after Christmas is over and want to hang onto it as long as I can.  Perhaps it was because I was so excited for this Christmas.  My girls were so much fun to watch as they anticipated the arrival of Santa.  Although, the "I wants" were numerous this year thanks to all the well placed toy advertisements.  Still, they managed to narrow things down to must-haves and we were able to get a couple of books to help them understand the reason we celebrate Christmas. 

They also were very sweet and giving.  I got the cutest homemade drawing from Zoe that Matt helped her wrap.  I love that it's the homemade things, the presents made and given with love that mean the most.  We were all spoiled this year.

When I'm feeling down, I find the best thing to do is count my blessings.  I am so grateful for all that I have.  Matt and I have good, stable jobs that allow us to live in a comfortable, warm home and provide for our family.  I am blessed to have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father.  We are blessed with two amazing girls who bring joy to our lives and teach us patience daily.  We are blessed with individual talents.  Matt and I have each other, and if you've been reading this blog long, you'll understand why that is such an important blessing.  We also have amazing family and friends who we literally wouldn't be able to survive without. 

I have plenty of goals for the year, plenty of things I want to learn and become, plenty that I want to have.  I will get to posting all those as soon as I can.  Tonight, I just wanted to take a minute to start the year taking notice of  all that I am blessed with.  It has made me feel a little less sad that my favorite time of year is gone for now.  Can't wait to see what the future holds!  Have a good night friends!