Just let that sink in for a moment....
Remember way back when, towards the very beginning of this blog, when I struggled to conceive?
Remember how we were finally blessed with a beautiful little angel that we named Zoe?
It seems like just yesterday she was born and yet, TOMORROW, she is going to Kindergarten.
I simply can't believe it.
There are so many things I'm worried about. What if kids are mean to my little tender heart? What if she learns terrible habits from other kids? What if she gets sick all the time? What if something happens and she is scared to tell me? What if she doesn't have any friends? What if her teacher doesn't recognize her strengths? What if...
Deep down I know she'll be ok. I know this is a new chapter in her life, a chapter I crossed into once. I turned out just fine. I know this and yet I can still hear her upstairs awake at 10:30 at night and when I ask her why she says she can't sleep because she is nervous about Kindergarten. And what do I say? She has every right to be nervous. So I remind her about the great things to expect in Kindergarten and tell her to get some rest so she is not exhausted tomorrow and it's the best I can do.
Tomorrow I have to release her into the world's hands. I will still be there to guide her, but I will no longer be her only lighthouse. Others will enter her world as people who can lead and guide her. All I can do is pray that the ones she listens to will be good influences.
That is an awful lot to ask of a parent...especially one like me with some control issues.
I get teary-eyed just thinking about letting her walk through the doors of the school. Thinking about how I will miss her constant singing and talking. How much I will miss that entire morning of the next year of Monday-Fridays spending time with her. Or just having her around. I will miss her giggle when she makes me laugh or finds something funny. I will even miss her arguing with her sister...and especially miss her watching out for her sister.
Instead I have a school telling she has 10 vacation days from school and that a doctors note might be needed for sick days. A school is now going to tell me what to do with my child and when? That's a hard pill to swallow.
On the other hand, I value education so much. And my child loves to learn. School presents new opportunities for learning and growth, which is something I want for my Zoe. I see her strengths, I see her doing well in school. Her bubbly personality will attract friends, and I pray that her kind heart will not be taken advantage of. I am so excited for her and yet so scared for her.
I guess I echo her sentiments when I asked if she was excited about school tomorrow. She said, "Yes, but I'm still a little nervous."
I will never be ready to let her go, but I will anyway because that's what parents do. We teach them what we can and then we let them fly. They fly further and further, a little more each time until someday it's time to let them fly free and live their lives. And we hope we did our best to prepare them. I hope I have done my best to prepare her for this next step. Time will tell.
Send me positive thoughts tomorrow please...and even more for her Dad. He might just be worse off than me.