Happy Anniversary

One year ago today I remarried my husband, Matthew, ready to give our love a second shot.  It hasn't been an easy year.  We have weathered many storms together.  Sometimes I feared that things would fall apart again.  Every time I did, he reassured me.

Over the last year I fell in love with him all over again.  We found trust and respect for each other.  WE learned to understand and forgive the past.  Learned to love and support our differences and our hobbies.  He is my best friend.

I am so grateful that I was brave enough to agree to a second chance.  The choice to remarry him was the right one.  Our family is closer than it has ever been.  We are closer than we have ever been.

Marriage isn't always easy.  Two people facing the world together will always result in differences of opinion.  We are learning to use conflict as a tool to bring us closer and help us to know each other better.  We are far more open with each other than we ever used to be.  We are not afraid to ask the hard questions, to bring up issues, and deal with conflicts.  We have been in the worst place a marriage could ever go, and never want to get back there.  Ever.

I love Matthew with a love deeper than I ever thought I could feel for another person.  He gets me and he lets me be myself.  He supports me in how I choose to spend my life and my time.  He is a good father and a wonderful husband.  He helps me with the dishes.  He works incredibly hard to support our family.  He helps us to make and keep the goals we have together.  He confides in me and lets me confide in him.  He lets me see all sides of him and trusts me with his heart.  He loves me and shows it daily.  I couldn't ask for more, and I try to do the same for him.

There is no other man I could imagine spending the last eight years with.  I am so proud to call him my husband, and so grateful to have him by my side through this life.  Happy Anniversary, my Love.

An Experiment in Self-Love

To be honest I don't really know what I'm going to write about as I sit down here in front of my computer.  I'm coming back to you after a break caused by a surprise visit from my sister and her little family.  My last couple weeks were spent  soaking in every second of them being here and getting to know my newest niece who was only six weeks old when they got here.  They have only been gone a few days and I already miss them fiercely.

I just erased three paragraphs of nonsense and complaining about this funk I'm in.  Instead of going into all the details about how I feel right now and why, I think I would rather just try to get myself out of it.

I have GOT to get rid of this feeling of hopelessness!

If I don't I really will NEVER get back on track in my journey to health.  Or to anywhere else, really. 

So, as I type this, I'm going to think of 10 good things I did today and hope they outweigh the crappy eating and no exercise I've been going through (among other things) the last few weeks.

Here goes:

1. Held Paige on our couch all morning while she writhed around uncomfortably, crying from her fever and stomach bug.  Did my best to comfort her and give her the care she needed to feel better.

2. Got out of bed and got my work done this morning.

3. Praised my three-year-old for all her help, good behavior, and patience as her sick sister threw a wrench in our plans for the day.

4. Had the intention of making today a fun day with my girls and not focusing on my house.  Zoe and I picked an activity to do and everything.  I owe her one tomorrow.

5. Cut out Zoe's tiny, detailed paper dolls so she could play with them.

6. Got through my laundry folding quickly so I could sit down and blog/ hang out with Matt and talk while he plays his video game this evening.

7. Drank all my water for the day.

8. Read my scriptures.

9.  Gushed to my friend about the beautiful gift Matt bought me for our Anniversary and how amazing he's been lately.  (He's been extra amazing.)  And now I've gushed to you guys!

10.  Finally sat down and blogged, even though I didn't feel like it because I didn't feel like I had anything good or important to say. 

Wow, you guys.

 I actually feel a lot better. 

Not like I'm cured of the funk, but definitely better.  You wouldn't believe how hard it was for me to think of good things I did.  Amazing how hard I am on myself.  I literally stared at the computer screen, after writing the first one, for a good five minutes. 

Maybe the answer to beginning to love myself is learning to recognize the good that I've done. 

That's a really new concept for my perfectionist self.  Off to ponder. 

Thanks for being my sounding board.  I know you dear, sweet people that come here don't really like to participate in these little experiments of mine, but I truly hope you will this time.  It was enough to put a smile on my face after a rough couple of days.  Maybe it will be for you too! I would love for you to join me. It doesn't have to be 10, but think of at least one good thing you did today or within the last week and share it with me. I know I'm not the only one with self love issues, and I know I'm not the only one who is in a funk or needs motivation, so please join in. You can write your own post and leave me the link, or just leave your good thing(s) in the comments.  Thanks, people. 

The Appointment (part two)

Even though I didn't get any response to the first part of this repost I still wanted to go ahead and finish this story from my past.  Or maybe it's just that I got a surprise visit from my sister, Nell and her husband and new baby and I'm a little busy soaking in as much time with them as humanly possibly.  Either way, this will be the last repost for a while.  Thanks for bearing with me on these writing dry spells!

I’ve been trying to find a minute to get on here and write about friday’s appointment, I finally found time just now, so bear with me as I try to get all this out.

My emotions were a little raw the rest of the day Friday. I just…I don’t know. I was so nervous-I’m talking fidgeting, shaking, pit-in-your-stomach nervous- all morning to go to the appointment. I thought they would do all these tests and tell me what was going on and I’d have somewhere to go from there- but I got there and all he did was talk to us, tell us that Matt needed to give a sample, gave us a couple options and said, “Everything looks normal and I’m confident you will be pregnant within the next few months.”

I suppose I should have taken that as good news, but I felt like nothing was really resolved and I was still recovering from how hard it was to even go to that appointment. I just shouldn’t have had all those expectations when I really had no idea WHAT to expect. Part of my problem is, if there’s nothing wrong with me at this point, why can’t I just get pregnant? Why didn’t they do tests on me too? Why didn’t they give us a drug, or something to try in the meantime? I went to the appointment expecting answers, and left with more questions. I suppose I should have gotten all my frustrations out while I was there…but I just felt like I was off in another world…it was the weirdest feeling…almost like having an out-of-body experience, like I wasn’t supposed to be there or something.

Today, I’m feeling ok about it. Matt took his sample in to the lab this morning so we’ll wait and see if the problem lies in that department. Once we find that out, the doctor wants to do a dye test on me- basically they flush a colored liquid through my tubes to make sure things flow freely and everything is clear. After that test, they will test to make sure my cervical mucus isn’t killing off the sperm. If that is the case, they will do artificial insemination (by the husband) to get the sperm past the cervical mucus so they will have a better chance. So, we have a plan. I feel like everything will be ok. I am trying not to worry about artificial insemination and it’s cost-since we haven’t even gotten that far yet, but it’s hard for me not to worry.

My hope is that it will be something simple. I am hoping that something like fertility drugs will fix the problem, or if there is no problem, I am hoping that Heavenly Father is sending us a child soon, that he’s just waiting for something specific to happen first. Right now, I’m just waiting- like I haven’t done enough of that in a year- to find out SOMETHING. I appreciate your comments and well wishing on my behalf, and I will continue to keep you posted.

Originally posted April 2007

The Appointment: Part one (A resurrected post)

I know I promised new stuff this week, but I'm neck deep in house updating and upkeeping stuff and I just can't muster up a new post today. So, I thought it would be interesting (especially to all my newer readers) to repost a couple posts this week from my infertility journey. We all know that I eventually conceived and now have two little ones, but the path to that point was hard. This post was after a year of trying on our own...

On Saturday Matt and I went on an amazing walk (finally) on the trail behind our house. We have decided to continue to walk there…often. I have decided, though, to write about it another day. I have to warn you, things will get a little up close and personal from here on out, so if you don’t want to know…stop reading.

Today, I am feeling a little on edge. Up until now, I have only slightly hinted at the fact that we have been trying for a baby. To say that this has been a fun and wonderful process would be an overstatement at this point. I am certain my friends and family have had it with my complaints but today, I just need to get it out.

I feel like my body is playing tricks on me. I was supposed to know today whether or not we accomplished pregnancy this month. If you think it’s funny that I used the word “accomplished”, you have never tried for a year to have a baby. Instead of knowing, I got a little trickle of the evil red stuff, no cramps and instead of the tenderness of “the twins” subsiding-as it usually does on day 1- it got worse. So, of course, my mind starts racing…trying to find one good reason for me to think…”maybe, oh maybe”…nope…gotta block that thought.

You see, I have become well trained in the art of stopping myself from thinking about the unthinkable. After the MELTDOWN last October, I’m not allowed to think “that” until I have a straight faced doctor to confirm it…twice. However, just because I have trained myself to stop those thoughts, it doesn’t mean the mind won’t try. It’s been eating at me all day…festering deep inside my brain…and tearing at my heart. I even considered buying a test…but who knows how much money I’ve spent on those already.

I am sure there are many women who have gone through the same thing I am going through. My question is…did your body play tricks on you? This isn’t the first time things like this have happened. In fact, I think there has been about 1 month out of 11 that things played out normally and I had a definitive “no”. Every other month there has been a pause and then a lot of questions. It has been absolute torture. I am not a patient person…and it is bad enough that 11 months have gone by…but does my body have to re-open the wound each time with a serrated knife?

I have almost become numb to it. I wouldn’t be surprised if/when it happens and I don’t believe it. I will be staring right into the doctor’s eyes as he tells me and I won’t believe him. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’ve decided I am incapable of this…maybe motherhood through this route isn’t my path…or maybe, I’ve just heard “no” so many times…”yes” is a far-away, forgotten word. Either way, none of these things are the reason I am on here.

Today, I made a call to the doctor…and, admitting defeat, scheduled the dreaded appointment:

Nurse: “What kind of appointment do you need to schedule?”
Me (timid): “I am not sure, I was just told to call and schedule a fertility appointment after we had been trying for a year.”
Nurse: “What date marks a year?”
Me: “April 12th, so probably something anytime after that.”

My appointment is April 13th…8:15 am. It seems so final. I know there is a road ahead…but I never thought conceiving would be so hard. You grow up thinking, “Well, when I want to have a baby, I will.” It doesn’t work that way…at least not for me. I know, I know…there is still hope. Maybe my body isn’t playing tricks on me this month…we do still have next month…but today…all I can think about is April 13th…and I’m scared.

Originally published March 2007

Self Esteem Saturdays: Journey to Health Featured!

Self Esteem Saturday Jia, of Untypically Jia, is a great friend (real life and virtual) and an amazing person. I knew her growing up through church and school and reconnected with her through blogging years later. Such a small world! I am constantly inspired by her writing and her willingness to share so much of herself with others. 

She has given me the opportunity to participate in what she calls Self Esteem Saturday where she has featured my post from last week. I would love the support if you want to stop over and say hello and I'm sure she would love to meet you as well. While you're there, click around and read some of her stuff. I promise you won't be disappointed. She is a wonderful writer and great storyteller and all around fun person. You will like her, I promise. 

If you are visiting me from her blog today, hello and welcome! Please take some time to look around and feel free to comment. We're pretty open around here and love to make new friends. If you like what you read please find a way to follow using those little buttons over there to the right. So glad to have you here!

Click here to see my post and hang out and to read some of the other Self Esteem Saturday posts. See you back here next week!

P.S. I know we've really hashed out that post a lot this week. It's just because it's so important to me. I promise to be back with new stuff next week. Happy weekend!!

Five Minute Friday: Real

I took a break from Five Minute Friday last week to post one of the hardest posts I have ever written.  But I am back in the swing this week and it's time to click over to the Gypsy Mama and join in on this wonderful writing exercise.

Today's prompt: REAL


Real can be amazing.  I decided this week to be real with myself and all of you.  I spilled my guts.  Put all my feelings out on the interwebs and posted pictures I would normally keep to myself.  It was scary and extremely hard, but I'm so glad I did it. 

Because REAL means I get to be encouraged by all you wonderful people that visit me here.  REAL means I get to hear your stories.  REAL means that you know I'm not perfect, and I know you're not perfect, but we love each other more for our imperfections. 

This week I received so many beautiful comments from you wonderful people.  And many more pageviews.  I hope sharing my story helped you or inspired you as much as your words and your visits inspired me.

It can be difficult to put our real selves out there.  Hard to present the real picture to the world.  We have so many perceived expectations of what people want from us.  From this experience, and many others, I've discovered that mostly people just want to know that everyone else's lives are just as beautiful and messy as theirs are. 

Real is what connects us.  Forms friendships.  Helps us to grow.  Helps us to become more of who we REALLY are and be better for it.  So thank you for letting me be real here, for your kindness, and for being real back.


What experiences have you had when you decide to be real with yourself and others?