How Do You Fill Your Bucket?

I always thought I had to lose myself in Motherhood.

Don't get me wrong, in a lot of ways, we do.  The hours, the demands, the putting another person's interests before your own and so many other facets of motherhood, it changes you.  But when I became a mother I found that completely losing myself didn't work for me. In fact, it didn't work for my kids either.
 

I spent my first year of motherhood completely devoted to my Zoe.  When you have a newborn this is necessary in a lot of ways. They are completely dependent on you.  As they hit milestones they look to you to navigate them through rolling over, crawling, walking, eating, and playing. Not to mention it had taken us over two years to conceive her.  She was my sole focus in life before she ever even existed here on earth.  So I gave her my time.  Matt and I almost never went on dates or she would often come with us if we did. He was not my focus, let alone me.

After the first year I started to feel human again. I was done nursing, I started showering in the mornings again instead of whenever I could find a minute, I tried to get out of the house more.  Yet my days were still centered around Zoe's nap schedule. Life was still all about her. Then I got pregnant with Paige.

My second pregnancy was completely different from my first. I was down and out. If I was upright I was unbearably nauseous. Plus I had to take care of a 16 month old and still work. I was exhausted all the time. I felt like I could barely function.  As the pregnancy progressed, things got a bit easier, but it was a hard pregnancy and by the end of it, I was so completely done.

When Paige was born, I made her my world again. At the expense of Zoe and my marriage and especially myself.  She was a very sleepy baby, but only during the day. At night she was hard to get to sleep. Plus, she had acid reflux like her sister- making life with a baby and a two year old even harder. At the time, I was in survival mode. I felt I was barely hanging on, but I made it through the days and we found a routine.
 

Two months later my marriage fell apart.  

Now, there were many reasons for this, but what it really boiled down to was that we had not nurtured our relationship in a very long time and communication was not something we had worked at.  He had his faults and I had mine.  To say it was a difficult time is a massive understatement.  I was broken and in pain.
 

Almost overnight I became a single Mom with two small children and a job. I would stay up late at night and examine myself and my life.  I lost a lot of weight in a very short time.  As I stared into the mirror at the face that then looked so much like the face of my youth I realized I had no idea who I was anymore.  I was so lost in motherhood and in my image of myself as a wife that I had forgotten to hang on to the things that made me who I was.  My kids didn't know how much I loved music and writing.  Zoe had such a hard time gaining a sister because I had made her my whole world until that wasn't possible anymore.  I had given my family everything I had except what they really needed: Me.

It was at that moment that I discovered the most important lesson I have learned so far:

Motherhood doesn't require us to give up who we are.

So I made some immediate changes.  I started doing things that made me feel like myself.  Things I enjoyed.  I shared them with my children.  I let them hear me sing aloud in the house and play the piano.  I pulled out my flute.  I started writing again.  I thought for so long that doing these things, taking "time away from them" to do things I loved would be selfish.  I learned that our children need to see who we are.  They need to see what makes us special. 

Our children were sent to us for a reason.  We have talents and gifts that are best suited towards raising them to be the best people they can be.  Putting aside things we love, losing ourselves in our children, not remembering to care for ourselves is not a service to them or to us.  How will we raise them to have self confidence, to love who they are, to believe that they can be anyone or anything they choose to be if we don't set the example?

Matt and I fixed our marriage.  We learned the hard way what happens when a relationship isn't properly nourished.  We learned to communicate and to help each other become our best selves.  We learned that the best thing we can do for our kids together is provide them the stability and example of a good marriage.  Similarly, we must properly nourish ourselves so we don't fall apart.

The last few years I have explored this concept further.  I started running and got into fitness and healthy eating and really started paying attention to my body and my spirit.  I now know that in order to give my kids my best self, I have to take care of me, too. 

I have learned more about myself.  I know that I need to recharge after being around a lot of people.  I know that my temper is triggered by lack of sleep, stress, and feeling rushed.  I know that I feel more powerful and in control when I get a workout in every day- not to mention the endorphins, energy and the stress relief that gives me.  I know that when I provide my body with good food I have the energy to accomplish my tasks AND give my kids what they need from me.  I know that too much sugar makes my emotions less stable.  I know that reading scriptures, saying prayers, and allowing myself moments of silence throughout the day helps me to get my mind, body and spirit working together and in the right place.  I know that some days I just need to curl up with a good book, do yoga, write, or get in a good, mind-cleansing run.

Knowing all these things doesn't help me to be perfect, but it does help me to be a better Mother, wife, and person.

I look at it this way.  I have a bucket.  From this bucket I give my kids love, basic care, a listening ear, playtime, taxi service, help with homework as well as trying to teach them to love our Heavenly Father and be kind human beings.  Also from this bucket I love and support my husband and give him what he needs from me.  The bucket provides the means to fulfill responsibilities to my job and in my home.  It is where I find my ability to fulfill my church callings and my ability to serve others.  The bucket is how I remember to nurture the important relationships in my life.  Or do necessary things like buy the groceries and pay the bills.  The bucket allows me to do everything I need to do in my life.  If that bucket is empty, how can I possibly accomplish all these things?  I have to fill up that bucket regularly if I am going to keep using it.

My little world needs that bucket...and that bucket is ME! 

I am not saying that we should be selfish.  I am not saying to ignore your baby's screaming to finish a workout.  I am not saying to lock yourself in your room with a book for a whole day and let your toddler run freely.  Or that being a devoted Mom is a bad thing.  I am not saying that a newborn baby doesn't take every ounce of time and energy you have.  I am not telling you to exercise!  I am not saying you aren't enough because you ARE!

I am just suggesting that by taking better care of ourselves, perhaps we learn to better care for others.  Or, at least, we offer the best of what we have. There will come a time as a person, a wife, a mother, a parent, a friend, or even an employee that you will feel depleted.  You will feel like you can't stay upright, you cannot give another ounce, you cannot take another step, lift another finger.  Your bucket will be empty or close to it.  When that time comes you will need to know who you are and what you need to do to keep going. 

How do you fill your bucket?



 

Teetering

I find it difficult to blog lately.  Not just because I've been dealing with flooding under my brand new floor, finishing projects, work and all the normal stuff, but also just because I don't really feel like I know what to write about.  So, please excuse my jumbled thoughts.

Lately I've felt a sort of disconnect from my life.  I feel so off balance.  I know this is partly because the projects on our house have imposed on our normal routine.  Also, I haven't focused on my health as much lately.  Or my spirituality.  I guess that's the problem.  I'm not focused. 

I'm working toward a goal of getting all these little house projects finished.  And while they are important, and will be nice, they are eating up time I would have spent working on my goals.

I spend my days ticking off boxes on endless to do lists.  While this does give me a sense of accomplishment, and I have been working hard, it leaves me feeling like I haven't done anything real.  At least nothing that will matter in the grand scheme of things. 

I feel a little bit empty and not very happy.  It doesn't help that I feel terrible about all the TV my kids watched while we were redoing the house.  Or that I haven't been taking care of myself the way I want to.

Today I spent some time playing with my girls.  I only got half the things done I wanted to, but I felt a little better for having spent some meaningful time with my children.  I really focused on keeping a kind tone and it was amazing the difference we felt in our home today.

Which made me think that the direction I need to take is to go back to the basic important things in my life.

I feel it's time to prioritize again.  I need to figure out what goal I want to focus on right now and set aside time for it.  I need to remember to keep my Heavenly Father as a close friend in my life.  I need to spend real, quality time with my family.  I REALLY need to spend some quality time on me.

It seems sort of silly to write about my struggles to find balance and peace in my life on this blog.  But I guess that is part of the journey to finding equipoise.  I know that a perfect state of balance is impossible.  I also know that I've been a lot closer before than I am now.  It's a work in progress.

I guess I just needed to vent...and come up with a plan.  And now I have.  So, thank you for that.  I'd like another favor though.  Tell me, what do you do when you feel disconnected or unbalanced??

Forgiveness: Part One

Forgiveness is a difficult topic to write about.  It's something personal and situational so it's hard to be general about it. But I'm going to try because I have a few things to say about it.  So many that this will take two posts.  Bear with me.

In my young life I have had many opportunities to forgive.  I say opportunities because that is how I view the chance to release someone from the guilt I'm holding over them.  I forgive in-part because it is my nature.  I forgive because I believe that is what we are supposed to do.  I forgive because it helps me to feel more balanced and less weighed down.

Since before I can remember, I have been relatively quick to forgive.  It hasn't always been a perfect forgiveness (we'll discuss this later) but often has been about me having to let go of the feelings.  I am not one to hold onto a grudge, anger, sadness or even guilt.  I definitely beat myself up over things, but I don't do it for long before I let it go.  I do the same for the people who impact my life with their mistakes.

Unlike some who do this, I don't release the emotion before I have passed through it fully.  I feel it all, get through it and move on.  In many ways this is beneficial to me.  It allows me to live with no regrets.  It allows me to work through problems and then move forward.  It could possibly be why I have no gray hairs.  Funny, but seriously, it could.

There are many things I have been through in my life that I have had to examine and eventually forgive someone for.  I'm not talking about petty things, small indiscretions, I'm talking about life-changing moments that had a huge impact on my life.  Most of those times I have literally told them I forgave them, others it was more of an inner forgiveness.  I am not about to drudge up all that history of mine and reveal their stories on the Internet for the world to see.  While it may be illustrative in my point, part of forgiveness is letting go- which means not continually bringing it up.  (Though, as I have done before, I will discuss my divorce a bit.)

Instead, I would like to go through my personal formula for forgiving someone, and the reasons why I do it, and why I think everyone should forgive.  Just to clarify: these are all my opinions and how my mind works.

Recognize

The first step to forgiveness is recognizing that there was a wrong done.  There are two ways this happens.  In the best of circumstances this is done by both parties.  Otherwise, it's just you knowing something wrong was done to you or impacted you and the other person either has no idea, doesn't care, or refuses to take responsibility.

In the best case scenario, this person knows what they did, they have apologized, and they are not going to do it again.  In this scenario, we are going to take this person at their word.  I call this the best case scenario because it is measurably easier to forgive someone who recognizes that what they did was wrong and is willing to own their mistake, apologize, and ask for forgiveness.  Sincerity obviously plays a large role in this scenario.  Especially in a case where trust was broken.  I firmly believe that you can gauge sincerity no matter where trust stands between you.

In other scenarios, it's all on you.  You recognize the wrong and then move on to step two.

Communicate

It is usually best if the person recognizes on their own that they did something wrong and talks to you about it.  It shows they are sincere and are genuinely sorry.  In some cases they may simply not have known they did something to impact you and once they find out, they too are sorry.  If they have apologized they might allow you to ask questions, get some answers, some closure, some truth, and allow you to process things before you forgive them. This is the most beneficial type of forgiveness for both parties. It allows for communication, a bit of self-induced therapy, and a sort of air-clearing. All of those things allow for a much more positive experience in forgiveness and often the best repair to a relationship if that is the case.

You certainly have a choice of whether or not to bring it up with the person.  In many cases this is beneficial if only to let them know that it impacted you and sometimes will lead to the best case scenario.  Sometimes they won't be willing to take responsibility for their actions, they might get angry, they might try to blame you or get defensive.  It is generally fruitless to attempt to convince them that they were wrong.  In this case, letting them know you were upset is enough to get the process of forgiveness going.  It just means they won't be much of a part of it.

In the event that the other party is unwilling to communicate with you civilly, it is helpful to find someone you trust to discuss the issue if it is bigger than you can deal with.  Counselling is there for a reason.  Otherwise, a religious leader, a mentor or even a very trusted friend can help you through this situation and give you a different perspective.  Just be careful who you air your feelings to. 

Anger can be a hard thing to keep from spreading around.  Trust me when I tell you that talking about someone behind their back- even if it's well deserved in your mind- will always come back to bite you somehow.  It is better to get your real feelings out directly to someone than it is to get them out to a third party and have that person find out second or third-hand.  Bottom line, if you need someone to vent to, make sure you can trust them.  Otherwise, vent in prayer, on paper, or aloud to no one in particular.  Just make sure that you communicate your feelings somehow.  Get them out so you can move on.

Feel

I was watching an episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive last night and the therapist said something that struck me as a major truth.  It was something like, "It takes far more courage to feel feelings then it does to shut them off."  For some reason, society has decided that emotion is taboo.  We are a "get over it", "move on", "you've been crying or sad for too long" society.  Yes, there are limits to how deeply or how long someone should feel or deal with something before it should be called depression.  Especially if it was extreme or traumatic.  But often people think or feel that they are weak for crying or being upset.  I don't believe this to be true.

To hide feelings may seem beneficial in the moment.  The problem with hidden feelings is they eventually have to come out somewhere.  Take the example of the show I was watching.  Hoarders are a great example of what can become of feelings not felt.  You can't escape feelings.  If you don't deal with them, they can take over and express themselves in extreme ways from overreacting to an entirely different issue, to hoarding, to literally losing your mind.

The point is: feel it.  Deal with it NOW.  Putting it off will only make it more difficult.  Holding it in, especially if it's a bunch of small things say with your spouse, or being mistreated at work, or a friend who takes advantage of you, will never help it to be better.  Hidden feelings compound on themselves until they combine and create an explosion.  Dealing with them one at a time is always better.

I remember when I went through my divorce.  The feelings I felt then were the most extreme feelings I had ever experienced.  It was impossible to contain them.  I cried until there were no more tears.  I was more angry than I had ever been.  I was irrational and sometimes crazy.  I was this way for a long time.  I remember the day when I finally felt like I had a handle on things again.  I was in no way normal, my life still felt like it was in shambles, but I knew everything would be OK...no matter what happened.  It was then that I knew I had felt everything I needed to feel and could move forward.  The feelings came back in spurts here and there, but they weren't nearly as extreme, and I dealt with them too.  It was hard.  Ugly and horrible.  But imagine what would have happened had I tried to contain them.

If the other party doesn't want to take responsibility, is trying to deny guilt, or is angry, they might try to tell you that you're being irrational.  Don't let anyone tell you to feel differently than you do.  Ever.  You feel the way you do for a reason.  You are not crazy.  You are not emotional.  You are who you are and you feel what you feel.  Find out why you feel that way, do something about it, go through it.  Only then will you truly be able to move on.

I could go on about this forever.  Instead I will reiterate one more time.  FEEL IT.  Don't be afraid of your feelings.  Embrace them so you can move forward.

To be continued...

Up in the night...

Do you ever feel judged?  I know there have been several times in my life where I felt very judged.  Why is it that people have to have an opinion on how I live my life, what I choose to do with it, and who I spend it with?  Now I'm not saying I'm perfect and have never judged anyone.  I do have my opinions, but I try not to share those opinions with the person if I think it will make them feel judged.  Though I'm sure it has happened.  (And I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel judged.)

Last night I had a hard time sleeping for several reasons, but one of them was that something happened that make me feel judged for choosing to get remarried.  It's true that getting remarried has changed a lot of what I thought might occur this year.  Maybe I haven't done as much as I wanted to this year.  Maybe if I had stayed single I could have done more.  I did have a lot more time to myself then.  To me, time to myself is overrated when compared to having my family whole.

My question is, how would that have been better than reuniting my family?  Do you have any idea what this has done for GOOD for us?  Maybe you have an idea, but only we know the benefits we have seen from this decision.  Just because an opinion seems right for one person, doesn't mean it's right for me.

Is our life perfect?  Absolutely not!  Do we have struggles?  Absolutely.  Are we perfect for each other?  Is anyone?  What we know is that we love each other and it's worth it to us to work on any issues in order to be together and keep our family together.  It's worth the hard questions we get from Zoe each night like, "Mom, Dad, are you not going anywhere?"  It's worth reassuring her and ourselves that we intend to keep working forever to make sure she (and we) never has that fear again.

The only people who could/can make this decision are Matt and me.  We know what is best for us.  Am I still working to improve myself along with improving my marriage?  Of course!  But I have a lot of other things on my plate.  Life is all about balance.  In my life, I cannot choose to ONLY focus on myself.  I have children, a husband, work, responsibilities, AND myself to take care of.  All those things take a lot of time.  And I would appreciate some respect for everything I am responsible for.

We all have our own story.  We all have things and issues we are dealing with.  How about we waste less time judging and feeling judged and spend more time finding out how to help each other?

Sorry for the rant, people.  I just had to get that out.  Thanks!

Five Minute Friday: In Real Life

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: In real life...

Go.

I like to pretend that the perfectionist in my head is the actual person who writes this blog.  I would like people to think that I keep my house perfectly and my children behave perfectly all the time and that I never lose my cool.  I would like people to think that my remarriage is going swimmingly and that we never have problems.  I would like people to think that I'm still as skinny as I was a few months ago.  I would like to think this, but I know it's not true.  I try to be honest on this blog, so I hope none of you think any of those things.

In real life, I am a perfectionist, but my busy life of working from home, motherhood, marriage and everything else on my plate doesn't allow for perfectionism.  That is as it should be.  Does it still plague me that my baseboards need to be wiped and my oven needs to be cleaned, of course!  But most days I'm happy just to get a shower in. 

My children are crazy little monsters, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for anything.  They can be sweet and loving and lovable...but they can also be screaming balls of fire and brimstone and I often lose my cool.  We do a lot of apologizing in our house.

My marriage is going fine.  We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we have our past issues added to that and they are hard to overcome sometimes.  But we love each other enough to keep working at it everyday, keep going on dates to reconnect, and keep being honest.

I've gained back 2/3 of the weight I lost during my divorce and am almost back to where I was after Paige was born.  I'm working on it, but it bothers me so I don't write on it much.

So, as you can see, in real life, though I am ALWAYS working to balance things, and working to be better, my life is just like yours, a little messy.  And that's OK.  Real life is a little messy.

Stop.

Tell me something real about you and/or your life!  (Also, if you have not yet, please click one of those buttons up there and find a way to follow me.)  :)

Five Minute Friday: Rest

I'm very happy to say, and this has nothing to do with this post, that I have been very good with my workouts this week. Feeling accomplished.

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)
Today's prompt is: Rest

Go.

I have a hard time resting. My mind goes a million miles an hour ALL THE TIME. Ask Matt. A question he often poses to me: "Does your mind EVER turn off?" My answer is always "no".
Recently, I have started to notice that my kids are exhibiting behaviors that they only display when I'm too busy. I don't like that I am making them feel like I'm too busy to do fun things.

I have a really hard time letting go of the fact that my work is never done. Often I feel that if I could just get one day where I don't have to work or care for my kids I could finally get it all done. But I know that is silly because, in truth, "GETTING IT ALL DONE" is impossible. No matter how much I accomplished in that one day, there would always be more.

What this has all lead me to believe is that, perhaps, I just need to pick the most important things I have on my "To Do" list each day, get them done, and spend the rest of my time playing with my kids. OR, spending a few moments with myself doing some purposeful resting. Letting my mind and body recharge. Shall we say find a balance? Guess I have something to work on.

Stop.

Do you give yourself time to rest? Tell me how! Or how you plan to!

Five Minute Friday: Older

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: Older

Go.

As I hit the latter part of my twenties I am starting to feel the effects of getting older. Starting to notice that I have a little more trouble losing weight than I used to. Starting to notice fine lines and wrinkles around my eyes. Finding a white hair.

I do fear getting older physically. I have a lot of worries about how my body will carry me through the years. Will I get diabetes since I am at risk from having gestational diabetes? Will I have issues with memory in my late age? Will I be able to run and play with my children and their children? Will my joints or my insides cause me issues?

However, the older I get the more I notice my excitement for growth. My age carries with it a lot more wisdom than my younger self. I have been through a lot of things. My young adult years, my marriage, infertility, parenthood, divorce, remarriage. I have gained so much from all those different times.

I feel like an experienced mother. People come to me for parenting advice sometimes! As a young woman I thought kids were annoying and had trouble imagining myself as a Mother. Now I would never trade my two little gifts for anything.

I have learned a lot about me. What I love and hate about myself. What I can change and can't change.

I think the greatest thing about getting older is looking forward to everything I have to learn, everything I have to gain, and all the joys, and yes even the trials that I have to overcome. I have learned that I can handle no matter what comes my way. I know that God will not put anything in my path that he doesn't think I am capable of. I know I will spend this life looking for ways to be a better person, a better Mother, a better wife, a better friend and especially finding ways to become closer to God.

So, even with all the fears I have of the physical part of getting older, I know I am here to learn. And that is what I intend to do.

Stop.

Shutdown

I have this tendency. Being a perfectionist my whole life, I have always been a little embarrassed of this tendency. Yet here I am admitting it on the internet hoping it will cleanse me a bit.

When I get overwhelmed I shut down. Completely.

Right now my house in in shambles, I haven't blogged in weeks, I'm a bit behind on my work, I have a "to do" list a mile long, I have calls to make, a car to have repaired (another story for another day) and a million other things I can't even remember right now.

It's overwhelming.

And I haven't even begun to tackle any of it.

I don't know if my brain just doesn't know how to process that much to do. To break it down. To prioritize. Or if I just have this lazy streak in me that comes out when I've had enough of the endless "trying to stay on top of things" mindset I usually run on.

I had to take another trip to New Mexico (yet another story), which I am so grateful I got to take. However, all the time away from home allowed me to get used to living without a massive list of things to do. And that little part of it was nice.

Meanwhile, that list kept growing in my absence and I returned unsure of where to even start!
Add to that our attempt to give Zoe some clear rules and responsibility and a teething baby. This week I just gave up.

The problem with a perfectionist mentality and shutdown mode coexisting is that I get a huge pile of anxiety to add to my already overwhelmed mind. And it shows. I don't sleep well, tossing and turning, I can't shut my mind off, I beat myself up over not getting anything done, I feel embarrassed when people see the results of shutdown mode, which gives me more anxiety.

Then I just feel awful.

Luckily, the anxiety usually wins out and I decide to do something about the mess I've tried to ignore. I guess I've started with blogging. Not the best priority to pick, maybe, but I do feel better getting all this off my chest. Next is the mountain of laundry I'm going to fold and then the kitchen I need to tackle and then that pesky "to do" list will start to get checked off and all will be right in the world again.

Until I get overwhelmed again...and shutdown again...and the cycle continues. Sigh.

Anyone else have this issue?

Five Minute Friday: Whole

Has it really been two weeks since I posted? I tried so hard to keep up with this on line life of mine but I got too busy with real life and the importance of what was/is going on in my family so I took a long break. I feel more refreshed now.

I am back in town, still trying to put my house back together after being gone so long. Posting will continue but it will not be every day. I love blogging but it is becoming all-consuming. Since this blog is about finding a balance that doesn't seem right. I hope you'll continue to follow along!

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: Whole

Go.
After a few days of being home and getting back to the craziness that is my life I have realized that a part of me feels very empty. That part of me that is filled with the laughter and inside jokes of my family. That part of me that feels just right beside my sister talking about pregnancy and babies and the future. That part of me that saw my new niece for the first time. That part of me that smiles as I watch them play and interact with my kids. That part of me that recognizes this warm, safe place as home.

I was in New Mexico for nearly three weeks. Always when I go home I am ready to leave for MY home by the end of the trip. Mostly because I like my routine and the life we have created here. While I still treasure my life, family and friends here, this departure from home was measurably more difficult. I felt a deep weight on my chest as I said goodbye to my newest niece, the brother I saw for only a few days after two years of separation, and the family I can never seem to get enough of.

There is a part of me that wishes I could combine the two lives I feel I lead. The life I live everyday and the life I have to visit and then leave behind. If only it were possible I know I would feel whole and not always have a half-empty feeling. If only.

Stop.

What makes you feel whole? What makes you feel empty? Please leave a comment and share with us. If you have not yet, please take a moment to find a way to follow me!

Five Minute Friday: Full

It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)

Today's prompt is: Full

Go.

My days are full of the pitter-patter of little feet. Shrieks and giggle and silly jokes. Conversations with a little girl who speaks with words wiser than her years, but with the logic of a three-year-old. Ear to ear smiles from an almost one-year-old who's eyes could peirce your soul. Full of "mom", "mommy", "mama". Tears and tantrums and frustration. Endless energy and boundless joy and sadness.

No fear of what peope will think if they dance or sing in public. Talk to or smile at strangers. Enlist anyone nearby to help them. Say, "Of course!" when asked for help. No boundaries or walls exist for them. Repetition of games, songs, phrases. Trial and error.

I watch my kids as they go through every experience in life and see how they live it to the fullest. They aren't just sad, they are devastated. They aren't just happy, they are ecstatic. Laughter is loud and full. Able to find joy in seeing an ant or an airplane. Always observing the world around them.
Watching them brings a fullness to my soul. This is the way to live.

Stop.

What do you do to live life to the fullest??

Just Love Them

Since getting to New Mexico we have been staying with my sister, Nell, and her husband, Chad. I have really enjoyed the time with her! My sister's house is beautifully decorated. In other words, so not baby proof!

My girls have simultaneously loved and had a hard time here. We are all sharing one room, they can't touch "anything", Mommy didn't bring very many toys, and there's no place to play outside. On the other hand, Aunt Nell spoils them, they have free reign of our childhood barbie collection, they get lots of attention, and surprisingly they've done fairly well here.

On the other hand, their schedule has been thrown off so they aren't always getting enough sleep. (What is it about changing your environment that you can't seem to function quite right? Or is it just me?) Unfortunately, lack of sleep has led to clingy girls, attention hogging, whining, crying and temper tantrums. While these things are usually part of our day, it's not usually to this extent. Being the only parent here (Matt is still in Utah until Sunday) has been very taxing.

I have spent most of my days here frustrated with my girls. It's exhausting to constantly be clinged to, whined at, screamed at, and disrespected. Sometimes I almost want to cry when they get like this. My patience well is running so low I am actually feeling happy I have to work 8 hours today so I can get a break.

While all of this is quite a normal cycle in the life of a parent with young children, I started thinking tonight of the bigger picture.

I am here in New Mexico to support my younger sister, Kristin, and her husband, Cameron, as they were thrust into parenthood much earlier than expected. I've watched them brave the storm of the first few days when we weren't even sure their baby, Isabella, was going to make it. I've watched as each time they were faced with hard procedures or a difficult prognosis. I've watched as they got snippets of good news. I've watched as they fought and never gave up hope. They stayed strong and brave through all of it.


In the last few days things have really looked up. They finally got to hold their precious, tiny miracle, bathe her, feed her (through a feeding tube) and begin to look towards a future of taking her home.
I watched their weathered faces gradually brighten with hope and love and happiness in a situation that is still precarious, but stable for now. They love her with everything they have, want the very best for her, want her to be happy. Mostly, they are grateful every day that she is alive and here with them.

This is parenting at it's best.

And it took me back to the first time I held Zoe and Paige. It reminded me of all the promises I made to myself and to them in those first moments of parenthood. Especially the first time around when you go into it completely blind and find that parenting is all about learning as you go. When you think you won't make the same mistakes your parents, friends, and neighbors did.

People try to tell you how hard parenting can be. I've often said myself that parenting is the most frustrating, yet most rewarding thing I've ever done. Yet no one told me, and no one really could have put it into words, the day-to-day frustrations of parenting. Especially how it builds up.
When your kids are being difficult, it is sometimes hard to remember the pure joy of those first moments. It's hard to remember to find joy in the every day moments with them. It's hard to appreciate the sweet moments on the days where they are far and few between.

While I've been busy feeling frustrated with my children, Cameron and Kristin are grateful for another day with theirs. While I get annoyed with how clingy my girls are, they waited for days just to be able to hold Isabella. While I get tired of the whining, they are giddy over every movement and noise.

While I contemplated this, I thought to myself, "These are your most precious blessings! Your job is to love them, care for them, teach them and support them. NO MATTER WHAT!" Instantly I felt like I needed to reevaluate myself as a parent. Zoe and Paige are kids. They are allowed to be roller coasters of emotion. It is my job to be their solid ground, their cheerleader, and their teacher. Mostly I just need to show them as much love as I possibly can.

I love being Zoe and Paige's Mom. I am grateful for my girls. I do feel blessed to have them in my life. What needs to change is I need to show them that I feel this way. Show them my joy more and my frustration less. Use my calm voice more and my loud one less. Be more gentle and kind and patient (even when it seems impossible) so they will learn to be more gentle and kind and patient. I want to remember this time in our lives as a happy time and not a frustrated time.

The only way I know how to do this is to make the commitment today and make the better choice at every opportunity. I know I won't be perfect at it. But if I can do better every day, then we will be happier.

I knew the second I met her that Isabella would be an inspiration in my family. I knew she would have a lot to teach us. I didn't realized it would happen so quickly. Or that my little sister could be such an example to me. Your prayers and good thoughts for my family and for Isabella continue to be appreciated.

What challenges do you face in your life? Have you ever had an epiphany that made you want to change things? Leave me a comment! I love to hear from you.

July Goals

At the beginning of the year I came up with 28 Goals (new page) I wanted to accomplish my 28th year. Here's where I stand:

#7 I'm at 5 books. This is very frustrating to me.

#3 Exercise has completely died. "Just do it" needs to be my mantra.

#19 Morning prayers are still a struggle.

#6 Potty training is COMPLETE!!!! I cannot tell you how happy this makes me.

#22 Water is still not where I want it to be.

#12 My poor flute remains untouched, still.

#28 My nervous habit...still biting my cuticles. Maybe if I started getting manicures I wouldn't be so inclined to bite them? Anyone have trouble with this??

#8 Take more pictures than last year (especially of Paige). I am happy with my progress here.

#15 Take walks regularly. Still working on it.

# 20 Learn to be on time. I am still horrible at being late. ALWAYS.

#23 Write More Poetry- I wrote one. It was terrible. Will keep working.

#11 Play the Piano 2-3 times a week- I played two times this month.

#1 Go Back To School (need to start looking into it!)- haven't started. Not sure I'm going to try this year at this point.

#14 Do one public music performance. I'm still going to post a video, but I keep having throat pain. It went away and then came back. As soon as it feels a bit better I will work on it.

I have so many goals that I'm working on at this point, I'm not going to assign any for July. In truth, I'm feeling pretty pessimistic about them right now.

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed by your goals?

What Divorce Taught Me About Marriage

As I have hinted here in a few posts, Matt and I went through a very rough time during the second half of last year. Our marriage disintegrated before my eyes, completely out of the blue, he left, and eventually we were divorced. A couple months later we decided to work things out and got remarried. At some point I will write what I can about those few months, but today I want to talk about part of the reason that we traveled that road.

Make Loving You Easier

For nearly seven years we lived comfortably in the cocoon of this thought: "He/she will love me no matter what." This is not an uncommon thought to have in marriage. Certainly, we should feel that way about our spouses. The danger comes in being COMFORTABLE in that thought. Feeling comfortable led us to believe we could treat each other however we wanted and know they would always be there. It led us to take each other for granted.

Marriage takes work. Working on showing each other love and appreciation does not stop the day you say "I Do". This is not to say that we never showed appreciation for each other, but we certainly didn't make a daily effort of it.

Since being remarried, we have been working together on our bodies and appearance for ourselves and for each other. We send "I love you, gorgeous!" texts, leave little notes of love and appreciation, provide acts of service, and lots of other little acts of appreciation.



Most importantly, we discuss our issues and work them out together. Does your spouse know how much you love them, what you appreciate about them, and how beautiful they are to you? If you didn't tell them that today, stop what you're doing right now and find a way to let them know. We'll wait....

...

Ready? Ok, let's move on.

Don't Avoid Conflict

Matt and I don't like to fight. Rarely will you find us in a screaming match. I always thought this was because we had a good marriage and got along so well. It turns out that we were just keeping our thoughts/frustrations from each other to avoid conflict. Sounds great, right? No fighting?

Unfortunately, those thoughts and frustrations have to come out somewhere. For us they came out to friends or family, they became silent resentments, or they festered until we did have a big fight and exploded that way. I always thought this was normal and healthy. It is not.

Your spouse should be the person you go to with your frustrations. Not a friend, parent, sibling, or anyone else. If you can't resolve it together, try counseling. A middle party may be able to help you see things more clearly.

Since reuniting we have worked hard on how to handle conflict in our marriage. For us, as in many other marriages, one of us pursues the issues and the other withdraws from them.

Pursuers tend to want to discuss the issue as soon as it comes up, they can be very pushy, they want to have one conversation, resolve it, and get over it. Their fear is having the withdrawer want to talk about it later and then it never comes up again or gets resolved.

Withdrawers need breaks, they need time to think, prepare and cool down. They feel conversations are one-sided because the pursuer is so pushy and they are so hesitant. They fear conflict escalating, they don't want discussions to become fights so they try not to discuss anything.

We have to learn how to balance those personalities. The pursuer has to respect that the withdrawer might not want to discuss it "right now", that they might need to take a break and come back to the subject later.

The withdrawer has to respect that the pursuer needs to have the conflict resolved and, if they need a break, they have to say when the subject can be discussed again and are responsible for bringing it up.

The pursuer has to learn to trust the withdrawer to follow through and the withdrawer has to trust that the pursuer won't bring it up again before that time.



This is NOT an easy thing to do. We also have to do our best to be our best selves, remain calm, try not to get defensive and really work at listening to and understanding each others points of view BEFORE we attempt to resolve the conflict or issue.

When we are successful at all of these things, conflict actually brings us closer. We can trust each other to respect our differing opinions/personalities and are willing to bring up our deepest thoughts, fears, dreams, worries, etc.

You Are Not Perfect

It is easy to get trapped in the thought that your way is the right way. We all grew up in different households, cultures, family dynamics and day to day lives. Anyone who thinks they can enter a marriage and not have to change at least the little things is delusional. Marriage is about give and take. This is something I struggle with.

I am a perfectionist. Until recently, I thought this meant that I would always be a perfectionist. I have learned that, while my mind may always think this way, I can choose to be different. For example, I can let Matt clean the bathroom and not get frustrated that the faucet isn't perfectly polished.


It is not easy to choose to be different than you think you should be. There are some things that you should never compromise about yourself, but there are a lot of small things that you can change to make things run more smoothly in your marriage.

What small changes can you make to improve the harmony in your home?

If You Don't Grow Together, You Will Grow Apart

When Zoe was born and I went back to work we found it difficult to get out alone together. We had family watching her for work and didn't want to ask them to keep her so we could go on dates. We had never paid a babysitter, the thought never really crossed our minds. So, we would go out to eat a lot and bring Zoe along.

Our first Valentine's Day as parents we went out to eat and Zoe came with us. While the family time was great, we weren't investing time in continuing to get to know each other and have fun with each other as people instead of as parents. I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of times we went out alone from the time Zoe was born until our marriage ended. In general, we weren't prioritizing each other.

While we were busy NOT spending quality time together, we would spend time with friends doing what we like to do. Or we would do them alone. When you are spending quality time together, this is a healthy thing to do. When you are not spending quality time together, it can rip you apart. When you have more fun with your friends or by yourself than you do with your spouse something is wrong.

Make it a point to spend quality time together at least 2-3 times a month, if not weekly. You don't have to go out, spend money, or even do a lot of planning to spend quality time. A date can be as simple as some snacks and a board game, popcorn and a rented movie, or sitting and talking on the porch.

We trade off planning the date and getting babysitters. We also make it a point to either try things that are completely new to both of us, or try things that the other person likes to do. Matt and I are complete opposites in a lot of ways, but we feel that gives us a lot of opportunity to grow. For instance, I am learning to play golf and he will go to music performances with me.

It is important to work on the things you love, to grow as a person, but try to spend some of that time growing with your partner and you will be amazed at how close you can become. The best way to learn about your spouse, to have good conversations, and to grow as a couple is to spend time together doing things you love.

Be willing to make sacrifices and try something you may not love to show your spouse that you care about them and what they love. Who knows? You may find that you actually do enjoy things they like.

I could go on about all that I have learned from my experiences this past year. Really, it all boils down to this: Love and appreciate your spouse unconditionally and show it, care about each other enough to resolve conflict together, compromise, and make time for each other.

If you find you have any of these problems in your marriage, it is never too late to work on them. Matt and I did it after all the hurt and pain of a divorce. Make these changes now. Don't wait. You chose this person once, choose them every day. Love the one you're with.

Please, if you have a few minutes, share this with everyone you know. I never want to see anyone suffer what I went through if they don't have to. Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes divorce is necessary. In many cases, though, it's simply a case of losing the spark because of a lot of these pitfalls. I am no expert. I still have a lot to work on myself, but I wanted to share what I have learned in hopes that I can help others to have happier marriages. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post so please leave a comment. Thanks everyone!

Slow Down

Summer is winding down into the slower pace of Fall. The air has a slight chill to it and the Fall aromas are beginning to perfume the nights. The universe is telling me to slow down in all facets of my life. Well, I haven't been listening. All summer long I have been busy working, cleaning, playing, stressing, trying to find that state of balance...that "equipoise" that I'm supposed to be looking for here. It seems that finding equipoise is not done by filling your day with projects, scheduling yourself, expecting perfection.

Ever since Zoe was born I've been trying to get my house spotless- you know, like I had it before. After a year of her life, I've finally realized that it's just not going to be...and that I have to learn to be ok with that. Obviously, it's going to take me a long time to do that, but knowing is half the battle right? On top of wantinga spotless house I am trying to be a perfect employee. I've been working from home since May- something that sort of just fell into my lap. Since it's something that is rare in my company, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it- which is a major stress all it's own. It's been a great blessing as it allows me to help support my family financially while also living my dream of being home with Zoe. Truth be told, though, it's a lot harder than I thought. I love my daughter, but sometimes I wish I could just escape to work, have less crying and more adult conversation. Before, when I was AT WORK part time, I could come home and truly focus on her...and on my days off I would get my cleaning and projects done during her naps. Now, I work during all of her naps so I find myself doing the cleaning and projects when I feel like I should be focusing on her. She is my priority...and I do play with her often and take her outside, read her books, let her explore, let her create...but sometimes I feel like I'm allowing my perfectionist nature about my house take up time I should be spending being an engaged parent. It's become really hard for me to find a balance in this.

As if I needed to add more, I've also decided recently that I needed to start doing things for myself before I had nothing at all to give to my children. I waited too long to make this decision and found myself slipping away as motherhood took over. So I've been trying to play the piano more, reading more often, and I began an exercise program- which brought on the universe's message:

SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

That message came loud and clear when I hurt my knees running the very first day of the program. I didn't listen...instead trying for two weeks to get them to feel better- going running despite the pain because I don't want to lose my motivation. Before and throughout that, Zoe got sick with a double ear infection just after finally adjusting to being weaned to a bottle. For weeks she's been whining, crying, clingy, and just generally unsatisfied. It was my hope that this would stop once the antibiotics had taken effect- not so. A few days after finishing the antibiotic a tooth popped through...ah, this must explain it. SO we administered teething tablets and meds at night for pain...still whining, clingy, and not sleeping so great. On top of all this I've been trying to reach my goals for the month for work and this is the final week of the month.

Yesterday, I decided to walk instead of run and my knees are feeling better. This evening I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and Zoe was all but climbing up my legs and crying. Finally I left the dishes, picked her up and we went into the living room and played for a while before bedtime. She stopped crying and that's when it hit me. I need to slow down. I need to continue my workouts but take a slower pace. I need to worry less about perfection and more about getting it done so I can have fun with my daughter. I need to focus on work when I'm working and leave it upstairs when I'm not. Finally, I need to take things a day at a time. Give myself daily goals, yes, but allow myself to decide daily how best to spend my time. Children grow too fast, knees aren't made of steel, I am not wonder woman, as long as it's sanitary, the mess can wait. So yeah, Universe, I got your message...loud and clear...slowing down now.

As a reward for making it through my long-winded ramblings here's some Equipoise family news: We're officially trying to conceive...again. I have more to say on this subject, but that is another post. Until then, slow down

I am...

* analytical about everything
* a little OCD
* shy and quiet towards people I don't know (who usually think I'm a snob because of it) :(
* quirky and bubbly to people I do know
* a musician, a writer (at least I try to be), and a book lover- who is struggling to master photography
* a wife (longing to be a mother), a daughter, grand daughter, sister, and neice (who misses NM, and her family
* anti-work (unless we didn't need the money and I could do something I love)
* a pretty decent cook, and obsessive housekeeper, but also terribly lazy
* a life-long friend
* a little self concious about my weight
* a good listener (so I've heard)
* impatient...about getting pregnant, having to wait for things, and resolving arguements
* me
Who are you?

Afternoon Stroll

Ever feel like someone's trying to tell you something??? Just when I'm so frustrated with life and trying to figure out what to do and how I can be proactive about my wants and needs I encounter this on a simple mid-day stroll to the grocery store.

Now, I am certainly aware that not all of you are Christian, but I am, and I just thought it was interesting how I've been told this so many times while trying to get pregnant or through any hard times in life, but it never truly struck me until I saw it spray painted in red and white on a neighborhood sidewalk. Guess I'll have to work on that...

On a lighter note, I also encountered this:

whisperings of simpler days
deep shade under a summer haze
a childhood memory
my flowing hair, an upturned nose
brushing branches with bare toes
straight legs then bended knees
shrieking, "Higher" with no fear
I hear the wind rush past my ear
flying high and feeling free

Home Stretch

I just want to say, not having to take my temperature everyday, has relieved an amazing amount of stress. Not having to remember to take my temperature in the morning before I can even get up to pee is just, well, wonderful. The other marvelous side effect? I don't, at any given moment, know exactly what day of my cycle I'm on. Obviously, I can easily figure it out if I think about it, but that's just it: I actually have to think about it! I am still anxious and there is some stress festering, but I am also, sort of, at ease.

One of the things my doctor said was that often, when a woman is trying to get pregnant, she lets it consume her life. I have let that happen. I don't run (even though I am DYING to) because I'm afraid all that bouncing would cause me to lose a baby before I even know I'm pregnant, I have been taking prenatals for over a year, I haven't taken ibuprophen (my favorite thing for headaches and backaches- which I get often) in forever, I think about pregnancy constantly, I TALK about it constantly (sorry dear family and friends), and I have been putting my life on hold anxiously awaiting something that hasn't come yet after a whole year.

I have decided I can't do that anymore. This may be another reason I am feeling a little more at ease. I am PRAYING, hoping and pleading that it happens for us this month. However, if it doesn't, I am going to go on that run, I'm going to start living my life. I know that when the time comes that I get pregnant, one jog down the trail isn't going to kill my baby if it's meant to be in this world. I will, obviously continue with the prenatals and tylenol :) for my pain, I will continue to watch what I eat and I will continue to be anxiously awaiting motherhood...but for now, I need to start living. If this takes another year and I'm still in limbo...well, lets just say you might have to visit me at a new address...the looney bin.

For now though, through this last week of my cycle, I will continue to hope that I'll have to walk instead of run, that I'll have to take tylenol and prenatals for quite a long time, that I'll have to stop eating certain kinds of fish. I'll keep praying that I have to buy diapers, and a crib, and adorable little clothes. All this hoping may just kill me, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Please keep us in your prayers this week...not that pregnancy will happen, because it's too late for that, but that, no matter what happens, we'll make it through (and that I'll keep my promise to myself).

Weird

To those of you that have husbands, I would like to ask you a question. As your he continues to discover things about you, that never managed to come up while you were dating, does he ever say you're weird? Does he do it every time? Since I've been married I have been called weird on a number of occasions. For instance (this was a long time ago...the conversation is made up):

(After I have spooned some cottage cheese into a bowl...)
Matt: What are you doing?
Me: Cutting tomatoes...
Matt: Why?
Me: To put in my cottage cheese.
Matt: Are you serious?
Me: (Staring blankly as I put salt and pepper atop the cottage cheese/ tomato concoction)
Matt: Ugh! That's gross! You are so weird!

Or how about this instance:
Matt: What are you doing?
Me: Organizing my shirts into short to long-sleeve/ color order
Matt: You are so weird! You better not touch my shirts!
Or this one:
Matt: Don't you just love the Rocky movies?
Me: I have never seen any of them...
Matt: What?! You've got to be kidding me! You've lived such a sheltered life! You are so weird!

Or how about today:
(After taking the first bite of our stuffed crust pepperoni pizza...)
Matt: Mmmm...Don't you just love stuffed crust pizza?
Me: I don't know, I have never had it.
Matt: What? You are so weird!

I could go on and on. I'm to the point of changing my name from "Katrina" to "Weird". I feel it may better suit me. Was he unaware of my weirdness before the marriage vows? It's no small secret that I'm a bit weird. All my friends know I'm weird, my family knows I'm weird, even my co-workers know I'm weird. Yet my oddity continues to- almost daily- astonish my husband and each time, he feels the need to remind me of how weird I am...even if I'm trying to be silly and weird. So, I thought I'd ask...do any of you experience husbands that still think you do weird things? Cuz, I'm feeling a wee bit lonely here in weirdland. Would you care to join me?

Love

I am feeling very fortunate today to have a husband who loves and cares for me and isn't afraid to show it. Upon returning home from a contact solution run, Matt handed me and envelope (for no reason at all) and a bag of chocolate (yum!). I opened it up to reveal the sweetest card:




"Since I met you, I've fallen in love with you at least a hundred times for a hundred different reasons. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I watch you doing something you enjoy, something you're so involved in that you're unaware of my presence. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I listen to you talk to other people. Whether you're being interesting and funny or warm and caring and genuinely concerned, you have a way of making people feel better with nothing more than your words. Sometimes I fall in love with you just thinking about you, remembering all the memories we've made... And whenever I think about the wonderful things that lie ahead of us, I fall totally and completely in love with you all over again." -Renée Ruvall

There's nothing sweeter than receiving a little gesture of appreciation when it is unexpected. We've been through a lot together in our three years of marriage. This last year of trying to conceive has been very difficult for us, yet he always stays positive, he always reassures me, and he is always by my side trying to put on the brave face. He lends a shoulder to my tears, he makes me laugh till my stomach aches, opens my doors, and always tells me how much he loves me before we nod off each night. I'm inspired by him daily as he constantly tries to better himself and worries constantly about trying to make more money so I can be a stay-at-home mom to our children (someday). I have been focusing so much attention on getting pregnant that I lost focus on what I already have- a husband who will take my hand in his and walk with me, side by side, down the road of life (no matter where it leads).

Rain

I woke up to the pitter patter of raindrops on my window this morning. I took a moment to stir and acknowlege nature’s alarm clock, only to turn over and be disturbed by my own. The rain left me with a lovely sense of peace. Rain means spring and spring means life anew. Today I write the first of many thoughts on this page. Today marks the beginning of a my new life.
For the past few years I have let that wonderful creative side of me drift away. Every bill, every dirty counter, every TV show, took a piece of me away. Today, I’m left with little more than the thoughts in my head, the flute gathering dust on the floor, the photographs stored on my computer and the untuned piano in the living room. My once trained drawing pencil produces crooked lines and the written word doesn’t flow quite so easily. I find myself sitting in a cubicle, an earpiece nearly glued to my head, watching my life pass me by. I am merely existing when I should be living.
So, today is my spring rain. Today marks the beginning of relocating myself-of finding what I’ve lost. Of cleasing out the bad to make room for the good- the new. What a privilege to have such an epiphany. The sun coaxes the plants from their long winter’s nap and brings color back into the world. May the sun find my seeds and help them grow and may you experience it with me.