How Do You Fill Your Bucket?

I always thought I had to lose myself in Motherhood.

Don't get me wrong, in a lot of ways, we do.  The hours, the demands, the putting another person's interests before your own and so many other facets of motherhood, it changes you.  But when I became a mother I found that completely losing myself didn't work for me. In fact, it didn't work for my kids either.
 

I spent my first year of motherhood completely devoted to my Zoe.  When you have a newborn this is necessary in a lot of ways. They are completely dependent on you.  As they hit milestones they look to you to navigate them through rolling over, crawling, walking, eating, and playing. Not to mention it had taken us over two years to conceive her.  She was my sole focus in life before she ever even existed here on earth.  So I gave her my time.  Matt and I almost never went on dates or she would often come with us if we did. He was not my focus, let alone me.

After the first year I started to feel human again. I was done nursing, I started showering in the mornings again instead of whenever I could find a minute, I tried to get out of the house more.  Yet my days were still centered around Zoe's nap schedule. Life was still all about her. Then I got pregnant with Paige.

My second pregnancy was completely different from my first. I was down and out. If I was upright I was unbearably nauseous. Plus I had to take care of a 16 month old and still work. I was exhausted all the time. I felt like I could barely function.  As the pregnancy progressed, things got a bit easier, but it was a hard pregnancy and by the end of it, I was so completely done.

When Paige was born, I made her my world again. At the expense of Zoe and my marriage and especially myself.  She was a very sleepy baby, but only during the day. At night she was hard to get to sleep. Plus, she had acid reflux like her sister- making life with a baby and a two year old even harder. At the time, I was in survival mode. I felt I was barely hanging on, but I made it through the days and we found a routine.
 

Two months later my marriage fell apart.  

Now, there were many reasons for this, but what it really boiled down to was that we had not nurtured our relationship in a very long time and communication was not something we had worked at.  He had his faults and I had mine.  To say it was a difficult time is a massive understatement.  I was broken and in pain.
 

Almost overnight I became a single Mom with two small children and a job. I would stay up late at night and examine myself and my life.  I lost a lot of weight in a very short time.  As I stared into the mirror at the face that then looked so much like the face of my youth I realized I had no idea who I was anymore.  I was so lost in motherhood and in my image of myself as a wife that I had forgotten to hang on to the things that made me who I was.  My kids didn't know how much I loved music and writing.  Zoe had such a hard time gaining a sister because I had made her my whole world until that wasn't possible anymore.  I had given my family everything I had except what they really needed: Me.

It was at that moment that I discovered the most important lesson I have learned so far:

Motherhood doesn't require us to give up who we are.

So I made some immediate changes.  I started doing things that made me feel like myself.  Things I enjoyed.  I shared them with my children.  I let them hear me sing aloud in the house and play the piano.  I pulled out my flute.  I started writing again.  I thought for so long that doing these things, taking "time away from them" to do things I loved would be selfish.  I learned that our children need to see who we are.  They need to see what makes us special. 

Our children were sent to us for a reason.  We have talents and gifts that are best suited towards raising them to be the best people they can be.  Putting aside things we love, losing ourselves in our children, not remembering to care for ourselves is not a service to them or to us.  How will we raise them to have self confidence, to love who they are, to believe that they can be anyone or anything they choose to be if we don't set the example?

Matt and I fixed our marriage.  We learned the hard way what happens when a relationship isn't properly nourished.  We learned to communicate and to help each other become our best selves.  We learned that the best thing we can do for our kids together is provide them the stability and example of a good marriage.  Similarly, we must properly nourish ourselves so we don't fall apart.

The last few years I have explored this concept further.  I started running and got into fitness and healthy eating and really started paying attention to my body and my spirit.  I now know that in order to give my kids my best self, I have to take care of me, too. 

I have learned more about myself.  I know that I need to recharge after being around a lot of people.  I know that my temper is triggered by lack of sleep, stress, and feeling rushed.  I know that I feel more powerful and in control when I get a workout in every day- not to mention the endorphins, energy and the stress relief that gives me.  I know that when I provide my body with good food I have the energy to accomplish my tasks AND give my kids what they need from me.  I know that too much sugar makes my emotions less stable.  I know that reading scriptures, saying prayers, and allowing myself moments of silence throughout the day helps me to get my mind, body and spirit working together and in the right place.  I know that some days I just need to curl up with a good book, do yoga, write, or get in a good, mind-cleansing run.

Knowing all these things doesn't help me to be perfect, but it does help me to be a better Mother, wife, and person.

I look at it this way.  I have a bucket.  From this bucket I give my kids love, basic care, a listening ear, playtime, taxi service, help with homework as well as trying to teach them to love our Heavenly Father and be kind human beings.  Also from this bucket I love and support my husband and give him what he needs from me.  The bucket provides the means to fulfill responsibilities to my job and in my home.  It is where I find my ability to fulfill my church callings and my ability to serve others.  The bucket is how I remember to nurture the important relationships in my life.  Or do necessary things like buy the groceries and pay the bills.  The bucket allows me to do everything I need to do in my life.  If that bucket is empty, how can I possibly accomplish all these things?  I have to fill up that bucket regularly if I am going to keep using it.

My little world needs that bucket...and that bucket is ME! 

I am not saying that we should be selfish.  I am not saying to ignore your baby's screaming to finish a workout.  I am not saying to lock yourself in your room with a book for a whole day and let your toddler run freely.  Or that being a devoted Mom is a bad thing.  I am not saying that a newborn baby doesn't take every ounce of time and energy you have.  I am not telling you to exercise!  I am not saying you aren't enough because you ARE!

I am just suggesting that by taking better care of ourselves, perhaps we learn to better care for others.  Or, at least, we offer the best of what we have. There will come a time as a person, a wife, a mother, a parent, a friend, or even an employee that you will feel depleted.  You will feel like you can't stay upright, you cannot give another ounce, you cannot take another step, lift another finger.  Your bucket will be empty or close to it.  When that time comes you will need to know who you are and what you need to do to keep going. 

How do you fill your bucket?



 

Kindergarten

Tomorrow is my baby's first day of Kindergarten . 

Just let that sink in for a moment....

Remember way back when, towards the very beginning of this blog, when I struggled to conceive? 

Remember how we were finally blessed with a beautiful little angel that we named Zoe? 

It seems like just yesterday she was born and yet, TOMORROW, she is going to Kindergarten.

I simply can't believe it.


There are so many things I'm worried about.  What if kids are mean to my little tender heart?  What if she learns terrible habits from other kids?  What if she gets sick all the time?  What if something happens and she is scared to tell me?  What if she doesn't have any friends?  What if her teacher doesn't recognize her strengths?  What if...

Deep down I know she'll be ok.  I know this is a new chapter in her life, a chapter I crossed into once.  I turned out just fine.  I know this and yet I can still hear her upstairs awake at 10:30 at night and when I ask her why she says she can't sleep because she is nervous about Kindergarten.  And what do I say?  She has every right to be nervous.  So I remind her about the great things to expect in Kindergarten and tell her to get some rest so she is not exhausted tomorrow and it's the best I can do.

Tomorrow I have to release her into the world's hands.  I will still be there to guide her, but I will no longer be her only lighthouse.  Others will enter her world as people who can lead and guide her.  All I can do is pray that the ones she listens to will be good influences.

That is an awful lot to ask of a parent...especially one like me with some control issues.

I get teary-eyed just thinking about letting her walk through the doors of the school.  Thinking about how I will miss her constant singing and talking.  How much I will miss that entire morning of the next year of Monday-Fridays spending time with her.  Or just having her around.  I will miss her giggle when she makes me laugh or finds something funny.  I will even miss her arguing with her sister...and especially miss her watching out for her sister. 

Instead I have a school telling she has 10 vacation days from school and that a doctors note might be needed for sick days.  A school is now going to tell me what to do with my child and when?  That's a hard pill to swallow. 

On the other hand, I value education so much.  And my child loves to learn.  School presents new opportunities for learning and growth, which is something I want for my Zoe.  I see her strengths, I see her doing well in school.  Her bubbly personality will attract friends, and I pray that her kind heart will not be taken advantage of.  I am so excited for her and yet so scared for her.

I guess I echo her sentiments when I asked if she was excited about school tomorrow.  She said, "Yes, but I'm still a little nervous."

I will never be ready to let her go, but I will anyway because that's what parents do.  We teach them what we can and then we let them fly.  They fly further and further, a little more each time until someday it's time to let them fly free and live their lives.  And we hope we did our best to prepare them.  I hope I have done my best to prepare her for this next step.  Time will tell.

Send me positive thoughts tomorrow please...and even more for her Dad.  He might just be worse off than me.

To my Zoe,

When you were just new I wrote you these letters far more often. As time has passed, life has become far more busy and The days fly by so quickly. It seems only moments ago that I held you for the first time. Now you are less than six months from being five! So, I wanted to take a little moment to document what you are like now, and tell you some things I think you need to know.

You are a sensitive soul. Tears flow freely from your eyes for many reasons. Sometimes it's a sad part in a movie, sometimes it's that you broke something you loved, and sometimes it's that you got in trouble. I sometimes get frustrated with this, but mostly I think it is one of your best qualities. You care, deeply. Not everyone is like that. It's part of what makes you so special. I love when you see that I am down, or frustrated, or even upset and you try to do something to make me feel better. I hope you are always so watchful of those around you.

My favorite thing about you at this age is that you are quite a performer! You amaze me with your ability to memorize lyrics and song tunes. You sing all the time. ALL the time. It is something you have done since before you could talk. You used to ride your tricycle around and around singing as loudly as you could. You still sing loud, without restraint, paying no mind to your surroundings. You love to dance and put on plays and performances for us. Also, a little bossy, you tell us we all have to clap for you when you're done.

You have the BEST giggle. I love to catch you by surprise or tickle you any chance I get just so I can hear your musical laugh. It's infectious. You love life. You love to be happy and playing. You LOVE every single ounce of time you get playing with me. I know we've been super busy lately, but even when we are, you are always willing to help out by cleaning your room, making your bed or helping me wipe the table to make sure our house stays clean so it doesn't get "full of junk and bugs" as you say. You always try to help out in a silky way or while being goofy to try and make it fun.

You are so full of energy it is sometimes hard to keep up with you. It's like you are about to burst at any given moment.  But chasing you around is my absolute pleasure.  I am so  proud and grateful to be your Mom. 

Mercy

As I helped Zoe into bed tonight, I was studying two blankets that were carefully draped over her headboard.  She looked at me, removed the blankets and said, "Mom, look." I looked and discovered that, during quiet time, she decided to color her entire headboard with purple crayon.  Astonished, I cried, "Zoe!"  Her lip immediately pouted and tears welled up in her eyes as she quietly said, "I just wanted it to be purple and not white."  The tears became sobs and she fell into my chest as I wrapped my arms around her.   Surprisingly, I was not mad- not one bit.  Instead I remembered a book we have read often about a little girl who colored her new ice skates pink because white was so boring.  I smiled and pulled her little face into my hands and said, "Honey, it is OK to make mistakes.  I love you no matter what you do.  Thank you for telling me what you did.  What are we supposed to color on?"  She replied, "Paper."  We said a few more words and agreed to keep the crayons downstairs from now on.  Still she continued to apologize as I took the magic eraser (seriously, thank you whoever invented that!!) to her headboard.  I thanked her for apologizing and told her I knew she was sorry, that what she did was not OK, but that I wasn't mad.   

As I tucked her into bed, she kept hugging me.  I'm not sure if she was surprised that I wasn't mad and hugging me happily or hugging me for reassurance, but I gave her extra hugs and kisses before bed.  She told me she was happy to have a clean blankie and I told her I was so happy to have her.  After a song, a few more snuggles and "I love yous," I left her room and she fell asleep quickly.

In those few moments I became leaps and bounds closer to my daughter.  I can only imagine her fear as she pulled those blankets off to show me what she had done.  I remember having the same fear as a child when I decided to try to cut my own bangs.  I know I have failed to be my best self many times as a parent.  I yell more than I want to and sometimes say things I regret later.  I always apologize, but I live with a lot of guilt as I try to overcome my quick-tempered, natural tendencies. 

Tonight, I showed my child mercy, and I gained her trust.  I only hope I can keep it as she reveals far worse mistakes as she gets older.  I was proud of myself and how I handled it, and thankful that I was able to keep my cool.

A few minutes later, I thought of my Heavenly Father.  In order to understand Him better, I often compare parenting children to Him watching over all of us.  I think it is the closest I will ever come to truly understanding His love for me.  I mean, with all my imperfections, he blessed me with two of his most precious and beautiful souls to care for, to teach, and to love.  Just that alone shows me how much love He has for me, and how much trust He has put in me. 

Every day I fail Him.  Every day I make mistakes.  Each and every time I do, He wraps me in His warm embrace and tells me, "It's OK to make mistakes.  I love you no matter what you do."  He gives me trials to help me learn, helps me to see my mistakes and correct them, and provides more blessings to me than I could ever deserve. 

I hope to be more like Him in my parenting.  I know I won't be perfect, but I know it is how I want to raise my kids.  Tonight showed me that it is possible, and that I am learning to be better than I am.  I am grateful for that gift, especially after a long and trying day.  I am so thankful to know that I can be better, that I can do anything as long as I do my best and let my Father in Heaven make up for what I lack.  My greatest hope is that my children will always feel my undying, unconditional love for them, no matter what.

Not drowning...just barely treading

I know it's been a long time since I blogged. Why? I just don't have a lot of free seconds lately. Right now I am finger-typing this on my phone while I wait for Paige to finish her lunch and lay down for a nap so I can work.

Much of my free time since September has been spent elbow deep in preparing to sing/ play piano (one piece!) for The Messiah by Handel which my church choir will be performing selections from in a few weeks. I have enjoyed being so focused on music. It is hard work but also brings peace to my soul as I exercise the talents I have been given which, admittedly, are a bit rusty.

Zoe also started pre-school in September and the resulting schedule change has really thrown me for a loop. I still am not accustomed to it yet. Hopefully soon. Thankfully, Zoe loves preschool and really seems to be thriving. She has learned to write some letters, her name, many songs, and has made a few new friends. My favorite part of her school days is the discussion of what she did in class after I pick her up. She is amazing.

Paige seems to have blossomed overnight from a baby to a very tall, very sassy and smart two-year-old. She amazes me with her sentence structure, singing and counting daily. Also amazing? Her temper! Wow. Usually she is mild mannered and cooperative, though. She really enjoys our stolen minutes while Zoe is at school before and after her nap. She comes alive when she doesn't have to compete with her older sister. Still, she idolizes Zoe and follows her anywhere she can.

Don't worry, when they are not feeling sweet they definitely fight like cats and dogs.

Between all that, work and continuing to maintain a somewhat healthy lifestyle, I am one busy lady.

I do miss it here though. A lot. So I will try to be better about posting. Even if it is quickly composed on my phone during a stolen moment.

Thanks for still being here. Talk to you soon!

Closer

It's hard to believe we only have two days until Christmas.  My family and I have been in the throes of illness for two weeks now.  I am finally starting to feel like we might be nearing the end.  The relief of that feeling is indescribable.  You take for granted things like having a voice, being able to exercise, being able to breathe without coughing.  I can't wait until I feel like myself again.

I'm writing to you now from a hotel room in Cortez, CO.  We are on our way to my home, New Mexico, to spend Christmas with my family.  Unfortunately, the road into my hometown is closed due to a terrible snowstorm so we are stuck waiting. 

What do these two things have in common?

Being sick and being stuck in a hotel room, our home, a car together has brought us all closer.  Gratefully, I find my children endearing instead of feeling like they are driving me nuts.  Zoe spent the trip entertaining us with her new nicknames for us and her silly remarks. 

 Last night as we were all laying down to go to sleep she said, "Dad, I'm having trouble sleeping.  I think I'll count sheep."  We chuckled as she started counting aloud, only to burst out laughing when she said, a few seconds later, "Actually, I think I should play Angry Birds." 

Paige serenaded us with her singsong voice, talking until almost midnight and we were up early this morning because of her coughing.  Yet, as soon as she saw Dad up and awake she excited squealed, "HI!"  And suddenly the early hour wasn't so frustrating.

Not to mention all the time I've had to sit and talk with Matt, listen to music and just BE together while our two little ones enjoy movies in the back seat.  Blessed technology!! 

I'm grateful for the time to reflect and really enjoy my little family.  They are my greatest blessings and (especially after last year) I'm beyond excited that we are all together this year. 

Well, I'd better sign off.  The extra waiting has given me some time to get a little work done. 

Just in case I don't get the chance to get on here again, Merry Christmas to you all!  (Or Happy Holidays to those of you who celebrate differently.)  I'm so grateful to have you here!

Bouncing Around in My Head

My mind is a puzzle, but the peices never quite fit together.  Some peices aren't whole, or lost, and some are just too big to put anywhere.  If you understood that metaphor, congratulations!  I often have difficulty separating my thoughts and rarely can I turn them off.  Matt is constantly amazed at how many different topics I can spew at him at any given moment.  So today I thought I would do a sort of list of everything I'm thinking about right now.  Ready?

* I have fallen off the exercise wagon.  It's only been a little over a week, but I feel a lot of guilt over it.  It all started because of sick kids.  Then Halloween came with all the treats and the candy and the delicious bread and soups.  Our plan was to start Insanity completely over together on November 1st.  When we woke up, no one felt very well.  Then I just got lazy.  I plan to get a workout in today, so I'm hoping I can jump back on just as easily.  We shall see.

* I am a little shocked that I haven't gained any weight during this last week.  I'm not sure if it's just that my metabolism is a little better now.  Maybe I'm not eating as many calories as I think I am...haven't been keeping track.  Or, maybe I am losing all that muscle I worked so hard to get.  I'm not sure.  Anyone who knows is welcomed to weigh in.

* I've noticed that my lack of working out leaves me in sort of a sour mood.  I think I'm missing the endorphins.  Or something.  I don't like it.

* I have done shockingly little off of my to do list over the last week.  I hate feeling like I am playing catch-up on a daily basis.

* Daylight Savings time is evil.  I still haven't adjusted.  Many of my clocks still read the wrong time.  Paige didn't adjust very well.  I knew I should have started adjusting her schedule early!  Hopefully things settle into routine again soon.

* I HATE laundry.  I was one load of folding away from finishing it when I stopped a few days ago.  Today I have another mountain to wash.

* I feel like the only thing I ever accomplish everyday is getting and keeping the kitchen clean and doing the dishes.  Another job I despise.  I guess I don't like re dos.

* I am missing the summery sunshine.  The sun is out today, but it's that dim, winter sunlight.  I hate winter.  I hate snow.  I hate to be cold.  Hopefully this winter isn't too horrible.

* On a brighter note, I am so excited for Christmas this year!  Last Christmas, well, let's be honest, it sucked.  Yeah, I was with my girls and my family...but not having Matt was really hard for me and I am so excited for us to all celebrate together this year.  Plus!  My brother is back from his mission and can join us, and my sister should be having her baby while we're there.  I hope!  Exciting things!

* Yesterday I finally got the pictures hung in Zoe's bedroom.  We took them down to paint over 6 months ago.  Yeah...

* I've decided that Paige's room needs to be painted too.  Funny, my whole house needs to be painted...including my room.  Off-white is getting old.  But I suppose, as a Mom, I should be used to doing things for my girls first!  :)  Matt thinks Paige's room should be purple.  That sounds fun to me.  Need to figure out what I want to do in there.

* Speaking of decorating, I have an itch to get my whole house decorated and done.  I just wish I had the time and the money and the design sense to do it!!

* After reading the love story (so far) of Untypically Jia and her husband, Matt, I have decided that I was far too focused on myself, my friends and my world growing up.  So I guess that does make me a little bit of the snob people thought I was and I thought I wasn't.  Pondering this.

* I just realized that if I have all of this on my mind, it's no wonder I have a hard time focusing and getting things done.  The sad thing is, I could go on.  Instead I will spare you. 

What's bouncing around in your head today?

Nell

Today is my sister's birthday.  As a tribute to her, and a sort-of present since she knows I'm hopeless at them, I decided to make her the star of my post today.  Meet Danielle...or Nell as I call her.  That guy?  Her wonderful hubby, Chad.  They are a couple of my favorite people on the planet.  Nell is an extremely hardworking, hilarious, beautiful, kid at heart.  She is an amazing sister and a wonderful Aunt to my kids.  She is my best friend.  I truly don't know what my life would have been like without her. 

We grew up very close in age (only 21 months apart) and we spent almost our entire lives doing things together- whether we liked it or not.  As young children we got along fairly well.  We played barbies and dress up and spent endless hours outside on bikes, our swingset and the playhouse my grandpa built us.  It was when I started school and made my own friends that we had trouble getting along.  I remember endless fighting with her in those years.  Thinking that I just wanted to have time to myself with my friends and without her.  If only I had known how close we would eventually become. 

As we eased into being teenagers, we finally figured out that we got along really well.  A lot of our friends were mutual and we could make each other laugh.  In high school, we became the best of friends.  Spending hours upon hours with each other doing band and spending time with our friends.  We shared clothes (not always nicely), boy issues and excitements, talked through frustrations and problems, laughed and joked and hugged our way through those years.  We were nearly inseparable.

Then I went to college, got married and moved 2,000 miles away.  In those years she really paved her own path, deciding what she wanted to do in life and going for it.  Our lives were busy, and we didn't talk as much as we should have.  But every time we were together, it was as easy as it always was.  We are two of a kind...in an opposite sort of way.

When I moved closer, things got easier, we talked more, and our lives started to line up a little better once she married her high school sweetheart.  Nearly a year later, I had a baby and Nell became an Aunt for the first time.  I have never loved my sister more than I did the first time she held Zoe and then Paige.  To see the love she had for my children clearly displayed in her eyes was the most beautiful thing.  Zoe and Paige absolutely love their Aunt Nell.  They are super close. 

Nell was always better with kids and had a general love for them that I never had.  She is the kid at heart that I will never be.  I learn a lot from her about mothering as I watch her love and play with my girls when we are around.  She never hesitates to jump in and help me with them when she can.  I can't wait to watch her mother her own child- who will grace us in just a few short months.

On her birthday, I want her to know that while she suffered from "second child syndrome", it was actually me who looked up to her for the athleticism I never had, for her outgoing and addictive personality, for never being afraid to be herself.  I'm grateful to her for everything she has done for me in the past few years.  She has bailed me out numerous times and in more ways than one.  I am grateful for her constant support and trust in the decisions I make for my life.  I am grateful for the love that she has for my husband and my girls.  Most importantly, I am thankful for the love she has for me, for being by my side all these years, for being my best friend and the most amazing sister a girl could ask for.  Happy Birthday, Nell.  I love you!

Aren't siblings awesome?  I love mine!  I have four more amazing siblings, as well as their spouses and Matt's siblings and spouses.  Don't know what I would do without them!  Tell me about yours!

Just Love Them

Since getting to New Mexico we have been staying with my sister, Nell, and her husband, Chad. I have really enjoyed the time with her! My sister's house is beautifully decorated. In other words, so not baby proof!

My girls have simultaneously loved and had a hard time here. We are all sharing one room, they can't touch "anything", Mommy didn't bring very many toys, and there's no place to play outside. On the other hand, Aunt Nell spoils them, they have free reign of our childhood barbie collection, they get lots of attention, and surprisingly they've done fairly well here.

On the other hand, their schedule has been thrown off so they aren't always getting enough sleep. (What is it about changing your environment that you can't seem to function quite right? Or is it just me?) Unfortunately, lack of sleep has led to clingy girls, attention hogging, whining, crying and temper tantrums. While these things are usually part of our day, it's not usually to this extent. Being the only parent here (Matt is still in Utah until Sunday) has been very taxing.

I have spent most of my days here frustrated with my girls. It's exhausting to constantly be clinged to, whined at, screamed at, and disrespected. Sometimes I almost want to cry when they get like this. My patience well is running so low I am actually feeling happy I have to work 8 hours today so I can get a break.

While all of this is quite a normal cycle in the life of a parent with young children, I started thinking tonight of the bigger picture.

I am here in New Mexico to support my younger sister, Kristin, and her husband, Cameron, as they were thrust into parenthood much earlier than expected. I've watched them brave the storm of the first few days when we weren't even sure their baby, Isabella, was going to make it. I've watched as each time they were faced with hard procedures or a difficult prognosis. I've watched as they got snippets of good news. I've watched as they fought and never gave up hope. They stayed strong and brave through all of it.


In the last few days things have really looked up. They finally got to hold their precious, tiny miracle, bathe her, feed her (through a feeding tube) and begin to look towards a future of taking her home.
I watched their weathered faces gradually brighten with hope and love and happiness in a situation that is still precarious, but stable for now. They love her with everything they have, want the very best for her, want her to be happy. Mostly, they are grateful every day that she is alive and here with them.

This is parenting at it's best.

And it took me back to the first time I held Zoe and Paige. It reminded me of all the promises I made to myself and to them in those first moments of parenthood. Especially the first time around when you go into it completely blind and find that parenting is all about learning as you go. When you think you won't make the same mistakes your parents, friends, and neighbors did.

People try to tell you how hard parenting can be. I've often said myself that parenting is the most frustrating, yet most rewarding thing I've ever done. Yet no one told me, and no one really could have put it into words, the day-to-day frustrations of parenting. Especially how it builds up.
When your kids are being difficult, it is sometimes hard to remember the pure joy of those first moments. It's hard to remember to find joy in the every day moments with them. It's hard to appreciate the sweet moments on the days where they are far and few between.

While I've been busy feeling frustrated with my children, Cameron and Kristin are grateful for another day with theirs. While I get annoyed with how clingy my girls are, they waited for days just to be able to hold Isabella. While I get tired of the whining, they are giddy over every movement and noise.

While I contemplated this, I thought to myself, "These are your most precious blessings! Your job is to love them, care for them, teach them and support them. NO MATTER WHAT!" Instantly I felt like I needed to reevaluate myself as a parent. Zoe and Paige are kids. They are allowed to be roller coasters of emotion. It is my job to be their solid ground, their cheerleader, and their teacher. Mostly I just need to show them as much love as I possibly can.

I love being Zoe and Paige's Mom. I am grateful for my girls. I do feel blessed to have them in my life. What needs to change is I need to show them that I feel this way. Show them my joy more and my frustration less. Use my calm voice more and my loud one less. Be more gentle and kind and patient (even when it seems impossible) so they will learn to be more gentle and kind and patient. I want to remember this time in our lives as a happy time and not a frustrated time.

The only way I know how to do this is to make the commitment today and make the better choice at every opportunity. I know I won't be perfect at it. But if I can do better every day, then we will be happier.

I knew the second I met her that Isabella would be an inspiration in my family. I knew she would have a lot to teach us. I didn't realized it would happen so quickly. Or that my little sister could be such an example to me. Your prayers and good thoughts for my family and for Isabella continue to be appreciated.

What challenges do you face in your life? Have you ever had an epiphany that made you want to change things? Leave me a comment! I love to hear from you.

The Fish With Nine Lives

(I hope.)

Last week I was spending some time visiting on my neighbor's porch. It was gorgeous, cool day and we spent most of the evening there. Our homes are all situated around one big park. A huge grass field and a basketball court greet me as I walk down my sidewalk from the front door. They are called "park homes" and we essentially all share one giant front yard.

Matt was gone to a late softball game. I was watching Paige crawl around the grass when Zoe decided to run home to go potty. She does this often when we are outside so I wasn't worried. I sat talking with the neighbors and watching Paige devour a green tomato I gave her. Kid seriously LOVED it. When Zoe come back out of the house, she came straight to me and tattled on herself, "Mom, I fed Fish Food."

I immediately got frustrated because I had fed him for the night and she had already fed him AGAIN once before that. (Granted, I shouldn't have left it within her reach. I just hadn't put it away from being left out when my family was visiting.) I warned her she needed to be careful how much food she fed her fish because too much food could kill him. (We are very graphic in our house.)

All of the sudden she melted into a ball of tears and came and cried in my lap. I calmed her down and told her we would take care of him and Mommy would do everything she could to keep him happy and healthy, but she needed to know what could happen if she fed him too much. She melted again.
I calmed her down again and she went to play as I sat mystified at how upset she had been. Usually she takes facts very well and applies them. This time, every time I mentioned overfeeding the fish, she freaked. Needless to say, I have decided the fish will just be replaced if it ever dies. Zoe is not ready to experience fish death.

We sat on the porch until dusk and then I went inside to get the girls to bed. I made plans with the neighbors to make non-alcoholic Mohitos after the kids went down.

Soon, it was Mohito time. We mixed our drinks and sat down in the living room to enjoy them. (They were yummy, but we are going to do a bit of tweaking next time.)

As we were talking I noticed Fish Food's water was looking pretty cloudy. I looked closer and there was a pile of food on the plastic leaves in his bowl. I stood up and gasped as I saw this:


Zoe had emptied the ENTIRE contents of the brand new can of fish food into the fish bowl. No WONDER she was so upset about overfeeding him!

Concerned, I grabbed the bowl and moved Fish Food to a bowl of clean water. I emptied out the contents of the bowl into a strainer and immediately gagged. Fish food stinks! (The actual food, not the fish. Although, I've never actually tried to smell him. Perhaps he does stink.) Especially mushy fish food in large quantities.

I began to run my fingers through the rock/fish food combination to wash off the fish food. It was gross! Meanwhile, I tried to keep tiny rocks from falling into the garbage disposal. (Because luck would have it that only the garbage disposal side was available for fish bowl cleaning.) Finally, I plugged the drain and the cleaning went much faster.

In order to give me a heart attack, Fish Food (the fish...this is going to be a problem) kept floating on his side in the bowl he was resting in. My neighbor and I kept putting our fingers in the water to make sure he was still alive. Stupid Fish.

At last, the bowl was reassembled and filled with clean water. I purified the water, checked the temperature and put Fish Food back in his bowl.

Then I watched him.

He was being kind of twitchy.

I started to freak...a little.

Eventually my neighbors told me to calm down. He was probably just worked up from all the chaos.
After a while they turned out to be right. He calmed down and was soon swimming around happily.
The next morning I showed Zoe the sparkling clean bowl and the happy fish and told her I took care of him like I promised. I was rewarded with a huge smile and the tightest hug.

Supermom? I think so.

Ever had any crazy, or parent saves the day, or just gross, animal experiences? Please share!

Five Minute Friday: Welcome

Shhhh...we're going to pretend it's still Friday. Okay? Great.

Click over to The Gypsy Mama for the rules and participate!

Go.
We have a new member of our family. Meet Fish Food. So named by my very clever, three-year-old, Zoe.
He was her birthday present and has been a very long awaited- at least in the eyes of a young child- family addition.

I found myself getting more and more excited with her as she chose the fish from the big tank and made preparations to bring him home.

Once we brought Fish Food to his new home, we had to prepare his new fishbowl. I had so much fun doing this with a very excited Zoe last night. I didn't realize how much work it is to create a safe environment for a fish.

Honestly, I have a major fear that I'm going to end up killing the poor thing. (I have this fear a lot about things. Lately I've been worried I will be the one to kill the community garden I have been in charge of watering.)

Seriously, what if I don't put in enough water purifier? Or I put in too much? What if we forget to feed him? Or if we leave him in a too hot or too cold area? How am I going to explain life and death in such a powerful way to my three-year-old?

Let's just hope I can keep the dang thing alive and she won't have to learn such a hands-on lesson about life or death at her age.

In any event, welcome to our family, Fish Food. We hope you like it here. (I promise to do my best not to kill you!)

Stop.

Three

Today my little miracle baby turned three.

I can't believe it.

If you want to know why she's my miracle baby read the older posts labeled "infertility".

We had a birthday BBQ for her last Saturday. She had an absolute BLAST!

She also attended a Princess Festival here in town where everyone addressed her as "Princess Zoe".

She now insists she is a princess.

Which is true.

As is customary, I will be writing her three-year letter. Today I just wanted to spend some time with her. We're having a "yes" day and she's loving it.

Tonight we're going to share cupcakes at Daddy's softball game and get her last present- a goldfish "like Dorothy" (see Elmo) which she has decided to name "Fish Food".

Yes, she came up with that all by herself.

Happy Birthday my beautiful girl!

The Equipoise Family Grows!!

Paige was born at 2:47 am July 29th. She weighed in at 8lbs 5oz and is 22in long. She is a very strong little girl with a great set of pipes and very plump cheeks. We are all in love, including her big sister Zoe, and will be spending the next little bit enjoying her. I'll try to put up a few more pics soon!

Revise

So, when I wrote that brief post about false labor when I was pregnant with Zoe...I had no idea how bad it could be. Back then I had some fairly regular, yet mostly painless contractions, and there I was calling it False Labor! Until last night, I would have continued to call it that. Unfortunately, last night I discovered what true false labor is: 3 hours of contractions 2-7 minutes apart (getting closer), full of pain all the way from my pelvis and through my back, no sleep, and a whole lot of debating on whether or not I should go to the hospital. Lucky I didn't go since they almost abruptly stopped around 6 am and Love and I still had to get up and function today. Baby Paige, let's not do that again unless it's the real thing, huh? 

Yet Another Update

I feel like all I've done lately on this blog is updates since I go such long stretches between posting. Life has been so crazy lately. At my last OB appointment I measured 3 weeks ahead and was dilated to a 3.5. I am schedule this coming Thursday for a growth ultrasound to determine Paige's weight and we'll go from there. This appointment made me realize I could easily go into labor any day so I've been busy trying to complete my to do list before she makes her appearance! As of right now I'm scheduled to be induced August 5th, so at least I have an end date for this pregnancy should nothing happen before then.

Amidst all the pregnancy chaos, my Zoe turned two a couple weeks ago. Two! I can't believe it. It amazes me how time flies. To celebrate we had a family party the Sunday before. Here are some pictures:


Elmo cupcakes made with a confetti cake mix, Zoe's choice.


Cute outfit and hair clips from her aunt and uncle



Grandma and Grandpa know how much Zoe loves airplanes lately!


Another fun toy from Grandma and Grandpa


Crying, laughing, eating, burping, sleeping baby from her other aunt

She had a blast and it was fun to have everyone over. On her actual Birthday, Love and I took the day off and took her to the Zoo for the first time:


Looking for monkeys


Watching the elephants


The new baby elephant at our Zoo



Still watching elephants. They were her favorite. In fact, we found a little stuffed elephant named Aurora at the gift shop that we took home. She now sleeps with it.





Some of the animals we saw


We tried to get Zoe to do this, but she was not having it, so Love volunteered. After the Zoo we took Zoe to her favorite fast food place, McDonald's, where she had chicken nuggets, apples and milk...just like always.


Zoe being silly at McDonald's

After we got home and she had a nap, we had a little front yard BBQ with our friends/ neighbors:


Baby feeding set from Mom and Dad


Zoe's attempt to smile with teeth as she shows off her fairy princess dress-up outfit from our awesome friends


A Utah Utes football also from our friends. (Daddy's favorite gift to her.)


Baby stroller from Mom and Dad


Diaper changing set for her baby from Mom and Dad


Last, Baby's very own mini Pack n' Play


Already playing with the stroller


Birthday Cake!


A very worn out Birthday Girl after some cake.

We think she had a fun day. I'm so glad to have this little girl in my life. She is full of emotions from laughter and smiles to tears and screams...but she always manages to melt my heart at least once a day. She keeps us laughing and we love her dearly. Happy (Belated) Birthday sweet girl!

Life in the Equipoise Family

Life with Zoe has been a bit of a roller coaster ride lately. We think she is getting her second set of molars. Teething has always brought out the clingy, whiny side of my little girl...but this time it's different. She has now entered the stage of throw-yourself-on-the-floor temper tantrums if she doesn't get her way or if she can't communicate something. With my emotions on their own roller coaster and my body beginning to weaken under the weight of carrying my second child, I don't always handle this so well. We've been giving her some time in her room under these circumstances for her to sort out her feelings and calm down enough to talk to us. Most of the time, though, we never really do find out what started the tantrum in the first place. Still, our strategy seems to be working. I've found that toddler emotions are just really big, and they don't have the self-control to keep them in check. I've also found that pregnancy freak-out buttons are really easy to push and I don't always have the self-control to keep them in check either. Funny how that happens. So, Zoe and I do a lot of lap cuddles and have little conversations which often end in us both apologizing to each other and giving "loves". On the upside, she makes me laugh every day. I love to watch her mimic us as she puts her bunny and frog to sleep and tells them, "Sleep Good! I love you! See you in the morning!" She will sing for us or with us when we put her down for naps and sometimes if we just ask her to. She is really starting to communicate and annunciate well and it has made for some pretty interesting conversations. She is generally a very well behaved child, even in public. We introduced her to the toddler bed about a month ago. We had huge fears over how hard the transition was going to be for her. For a couple weeks she went to bed crying, but would always fall asleep on her own. She tried to get out of bed a few times, but after telling her to stay in bed once and a few more time of silently laying her back in bed, she stays there until I come to get her...no matter how long she's been awake. We're so proud of her for this accomplishment...and happy that she loves her "new bed". Zoe loves to be outside and loves to get the attention of all the kids in our neighborhood, many of which she knows by name. While she doesn't usually want to leave my side, she has begun to venture off, explore and interact more. She likes to "go walk" with Mom and "get books" at the library. In fact, we went to the library this morning. Usually she will pick some books and I will pick some books and we will read or look through all of them and she decides which books to take home. She had a long attention span today so we sat and read most of the books and took a large stack home with us. We left the back way so she could get a good look at the flags before we headed home. As we walked we had the following conversation:

Zoe: "Hey Mom?!"

Me: "Yes, sweetheart?"

Zoe: "That was fun."

And my heart melted. These are the days that I live for- the ones that make me thank my Heavenly Father for giving me stewardship over this special spirit. These are the days that make me feel like I can parent two.

Speaking of Paige...I will be 31 weeks tomorrow. Zoe is starting to notice my belly more and more. She will tell Paige "good morning!" and give her kisses on my belly. She points out the baby things in the house (even what used to be Zoe's crib) and say "Paige's ...?" I think she will be a great sister. Paige seems to think she doesn't have enough room and likes to stretch and kick around often. Little does she know, the space will continue to get smaller! Most days I feel like a marshmallow trapped in an old lady's body. My ankles are swelling, my lower back and hips feel wrong most days, it hurts to walk, sit, stand and especially to get up. So far the Gestational Diabetes isn't making me too crazy. My sugar levels have been pretty good and I'm managing to get some sort of exercise daily...even if it's just vacuuming the whole house. I'm happy to know that I have a mere nine weeks left...but also a little afraid of what those weeks will bring. I start non-stress tests again next week. I'm excited about it just because I'll get to see Paige weekly, but also worried how I'm going to get sitters for so many appointments. No matter what, though, I know it will all work out. I have people that support me and in nine short weeks I'll be blessed with another baby girl. That makes it all worth it.

Our summer plans mostly involve playing outside with Zoe whenever possible. Love takes our only car everyday so besides that, walks and visits to the library she and I are generally stuck at home. Living with one car for two years has been hard....more so now that we live so far away from everything. But I know that we couldn't have made it if we had two car payments...at least not with me being able to work from home and be with Zoe. The summer nights have been gorgeous- which has resulted in less TV time for Love and I (for the best) and often a later bed time for Zoe. Still it's nice to just enjoy each other's company and watch Zoe collect rocks. Some highlights of this summer will be plenty of BBQ's with our neighbors/friends, family gatherings, a visit next week from my Mom and Grandma, some pre-planned girls nights with my friend, and of course, the new addition to the Equipoise Family.

So that is our life right now. I'm really trying to give myself permission to be more lenient on the to do list and enjoy the last few weeks I'll have with my family of three before we become four. I want to soak up some sunshine before Utah brings the cold again. I want to put my feet up when I can and read some great books...maybe find some more time for my music...maybe even for my writing and drawing. We'll just have to see.

Facebook Killed the Blogger

These days I spend way to much time on Facebook. While it is a fantastic way to stay in touch with family and friends scattered across the country/world, it is also very time consuming and addicting. I've tossed around the idea of canceling my account altogether...but can't stand the thought of losing easy contact with all those people. The most annoying thing about my Facebook addiction is that I haven't been blogging. I've met so many wonderful people through this blog and I don't want to lost contact with them either. I need to find some sort of balance between the two. Anyway, while I work on balancing my life...which IS the point of this blog...here's an update:



Taken on Mother's Day-26 weeks pregnant. I'm now almost 28 weeks pregnant. I have my check-up on Friday when I have to take the glucose test to determine if I have to be treated for gestational diabetes or not. Paige is getting big. She likes to move around a lot- I really enjoy watching her movements from the outside. Unfortunately, she tends to move the most when I want to sleep or relax. I find I'm having a lot more "fake" contractions with this pregnancy. They can be uncomfortable, but not too worrisome. She already seems to like music. Several times she'll be moving around and I'll begin to sing and she suddenly stops. I love it. Zoe seems to understand what's going on more and more. We are trying to prepare her as much as we can. Other than pregnancy, I keep busy with work, trying to keep up with the house, spend as many hours in the sun as possible, and enjoy my Zoe.



Speaking of Zoe, she is becoming our little comedian. It's almost hard to remember all the things she does that make us laugh daily. She is really starting to remember people and will ask where they are constantly...and repetitively. These people range from friends, to family, to neighbors, etc. Sometimes she will even yell, "Mommy (or bunny, or "insert name here"), where are you?!" She always asks where Love is in the morning. When I tell her he's at work she responds with, "Playing basketball." Apparently she thinks Daddy was destined for something else? Her newest/most used phrase lately is, "I want some more!" This can be anything from repeating a song we just sang, to food, to a fun activity, etc. Her new favorite song is, "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed." I added an "ouch" after the monkey falls and bumps his head- which receives tons of giggles. Zoe always sings the last part: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed!" It's awesome. She loves to watch Elmo and Clifford...I save these for when I need to occupy her so I can shower or etc. She really enjoys going to the park, the library and going on walks with Mommy. We're enjoying the warmer weather as much as we can. Also, we just switched our big girl to a toddler bed a week ago. I'll save that update for another post. She also got her first pair of sunglasses...which she LOVES.




Love just got a promotion. He has worked so hard and deserves it completely. It took a few months to process and we haven't quite seen the raise, but everything is finalized so it just depends on which paycheck they start it on. We're excited to have a little more breathing room in the money department. He is an awesome husband and Daddy and a neighborhood favorite with the kids. Here he is demonstrating "the mean face" with Zoe. How I love my little family!

Sunshine

I'm sitting here in my room listening to the dishwasher running downstairs, the breeze and the sounds of cars passing coming through my open window, and the sweet singing of my little princess- who is supposed to be sleeping- coming from the other room. I've spent the last few days outside as much as possible, trying to soak up as much warmth and sunshine as I possibly can. As I sit here, I'm thinking some of that sunshine has seeped right into my soul. (Some of you will understand that reference.) Tonight, I'm feeling incredibly blessed.

There are a lot of things going on in my life that are hard. Frustrations with money, pregnancy pains, how to manage my time, worries about the future...the list goes on. These things are always floating through my mind. There are people in my life that have much bigger worries than me, yet I can't help feeling weighed down by my own burdens. Too often I find myself just trying to get through until some future event. My days are passing me by. With that passage of time I am getting closer to meeting this new little angel who is presently kicking around in my belly. With that passage of time Zoe gets closer and closer to being two.

The past few days I have lowered my expectations of what a clean house is, I've left things for another day, I've turned off the television and gone outside. We have taken walks, blown bubbles, spent time with friends, gone to the park, watered the plants, collected rocks, been sunburned, and just sat on the porch enjoying the weather. This freedom has allowed my mind to put away the worries and live a little more in the moment. Tonight I let Zoe sing me two songs before bed after I had already sang her three. We read a few more books than we normally do. She hugged me five times on each side before she would let me put her down. I wasn't rushing to get downstairs and watch whatever was on. I wasn't in a hurry to get her to bed even though it was past bedtime. I just let the bedtime routine play on as it wanted and tried to soak up each sweet moment that I had with my first born. It was magical.

Love works so hard all day every day. Most of the time he comes home, we eat dinner, and we veg on the couch until bedtime. Lately, though, he's been coming home, changing and coming outside to play basketball with Zoe and the neighbor kids. Or sitting on the porch and talking to me or to our friends. He's busier when warm weather comes going to softball games, golfing, or basketball on Saturday mornings. Still he finds time to do the dishes and take out the trash to help me out just a little.

I've started yoga (again) and made sure to do something active everyday. I feel like this has let me ease up, enjoy life as it is now, and make smarter choices with what I put in my body- most of the time. Being more active seems to help me to be stronger, but it also adds to my pregnancy pains and that is hard, but I feel like it will be better for me (and for Paige) during delivery and as I recover. I make it a point to read (even if it's not much) every day and have been enjoying having a bit of "me" time. I feel successful in my work and that is a great blessing after many slow months.

In general, I feel happy. No matter the difficulties we face and the challenges that lie ahead for us, I know that somehow we'll be OK. I know everything will work out. I need to remember that life isn't about a perfectly clean house. Maybe it's about tiny hands collecting rocks and playing in the dirt. Maybe it's about relaxing and enjoying the movements of my second child. Perhaps it's about spending quality time with the love of my life. Or having daily porch conversations with friends. Something about the cold weather makes me forget all these things. I'm so grateful for the sunshine up above and all the little rays of sunshine in my life that fill me up and make me whole. I thank my Heavenly Father, publicly, at this moment for the blessing that is my life.

Warm Weather

Something about sunshine and warm weather makes me care less about cleaning or playing on the computer and care more about playing and soaking up the warmth! This is what we've been up to since I last posted:



Zoe's learning to dress (and, unfortunately, undress) herself


We had a little egg coloring party at our house the day before Easter


Zoe thought blue fingers might be fun


Zoe's reaction to seeing her Easter basket



Easter spoils


Success with pigtails!


Zoe LOVES to collect rocks


We've been to the park a few times


Zoe loves to swing. She says, "Again?", over and over and when we leave she can't stop telling me how much fun she had. She also really likes the slide.


Park Princess


Zoe likes to prop frog up to sit with her when she plays the piano

As you can see, we've had a fun couple of weeks so I hope you'll forgive my absence. Also, while I was away, we chose to name baby number two: Paige Alexis. I'm glad to finally have a name for her! So far the pregnancy seems to be going fine, though the warm weather has brought on a bit of early swelling and I'm starting to really "feel" pregnant, which makes getting through the day a bit more difficult but still manageable. Paige is definitely stretching and kicking her legs as much as she can. I'm now 23 weeks and 1 day into this pregnancy- it seems to be going so much faster this time around. Zoe is starting to grasp that there is a baby in there...at least I think so. She likes to kiss my tummy and she's felt Paige kick a couple times. I'm not sure that she knows what it actually was, but she was sure wide-eyed when she felt the movement. I'm enjoying all these sweet moments.