I have read back through my last few months of posts and realized I've been holding back. I started this blog with little to no fear of oversharing or overstepping boundaries. I just shared what I felt. Sometimes it was graphic. Sometimes it was too emotional. Mostly, it was heartfelt, real, and allowed me a space to share anything and everything. Since a lot of people I know have started reading this blog, I stopped being open. I started censoring myself for fear that someone might not like what I said, or that someone might not want to know certain things. It was at that point that I didn't enjoy writing here anymore. So, this is an attempt at reality. If you don't already know, my name is Katrina or Kat, I go by either. Love's name is Matt or Matthew. This is my blog reborn. Over time I will remake this blog into something I can be proud of. Or at least recreate a space where I can be open and honest. It might take me a few posts to get back in the swing of things!

In the last couple months I regained 10 of the 27 pounds I recently lost. I'm so frustrated at this point. I have a very complimentary husband, but often find myself wishing he could have seen me the way I was then and not now. Months ago I lost the weight very quickly. It wasn't healthy, gradual weight loss. It was fast, grief and stress weight loss. It was a combination of not eating enough and nursing a baby. Regardless, for the first time in 6 years, I felt sexy. I felt good in my skin. I felt skinny. It was one of the few silver linings I got out of going through the divorce. Putting those pounds back on has me groaning again when I see myself naked in the mirror. Sucking in and wishing for what was in my reflection just weeks ago.

I am working on losing the weight again, but focusing more on health, strength, and maintaining an active lifestyle. Yet I worry often about the changes my body underwent with my two pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls. Everything my body has been through for them was more than worth it. Matthew loves me and tells me often that I'm skinny and beautiful and that he doesn't care about my stretchmarks. Let's be honest though, it's not pretty! Will my stretchmarks end up looking like sad, wrinkled, flabby skin if I lose the fat that's underneath them? Is it worth it to have abs if the stretch-marked skin might not allow them to show? Will I have any boobs left if I keep doing all those push ups? Will I ever look close to normal again?

Secretly, I dream of having a body like the ones on the covers of the magazines. Logic tells me that those women don't really look like that. I've seen the amount of make-up, tweaking and airbrushing done to make those photos scream perfection. My illogical side tells me those women are what our world thinks of as beautiful. I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL. Well, what I really want is to FEEL beautiful. A few weeks ago, I had a minor issues with my stretch marks and what is left of my boobs after nursing two babies, but otherwise I actually FELT beautiful. I felt confident. I felt like maybe I could turn a few heads. That mentality hasn't disappeared completely, but I want that feeling back.

Three weeks ago I took pictures on my start day of the exercise program I've been doing. I see those pictures and it's frustrating, yet also motivating. I truly believe reconditioning my body, gaining muscle and losing fat will make me feel both healthy and beautiful. (Maybe even sexy.) The biggest difference between this weight loss and the last is that this time I will work hard for it. It will happen gradually and I will notice the little differences. I will notice the fact that I actually have visible biceps. I can do (modified) pull ups for the first time in my life. I can do yoga moves I never thought I could even attempt. I can live an active lifestyle with my husband and teach myself and our kids how to love and take care of our bodes. I do have fears about what will happen to my post pregnancy body as I make changes to it through fitness. My hope is that any oddities pregnancy may have created will be outweighed by the feeling of accomplishment when I push play on the 90th day. Or the first time I can do a pushup off my knees. Or maybe the day I fit better in my clothes from 10 pounds ago. Those are the important things. If it turns out those things are not enough, there's always the option of surgery!

P.S. I would love to hear thoughts from both men and women on the issues of fitness, post pregnancy bodies, and body image.

Goals: February and March Update

I'm proud to say that even though my life has drastically changed again, I have still been working on my 28 goals. Since January I have completed 3 of the 28. I know I didn't post my goals on here for February and March, but I did assign them. Here's how I'm doing so far.


#9 Replace porch light bulb: DONE! My fabulous Home Teachers ended up replacing it after they asked me if there was anything they could do for me. The light bulb had been broken for months and the metal piece was still stuck in the socket. Even though I didn't do it myself, I did allow some great people to help me out. (This goal wasn't assigned in January, but it was completed in January.)

#7 Read 100 books: Sadly time has not allowed me to stay on top of this goal. At this point I have only read 2. I am currently working on my 3rd. The year is not over. Maybe Summer and some road trips will allow me some more reading time. For now I will continue to do what I can.

#3 Exercise regularly: I'm proud to say I am on my 3rd week of exercising 6 days a week using the P90x program! It is hard, but I'm loving it! I feel stronger already and also really enjoy exercising with Love. This goal is one I want to keep up with for my lifetime, so I will update on it regularly throughout the year.

#13 Sing full voiced as often as possible: I'm doing much better on this, but could definitely sing more often. I'm thinking of maybe getting involved in Church choir or something. We shall see. :)

#8 Take more pictures than last year: I try to pull my camera out more often than I was and am doing better. However, I know I can do better than I am, so I'm still working on this one.


#2 Decide where to live: DONE! I have a life, a house, great friends, and (once again) family here. As much as I miss my family and friends in New Mexico, I feel like Utah is where I'm supposed to stay. At least for now.

#19 Pray Morning and Night (at least): I'm doing great on evening prayers and have been for a couple months. Still working on morning prayers. It's mostly that I procrastinate getting out of bed until I'm running late...

# 6 Potty train Zoe: I'm failing miserably at this. Mostly because I just don't even know where to start! Any ideas??

#12 Play flute 2-3 times per week: I haven't even attempted to start this one. Will probably refocus on it in April.


#4 Learn to overcome some of my OCD tendencies: I'm still working on this one. I am doing much better in some areas and terrible in others. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop the thoughts that rush through my head when things aren't how I think they should be...but I'm learning to ignore them a bit better.

#18 Read scriptures daily: DONE! I have been reading my scriptures daily for a couple months now. I have noticed a calmness about myself, my family members and in my home since doing this so I plan to continue. Also, I have enjoyed learning more about the gospel and gaining greater knowledge of the scriptures.

#22 Drink 64 ounces of water daily on a regular basis: Exercise has me drinking this amount or more on most days...but not every day. Still working to be better. I DID cut out soda though!!!!

Stay tuned for April's goals and future updates!

Life Happens

Once again I have become a hermit in the blogging world. Life seems to keep leading me to forks in the road and I've been forced to make a lot of tough decisions over the past few months. The most recent decision was that, after everything we've been through recently, Love and I decided to work things out. We got remarried about a month ago and have been very happy. I'm finally feeling like life is going to allow me a bit of time to settle into things again. I have been busy working, exercising, spending time with my husband (:D) and my girls and trying to keep up with my goals. I've done fairly well so far. Not sure I'm going to reach my reading goal...trying! I will do some updating in the next few days on goals, put up some pictures and videos, and etc. For now I just wanted to say hello to anyone who still reads this little blog and let you know I'm alive and well and HAPPY!