The Journey to Health: Part Two

You'll want to read yesterday's post before you dive into this one.  These are my memories as they come to me.  Seen from my point of view.  The things that have stuck with me and created this mindset.

I was the skinny kid.  All arms and legs and knobby knees.  For the most part, I was a happy kid with a happy childhood.  But, for as long as I can remember, I've never felt comfortable in my skin.
I think I was maybe seven in this picture

My earliest memory of body hate was an offhand comment by a ballet teacher that I was too tall for ballet.  I remember feeling awkward next to all the other, shorter, more graceful little girls.  I remember always being one of the tallest girls in school, taller than several of the boys until they finally passed me in middle school.

I remember sitting on the bus in elementary school and hating the way my thighs spread out across the seats when I wore shorts.  To say that I was skinny growing up is an understatement.  Yet, I had these thoughts.

Sixth Grade

As I got older, and taller, I could never find pants that fit right.  I couldn't shop at regular stores and buy any pair of pants.  They were always too short for my long legs, and too baggy for my shapeless hips and lack of a butt.  I had to buy my pants at the department stores.  I remember having to buy Arizona Jeans.  The slims.  Everyone else was wearing the super baggy jeans that were the style back then and I was in school in my slims and my white canvas tennis shoes.

For the most part I stuck with my friends, who didn't care what I wore.  But I remember the jeers and comments I got from the few on my attire.  I remember hating being so thin for many reasons, but mostly because everyone thought it was really funny to tease me for it.  Most of them didn't know for years and many still don't know, until maybe now, that the teasing gave me a complex.  How is a young girl to feel comfortable in her changing body when she gets teased for her tiny boobs and gangly arms?

Seventh Grade
Once I entered high school, I finally gained a little bit of weight, but was still teased incessantly by well meaning friends.  I played it off well.  I pretended to love myself, to present a confident front.  Mostly I was unsure of myself and eager for the attention of boys- the only thing that seemed to make me feel that I was desirable.  I had a series of boyfriends.  I kissed them all too early. 

I remember never liking my body shape, even when I was thin.  I wasn't athletic and didn't have a lot of muscle.  Back then it was merely good genes.  I wasn't healthy.  I liked to run, but didn't do it regularly.  I ate nachos and soda for most of my lunches.  I had what I would call a boyish shape when I was thin, and an apple shape now that I carry some weight.  My waist and hip measurements have always been very similar, and my shoulders always seemed too wide for my body.  When I was young it wasn't as noticeable.  Now I can't help but see it every time I look in the mirror.  In my face I can recognize my beauty, but not anywhere else.

Senior Portrait

I remember hating the way several of my pants fit in high school.  Trying to fit my butt, my pants were always so tight around the waist the front button tended to roll downward.  For some reason pants were made for people with hips.  For the most part they still are.  And if I managed to find some that fit me in the waist and hips, they were usually too short.  I have never enjoyed shopping for pants.

My confidence didn't get any better in college.  I gained the "freshman fifteen".  Looking back at those pictures, I just looked healthy.  For a girl who had been rail thin all her life, this was a hard thing for me to deal with.  Never having gained weight, I didn't really know what to do about it.  Many who knew me then never knew I struggled with confidence.  More than once I had a guy reassure me that I was beautiful...or sexy.  I never fully believed them.

When I met Matt it was the first time I have ever been with someone who was equally infatuated with me.  All my previous relationships had been off balance in that way.  I knew he was the one simply because it was the first time I felt loved and appreciated just as much as I loved and appreciated him.  No more, no less.  I built my confidence through him.  He was sweet and complimentary. 

October 10, 2003

I, of course, married him.  We spent several years in (mostly) marital bliss.  Still, I never felt confident or sexy in my skin.  In the beginning he reassured me often.  But, as is the case in many marriages, when you deny what they say enough, when you won't take it to heart, when you feel like "he's just saying that because he has to", eventually they will get tired of having to tell you all the time.  He never stopped completely, but it slowed and my confidence waned.

Christmas 2006
As the years went by, I slowly gained weight.  I weighed 115 pounds when I got married.  When I got pregnant with Zoe four years later I weighed 152.  I was 157 when I got pregnant with Paige.  Forty pounds to me, who will forever have my thin frame in mind as the "right frame", was quite a lot.  For too many years, I hated it, complained about it, came up with all sorts of fantastical ways to do something about it.  For too long, nothing worked quick enough for my impatient, perfectionist mind.  Not to mention the fact that I now had numerous stretch marks from carrying two babies.  Gestational diabetes during my pregnancies made me feel even worse about the state of my body.

Two months before conceiving Zoe.
Still, I always depended on the fact that he would love me no matter what.  I set my confidence on that foundation and kept going.  I didn't love myself.  I didn't feel sexy.   But as long as he loved me and thought I was beautiful, that was enough.  Until it wasn't.

Zoe's first birthday.  The picture that made me realize how out of shape I really was.
When we went through our rough patch last year, that foundation crumbled and I found myself face to face with all that body loathing, along with all the self destructive thoughts I had tried to push back for too many years.  Initially my thoughts were that if he couldn't love me, then no one could.  Especially a 28 year old nursing Mom with two kids. 

Just after having Paige.  The next one was two months later.
Then, due to the stress, under eating and nursing a baby I dropped thirty pounds in several weeks.  For the first time in years I was able to find reasons to appreciate my body.  I fit into clothes without bulging in places.  I noticed people checking me out when I went places.  I had my confidence back, hooray!
My lowest weight in years.
Unfortunately, when you drop weight that quickly it's rare to keep it off.  When Matt and I got back together I had recently quit nursing because I wasn't producing enough milk.  Then I got on birth control.  Then I relaxed a little and my eating habits went back to normal.  Twenty of those Thirty pounds came piling back on.  All my confidence still residing in my thinner body.

Easter, just starting to gain the weight back.
With trust, intimacy and love in rebuilding mode it was imperative to me to get back to that thinner body.  I had to get my confidence back.  And so I started my journey to health.  Gratefully, I learned a few things while on my own.  I learned that being a perfectionist all my life didn't have to define me, that I could change.  I learned that I needed to work towards what I wanted out of life and stop letting life pass me by.  So I set goals.  I got excited about life!  And I tried to tackle everything at once.

You can see the weight in my face.
And I failed to accomplish much of anything.  The goals that were supposed to help me build myself up and help me achieve my dreams were suddenly crushing me.  So I took a step back, evaluated which goal was the most important to me, and I went for it.  I am proud of my accomplishments in regards to my health last year. 

Yet, it is so easy for me to sink back into self loathing.  One month of falling off the wagon (much of it out of my hands) and there I was hating myself for my choices, hating my body for what was happening to it, yet being unable to find the drive to fix it.  Hating getting dressed in the only jeans that fit my hips and butt- low rise- which I am constantly pulling up and they let my Mommy-pudge and back fat hang right over the top.  (The alternative being purchasing jeans that sit higher and either cut me in half, creating worse bulges and discomfort or give me a baggy butt.)  Then I remembered, again, that my life is in my hands and got back to work.  The progress feels good.  Just working towards my goal and being relatively close makes me feel better about myself.

I hate this picture

But what hit me, what disturbs me, what I can't get out of my mind, is that this last episode of self destructive behavior made me realize that I need to learn to love myself. 

Myself NOW. 

Not the self that lives in a 125 pound body.  Not the self that finally learned to ALWAYS speak calmly to her children.  Not the self that figures out how to cross off everything on her list.  Not the self that finally learns to balance everything. 

Not she who is the perfect wife.  Not she who doesn't get nervous in front of people.  Not the girl who never messes up musically- or never buries her talents. Not perfection in any way. 


ME.  M.E.  Me.

A couple weeks ago, still had some muscle definition. When I look in the mirror, all I see is that middle part.
The me who has trouble getting in the shower at a decent time everyday.  The me who will probably always have at least saggy skin on her belly.  The me who's clothes never fit quite right.  The me who yells at her kids sometimes.  The me who is the perfectionist.  The me who is not.  The me who is trying hard to get her talents back.  I want to love the me in the process.  Because really, I will never be perfect in every way.  I don't want to be.  I am not Mary Poppins.  I am me.  And I need to learn to not just be ok with that, but to be happy with that.  To be confident in that. 

I'm not sure how to get there.  I do know that I have this goal on my list for the year.  "Be happy with myself."  Now that I've realized just how self destructive I have been.  I want to change it.  I want to have the kind of confidence in myself to know that I'm strong, worthy and beautiful no matter what behavior I exhibit and no matter what weight I am.  I don't want anyone or anythings else to have to carry my confidence and happiness for me.  I want to haul it myself.

Because a journey to health, I've discovered, doesn't just mean physically.  It also includes the mind.  I need to collect my thoughts, and please, your ideas, on how to accomplish this goal.  When I do, I will write part three of this series.

My feelings are a bit raw right now, I'm a little afraid to actually click that "publish" button up there.  I have tried a few times in my life to express these feelings just to be told that I shouldn't feel that way because I have a thin frame.  Looking back at all those pictures of my youth, I see nothing wrong with that girl.  I'm not sure why I ever had the thoughts I did.  Other than many offhand comments.  Perhaps we should all be really careful about what we say to those with impressionable minds.  Obviously I've realized that I shouldn't feel that way, but these feelings are real to me.  They hurt and they run deep.  I decided to go ahead and write it out because I think there might be others with a similar story.  I think that even if the story is different, so many others can relate to these feelings.  I think this needs to change, and the first step to change is admitting the problem.   So here goes...please be nice.

The Journey to Health: Part One

It's been a while since I posted about exercise and my eating habits (or posted at all).  I was doing really well for quite a while.  I saw some amazing changes in my body.  More importantly, I felt them.  It feels good to exercise and eat healthy foods (for the most part).  So good that I got to a point where fast foods and sweets were difficult to eat.

In December my family got hit hard with illness.  It started with my girls and then we all just kept passing it around.  Initially, even through caring for sick little ones, I was doing well at keeping up with my workouts and good eating habits.  Then I got some form of their virus that took me nearly four weeks to completely get over.  An upper respiratory virus completely destroyed my ability to workout.  Believe me, I tried.  I couldn't breathe and was so run down afterwards that it just wasn't worth it.  Not to mention I felt so much worse the next day.  Then Christmas came with all the sweets, vacations, living away from my home and environment and my eating habits went out the window too.   You see where I'm going with this.

Since returning home I have continually tried to get back into the swing of things.  I have been drinking 100 ounces of water almost daily for months. I haven't had a carbonated beverage in ages.  But I kept giving into cravings, excusing myself from workouts, eating five sugar cookies instead of one.  Needless to say that, though I haven't gained any weight, I know I've lost tone and muscle definition.  At this point, it feels like I'm starting over, though I know that's not completely true.

Yesterday I decided to put the excuses away and get back to work.  It started with a good workout followed by another this morning and a great day of eating.  Tracking what I eat, writing it down, making myself accountable to someone.  I know what I need to accomplish my goals, I know how to get there, it's just kind of a mind game sometimes. 

Mind games, I think, are the hardest part of weight loss, body acceptance, controlling cravings, and making good choices.  For me, if I have a bad meal I will often give myself permission to have an entire day of poor eating choices.  If that day happens to be a Friday, I will sometimes give myself until Monday to shape up.  I know I should just make better choices the next meal, or at least the next morning.  I also find that I'm ashamed of it.  Not wanting Matt to know I ate a whole thing of red vines, or cookie dough.  Not because he would be disappointed, but because I am and don't want anyone to know.

I deal with a lot of this every day.  I have to talk myself out of raiding the girls' candy stash from Christmas.  I have to make myself eat a piece of fruit instead of something sweet.  I know it gets easier.  I have already been on that side.  It's just pushing through this wall of doubt that I can't make it to where I want to be.  That wall that taunts me to go back to the days of eating what I feel like instead of being in control of what enters my body.

As I've chiseled away at this wall, and struggled with a bit of depression at losing ground I had already covered in pursuit of my goals, I've discovered a few things about myself:

When I get depressed about my lack of self control regarding food it causes me to want to eat more.  And it's always sweets that I crave at these times. 

What I eat for breakfast really sets the tone for the rest of my day.  If I have some eggs or Greek yogurt and some fruit, my days seems to go better.  If I have a healthy cereal without some solid protein, it's so much harder to make good choices throughout the day. 

When I am consistent with exercise I am less tempted to eat poorly.  I suppose this is because I don't want all that work to be wasted. 

I really enjoy the endorphins from exercise.  When I don't get them, especially if it goes on very long, I miss them to the point that I feel run down, deflated, and even sometimes depressed.  This usually leads right back to poor eating habits.  Kind of a vicious cycle if I don't keep up with things.

Last, and most important.  I have NEVER felt comfortable in my own skin. 

I think I always knew this deep down, but I didn't realize it fully until the last few days.  It's kind of unsettling to me.  And something I need to figure out if there is ever going to be a point where I'm happy with the state of my body.  Tomorrow I will dive into this.  I hope people will be kind, and understand that people of every body shape have their struggles. 

What are your fitness goals and struggles?  Can you relate to any of mine?

Who are you?

[Photo Credit]
Well hello!  I am lucky to know a lot of the people who follow this little blog of mine.  But I KNOW there are several of you out there who I don't know so well, and some not at all. 

So, in honor of National De-Lurker Day, and in participation with many of my fellow bloggers, I ask you to take a couple seconds to introduce yourself!

Tell me something about you, about your kid, your dog, your job.  Tell me how long you've been following.  Tell me why you're here.  Tell me I need to blog more.  Ask me a question.  Simply state a name and say hello.  Just take a couple seconds to leave a comment to let me know you exist.

And those of you I do know, don't go thinking I don't want to hear from you too.  Not everyone around here knows you.  So please leave any sort of comment you would like as well.

You will totally make my day week!  I would love to know more about all you people who, for some reason, stick around to read my random little blog.  It's like a virtual name tag except you don't have to go around actually wearing one and then forget and walk into the grocery store with, "Hello my name is..." attached to your chest.  See how nice I am?

If you're new, or have just stumbled upon us, please find a way to follow.  Telling your friends would be pretty cool too, just sayin'. 

I'm excited!  I can't wait to get to know you better!  Thanks!!!  Also, if you have other blogs you follow, take a second to go say hi to them too!  They'll love it, I promise.

P.S. Yes, I am aware that I possibly use to many exclamation points!!!!

Five Minute Friday: Awake

It's Friday!  Five minutes of unedited free writing.  Click over to The Gypsy Mama and join in!

Today's Prompt: Awake


Funny how you aren't aware of what you have until it's gone.  Or how much you'll miss it when it isn't there.  Try as I might, I never love or appreciate Matt more than when he's gone.  Because I realize how much he means to me when he's here.  It's not that I don't realize these things on a daily basis.  It's just that when I watched him walk out the door this morning knowing I wouldn't see him until Sunday, I was really awake to how much I would miss him while he was gone. 

That may seem silly to some, it's only three days.  But to me, that is two nights sleeping alone in our bed, something I haven't done since the divorce.  I know there are many who have to make that sacrifice often, and I don't discount that.  Nor do I try to compare this to that. 

In my little world, though, those are two nights without his body to keep me warm, his breathing to make me feel safe, his arms to wrap me up tightly.  It's two less hands to help with dishes, bedtime, baths or "welcome home" hugs.  One less voice to inspire cooperation from my kids.  One less ear to listen to my frustrations. 

When you go through a period of time convincing yourself that you don't need someone when you really do, then you get the chance to try again, you have to reteach yourself to need them again.  This morning I was awakened to how very much I need him in my life.  It was a happy discovery.


Confession: Today I went over a bit...wanted to finish my thought!  Happy Friday, people!

Please help spread the word about Finding Equipoise. Find a way to follow if you have not yet, share posts, and tell your friends! Thanks!

29 Goals

Last year, a friend of mine challenged me to follow in her footsteps and make 28 goals to accomplish in my 28th year.   It resulted in a lot of personal changes and growth so I have decided to continue on with 29 Goals this year!  I will share these goals with you now and as I accomplish them I will share it here. Since my birthday is 10 days before the end of the year these goals are going to be my New Year's Goals in no particular order:

1. Go back to school
2. Read the entire Bible and Book of Mormon in 365 days
3. Keep Exercising Regularly
4. Be a more patient and engaged Mom
5. Get more organized at home
6. Potty train Paige
7. Read 20 books
8. Take more pictures than last year
9. Figure out a blogging schedule and stick to it
10. Get my piano tuned
11. Play piano 2-3 times per week
12. Play flute 2-3 times per week
13. Implement a house cleaning schedule that's more efficient
14. Do three public music performances
15. Take walks regularly
16. Learn the guitar
17. Be happy with myself
18. Read Scriptures daily with Matt
19. Pray morning and night (at least)
20. Learn to be on time
21. Go to the temple once a month
22. Drink 100 ounces of water daily
23. Start writing poetry again
24. Be better about speaking my mind in the moment rather than keeping quiet to keep the peace
25. Look for opportunities to provide service and take them!
26. Go rock climbing
27. Eat healthy and splurge occasionally without guilt
28. Quit my nervous habit
29. Reduce time spent on Facebook, phone games and the Internet in general

I'm excited to tackle these new (and old) goals this year! I hope I have an even better result this year! Please, if you would like to join me in doing one goal per year you are old, link up in the comments on the goals page! You don't have to make that many goals to join in though! If you have any New Years Goals, feel free to join in. Keep me updated on how you're doing throughout the year!

Please help spread the word about Finding Equipoise. Find a way to follow if you have not yet, share posts, and tell your friends! Thanks!

Five Minute Friday: Roar

Officially 5000 pageviews since I started this new blog.  Amazing.  Thank you so much for being here. 

It's time for Five Minute Friday.  Five minutes of free, unedited writing.  Click over to The Gypsy Mama to join us!

Today's Prompt: Roar


                                                                                      "What does the lion say?" I ask as my two little beauties roar loudly into the quiet of our home.  Makes me grin every time.  Though, often it reminds me of how often life roars through my quiet.  I am a peacemaker.  Always trying to stop the bickering of my angels, fights between friends, family, quarrels with my husband.  Contention is physically unsettling to me. 

Often I wish everyone had to go through a communication class.  Learn how to deal with and overcome conflict.  Too often people get so caught up in what they think might have happened, what they assume the other party is thinking, and so on, that they end up making a simple disagreement ten times worse. 

It hurts my heart that so much precious time is wasted by being angry and stubborn.  I am not saying I have never been there myself, but I usually try to let things go quickly and am pretty forgiving, simply because I can't stand to be in conflict with others.  I don't want to waste MY precious time on this earth being angry.  I would rather figure it out now, resolve it, talk through it, cry, get angry, roar and be done.  So I can move on.  Isn't that better??


Wow, this post went in a whole different direction than I had originally intended.  Guess that's what freewriting is about.  Does conflict unsettle you?  How do you deal with it?

Please help spread the word about Finding Equipoise.  Find a way to follow if you have not yet, share posts, and tell your friends!  Thanks!