Baby Update

Two weeks ago I measured two weeks ahead at my doctors appointment. This concerned both me and my doctor so he scheduled a growth ultrasound for last Friday to check on Paige. It was a long week and a half until Friday. Finally the day arrived and my first appointment of the day was my Non-Stress Test. Paige has passed both of these tests so far with flying colors. This child can MOVE! In fact, she moved so much that we were there slightly longer because she kept moving away from the heart monitor. Silly girl. I did the test with an abnormally full bladder (because I had to guzzle 32 oz. of water an hour before the ultrasound) so I had a couple strong contractions during the NST but nothing to worry about. I somehow made it to the elevator to go up 3 floors for the ultrasound. What is it about ultrasounds that they are always running behind? I had to wait another 10 minutes holding my full bladder before they took me back there. (If you're wondering why I keep bringing it up, try drinking 32 oz of water and see how you feel in an hour...then imagine a baby inside of you sitting right on top of your bladder and kicking it repeatedly. It's not fun.) Finally, we entered the ultrasound room and they began to measure the baby. She measured just over 1 week further along than she's supposed to be...but still within normal range. Paige is just going to be a big baby it seems. We also had them double check to make sure we're having a girl. There's definitely no mistaking that one. After being allowed some relief I was taken back to the exam room for my weekly Dr's appointment. He was concerned that my sugars are kind of all over the place. I was concerned as well because I've been feeling like there was no rhyme or reason to them. After some talking I was put on some medication (not insulin) that helps metabolize sugar. I am hoping that this medication will help me to feel a bit more in control and keep Paige from getting bigger than she needs to be. At this point we're looking to induce around 39 weeks. So, I have roughly 5.5 weeks to go. I'm getting excited and nervous at the same time. Luckily, Love has the next week off so we are going to work on setting up and organizing everything for Paige's arrival. I think once that is done, I will feel a bit less stressed. Here I am at 33 weeks:

Here we go again...

Today I called in to get the results of my glucose test. As expected, I do have gestational diabetes. :( While I was holding on to an ounce of hope that I wouldn't have to do this again, I was realistic and pretty much expected that I would. So, out comes all the diet info and so begins the multiple finger pricks a day. We're hoping to control it this time with diet and exercise so hopefully I won't have to give myself shots again, but we'll see. I'm also pretty anemic so I've been instructed to begin taking iron supplements twice a day. Hopefully that will give me a bit more energy. I have 11.5 weeks left until my due date. I can totally do this again. Right?

Long Weekend

Friday morning found me early as Love was bustling around our room getting ready to leave for breakfast before work. He kissed me goodbye and I got up to go to the bathroom. Once there I realized I was having vaginal bleeding and rushed downstairs to catch him before he left. With shaking hands I called the doctor on call and reached the answering service who said they would page him. I crawled into bed next to Love to wait for a call back as alternating thoughts of hope and graphic miscarriage played in my head. He held my hand but we said nothing, afraid of our emotions...afraid to speculate. After about 40 minutes of this, I decided I couldn't just let those thoughts have me and went and took a shower. After an hour passed by I called the doctor back to discover that it was now my doctor on call and the other doctor hadn't bothered to call me back. They paged my doctor and he called me in two minutes. My only hopeful sign was that I didn't have any cramping so my doctor told me to come in right when they opened and they would do an ultrasound to check on the baby. We got Zoe up and got out the door saying little to each other, but trying to act normal for her sake. My blessed in-laws were called and asked if they would watch Zoe and of course they said they would. What would we do without them?

We got to the hospital and sat for a short while in the waiting room until they called us back. They took us straight to the ultrasound room and I was instructed to lay on the table. I tried to calm my heart as I braced myself for bad news. When the technician found the baby it was really still, which was alarming. The last time I saw that little one it looked like a peanut. Now it looked like a baby and it wasn't moving. Suddenly the baby kicked just as the tech pointed to the heartbeat. She turned on the sound and we heard the most beautiful, quick little heartbeat. Tears sprang to my eyes as I reached for Love's hand and saw that he was crying too. She checked the baby's length and it was right where it should be. Feeling relieved we let her explore to find the source of the bleeding as we watched our baby kicking around. She discovered a small separation of the placenta from the uterus and explained that was the source of the bleeding. Surprisingly this is fairly common, and we were told our separation was tiny. We were given a couple pictures and told to go to the waiting room until my doctor could speak with us. The doctor confirmed what the nurse said, told me to take it easy for a few days and it should heal on it's own. Also, not to do anything strenuous for a week to ten days. We left feeling so much lighter than we did as we walked in. I walked in thinking it was the end of a pregnancy and walked out relieved and happy to have caught a glimpse of the baby growing inside of me. I spent the rest of the day resting at my in-laws' home and the rest of the weekend taking it easy as Love took charge of Zoe and the house and let me rest.

I'm feeling much better today, though I've been reminded just how fragile life can be...and what a miracle each child is in our lives. I'm hopeful that we'll get through this pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby in six months. I keep praying we will, anyway.

I got me a partner!

Well, I got one a long time ago...but Love has agreed to start getting up and running with me in the morning! If there's one thing I've learned about myself over the years, it's that I AM NOT a self-motivated person. I must have a reason, a friend, or a prepared task that gives me incentive to do something. If I have that, I'm great. I am a doer, a go-getter, a task...completer...??? Yeah, something like that. If not, I'm sunk. It's terribly sad, I know...but don't worry. If I don't have a motivator, I am excellent at complaining.

In baby news, well, there really isn't any. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not this month...and honestly...I am not really to worried about it. Maybe I'm in denial...maybe I have found some sort of peace about the whole thing for a while...maybe I'm just tired. Yes, tired. I'm tired of thinking about it constantly. Sick of letting it take over my life. I have so much stress in my life right now and sometimes I feel like if I could just get pregnant...a lot of it would be relieved. To me, stress may be something keeping me from getting there. So, I'm trying to take a step back. I want to start focusing on me, on Love, on getting in shape, finding more time for creative things. Maybe if I just try to step out of it for a bit...I'll conceive. Who knows? It's worth a shot right? Don't worry, we're definitely not giving up. We are still trying...still...well you know...on the right days and all that. Yet we're trying to focus on other things for a while. If that doesn't work by the end of the summer, then we'll look at our budget and see if we can fit in those (high cost, not covered by insurance- that's another topic though) options that the Doctor gave us. I want a baby soooo bad. I'm aching to be a mother and to let Love experience the fatherhood he never got to have with his daughter. I guess I'm just not ready to give up on nature yet. Has anyone else had this problem?

Screws, Pain, and Fatigue

Wow, it's been a few days huh? Well, I did go see the doctor on Thursday. After a significant amount of poking and prodding (which made my semi-pain-free arm hurt enormously), me worrying that I didn't know if I was pregnant or not this month (ha!) and an x-ray wearing double lead and sitting as far away from the x-ray table as my arm would allow...we know exactly nothing. The one screw that is bothering me seems to be slightly unaligned with the rest, but not enough to tell if it is actually loose. So, right now, I'm just waiting. The doctor wants to see if maybe it was hit and is just inflamed, or if it is actually coming loose. I have an appointment for a month from now, which I will keep if the pain persists. As of now, my arm actually feels fine most of the time. Let's all hope it stays that way...at least until after summer.

My three major Monday complaints are:

* I woke up with a stomach ache AGAIN this morning. What is up with that?

* I had a relaxing, boring weekend. Why am I so freakin tired?

* Work

Let's all just get through today huh?

P.S. I haven't had one spare moment of time lately to go on a picture hunt for my header...please be patient with me! :-)

Less Than Hopeful

I am feeling a little apprehensive. I do not know yet if I'm pregnant. I won't know until sometime between June 1st and June 4th. Why the 3 day range? I miscalculated CD1 as suspected. I thought had it all figured out until I took an ovulation test and discovered my LH surge was happening 3 days earlier than expected. Do you know what else this means? It means I did the HSG test on CD11 instead of during the CD7-CD10 window. I don't know if that's really bad or not, but it doesn't make me happy. All of this, along with the fact that my boobs hurt again (which means exactly nothing), leaves me feeling a bit like I've spun out of control. Being the control freak I am...well I'm sure you can imagine. These factors also leave me feeling like this isn't THE month...again. Well, I guess I kind of always feel like that...probably so I don't have to feel any emotion when it isn't.

Which brings me to my next cause of stress. If I am not pregnant this month, I have to decide between doing the test or the procedure- for which I am unsure if I have the money- or decide to try naturally for one to a few more months. Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I'm lost and my emotions are only leading me a thousand different directions. I didn't think it would be this hard to decide...but how do you make that leap from natural to assisted? I thought what I wanted was a solution...but the more I think about it, the more doubts and fears I have about jumping. I just wish, for once, that SOMETHING would be easy. I guess all I can do now is wait, and hope that either this is THE month, or that I will find peace with at least one option. I need your advice friends!

A Few Good Things

As I mentioned yesterday, the HSG test results came out normal. Now that the cramps have subsided, I can let myself be happy about the normal result. (Yay!) Where to next? I don't know, but I have the nurse working on it for me. Still feeling a little violated, there just something not right about having fluid forced (very painfully) through your fallopian tubes. The hard part is over and now I can hope that I'm part of that 15% of couples who get pregnant one to two months after this procedure.

Matt was wonderful to me the whole day. I felt just terrible and was curled up in bed/ on the couch most of the day. He went grocery shopping, brought me lunch, cleaned then entire house, did laundry and took great care of me through all of it. I just love him!
In non-baby news, Matt had a 3rd interview for a new job (and a great pay raise) this morning and he was offered the job!!!! I am ecstatic! Today is a wonderful day!
***Doctor just called and said that at this point, the only thing not normal was the viscosity (stickyness) of Love's little swimmers. Here are our options:
1) Get sample and do a sperm wash and and place the sperm into the uterus- called IUI- (we can do this up to 3 times)
2) Hamster egg penetration test- called a Sperm Penetration Assay or SPA- (yes I did a double take too). Basically they take a sperm sample and place it with hamster eggs to test how well (or if at all) the sperm penetrate the eggs. If they can't penetrate I guess they have a way of enhancing the sperm to help them out.
We can choose which test to do first. If any of you have had either of these procedures done, can you tell me about it? Either comment or send me an e-mail. (findingequipoise@gmail.com) I am concerned about cost, about pain, success rate, procedure, etc. Thank you!

OUCH!

I hate cramping! Expecially my cramping. I always feel nauseous and helpless and I can't find a good temperature. Cool air gives me chills, hot air makes me nauseous. That pretty much covers how I felt on the way home from my appointment this morning. (I couldn't help thinking, if this car ride feels this long now, what will it be like during labor?) SO glad I took the whole day off.
The test itself went exactly as I thought, though the radiologist didn't seem too concerned that my "whole world" was open for viewing to him and the nurse the whole time. I guess they don't feel the need to cover me up whenever possible... The good news is that everything looks perfectly normal. That news makes Monday not seem so bad. What makes Monday bad is all this cramping...I feel so strange. Oh well, things are normal and tomorrow is another day.

On The Calendar

O.K. I started (for sure this time) today. I know because my insides are seemingly, or quite literally, RIPPING out. I know I said I started friday, but I didn't really start until today. Are you confused? I am. My body is a trickster- and a cruel one at that- what can I say really??? I called the Doctor today, my HSG is scheduled for next monday, the 14th, at 10 am. (I took the whole day off.)

Now...

Thank you to those of you who left kind comments. I'll admit, I had one horrible Friday. I was just on edge and on the verge of tears the entire day. It was hard because I started 4 days early, but didn't really start. It kept going off and on and has been for 3 days now. At this point, I don't really know what to think. I'm certainly very tired of the cruel trick my body likes to play on me each month. I always have 5 or 6 days of guessing and second guessing until I finally know for sure. I think it would be a lot easier to just know, one way or the other. My emotions are better now- nicely walled up and locked away for another month. My only real worry at this point is I have to do the dye test now. (Called Hysterosalpingogram or HSG). I wasn't too worried before, but I have a sister-in-law that is going through the exact same thing as I am. In fact we are two weeks apart in our cycles. I am so thankful to have her there by my side going through the same things I am.

She had her HSG last week. In speaking with her about it, I found out that there is a significant amount of cramping afterward (I'm supposed to take Motrin before the test), Matt can't come into the room because they don't want to expose any one to radiation (?!?!?!) that doesn't need to be, and they have to do it within the cycle days 7-10. Wow, that's a sickeningly small window. My fear is, I cannot figure out what day my cycle began, or if it has really begun. Why? Because I haven't had my normal cramps, and I have yet to bleed normally. The projected first cycle day is tomorrow, so I think I'll call the my doctor tomorrow, explain to him what's going on, and see if they can help me pinpoint it. Anyway, that will occur sometime this week. I just hope all goes well. The brighter side of this test is, if everything comes out normal, they say there is a high percentage of women who get pregnant one to two months following the test. Simply because, if there was any minor blockage, or anything on the uterine lining that was keeping pregnancy from happening, the dye should flush it out. So, I will continue to be hopeful.

Results!

We arrive at the doctor's office and the nurse brings us back into the exam room and mumbles, what I heard as, the following: "Dr. should be done with surgery and heading up any minute"..."undress and lie face down (?)"...and something about a sheet- I assume she is referring to the green folded one on the table- as she shut the door. So, Matt sits down, takes my coat and purse from me, I say, "Face down?" He looks at me and says something to the effect of, "Maybe you're supposed to have your butt in the air?" Continuing to find it strange, I take my sheet into the changing stall in the corner and proceed to undress. Halfway through I begin to remove my shirt when it occurs to me that there's no breast exam today...so I ask Matt to go ask the nurse if I need to take my shirt off. He sighs and fulfills my request. I overhear the nurse say, "No, I said from the waist down." (Waist down, face down...it sounds the same, right?) Feeling sheepish, I open up the sheet- which turns out to be rather small- and suddenly feel very grateful I double checked.

Just as I am about to sit on the exam table, the Doctor walks in and shakes my hand, followed by Matt's. He then opens my chart, explains a few things to Matt- since I was the one who actually received the lab results from his test, not him- and then puts my feet in the stirrups. As he turns around to put on his gloves, I examine my new footrests and discover they are horse puppets- stirrups dressed as horse puppets- how ironic. Placing my rear all the way at the end of the table, I lay down and feel something cold, something uncomfortable- which proceeds to become more uncomfortable- then I hear a click. "Is that bearable for a couple minutes?" he asks. "Oh sure," I say aloud- (just as comfy as a bed of nails!) *insert eye rolling here* They're men...they don't know. Then he inserts, what I swear looks like, pliers, pulls them out to show me how the elasticity is good in my cervical mucus (Oh thanks, always wanted to see that! I'm sure Matt did too!) and then takes a sample. The "fun" part is finally over as he removes evil metal duck thingy, and leaves the room to examine the specimen. I run into the changing stall and dress. Waiting...

He came back much sooner than expected and said everything looked good. (Oh good, my mucus isn't killing Matt's "boys"!) "Lots of little swimmers!" he exclaimed, and proceeded to tell us that they were moving around just fine- yay, the viscosity isn't an issue- and that if we don't get pregnant this month, he wants me back for the dye test next month. So, I am feeling hopeful. I am relieved that nothing serious is wrong so far, and also a little confused as to why we aren't pregnant yet- since everything is normal. I know, though, that all things happen for a reason and when it's time, we will have a little one in our lives. Until then, I'll try to relax and let nature take it's course- hopefully. Nighty night blog world!

Fertility Journey

Wow, I can't believe how long it has taken me to get on here and write about the test results. As you know, Matt submitted his "little swimmers" to the lab last Monday to have them tested. Well, on Friday I called the doctor to find out the results. The doctor said that, overall, he was happy with the results. The motility (their sense of direction and movement) was really good, he said, and the forms (as in how well they're formed and whether or not there are malformed or dead ones) looked good. The only problem they could see was the lab was unable to determine the sperm count as the sample was viscous (sticky). The doctor said this was solvable by running the sperm through a small needle to separate them and that would solve the problem. But first, he wanted to do a test on me.

The test is called a post coital (after intercourse) and basically they want to test the cervical mucus and the sperm 3-15 hours after intercourse- during your most fertile time- to make sure the sperm aren't being killed by the cervical mucus, and also that the sperm are not too viscous to make it through the cervical mucus. So, I had to pee on a stick for the last couple of days to find out when I am most fertile (ovulation kit to test for my lh surge). I peed on a stick Friday...faint purple line, deep purple line...nope. Saturday- peed on a stick: two purple lines, but the test line still wasn't as deep as the control line. Today, after being told by my hubby to "go pee on a stick": two purple lines...called the doctor- on his cell phone because we have to schedule an appointment within the 3-15 hour time frame- voice mail. :-(

Oh well, hopefully he'll call sometime tomorrow. At least I'm done peeing on a stick for this month!

The Appointment (part two)

I’ve been trying to find a minute to get on here and write about friday’s appointment, I finally found time just now, so bear with me as I try to get all this out.

My emotions were a little raw the rest of the day Friday. I just…I don’t know. I was so nervous-I’m talking fidgeting, shaking, pit-in-your-stomach nervous- all morning to go to the appointment. I thought they would do all these tests and tell me what was going on and I’d have somewhere to go from there- but I got there and all he did was talk to us, tell us that Matt needed to give a sample, gave us a couple options and said, “Everything looks normal and I’m confident you will be pregnant within the next few months.”

I suppose I should have taken that as good news, but I felt like nothing was really resolved and I was still recovering from how hard it was to even go to that appointment. I just shouldn’t have had all those expectations when I really had no idea WHAT to expect. Part of my problem is, if there’s nothing wrong with me at this point, why can’t I just get pregnant? Why didn’t they do tests on me too? Why didn’t they give us a drug, or something to try in the meantime? I went to the appointment expecting answers, and left with more questions. I suppose I should have gotten all my frustrations out while I was there…but I just felt like I was off in another world…it was the weirdest feeling…almost like having an out-of-body experience, like I wasn’t supposed to be there or something.

Today, I’m feeling ok about it. Matt took his sample in to the lab this morning so we’ll wait and see if the problem lies in that department. Once we find that out, the doctor wants to do a dye test on me- basically they flush a colored liquid through my tubes to make sure things flow freely and everything is clear. After that test, they will test to make sure my cervical mucus isn’t killing off the sperm. If that is the case, they will do artificial insemination (by the husband) to get the sperm past the cervical mucus so they will have a better chance. So, we have a plan. I feel like everything will be ok. I am trying not to worry about artificial insemination and it’s cost-since we haven’t even gotten that far yet, but it’s hard for me not to worry.

My hope is that it will be something simple. I am hoping that something like fertility drugs will fix the problem, or if there is no problem, I am hoping that Heavenly Father is sending us a child soon, that he’s just waiting for something specific to happen first. Right now, I’m just waiting- like I haven’t done enough of that in a year- to find out SOMETHING. I appreciate your comments and well wishing on my behalf, and I will continue to keep you posted.

The Appointment (part one)

On Saturday Matt and I went on an amazing walk (finally) on the trail behind our house. We have decided to continue to walk there…often. I have decided, though, to write about it another day. I have to warn you, things will get a little up close and personal from here on out, so if you don’t want to know…stop reading.
Today, I am feeling a little on edge. Up until now, I have only slightly hinted at the fact that we have been trying for a baby. To say that this has been a fun and wonderful process would be an overstatement at this point. I am certain my friends and family have had it with my complaints but today, I just need to get it out.
I feel like my body is playing tricks on me. I was supposed to know today whether or not we accomplished pregnancy this month. If you think it’s funny that I used the word “accomplished”, you have never tried for a year to have a baby. Instead of knowing, I got a little trickle of the evil red stuff, no cramps and instead of the tenderness of “the twins” subsiding-as it usually does on day 1- it got worse. So, of course, my mind starts racing…trying to find one good reason for me to think…”maybe, oh maybe”…nope…gotta block that thought. You see, I have become well trained in the art of stopping myself from thinking about the unthinkable. After the MELTDOWN last October, I’m not allowed to think “that” until I have a straight faced doctor to confirm it…twice. However, just because I have trained myself to stop those thoughts, it doesn’t mean the mind won’t try. It’s been eating at me all day…festering deep inside my brain…and tearing at my heart. I even considered buying a test…but who knows how much money I’ve spent on those already.
I am sure there are many women who have gone through the same thing I am going through. My question is…did your body play tricks on you? This isn’t the first time things like this have happened. In fact, I think there has been about 1 month out of 11 that things played out normally and I had a definitive “no”. Every other month there has been a pause and then a lot of questions. It has been absolute torture. I am not a patient person…and it is bad enough that 11 months have gone by…but does my body have to re-open the wound each time with a serrated knife?
I have almost become numb to it. I wouldn’t be surprised if/when it happens and I don’t believe it. I will be staring right into the doctor’s eyes as he tells me and I won’t believe him. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’ve decided I am incapable of this…maybe motherhood through this route isn’t my path…or maybe, I’ve just heard “no” so many times…”yes” is a far-away, forgotten word. Either way, none of these things are the reason I am on here.
Today, I made a call to the doctor…and, admitting defeat, scheduled the dreaded appointment.
Nurse: “What kind of appointment do you need to schedule?”
Me (timid): “I am not sure, I was just told to call and schedule a fertility appointment after we had been trying for a year.”
Nurse: “What date marks a year?”
Me: “April 12th, so probably something anytime after that.”
My appointment is April 13th…8:15 am. It seems so final. I know there is a road ahead…but I never thought conceiving would be so hard. You grow up thinking, “Well, when I want to have a baby, I will.” It doesn’t work that way…at least not for me. I know, I know…there is still hope. Maybe my body isn’t playing tricks on me this month…we do still have next month…but today…all I can think about is April 13th…and I’m scared.