Often, after I settle my girls in bed, my evenings are spent working or laying on the couch watching television or cleaning the kitchen. Tonight as I sat down to turn on the TV I hesitated as I noticed the calm peace that had settled over my home. Not wanting to disturb that peace, I turned here instead.
Lately my family has had a difficult time getting along. When I say my family, I mean every single one of us. I have been tired and grumpy and stressed. Matt has felt similar feelings and also has work issues he carries home with him. The girls and I are desperately trying to get back into our normal routine after a difficult month in March. They are fighting a lot more, arguing with us, being disobedient, lazy, pushing our buttons harder. I told a friend today that I sometimes feel like my kids have been replaced with rude aliens. When my kids are acting up and I am not at my best and most energetic, well, let's just say that my attitude probably doesn't help much.
Tonight we were having another rough evening. Everyone's tone of voice was on edge. There was so much contention going on! Matt and I were both exhausted and trying to get dinner made. My home felt chaotic and unsettled and I felt like we were all going to either explode or kill each other if I didn't do something to change our environment and our attitudes. So I took the advice my Mother gave me as a small child when we talked about what I could do when I was angry or scared or unsettled: I turned to the Hymns.
Thank goodness for technology! I opened up the Pandora app on my phone and plugged it into the speaker and bathed my home and my family in Hymns. Within moments I felt more peaceful. Within minutes, my kids were getting along and laughing as Zoe worked on her math program for school as Paige watched. Matt calmed down and got a bit of rest on the couch as I finished up the dishes.
I have a strong belief and testimony of the power of good music in our lives. I have always felt the Spirit of my Heavenly Father strongest through music. It is through using my talents that I am able to most fully express myself and my testimony. Maybe it isn't that way for everyone. I know that music speaks to me in a different way than it does to others. It is almost as if music is my most innate language. Music skips words and thought and just goes directly to my heart.
The music flowing through my home this evening changed our environment, softened our hearts and allowed the Spirit to calmly reside here. That one decision changed the entire course of our evening. No, my kids weren't perfect, but they were better and I was far more patient and understanding. We ended the evening with scriptures and prayers, a song for each of them and a few giggles and I feel so much better about how the end of the day played out. I was able to stop and really appreciate them for who they are. I was able to really enjoy them.
I know I have been so blessed every time I look at my family. We are so fortunate to have a roof over our heads, to have our basic needs not just met but exceeded, to have insurance and good jobs, but most of all to have each other. When life gets hectic and busy it is so easy for me to get frustrated with the attitudes of my kids. Or when they get really needy when I am doing something. When I am tired it is easy to say I don't want to play house right now. But the thing is, it really is just as easy to do the opposite- if I can bring peace to myself and my home.
I need to always remember to stop and take the time to invite peace into my home and into my heart so that I can always give my children my best self instead of my crazy, frustrated self. Tonight those Hymns helped me to do that. Tomorrow that may look like 10 minutes of decompression and meditation in my room. Or yoga before bed to quiet my mind and my soul. It could be five deep breaths in the pantry. I have plenty of tools before me. I have learned these lessons. I just need to remember to put them into practice every day.
Now I'm off to get some work done as I enjoy this quiet I have created in my space. I hope you all have a peaceful evening!
I know that Hymns may not work for everyone. Especially those who believe differently than me. What do you do to bring peace to your home or to yourself? What quiets the chaos in your life or in your heart?
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Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Closer
It's hard to believe we only have two days until Christmas. My family and I have been in the throes of illness for two weeks now. I am finally starting to feel like we might be nearing the end. The relief of that feeling is indescribable. You take for granted things like having a voice, being able to exercise, being able to breathe without coughing. I can't wait until I feel like myself again.
I'm writing to you now from a hotel room in Cortez, CO. We are on our way to my home, New Mexico, to spend Christmas with my family. Unfortunately, the road into my hometown is closed due to a terrible snowstorm so we are stuck waiting.
What do these two things have in common?
Being sick and being stuck in a hotel room, our home, a car together has brought us all closer. Gratefully, I find my children endearing instead of feeling like they are driving me nuts. Zoe spent the trip entertaining us with her new nicknames for us and her silly remarks.
Last night as we were all laying down to go to sleep she said, "Dad, I'm having trouble sleeping. I think I'll count sheep." We chuckled as she started counting aloud, only to burst out laughing when she said, a few seconds later, "Actually, I think I should play Angry Birds."
Paige serenaded us with her singsong voice, talking until almost midnight and we were up early this morning because of her coughing. Yet, as soon as she saw Dad up and awake she excited squealed, "HI!" And suddenly the early hour wasn't so frustrating.
Not to mention all the time I've had to sit and talk with Matt, listen to music and just BE together while our two little ones enjoy movies in the back seat. Blessed technology!!
I'm grateful for the time to reflect and really enjoy my little family. They are my greatest blessings and (especially after last year) I'm beyond excited that we are all together this year.
Well, I'd better sign off. The extra waiting has given me some time to get a little work done.
Just in case I don't get the chance to get on here again, Merry Christmas to you all! (Or Happy Holidays to those of you who celebrate differently.) I'm so grateful to have you here!
I'm writing to you now from a hotel room in Cortez, CO. We are on our way to my home, New Mexico, to spend Christmas with my family. Unfortunately, the road into my hometown is closed due to a terrible snowstorm so we are stuck waiting.
What do these two things have in common?
Being sick and being stuck in a hotel room, our home, a car together has brought us all closer. Gratefully, I find my children endearing instead of feeling like they are driving me nuts. Zoe spent the trip entertaining us with her new nicknames for us and her silly remarks.
Last night as we were all laying down to go to sleep she said, "Dad, I'm having trouble sleeping. I think I'll count sheep." We chuckled as she started counting aloud, only to burst out laughing when she said, a few seconds later, "Actually, I think I should play Angry Birds."
Paige serenaded us with her singsong voice, talking until almost midnight and we were up early this morning because of her coughing. Yet, as soon as she saw Dad up and awake she excited squealed, "HI!" And suddenly the early hour wasn't so frustrating.
Not to mention all the time I've had to sit and talk with Matt, listen to music and just BE together while our two little ones enjoy movies in the back seat. Blessed technology!!
I'm grateful for the time to reflect and really enjoy my little family. They are my greatest blessings and (especially after last year) I'm beyond excited that we are all together this year.
Well, I'd better sign off. The extra waiting has given me some time to get a little work done.
Just in case I don't get the chance to get on here again, Merry Christmas to you all! (Or Happy Holidays to those of you who celebrate differently.) I'm so grateful to have you here!
Bouncing Around in My Head
* I have fallen off the exercise wagon. It's only been a little over a week, but I feel a lot of guilt over it. It all started because of sick kids. Then Halloween came with all the treats and the candy and the delicious bread and soups. Our plan was to start Insanity completely over together on November 1st. When we woke up, no one felt very well. Then I just got lazy. I plan to get a workout in today, so I'm hoping I can jump back on just as easily. We shall see.
* I am a little shocked that I haven't gained any weight during this last week. I'm not sure if it's just that my metabolism is a little better now. Maybe I'm not eating as many calories as I think I am...haven't been keeping track. Or, maybe I am losing all that muscle I worked so hard to get. I'm not sure. Anyone who knows is welcomed to weigh in.
* I've noticed that my lack of working out leaves me in sort of a sour mood. I think I'm missing the endorphins. Or something. I don't like it.
* I have done shockingly little off of my to do list over the last week. I hate feeling like I am playing catch-up on a daily basis.
* Daylight Savings time is evil. I still haven't adjusted. Many of my clocks still read the wrong time. Paige didn't adjust very well. I knew I should have started adjusting her schedule early! Hopefully things settle into routine again soon.
* I HATE laundry. I was one load of folding away from finishing it when I stopped a few days ago. Today I have another mountain to wash.
* I feel like the only thing I ever accomplish everyday is getting and keeping the kitchen clean and doing the dishes. Another job I despise. I guess I don't like re dos.
* I am missing the summery sunshine. The sun is out today, but it's that dim, winter sunlight. I hate winter. I hate snow. I hate to be cold. Hopefully this winter isn't too horrible.
* On a brighter note, I am so excited for Christmas this year! Last Christmas, well, let's be honest, it sucked. Yeah, I was with my girls and my family...but not having Matt was really hard for me and I am so excited for us to all celebrate together this year. Plus! My brother is back from his mission and can join us, and my sister should be having her baby while we're there. I hope! Exciting things!
* Yesterday I finally got the pictures hung in Zoe's bedroom. We took them down to paint over 6 months ago. Yeah...
* I've decided that Paige's room needs to be painted too. Funny, my whole house needs to be painted...including my room. Off-white is getting old. But I suppose, as a Mom, I should be used to doing things for my girls first! :) Matt thinks Paige's room should be purple. That sounds fun to me. Need to figure out what I want to do in there.
* Speaking of decorating, I have an itch to get my whole house decorated and done. I just wish I had the time and the money and the design sense to do it!!
* After reading the love story (so far) of Untypically Jia and her husband, Matt, I have decided that I was far too focused on myself, my friends and my world growing up. So I guess that does make me a little bit of the snob people thought I was and I thought I wasn't. Pondering this.
* I just realized that if I have all of this on my mind, it's no wonder I have a hard time focusing and getting things done. The sad thing is, I could go on. Instead I will spare you.
What's bouncing around in your head today?
Five Minute Friday: In Real Life
It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to
participate! (You totally should!)
Today's prompt is: In real life...
Go.
I like to pretend that the perfectionist in my head is the actual person who writes this blog. I would like people to think that I keep my house perfectly and my children behave perfectly all the time and that I never lose my cool. I would like people to think that my remarriage is going swimmingly and that we never have problems. I would like people to think that I'm still as skinny as I was a few months ago. I would like to think this, but I know it's not true. I try to be honest on this blog, so I hope none of you think any of those things.
In real life, I am a perfectionist, but my busy life of working from home, motherhood, marriage and everything else on my plate doesn't allow for perfectionism. That is as it should be. Does it still plague me that my baseboards need to be wiped and my oven needs to be cleaned, of course! But most days I'm happy just to get a shower in.
My children are crazy little monsters, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for anything. They can be sweet and loving and lovable...but they can also be screaming balls of fire and brimstone and I often lose my cool. We do a lot of apologizing in our house.
My marriage is going fine. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we have our past issues added to that and they are hard to overcome sometimes. But we love each other enough to keep working at it everyday, keep going on dates to reconnect, and keep being honest.
I've gained back 2/3 of the weight I lost during my divorce and am almost back to where I was after Paige was born. I'm working on it, but it bothers me so I don't write on it much.
So, as you can see, in real life, though I am ALWAYS working to balance things, and working to be better, my life is just like yours, a little messy. And that's OK. Real life is a little messy.
Stop.
Tell me something real about you and/or your life! (Also, if you have not yet, please click one of those buttons up there and find a way to follow me.) :)
Today's prompt is: In real life...
Go.
I like to pretend that the perfectionist in my head is the actual person who writes this blog. I would like people to think that I keep my house perfectly and my children behave perfectly all the time and that I never lose my cool. I would like people to think that my remarriage is going swimmingly and that we never have problems. I would like people to think that I'm still as skinny as I was a few months ago. I would like to think this, but I know it's not true. I try to be honest on this blog, so I hope none of you think any of those things.In real life, I am a perfectionist, but my busy life of working from home, motherhood, marriage and everything else on my plate doesn't allow for perfectionism. That is as it should be. Does it still plague me that my baseboards need to be wiped and my oven needs to be cleaned, of course! But most days I'm happy just to get a shower in.
My children are crazy little monsters, whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for anything. They can be sweet and loving and lovable...but they can also be screaming balls of fire and brimstone and I often lose my cool. We do a lot of apologizing in our house.
My marriage is going fine. We have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we have our past issues added to that and they are hard to overcome sometimes. But we love each other enough to keep working at it everyday, keep going on dates to reconnect, and keep being honest.
I've gained back 2/3 of the weight I lost during my divorce and am almost back to where I was after Paige was born. I'm working on it, but it bothers me so I don't write on it much.
So, as you can see, in real life, though I am ALWAYS working to balance things, and working to be better, my life is just like yours, a little messy. And that's OK. Real life is a little messy.
Stop.
Tell me something real about you and/or your life! (Also, if you have not yet, please click one of those buttons up there and find a way to follow me.) :)
Five Minute Friday: Rest
I'm very happy to say, and this has nothing to
do with this post, that I have been very good with my workouts this week.
Feeling accomplished.
It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)
Today's prompt is: Rest
Go.
I have a hard time resting. My mind goes a million miles an hour ALL THE
TIME. Ask Matt. A question he often poses to me: "Does your mind EVER turn
off?" My answer is always "no".
Recently, I have started to notice that my kids are exhibiting behaviors that they only display when I'm too busy. I don't like that I am making them feel like I'm too busy to do fun things.
I have a really hard time letting go of the fact that my work is never done. Often I feel that if I could just get one day where I don't have to work or care for my kids I could finally get it all done. But I know that is silly because, in truth, "GETTING IT ALL DONE" is impossible. No matter how much I accomplished in that one day, there would always be more.
What this has all lead me to believe is that, perhaps, I just need to pick the most important things I have on my "To Do" list each day, get them done, and spend the rest of my time playing with my kids. OR, spending a few moments with myself doing some purposeful resting. Letting my mind and body recharge. Shall we say find a balance? Guess I have something to work on.
Stop.
Do you give yourself time to rest? Tell me how! Or how you plan to!
It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to participate! (You totally should!)
Today's prompt is: Rest
Go.
Recently, I have started to notice that my kids are exhibiting behaviors that they only display when I'm too busy. I don't like that I am making them feel like I'm too busy to do fun things.
I have a really hard time letting go of the fact that my work is never done. Often I feel that if I could just get one day where I don't have to work or care for my kids I could finally get it all done. But I know that is silly because, in truth, "GETTING IT ALL DONE" is impossible. No matter how much I accomplished in that one day, there would always be more.
What this has all lead me to believe is that, perhaps, I just need to pick the most important things I have on my "To Do" list each day, get them done, and spend the rest of my time playing with my kids. OR, spending a few moments with myself doing some purposeful resting. Letting my mind and body recharge. Shall we say find a balance? Guess I have something to work on.
Stop.
Do you give yourself time to rest? Tell me how! Or how you plan to!
Five Minute Friday: Older
It's time for Five Minute Friday! Click over to The Gypsy Mama for instructions if you would like to
participate! (You totally should!)
Today's prompt is: Older
Go.
As I hit the latter part of my twenties I am starting to feel the
effects of getting older. Starting to notice that I have a little more trouble
losing weight than I used to. Starting to notice fine lines and wrinkles around
my eyes. Finding a white hair.
I do fear getting older physically. I have a lot of worries about how my body will carry me through the years. Will I get diabetes since I am at risk from having gestational diabetes? Will I have issues with memory in my late age? Will I be able to run and play with my children and their children? Will my joints or my insides cause me issues?
However, the older I get the more I notice my excitement for growth. My age carries with it a lot more wisdom than my younger self. I have been through a lot of things. My young adult years, my marriage, infertility, parenthood, divorce, remarriage. I have gained so much from all those different times.
I feel like an experienced mother. People come to me for parenting advice sometimes! As a young woman I thought kids were annoying and had trouble imagining myself as a Mother. Now I would never trade my two little gifts for anything.
I have learned a lot about me. What I love and hate about myself. What I can change and can't change.
I think the greatest thing about getting older is looking forward to everything I have to learn, everything I have to gain, and all the joys, and yes even the trials that I have to overcome. I have learned that I can handle no matter what comes my way. I know that God will not put anything in my path that he doesn't think I am capable of. I know I will spend this life looking for ways to be a better person, a better Mother, a better wife, a better friend and especially finding ways to become closer to God.
So, even with all the fears I have of the physical part of getting older, I know I am here to learn. And that is what I intend to do.
Stop.
Today's prompt is: Older
Go.
I do fear getting older physically. I have a lot of worries about how my body will carry me through the years. Will I get diabetes since I am at risk from having gestational diabetes? Will I have issues with memory in my late age? Will I be able to run and play with my children and their children? Will my joints or my insides cause me issues?
However, the older I get the more I notice my excitement for growth. My age carries with it a lot more wisdom than my younger self. I have been through a lot of things. My young adult years, my marriage, infertility, parenthood, divorce, remarriage. I have gained so much from all those different times.
I feel like an experienced mother. People come to me for parenting advice sometimes! As a young woman I thought kids were annoying and had trouble imagining myself as a Mother. Now I would never trade my two little gifts for anything.
I have learned a lot about me. What I love and hate about myself. What I can change and can't change.
I think the greatest thing about getting older is looking forward to everything I have to learn, everything I have to gain, and all the joys, and yes even the trials that I have to overcome. I have learned that I can handle no matter what comes my way. I know that God will not put anything in my path that he doesn't think I am capable of. I know I will spend this life looking for ways to be a better person, a better Mother, a better wife, a better friend and especially finding ways to become closer to God.
So, even with all the fears I have of the physical part of getting older, I know I am here to learn. And that is what I intend to do.
Stop.
Shutdown
I have this tendency. Being a perfectionist my whole life, I have always
been a little embarrassed of this tendency. Yet here I am admitting it on the
internet hoping it will cleanse me a bit.
When I get overwhelmed I shut down. Completely.
Right now my house in in shambles, I haven't blogged in weeks, I'm a bit behind on my work, I have a "to do" list a mile long, I have calls to make, a car to have repaired (another story for another day) and a million other things I can't even remember right now.
It's overwhelming.
And I haven't even begun to tackle any of it.
I don't know if my brain just doesn't know how to process that much to do. To break it down. To prioritize. Or if I just have this lazy streak in me that comes out when I've had enough of the endless "trying to stay on top of things" mindset I usually run on.
I had to take another trip to New Mexico (yet another story), which I am so grateful I got to take. However, all the time away from home allowed me to get used to living without a massive list of things to do. And that little part of it was nice.
Meanwhile, that list kept growing in my absence and I returned unsure of where to even start!
Add to that our attempt to give Zoe some clear rules and responsibility and a teething baby. This week I just gave up.
The problem with a perfectionist mentality and shutdown mode coexisting is that I get a huge pile of anxiety to add to my already overwhelmed mind. And it shows. I don't sleep well, tossing and turning, I can't shut my mind off, I beat myself up over not getting anything done, I feel embarrassed when people see the results of shutdown mode, which gives me more anxiety.
Then I just feel awful.
Luckily, the anxiety usually wins out and I decide to do something about the mess I've tried to ignore. I guess I've started with blogging. Not the best priority to pick, maybe, but I do feel better getting all this off my chest. Next is the mountain of laundry I'm going to fold and then the kitchen I need to tackle and then that pesky "to do" list will start to get checked off and all will be right in the world again.
Until I get overwhelmed again...and shutdown again...and the cycle continues. Sigh.
Anyone else have this issue?
When I get overwhelmed I shut down. Completely.
Right now my house in in shambles, I haven't blogged in weeks, I'm a bit behind on my work, I have a "to do" list a mile long, I have calls to make, a car to have repaired (another story for another day) and a million other things I can't even remember right now.
It's overwhelming.
And I haven't even begun to tackle any of it.
I don't know if my brain just doesn't know how to process that much to do. To break it down. To prioritize. Or if I just have this lazy streak in me that comes out when I've had enough of the endless "trying to stay on top of things" mindset I usually run on.
I had to take another trip to New Mexico (yet another story), which I am so grateful I got to take. However, all the time away from home allowed me to get used to living without a massive list of things to do. And that little part of it was nice.
Meanwhile, that list kept growing in my absence and I returned unsure of where to even start!
Add to that our attempt to give Zoe some clear rules and responsibility and a teething baby. This week I just gave up.
The problem with a perfectionist mentality and shutdown mode coexisting is that I get a huge pile of anxiety to add to my already overwhelmed mind. And it shows. I don't sleep well, tossing and turning, I can't shut my mind off, I beat myself up over not getting anything done, I feel embarrassed when people see the results of shutdown mode, which gives me more anxiety.
Then I just feel awful.
Luckily, the anxiety usually wins out and I decide to do something about the mess I've tried to ignore. I guess I've started with blogging. Not the best priority to pick, maybe, but I do feel better getting all this off my chest. Next is the mountain of laundry I'm going to fold and then the kitchen I need to tackle and then that pesky "to do" list will start to get checked off and all will be right in the world again.
Until I get overwhelmed again...and shutdown again...and the cycle continues. Sigh.
Anyone else have this issue?
A Miracle
I witnessed a miracle today. A gorgeous, 12.8 inch, 1 pound 14 ounce
miracle. Her name is Isabella and she is my newest niece- and the very first
for me on my side of the family. As I sat by her side and gently stroked her
tiny feet, it was love at first sight.
She looks just like her Mom, my youngest sister, Kristin, who says she has her Dad's lips. As I sat and watched her tiny chest rise and fall I noticed her clenched fist looked an awful lot like mine. I smiled inwardly at this and laughed a while later when my Mom echoed that thought aloud. Only fitting, since my firstborn looked just like her Aunt Kristin at birth.
Speaking of Kristin, I am so proud of her. After all she's faced in the last two days she was calm and self assured when I finally got to see her. Already doing what Mommies do best: taking care of her little girl any way she can. Amazing how in one day, the little sister who I always had trouble accepting was old enough to be married, became a Mom. And, though she has been for a while, a woman in the eyes of an older sister who didn't want to believe she grew up. So much wisdom and bravery in her eyes.
And who could ask for a better Dad than Cameron? My Brother-in-law is a rock upon rocks. He is brave and strong and always keeps a clear head. Always there to support the people he loves. Someone you can count on. As he took me back to see her, I listened to him talking. It takes literally seconds to become a Father. Any man can be a Father. Cameron is a Dad.
Imagine finding out you're going to be a parent three months early! They have both stepped up to that role and I am so in awe of them. Isabella couldn't have come to better parents.
There has been miracle upon miracle in her life so far. She is a strong and special little girl. I can't wait to see what she does with this life of hers. I can't wait to see what she has to teach us. For now, she just needs to rest and grow.
I don't want to share too many details here. I don't want to take that privilege from her parents. I will say that your thoughts and prayers thus far seem to be working...and continue to ask for more.
I love you little Bella!
She looks just like her Mom, my youngest sister, Kristin, who says she has her Dad's lips. As I sat and watched her tiny chest rise and fall I noticed her clenched fist looked an awful lot like mine. I smiled inwardly at this and laughed a while later when my Mom echoed that thought aloud. Only fitting, since my firstborn looked just like her Aunt Kristin at birth.
Speaking of Kristin, I am so proud of her. After all she's faced in the last two days she was calm and self assured when I finally got to see her. Already doing what Mommies do best: taking care of her little girl any way she can. Amazing how in one day, the little sister who I always had trouble accepting was old enough to be married, became a Mom. And, though she has been for a while, a woman in the eyes of an older sister who didn't want to believe she grew up. So much wisdom and bravery in her eyes.
And who could ask for a better Dad than Cameron? My Brother-in-law is a rock upon rocks. He is brave and strong and always keeps a clear head. Always there to support the people he loves. Someone you can count on. As he took me back to see her, I listened to him talking. It takes literally seconds to become a Father. Any man can be a Father. Cameron is a Dad.
Imagine finding out you're going to be a parent three months early! They have both stepped up to that role and I am so in awe of them. Isabella couldn't have come to better parents.
There has been miracle upon miracle in her life so far. She is a strong and special little girl. I can't wait to see what she does with this life of hers. I can't wait to see what she has to teach us. For now, she just needs to rest and grow.
I don't want to share too many details here. I don't want to take that privilege from her parents. I will say that your thoughts and prayers thus far seem to be working...and continue to ask for more.
I love you little Bella!
Three Years
Dear Zoe,
Right now you are sleeping and I'm enjoying the stillness of the house. When you're awake, you are a bubbly, loud, high-pitched ball of fun...most of the time. I enjoy that part too. You have just entered your third year of life. Year two was a very big year for you.
Shortly after you turned two you became a big sister. You had a really hard time adjusting to sharing attention. Especially at the beginning when Paige needed so much of mine. It was an adjustment for me too. I missed being able to play with you almost any time you wanted. Getting just the two of us ready and out of the house. Going on walks together to the park or the library. Being able to just focus on you.
Paige came and all of that changed. Not because I love her more, just because adding someone else to the family is both difficult and wonderful. Also, babies are hard. They are cute and snugly and you love them and kiss their cheeks, but they don't let you sleep and they cry and want to eat all the time. I think we're finally starting to get the hang of it. Mom is learning how to divide her time between the two of you. And you are starting to play with your sister a bit more.
Curiously, you have a difficult time being "gentle" with her. I'm certain you just want to play with her, but it's hard for Mom to get you to understand that she's little. You're getting better though. You are sweet. You are constantly watching out for her and letting us know if she needs something or is doing something dangerous. You love her so much. Every morning you come in and ask me, "Can we go get Paige?"
For a long time you would run into her room and shout, "Hip-pottomas!" Paige would grin and you would giggle. Now you just yell, "Good Morning!" You often share with her (though sometimes you don't) and you are my little helper. Always getting her toys to play with and even trying to feed her. Your favorite thing to do for Paige is make her laugh.
A couple months later, Dad moved out for a while and we ended up getting divorced and you learned to split households. This was hard on you. You asked Mom a lot of questions I didn't have answers for. You cried and were upset easily. You started coming into my room at night. You couldn't understand why Daddy wasn't home anymore.
You're too little to understand what happened. And part of you is still trying to feel secure now that things have mended. Still, I'm so proud of you for how your young self handled this. I get teary-eyed thinking of times I cried and you would come hand me bunny to make me feel better. You were so worried about me and I tried to put on a brave face for you, but failed so many times.
All you need to know for now is that Mom and Dad forgot how to love and trust each other. We forgot to be kind and forgiving. Now we know how grateful we are for each other. When you are older we will have a lot to teach you about love and commitment. For now, we promise we will be a forever family just like it was supposed to be.
This year you really came out of your shell. Where you were shy around most people before, you are now open and talkative. You wave and smile easily. You will talk to anyone who will listen. You love to sing and will sing anything from Twinkle to Michael Jackson to Adele. Music moves you. You enjoy dancing to a good beat and playing the piano.
You want to do everything "by myself, Mom". You are interested in the things I do and always want to help me cook or clean. You are becoming more and more independent every day. Sometimes I miss you needing me more. Occasionally you will still ask me to do things for you that I know you can do on your own. Or ask me to carry you. I'm grateful for these moments you give me to "baby" you. I know they will not go on for much longer.
You are beautiful and smart. You still love to read and you love to tell your own little stories. Often they start with, "When I was a Mommy" or "When I was 15" or "When I was a dog". I love to listen to your imagination being put to words. Or when you "read" and talk about what you picked up from books...or read them all the way through from memory. Your vocabulary amazes me. Often, people are surprised you are so young because you converse so well.
Sometimes, because of this, Mom forgets you are still young and tries to treat you like an adult. You put me in my place fairly quickly. We have a lot of "battles" thoughout the day. Your emotions are so big for such a little girl. We are working on putting names to how you're feeling and finding better ways to deal with them. Mom is working on holding her temper back.
See, even Moms and Dads make mistakes. We try hard to recognize them, apologize and correct them. I hope this teaches you that it's ok to make mistakes sometimes. As long as you learn from them and do what you can to fix any damage you caused.
Potty training was a good lesson in this. When you're a Mom, you will understand why Mom lost her temper a few times during this part of year two. Potty training is frustrating. For everyone. But you pulled through and Mom learned to keep her cool and now you are officially potty trained! Even at night. Mom and Dad are SO proud of you for learning this important skill!
You talked about your birthday for months before it ever happened. You are obsessed with Pink and wanted Grandma to make you a pink cake. And you never let her forget it. You were certain from the day I asked, and every time I checked after that, that you wanted Barbies, books, clothes and a fish that you wanted to name "Fish Food." (You got them.)
You LOVED your birthday this year. I loved seeing your face light up over your presents and all the people who came to celebrate with you. You are certain you are a princess and I'm inclined to agree. Princesses are all the rage in our house now.
Other things you love and have discovered this year are Elmo (still), Dora (ugh), everything princesses, sidewalk chalk, pedaling your bike, hopping, jumping, skipping, Tangled (the first Disney movie you fell in love with), picking out clothes and dressing yourself, going to the dentist (you keep asking to go back), pulling weeds (playing in the dirt), dress-up, your play-kitchen, barbies, books, music and your friends.
It's often hard for me to watch you grow up. I frequently ask you if you could stay little forever. Always the sweet one, you tell me "yes". I know that I can't keep you here forever though. So I write these letters to you to tell you how much I love you and to remember the moments when you were small and adorable (most of the time). Maybe someday you will read them and understand the blessing you are in my life. I hope you always know how much I LOVE to be your Mom. It is the best job ever!
Love,
Mama
Right now you are sleeping and I'm enjoying the stillness of the house. When you're awake, you are a bubbly, loud, high-pitched ball of fun...most of the time. I enjoy that part too. You have just entered your third year of life. Year two was a very big year for you.
Shortly after you turned two you became a big sister. You had a really hard time adjusting to sharing attention. Especially at the beginning when Paige needed so much of mine. It was an adjustment for me too. I missed being able to play with you almost any time you wanted. Getting just the two of us ready and out of the house. Going on walks together to the park or the library. Being able to just focus on you.
Paige came and all of that changed. Not because I love her more, just because adding someone else to the family is both difficult and wonderful. Also, babies are hard. They are cute and snugly and you love them and kiss their cheeks, but they don't let you sleep and they cry and want to eat all the time. I think we're finally starting to get the hang of it. Mom is learning how to divide her time between the two of you. And you are starting to play with your sister a bit more.
Curiously, you have a difficult time being "gentle" with her. I'm certain you just want to play with her, but it's hard for Mom to get you to understand that she's little. You're getting better though. You are sweet. You are constantly watching out for her and letting us know if she needs something or is doing something dangerous. You love her so much. Every morning you come in and ask me, "Can we go get Paige?"
For a long time you would run into her room and shout, "Hip-pottomas!" Paige would grin and you would giggle. Now you just yell, "Good Morning!" You often share with her (though sometimes you don't) and you are my little helper. Always getting her toys to play with and even trying to feed her. Your favorite thing to do for Paige is make her laugh.
A couple months later, Dad moved out for a while and we ended up getting divorced and you learned to split households. This was hard on you. You asked Mom a lot of questions I didn't have answers for. You cried and were upset easily. You started coming into my room at night. You couldn't understand why Daddy wasn't home anymore.
You're too little to understand what happened. And part of you is still trying to feel secure now that things have mended. Still, I'm so proud of you for how your young self handled this. I get teary-eyed thinking of times I cried and you would come hand me bunny to make me feel better. You were so worried about me and I tried to put on a brave face for you, but failed so many times.
All you need to know for now is that Mom and Dad forgot how to love and trust each other. We forgot to be kind and forgiving. Now we know how grateful we are for each other. When you are older we will have a lot to teach you about love and commitment. For now, we promise we will be a forever family just like it was supposed to be.
This year you really came out of your shell. Where you were shy around most people before, you are now open and talkative. You wave and smile easily. You will talk to anyone who will listen. You love to sing and will sing anything from Twinkle to Michael Jackson to Adele. Music moves you. You enjoy dancing to a good beat and playing the piano.
You want to do everything "by myself, Mom". You are interested in the things I do and always want to help me cook or clean. You are becoming more and more independent every day. Sometimes I miss you needing me more. Occasionally you will still ask me to do things for you that I know you can do on your own. Or ask me to carry you. I'm grateful for these moments you give me to "baby" you. I know they will not go on for much longer.
You are beautiful and smart. You still love to read and you love to tell your own little stories. Often they start with, "When I was a Mommy" or "When I was 15" or "When I was a dog". I love to listen to your imagination being put to words. Or when you "read" and talk about what you picked up from books...or read them all the way through from memory. Your vocabulary amazes me. Often, people are surprised you are so young because you converse so well.
Sometimes, because of this, Mom forgets you are still young and tries to treat you like an adult. You put me in my place fairly quickly. We have a lot of "battles" thoughout the day. Your emotions are so big for such a little girl. We are working on putting names to how you're feeling and finding better ways to deal with them. Mom is working on holding her temper back.
See, even Moms and Dads make mistakes. We try hard to recognize them, apologize and correct them. I hope this teaches you that it's ok to make mistakes sometimes. As long as you learn from them and do what you can to fix any damage you caused.
Potty training was a good lesson in this. When you're a Mom, you will understand why Mom lost her temper a few times during this part of year two. Potty training is frustrating. For everyone. But you pulled through and Mom learned to keep her cool and now you are officially potty trained! Even at night. Mom and Dad are SO proud of you for learning this important skill!
You talked about your birthday for months before it ever happened. You are obsessed with Pink and wanted Grandma to make you a pink cake. And you never let her forget it. You were certain from the day I asked, and every time I checked after that, that you wanted Barbies, books, clothes and a fish that you wanted to name "Fish Food." (You got them.)
You LOVED your birthday this year. I loved seeing your face light up over your presents and all the people who came to celebrate with you. You are certain you are a princess and I'm inclined to agree. Princesses are all the rage in our house now.
Other things you love and have discovered this year are Elmo (still), Dora (ugh), everything princesses, sidewalk chalk, pedaling your bike, hopping, jumping, skipping, Tangled (the first Disney movie you fell in love with), picking out clothes and dressing yourself, going to the dentist (you keep asking to go back), pulling weeds (playing in the dirt), dress-up, your play-kitchen, barbies, books, music and your friends.
It's often hard for me to watch you grow up. I frequently ask you if you could stay little forever. Always the sweet one, you tell me "yes". I know that I can't keep you here forever though. So I write these letters to you to tell you how much I love you and to remember the moments when you were small and adorable (most of the time). Maybe someday you will read them and understand the blessing you are in my life. I hope you always know how much I LOVE to be your Mom. It is the best job ever!
Love,
Mama
What Divorce Taught Me About Marriage
As I have hinted here in a few posts, Matt and I went through a very rough time during the second half of last year. Our marriage disintegrated before my eyes, completely out of the blue, he left, and eventually we were divorced. A couple months later we decided to work things out and got remarried. At some point I will write what I can about those few months, but today I want to talk about part of the reason that we traveled that road.
Make Loving You Easier
For nearly seven years we lived comfortably in the cocoon of this thought: "He/she will love me no matter what." This is not an uncommon thought to have in marriage. Certainly, we should feel that way about our spouses. The danger comes in being COMFORTABLE in that thought. Feeling comfortable led us to believe we could treat each other however we wanted and know they would always be there. It led us to take each other for granted.
Marriage takes work. Working on showing each other love and appreciation does not stop the day you say "I Do". This is not to say that we never showed appreciation for each other, but we certainly didn't make a daily effort of it.
Since being remarried, we have been working together on our bodies and appearance for ourselves and for each other. We send "I love you, gorgeous!" texts, leave little notes of love and appreciation, provide acts of service, and lots of other little acts of appreciation.
Most importantly, we discuss our issues and work them out together. Does your spouse know how much you love them, what you appreciate about them, and how beautiful they are to you? If you didn't tell them that today, stop what you're doing right now and find a way to let them know. We'll wait....
...
Ready? Ok, let's move on.
Don't Avoid Conflict
Matt and I don't like to fight. Rarely will you find us in a screaming match. I always thought this was because we had a good marriage and got along so well. It turns out that we were just keeping our thoughts/frustrations from each other to avoid conflict. Sounds great, right? No fighting?
Unfortunately, those thoughts and frustrations have to come out somewhere. For us they came out to friends or family, they became silent resentments, or they festered until we did have a big fight and exploded that way. I always thought this was normal and healthy. It is not.
Your spouse should be the person you go to with your frustrations. Not a friend, parent, sibling, or anyone else. If you can't resolve it together, try counseling. A middle party may be able to help you see things more clearly.
Since reuniting we have worked hard on how to handle conflict in our marriage. For us, as in many other marriages, one of us pursues the issues and the other withdraws from them.
Pursuers tend to want to discuss the issue as soon as it comes up, they can be very pushy, they want to have one conversation, resolve it, and get over it. Their fear is having the withdrawer want to talk about it later and then it never comes up again or gets resolved.
Withdrawers need breaks, they need time to think, prepare and cool down. They feel conversations are one-sided because the pursuer is so pushy and they are so hesitant. They fear conflict escalating, they don't want discussions to become fights so they try not to discuss anything.
We have to learn how to balance those personalities. The pursuer has to respect that the withdrawer might not want to discuss it "right now", that they might need to take a break and come back to the subject later.
The withdrawer has to respect that the pursuer needs to have the conflict resolved and, if they need a break, they have to say when the subject can be discussed again and are responsible for bringing it up.
The pursuer has to learn to trust the withdrawer to follow through and the withdrawer has to trust that the pursuer won't bring it up again before that time.
This is NOT an easy thing to do. We also have to do our best to be our best selves, remain calm, try not to get defensive and really work at listening to and understanding each others points of view BEFORE we attempt to resolve the conflict or issue.
When we are successful at all of these things, conflict actually brings us closer. We can trust each other to respect our differing opinions/personalities and are willing to bring up our deepest thoughts, fears, dreams, worries, etc.
You Are Not Perfect
It is easy to get trapped in the thought that your way is the right way. We all grew up in different households, cultures, family dynamics and day to day lives. Anyone who thinks they can enter a marriage and not have to change at least the little things is delusional. Marriage is about give and take. This is something I struggle with.
I am a perfectionist. Until recently, I thought this meant that I would always be a perfectionist. I have learned that, while my mind may always think this way, I can choose to be different. For example, I can let Matt clean the bathroom and not get frustrated that the faucet isn't perfectly polished.
It is not easy to choose to be different than you think you should be. There are some things that you should never compromise about yourself, but there are a lot of small things that you can change to make things run more smoothly in your marriage.
What small changes can you make to improve the harmony in your home?
If You Don't Grow Together, You Will Grow Apart
When Zoe was born and I went back to work we found it difficult to get out alone together. We had family watching her for work and didn't want to ask them to keep her so we could go on dates. We had never paid a babysitter, the thought never really crossed our minds. So, we would go out to eat a lot and bring Zoe along.
Our first Valentine's Day as parents we went out to eat and Zoe came with us. While the family time was great, we weren't investing time in continuing to get to know each other and have fun with each other as people instead of as parents. I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of times we went out alone from the time Zoe was born until our marriage ended. In general, we weren't prioritizing each other.
While we were busy NOT spending quality time together, we would spend time with friends doing what we like to do. Or we would do them alone. When you are spending quality time together, this is a healthy thing to do. When you are not spending quality time together, it can rip you apart. When you have more fun with your friends or by yourself than you do with your spouse something is wrong.
Make it a point to spend quality time together at least 2-3 times a month, if not weekly. You don't have to go out, spend money, or even do a lot of planning to spend quality time. A date can be as simple as some snacks and a board game, popcorn and a rented movie, or sitting and talking on the porch.
We trade off planning the date and getting babysitters. We also make it a point to either try things that are completely new to both of us, or try things that the other person likes to do. Matt and I are complete opposites in a lot of ways, but we feel that gives us a lot of opportunity to grow. For instance, I am learning to play golf and he will go to music performances with me.
It is important to work on the things you love, to grow as a person, but try to spend some of that time growing with your partner and you will be amazed at how close you can become. The best way to learn about your spouse, to have good conversations, and to grow as a couple is to spend time together doing things you love.
Be willing to make sacrifices and try something you may not love to show your spouse that you care about them and what they love. Who knows? You may find that you actually do enjoy things they like.
I could go on about all that I have learned from my experiences this past year. Really, it all boils down to this: Love and appreciate your spouse unconditionally and show it, care about each other enough to resolve conflict together, compromise, and make time for each other.
If you find you have any of these problems in your marriage, it is never too late to work on them. Matt and I did it after all the hurt and pain of a divorce. Make these changes now. Don't wait. You chose this person once, choose them every day. Love the one you're with.
Please, if you have a few minutes, share this with everyone you know. I never want to see anyone suffer what I went through if they don't have to. Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes divorce is necessary. In many cases, though, it's simply a case of losing the spark because of a lot of these pitfalls. I am no expert. I still have a lot to work on myself, but I wanted to share what I have learned in hopes that I can help others to have happier marriages. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post so please leave a comment. Thanks everyone!
Make Loving You Easier
For nearly seven years we lived comfortably in the cocoon of this thought: "He/she will love me no matter what." This is not an uncommon thought to have in marriage. Certainly, we should feel that way about our spouses. The danger comes in being COMFORTABLE in that thought. Feeling comfortable led us to believe we could treat each other however we wanted and know they would always be there. It led us to take each other for granted.
Marriage takes work. Working on showing each other love and appreciation does not stop the day you say "I Do". This is not to say that we never showed appreciation for each other, but we certainly didn't make a daily effort of it.
Most importantly, we discuss our issues and work them out together. Does your spouse know how much you love them, what you appreciate about them, and how beautiful they are to you? If you didn't tell them that today, stop what you're doing right now and find a way to let them know. We'll wait....
...
Ready? Ok, let's move on.
Don't Avoid Conflict
Matt and I don't like to fight. Rarely will you find us in a screaming match. I always thought this was because we had a good marriage and got along so well. It turns out that we were just keeping our thoughts/frustrations from each other to avoid conflict. Sounds great, right? No fighting?
Unfortunately, those thoughts and frustrations have to come out somewhere. For us they came out to friends or family, they became silent resentments, or they festered until we did have a big fight and exploded that way. I always thought this was normal and healthy. It is not.
Your spouse should be the person you go to with your frustrations. Not a friend, parent, sibling, or anyone else. If you can't resolve it together, try counseling. A middle party may be able to help you see things more clearly.
Since reuniting we have worked hard on how to handle conflict in our marriage. For us, as in many other marriages, one of us pursues the issues and the other withdraws from them.
Pursuers tend to want to discuss the issue as soon as it comes up, they can be very pushy, they want to have one conversation, resolve it, and get over it. Their fear is having the withdrawer want to talk about it later and then it never comes up again or gets resolved.
Withdrawers need breaks, they need time to think, prepare and cool down. They feel conversations are one-sided because the pursuer is so pushy and they are so hesitant. They fear conflict escalating, they don't want discussions to become fights so they try not to discuss anything.
We have to learn how to balance those personalities. The pursuer has to respect that the withdrawer might not want to discuss it "right now", that they might need to take a break and come back to the subject later.
The withdrawer has to respect that the pursuer needs to have the conflict resolved and, if they need a break, they have to say when the subject can be discussed again and are responsible for bringing it up.
The pursuer has to learn to trust the withdrawer to follow through and the withdrawer has to trust that the pursuer won't bring it up again before that time.
This is NOT an easy thing to do. We also have to do our best to be our best selves, remain calm, try not to get defensive and really work at listening to and understanding each others points of view BEFORE we attempt to resolve the conflict or issue.
When we are successful at all of these things, conflict actually brings us closer. We can trust each other to respect our differing opinions/personalities and are willing to bring up our deepest thoughts, fears, dreams, worries, etc.
You Are Not Perfect
It is easy to get trapped in the thought that your way is the right way. We all grew up in different households, cultures, family dynamics and day to day lives. Anyone who thinks they can enter a marriage and not have to change at least the little things is delusional. Marriage is about give and take. This is something I struggle with.
I am a perfectionist. Until recently, I thought this meant that I would always be a perfectionist. I have learned that, while my mind may always think this way, I can choose to be different. For example, I can let Matt clean the bathroom and not get frustrated that the faucet isn't perfectly polished.
It is not easy to choose to be different than you think you should be. There are some things that you should never compromise about yourself, but there are a lot of small things that you can change to make things run more smoothly in your marriage.
What small changes can you make to improve the harmony in your home?
If You Don't Grow Together, You Will Grow Apart
When Zoe was born and I went back to work we found it difficult to get out alone together. We had family watching her for work and didn't want to ask them to keep her so we could go on dates. We had never paid a babysitter, the thought never really crossed our minds. So, we would go out to eat a lot and bring Zoe along.
Our first Valentine's Day as parents we went out to eat and Zoe came with us. While the family time was great, we weren't investing time in continuing to get to know each other and have fun with each other as people instead of as parents. I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of times we went out alone from the time Zoe was born until our marriage ended. In general, we weren't prioritizing each other.
While we were busy NOT spending quality time together, we would spend time with friends doing what we like to do. Or we would do them alone. When you are spending quality time together, this is a healthy thing to do. When you are not spending quality time together, it can rip you apart. When you have more fun with your friends or by yourself than you do with your spouse something is wrong.
We trade off planning the date and getting babysitters. We also make it a point to either try things that are completely new to both of us, or try things that the other person likes to do. Matt and I are complete opposites in a lot of ways, but we feel that gives us a lot of opportunity to grow. For instance, I am learning to play golf and he will go to music performances with me.
It is important to work on the things you love, to grow as a person, but try to spend some of that time growing with your partner and you will be amazed at how close you can become. The best way to learn about your spouse, to have good conversations, and to grow as a couple is to spend time together doing things you love.
Be willing to make sacrifices and try something you may not love to show your spouse that you care about them and what they love. Who knows? You may find that you actually do enjoy things they like.
If you find you have any of these problems in your marriage, it is never too late to work on them. Matt and I did it after all the hurt and pain of a divorce. Make these changes now. Don't wait. You chose this person once, choose them every day. Love the one you're with.
Please, if you have a few minutes, share this with everyone you know. I never want to see anyone suffer what I went through if they don't have to. Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes divorce is necessary. In many cases, though, it's simply a case of losing the spark because of a lot of these pitfalls. I am no expert. I still have a lot to work on myself, but I wanted to share what I have learned in hopes that I can help others to have happier marriages. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post so please leave a comment. Thanks everyone!
Sunshine
I'm sitting here in my room listening to the dishwasher running downstairs,
the breeze and the sounds of cars passing coming through my open window, and the
sweet singing of my little princess- who is supposed to be sleeping- coming from
the other room. I've spent the last few days outside as much as possible,
trying to soak up as much warmth and sunshine as I possibly can. As I sit here,
I'm thinking some of that sunshine has seeped right into my soul. (Some of you
will understand that reference.) Tonight, I'm feeling incredibly blessed.
There are a lot of things going on in my life that are hard. Frustrations with money, pregnancy pains, how to manage my time, worries about the future...the list goes on. These things are always floating through my mind. There are people in my life that have much bigger worries than me, yet I can't help feeling weighed down by my own burdens. Too often I find myself just trying to get through until some future event. My days are passing me by. With that passage of time I am getting closer to meeting this new little angel who is presently kicking around in my belly. With that passage of time Zoe gets closer and closer to being two.
The past few days I have lowered my expectations of what a clean house is, I've left things for another day, I've turned off the television and gone outside. We have taken walks, blown bubbles, spent time with friends, gone to the park, watered the plants, collected rocks, been sunburned, and just sat on the porch enjoying the weather. This freedom has allowed my mind to put away the worries and live a little more in the moment. Tonight I let Zoe sing me two songs before bed after I had already sang her three. We read a few more books than we normally do. She hugged me five times on each side before she would let me put her down. I wasn't rushing to get downstairs and watch whatever was on. I wasn't in a hurry to get her to bed even though it was past bedtime. I just let the bedtime routine play on as it wanted and tried to soak up each sweet moment that I had with my first born. It was magical.
Love works so hard all day every day. Most of the time he comes home, we eat dinner, and we veg on the couch until bedtime. Lately, though, he's been coming home, changing and coming outside to play basketball with Zoe and the neighbor kids. Or sitting on the porch and talking to me or to our friends. He's busier when warm weather comes going to softball games, golfing, or basketball on Saturday mornings. Still he finds time to do the dishes and take out the trash to help me out just a little.
I've started yoga (again) and made sure to do something active everyday. I feel like this has let me ease up, enjoy life as it is now, and make smarter choices with what I put in my body- most of the time. Being more active seems to help me to be stronger, but it also adds to my pregnancy pains and that is hard, but I feel like it will be better for me (and for Paige) during delivery and as I recover. I make it a point to read (even if it's not much) every day and have been enjoying having a bit of "me" time. I feel successful in my work and that is a great blessing after many slow months.
In general, I feel happy. No matter the difficulties we face and the challenges that lie ahead for us, I know that somehow we'll be OK. I know everything will work out. I need to remember that life isn't about a perfectly clean house. Maybe it's about tiny hands collecting rocks and playing in the dirt. Maybe it's about relaxing and enjoying the movements of my second child. Perhaps it's about spending quality time with the love of my life. Or having daily porch conversations with friends. Something about the cold weather makes me forget all these things. I'm so grateful for the sunshine up above and all the little rays of sunshine in my life that fill me up and make me whole. I thank my Heavenly Father, publicly, at this moment for the blessing that is my life.
There are a lot of things going on in my life that are hard. Frustrations with money, pregnancy pains, how to manage my time, worries about the future...the list goes on. These things are always floating through my mind. There are people in my life that have much bigger worries than me, yet I can't help feeling weighed down by my own burdens. Too often I find myself just trying to get through until some future event. My days are passing me by. With that passage of time I am getting closer to meeting this new little angel who is presently kicking around in my belly. With that passage of time Zoe gets closer and closer to being two.
The past few days I have lowered my expectations of what a clean house is, I've left things for another day, I've turned off the television and gone outside. We have taken walks, blown bubbles, spent time with friends, gone to the park, watered the plants, collected rocks, been sunburned, and just sat on the porch enjoying the weather. This freedom has allowed my mind to put away the worries and live a little more in the moment. Tonight I let Zoe sing me two songs before bed after I had already sang her three. We read a few more books than we normally do. She hugged me five times on each side before she would let me put her down. I wasn't rushing to get downstairs and watch whatever was on. I wasn't in a hurry to get her to bed even though it was past bedtime. I just let the bedtime routine play on as it wanted and tried to soak up each sweet moment that I had with my first born. It was magical.
Love works so hard all day every day. Most of the time he comes home, we eat dinner, and we veg on the couch until bedtime. Lately, though, he's been coming home, changing and coming outside to play basketball with Zoe and the neighbor kids. Or sitting on the porch and talking to me or to our friends. He's busier when warm weather comes going to softball games, golfing, or basketball on Saturday mornings. Still he finds time to do the dishes and take out the trash to help me out just a little.
I've started yoga (again) and made sure to do something active everyday. I feel like this has let me ease up, enjoy life as it is now, and make smarter choices with what I put in my body- most of the time. Being more active seems to help me to be stronger, but it also adds to my pregnancy pains and that is hard, but I feel like it will be better for me (and for Paige) during delivery and as I recover. I make it a point to read (even if it's not much) every day and have been enjoying having a bit of "me" time. I feel successful in my work and that is a great blessing after many slow months.
In general, I feel happy. No matter the difficulties we face and the challenges that lie ahead for us, I know that somehow we'll be OK. I know everything will work out. I need to remember that life isn't about a perfectly clean house. Maybe it's about tiny hands collecting rocks and playing in the dirt. Maybe it's about relaxing and enjoying the movements of my second child. Perhaps it's about spending quality time with the love of my life. Or having daily porch conversations with friends. Something about the cold weather makes me forget all these things. I'm so grateful for the sunshine up above and all the little rays of sunshine in my life that fill me up and make me whole. I thank my Heavenly Father, publicly, at this moment for the blessing that is my life.
Warm Weather
Something about sunshine and warm weather makes me care less about cleaning
or playing on the computer and care more about playing and soaking up the
warmth! This is what we've been up to since I last posted:
Zoe's learning to dress (and, unfortunately, undress) herself
We had a little egg coloring party at our house the day before Easter
Zoe thought blue fingers might be fun
Zoe's reaction to seeing her Easter basket
Easter spoils
Success with pigtails!
Zoe LOVES to collect rocks
We've been to the park a few times
Zoe loves to swing. She says, "Again?", over and over and when we leave she can't stop telling me how much fun she had. She also really likes the slide.
Park Princess
Zoe likes to prop frog up to sit with her when she plays the piano
As you can see, we've had a fun couple of weeks so I hope you'll forgive my absence. Also, while I was away, we chose to name baby number two: Paige Alexis. I'm glad to finally have a name for her! So far the pregnancy seems to be going fine, though the warm weather has brought on a bit of early swelling and I'm starting to really "feel" pregnant, which makes getting through the day a bit more difficult but still manageable. Paige is definitely stretching and kicking her legs as much as she can. I'm now 23 weeks and 1 day into this pregnancy- it seems to be going so much faster this time around. Zoe is starting to grasp that there is a baby in there...at least I think so. She likes to kiss my tummy and she's felt Paige kick a couple times. I'm not sure that she knows what it actually was, but she was sure wide-eyed when she felt the movement. I'm enjoying all these sweet moments.
Zoe's learning to dress (and, unfortunately, undress) herself
We had a little egg coloring party at our house the day before Easter
Zoe thought blue fingers might be fun
Zoe's reaction to seeing her Easter basket
Easter spoils
Success with pigtails!
Zoe LOVES to collect rocks
We've been to the park a few times
Zoe loves to swing. She says, "Again?", over and over and when we leave she can't stop telling me how much fun she had. She also really likes the slide.
Park Princess
Zoe likes to prop frog up to sit with her when she plays the piano
As you can see, we've had a fun couple of weeks so I hope you'll forgive my absence. Also, while I was away, we chose to name baby number two: Paige Alexis. I'm glad to finally have a name for her! So far the pregnancy seems to be going fine, though the warm weather has brought on a bit of early swelling and I'm starting to really "feel" pregnant, which makes getting through the day a bit more difficult but still manageable. Paige is definitely stretching and kicking her legs as much as she can. I'm now 23 weeks and 1 day into this pregnancy- it seems to be going so much faster this time around. Zoe is starting to grasp that there is a baby in there...at least I think so. She likes to kiss my tummy and she's felt Paige kick a couple times. I'm not sure that she knows what it actually was, but she was sure wide-eyed when she felt the movement. I'm enjoying all these sweet moments.
2008
I found this on Back to Me and decided to fill it out here. So, here goes:
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Got in a serious car accident where our vehicle was totaled...while pregnant, lived with Gestational Diabetes, gave birth, learned to breastfeed, became a Mother, learned to love someone more than I ever though possible in an instant, learned (and still learning) to juggle motherhood, being a wife, being a housekeeper, working, and commuting, bought a house and probably several other things. This year has been full of newness.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Honestly, I don't really remember my new year's resolutions...or if I made any. I will be making some for 2009.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Several people I know. Especially my two best friends, and my two sisters-in-law.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Unfortunately my Grandfather, on my Mom's side, passed away on December 24th.
5. What countries did you visit? None.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Enough money that I can stay at home with Zoe.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 8th- the day of the pregnant car crash, June 30th- the day Zoe was born, August 25th- the day I had to go back to work...the hardest day of my life to date, November 3rd- the day we signed papers for the house, November 8th- our first night in the house, and December 24th- the day my beloved Grandpa passed away.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a Mom and surviving all the changes.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not speaking up sooner about what motherhood had done to my identity, not asking for help sooner, and not ever finding equipoise- a state of balance.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I suffered minor injuries in our car crash in January. As far as illnesses I had gestational diabetes- is that considered an illness?- and a urinary tract infection...and some colds here and there. Fairly healthy year though, I guess.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My house.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My Mom's. I don't know how I could have possibly made it through the year without her. Also, my Dad and Grandmother helped us purchase our house. My husband's family and their willingness to help care for my daughter. My Boss for being so great about all the changes this year. Actually a lot of people were pretty awesome this year.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A minimal few whom I do not want to name or discuss here.
14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Mostly hospital bills this year.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The day I held my healthy baby girl in my arms and watching her learn, grow, and develop. She is the light of my life.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry because of all the controversy.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. The holidays were rough for our family this year. Last year I was pregnant and hopeful for the year to come.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner...but only slightly...I was about 14 weeks pregnant then.
c) richer or poorer? Much poorer. I cut my hours after coming back from Maternity Leave and also we have more debt now...working on that. But you know what? It's totally worth it!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Sleep.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worry/stress
20. How did you spend Christmas? We had Love's Sister and his Parents over on Christmas Eve and Love cooked a delicious dinner all by himself. Christmas morning Zoe opened presents with us and her Grandparents, we saw "Marley & Me" in theaters, then spent the rest of Christmas Day with Love's family. We spent the night at his parent's house because the snow was so bad.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Well, I'm constantly falling in love with Matt for various reasons. This year there were many as I watched him become a Father. Also I fell in love with Zoe...more than I ever thought possible.
22. What was your favorite TV program? Heroes
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I try really hard to never hate anyone. In fact, I have a very hard time holding a grudge. I find it easier on my soul to let things go.
24. What was the best book you read? "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. That book changed my life.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? That Zoe likes it when I sing. :) Just kidding, I am so stuck on her! No, this year I discovered Paramore and Ingrid Michaelson. There are probably more but those are my favorites.
26. What did you want and get? A beautiful, perfect, healthy baby.
27. What did you want and not get? To be a stay-at-home Mom.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Dark Knight
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26. I slept in, went to church, spent the evening with family, ate homemade chicken noodle soup, and received very thoughtful gifts from Love.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More time for myself- to do things that I enjoy, to work out, to play the flute or piano or sing, to go swing dancing...anything really.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Something comfortable with an expanding waistband for the first half of the year. Anything that fits, that I can wear to work, the second half of the year.
32. What kept you sane? An incredibly helpful and patient Husband/Father.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It's usually Angelina Jolie...and nothing's changed.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? The economy.
35. Who did you miss? My friends. I have some that live far away that I miss all the time, some that I lost due to changes in our (or their) lives, and some that I just don't get to see as much as I used to. I also really missed my family way more than usual after Zoe was born. I hate that they don't get to be around her all the time.
36. Who was the best new person you met? Zoe
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I learned to find a way to enjoy your life no matter what. It passes too quickly to live in the past. Things will happen the way that they are intended to happen...not necessarily on your time. In the end you'll understand why so don't worry about that now. I will apply what I learned in 2009.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Got in a serious car accident where our vehicle was totaled...while pregnant, lived with Gestational Diabetes, gave birth, learned to breastfeed, became a Mother, learned to love someone more than I ever though possible in an instant, learned (and still learning) to juggle motherhood, being a wife, being a housekeeper, working, and commuting, bought a house and probably several other things. This year has been full of newness.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Honestly, I don't really remember my new year's resolutions...or if I made any. I will be making some for 2009.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Several people I know. Especially my two best friends, and my two sisters-in-law.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Unfortunately my Grandfather, on my Mom's side, passed away on December 24th.
5. What countries did you visit? None.
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Enough money that I can stay at home with Zoe.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 8th- the day of the pregnant car crash, June 30th- the day Zoe was born, August 25th- the day I had to go back to work...the hardest day of my life to date, November 3rd- the day we signed papers for the house, November 8th- our first night in the house, and December 24th- the day my beloved Grandpa passed away.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Becoming a Mom and surviving all the changes.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not speaking up sooner about what motherhood had done to my identity, not asking for help sooner, and not ever finding equipoise- a state of balance.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I suffered minor injuries in our car crash in January. As far as illnesses I had gestational diabetes- is that considered an illness?- and a urinary tract infection...and some colds here and there. Fairly healthy year though, I guess.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My house.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My Mom's. I don't know how I could have possibly made it through the year without her. Also, my Dad and Grandmother helped us purchase our house. My husband's family and their willingness to help care for my daughter. My Boss for being so great about all the changes this year. Actually a lot of people were pretty awesome this year.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A minimal few whom I do not want to name or discuss here.
14. Where did most of your money go? Bills. Mostly hospital bills this year.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The day I held my healthy baby girl in my arms and watching her learn, grow, and develop. She is the light of my life.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry because of all the controversy.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. The holidays were rough for our family this year. Last year I was pregnant and hopeful for the year to come.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner...but only slightly...I was about 14 weeks pregnant then.
c) richer or poorer? Much poorer. I cut my hours after coming back from Maternity Leave and also we have more debt now...working on that. But you know what? It's totally worth it!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Sleep.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worry/stress
20. How did you spend Christmas? We had Love's Sister and his Parents over on Christmas Eve and Love cooked a delicious dinner all by himself. Christmas morning Zoe opened presents with us and her Grandparents, we saw "Marley & Me" in theaters, then spent the rest of Christmas Day with Love's family. We spent the night at his parent's house because the snow was so bad.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Well, I'm constantly falling in love with Matt for various reasons. This year there were many as I watched him become a Father. Also I fell in love with Zoe...more than I ever thought possible.
22. What was your favorite TV program? Heroes
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I try really hard to never hate anyone. In fact, I have a very hard time holding a grudge. I find it easier on my soul to let things go.
24. What was the best book you read? "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. That book changed my life.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? That Zoe likes it when I sing. :) Just kidding, I am so stuck on her! No, this year I discovered Paramore and Ingrid Michaelson. There are probably more but those are my favorites.
26. What did you want and get? A beautiful, perfect, healthy baby.
27. What did you want and not get? To be a stay-at-home Mom.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Dark Knight
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26. I slept in, went to church, spent the evening with family, ate homemade chicken noodle soup, and received very thoughtful gifts from Love.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More time for myself- to do things that I enjoy, to work out, to play the flute or piano or sing, to go swing dancing...anything really.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Something comfortable with an expanding waistband for the first half of the year. Anything that fits, that I can wear to work, the second half of the year.
32. What kept you sane? An incredibly helpful and patient Husband/Father.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It's usually Angelina Jolie...and nothing's changed.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? The economy.
35. Who did you miss? My friends. I have some that live far away that I miss all the time, some that I lost due to changes in our (or their) lives, and some that I just don't get to see as much as I used to. I also really missed my family way more than usual after Zoe was born. I hate that they don't get to be around her all the time.
36. Who was the best new person you met? Zoe
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I learned to find a way to enjoy your life no matter what. It passes too quickly to live in the past. Things will happen the way that they are intended to happen...not necessarily on your time. In the end you'll understand why so don't worry about that now. I will apply what I learned in 2009.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is our fate- Jason Mraz
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is our fate- Jason Mraz
My year has been full of the new. New people, new experiences, new love, new places, new discoveries, new learning experiences. I feel like I've lived in a whirlwind the whole year. In 2009 I hope to gain my footing again. I hope to find time to do more things I enjoy, get in better shape, be an amazing wife and mother, find a way to stay home with Zoe, and try to live more in the moment instead of putting things off. I hope to find equipoise in 2009. Care to join me?
Tomorrow night Love and I will be writing down our New Year's resolutions and I will post them here. I will also be posting Zoe's 6 month letter soon. Happy New Year!!!
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
i am feeling...lost? no, that is not the right word...i am not lost, i am
uncertain...about, well, everything. my mind is filled with questions. where
am i going? what am i doing? what am i waiting for? why can't i just LIVE and
let the pregnancy thing be? why am i SO FREAKIN FOCUSED on having a baby that i
can't justify an early morning jog because i might hurt a potential pregnancy?
what if i never become pregnant (heaven forbid) and i spend years living in
limbo? what if i find myself five years down the road without a child in my
arms, having gained 20 more pounds than the 30 i've put on the last few years?
what if i'm still sitting on the couch channel surfing and watching my life
drift slowly by as i wave it away like a fly? how can i keep justifying my
laziness? so many questions and no easy answers. couple that with the fact
that my body can't decide what it wants to do.
did you know i started bleeding last tuesday? ten days before i was supposed to? then i stopped on friday and not a drop since. what does that mean? am i pregnant? am i just freaking out? am i so damn stressed out that my body is signaling it's had enough? and how come i never noticed that my breast are tender near cycle day one before i started trying? why did it take me six months to figure that out so i didn't think it was a sign of pregnancy? how's a girl supposed to figure all this out on her own?
here's a thought. how about we take all the crack addicts that get pregnant and throw children away like trash...and place those babies in the wombs of the women who have good homes, who ache to hold their child in their arms? i am dizzy with the thoughts swimming around in my head. wondering how much longer i can hold it in. wondering what it's going to take to push me over the edge. what is going to break this calm i've been feeling? do you find it sad that i almost expect the bleeding to come? do you know how to break hope? do you know how to get it back?
i am uncertain about life, about where this path will lead me. i am uncertain whether we'll ever have enough money for a house, if we'll ever be out of debt. i am worried about my job, how much longer i can do it...what it will take for me to focus. i am hoping that Matt likes his new job and that it will take him far. far enough that i can quit working, be a stay at home mom like i've always wanted, do some of the things i truly love and never have time for...that is if i can just get over thishurdle mountain- that
stands between me and motherhood. i would love any advice...any answers to my
questions...anyone in my shoes.
Title is a quote by: John Wooden
did you know i started bleeding last tuesday? ten days before i was supposed to? then i stopped on friday and not a drop since. what does that mean? am i pregnant? am i just freaking out? am i so damn stressed out that my body is signaling it's had enough? and how come i never noticed that my breast are tender near cycle day one before i started trying? why did it take me six months to figure that out so i didn't think it was a sign of pregnancy? how's a girl supposed to figure all this out on her own?
here's a thought. how about we take all the crack addicts that get pregnant and throw children away like trash...and place those babies in the wombs of the women who have good homes, who ache to hold their child in their arms? i am dizzy with the thoughts swimming around in my head. wondering how much longer i can hold it in. wondering what it's going to take to push me over the edge. what is going to break this calm i've been feeling? do you find it sad that i almost expect the bleeding to come? do you know how to break hope? do you know how to get it back?
i am uncertain about life, about where this path will lead me. i am uncertain whether we'll ever have enough money for a house, if we'll ever be out of debt. i am worried about my job, how much longer i can do it...what it will take for me to focus. i am hoping that Matt likes his new job and that it will take him far. far enough that i can quit working, be a stay at home mom like i've always wanted, do some of the things i truly love and never have time for...that is if i can just get over this
Title is a quote by: John Wooden
Less Than Hopeful
I am feeling a little apprehensive. I do not know yet if I'm pregnant. I
won't know until sometime between June 1st and June 4th. Why the 3 day range?
I miscalculated CD1 as suspected. I thought had it all figured out until I took
an ovulation test and discovered my LH surge was happening 3 days earlier than
expected. Do you know what else this means? It means I did the HSG test on
CD11 instead of during the CD7-CD10 window. I don't know if that's really bad
or not, but it doesn't make me happy. All of this, along with the fact that my
boobs hurt again (which means exactly nothing), leaves me feeling a bit like
I've spun out of control. Being the control freak I am...well I'm sure you can
imagine. These factors also leave me feeling like this isn't THE
month...again. Well, I guess I kind of always feel like that...probably so I
don't have to feel any emotion when it isn't.
Which brings me to my next cause of stress. If I am not pregnant this month, I have to decide between doing the test or the procedure- for which I am unsure if I have the money- or decide to try naturally for one to a few more months. Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I'm lost and my emotions are only leading me a thousand different directions. I didn't think it would be this hard to decide...but how do you make that leap from natural to assisted? I thought what I wanted was a solution...but the more I think about it, the more doubts and fears I have about jumping. I just wish, for once, that SOMETHING would be easy. I guess all I can do now is wait, and hope that either this is THE month, or that I will find peace with at least one option. I need your advice friends!
Which brings me to my next cause of stress. If I am not pregnant this month, I have to decide between doing the test or the procedure- for which I am unsure if I have the money- or decide to try naturally for one to a few more months. Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I'm lost and my emotions are only leading me a thousand different directions. I didn't think it would be this hard to decide...but how do you make that leap from natural to assisted? I thought what I wanted was a solution...but the more I think about it, the more doubts and fears I have about jumping. I just wish, for once, that SOMETHING would be easy. I guess all I can do now is wait, and hope that either this is THE month, or that I will find peace with at least one option. I need your advice friends!
OUCH!
I hate cramping! Expecially my cramping. I always feel nauseous and
helpless and I can't find a good temperature. Cool air gives me chills, hot air
makes me nauseous. That pretty much covers how I felt on the way home from my
appointment this morning. (I couldn't help thinking, if this car ride feels
this long now, what will it be like during labor?) SO glad I took the whole day
off.
The test itself went exactly as I thought, though the radiologist didn't seem too concerned that my "whole world" was open for viewing to him and the nurse the whole time. I guess they don't feel the need to cover me up whenever possible... The good news is that everything looks perfectly normal. That news makes Monday not seem so bad. What makes Monday bad is all this cramping...I feel so strange. Oh well, things are normal and tomorrow is another day.
The test itself went exactly as I thought, though the radiologist didn't seem too concerned that my "whole world" was open for viewing to him and the nurse the whole time. I guess they don't feel the need to cover me up whenever possible... The good news is that everything looks perfectly normal. That news makes Monday not seem so bad. What makes Monday bad is all this cramping...I feel so strange. Oh well, things are normal and tomorrow is another day.
Mother's Day
Last year Mother's Day, for me, was filled with hope and excitement that I
would soon be a mother. Now, the thought of today brings little twinges of pain
to my heart. Instead of focusing on the pain, I want to tell you all a bit
about MY mother.
My Mom is my best friend. I can't tell you how many fights and disagreements we had before we got to the "friend" point, but now that we're here, I am so very grateful. I am thankful that I can call her up and tell her about everything going on in my life and she'll listen and offer advice as needed. My Mother is a beacon of light to those around her. She is a guide to those who want to follow her example. She is such an amazingly GOOD person, and is loved my so many, but mostly by her children.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful childhood. I had a mother who wasn't afraid to get down on the floor and play with us. She was never afraid to be silly with us- even in public. She was never too busy to listen to what we had to say, and could understand our words even if all 5 of us spoke at once. She loved to teach us to do things. She was a real handywoman. It was not uncommon to come home and find her building a wall, repairing something, or taking on a new task most women would make their husbands do. She was always busy cooking, keeping the house, running us all over town, and tackling literal MOUNTAINS of laundry, but I always remember when I needed her, she was there.
She taught me to be self reliant. To figure things out on my own. She wanted us to be strong and to know how to do lots of different things, be it cooking, sewing, building, repairing walls, cleaning- her idea of clean not ours :)- grooming, or being selfless/ kind to others. Yet, she knew the world would continue to grow worse and taught us to have strong morals and values, but to never judge others. She knew we would have hard times in life and taught us to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer when we couldn't do it alone.
She is strong. She has been through many hard times. We lost our baby sister three hours after birth several years ago. It was hard for us kids, but I can only imagine the loss my Mother and Father felt that day, and even now. I haven't had the chance to experience pregnancy, yet, but I know that the connection between mother and baby is strong during those nine months and the love is instantaneous. My mother's heart broke that day, and she had a long period of time where she felt nothing but heartache. To see her come out of it, or to just try and be strong enough for us kids, taught me that I can get through anything. That it's ok to cry sometimes. It's ok to grieve sometimes. It's ok to let go sometimes...
She is an AMAZING woman. She is beautiful and kind, tender and loving, strong and determined. She is shy, but has never hesitated to speak out to protect her children or her values. She does not have a "career", but fulfills the work of raising her children well and passing on her talents and helping develp ours. She is a supportive wife and mother, constantly giving of herself without losing the amazing person that she is. She taught us a love for music and art, something that I cherish to this day. She did and still does all of this, her only compensation being the love of her family- I hope we can give back enough.
Today, on Mother's Day, I want to tell her THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with my rebellious years, thank you for brushing off those terrible things I said to you, thank you for seeing through my hard shell and finding the soft parts of my soul. Thank you for loving me no matter what, for being the kind of mom they write books about. Thank you for being you. Thank you for finding spaces of time in your very busy life even now to talk to me. Thank you for loving my Husband as your son, and for praying for us through both the good and hard times. Thank you for the mother you will always be for me and the mother that you are to my siblings. I know that when I have kids, you will have so much still to teach them, and so much wisdom in motherhood to pass on to me- yes, I will be calling. Thank you Mommy, for everything. I love you!
To all those women who are mothers, who will be mothers, who want desperately to be mothers, to the aunts and grandmothers, to the fathers who are mothers too, to you young girls that will be mothers someday, Happy Mothers Day!
My Mom is my best friend. I can't tell you how many fights and disagreements we had before we got to the "friend" point, but now that we're here, I am so very grateful. I am thankful that I can call her up and tell her about everything going on in my life and she'll listen and offer advice as needed. My Mother is a beacon of light to those around her. She is a guide to those who want to follow her example. She is such an amazingly GOOD person, and is loved my so many, but mostly by her children.
I was fortunate to have a wonderful childhood. I had a mother who wasn't afraid to get down on the floor and play with us. She was never afraid to be silly with us- even in public. She was never too busy to listen to what we had to say, and could understand our words even if all 5 of us spoke at once. She loved to teach us to do things. She was a real handywoman. It was not uncommon to come home and find her building a wall, repairing something, or taking on a new task most women would make their husbands do. She was always busy cooking, keeping the house, running us all over town, and tackling literal MOUNTAINS of laundry, but I always remember when I needed her, she was there.
She taught me to be self reliant. To figure things out on my own. She wanted us to be strong and to know how to do lots of different things, be it cooking, sewing, building, repairing walls, cleaning- her idea of clean not ours :)- grooming, or being selfless/ kind to others. Yet, she knew the world would continue to grow worse and taught us to have strong morals and values, but to never judge others. She knew we would have hard times in life and taught us to turn to our Heavenly Father in prayer when we couldn't do it alone.
She is strong. She has been through many hard times. We lost our baby sister three hours after birth several years ago. It was hard for us kids, but I can only imagine the loss my Mother and Father felt that day, and even now. I haven't had the chance to experience pregnancy, yet, but I know that the connection between mother and baby is strong during those nine months and the love is instantaneous. My mother's heart broke that day, and she had a long period of time where she felt nothing but heartache. To see her come out of it, or to just try and be strong enough for us kids, taught me that I can get through anything. That it's ok to cry sometimes. It's ok to grieve sometimes. It's ok to let go sometimes...
She is an AMAZING woman. She is beautiful and kind, tender and loving, strong and determined. She is shy, but has never hesitated to speak out to protect her children or her values. She does not have a "career", but fulfills the work of raising her children well and passing on her talents and helping develp ours. She is a supportive wife and mother, constantly giving of herself without losing the amazing person that she is. She taught us a love for music and art, something that I cherish to this day. She did and still does all of this, her only compensation being the love of her family- I hope we can give back enough.
Today, on Mother's Day, I want to tell her THANK YOU. Thank you for putting up with my rebellious years, thank you for brushing off those terrible things I said to you, thank you for seeing through my hard shell and finding the soft parts of my soul. Thank you for loving me no matter what, for being the kind of mom they write books about. Thank you for being you. Thank you for finding spaces of time in your very busy life even now to talk to me. Thank you for loving my Husband as your son, and for praying for us through both the good and hard times. Thank you for the mother you will always be for me and the mother that you are to my siblings. I know that when I have kids, you will have so much still to teach them, and so much wisdom in motherhood to pass on to me- yes, I will be calling. Thank you Mommy, for everything. I love you!
To all those women who are mothers, who will be mothers, who want desperately to be mothers, to the aunts and grandmothers, to the fathers who are mothers too, to you young girls that will be mothers someday, Happy Mothers Day!
On The Calendar
O.K. I started (for sure this time) today. I know because my insides are
seemingly, or quite literally, RIPPING out. I know I said I started friday, but
I didn't really start until today. Are you confused? I am. My body is a
trickster- and a cruel one at that- what can I say really??? I called the
Doctor today, my HSG is scheduled for next monday, the 14th, at 10 am. (I took
the whole day off.)
Now...
Thank you to those of you who left kind comments. I'll admit, I had one
horrible Friday. I was just on edge and on the verge of tears the entire day.
It was hard because I started 4 days early, but didn't really start. It kept
going off and on and has been for 3 days now. At this point, I don't really
know what to think. I'm certainly very tired of the cruel trick my body likes
to play on me each month. I always have 5 or 6 days of guessing and second
guessing until I finally know for sure. I think it would be a lot easier to
just know, one way or the other. My emotions are better now- nicely walled up
and locked away for another month. My only real worry at this point is I have
to do the dye test now. (Called Hysterosalpingogram or HSG). I wasn't too
worried before, but I have a sister-in-law that is going through the exact same
thing as I am. In fact we are two weeks apart in our cycles. I am so thankful
to have her there by my side going through the same things I am.
She had her HSG last week. In speaking with her about it, I found out that there is a significant amount of cramping afterward (I'm supposed to take Motrin before the test), Matt can't come into the room because they don't want to expose any one to radiation (?!?!?!) that doesn't need to be, and they have to do it within the cycle days 7-10. Wow, that's a sickeningly small window. My fear is, I cannot figure out what day my cycle began, or if it has really begun. Why? Because I haven't had my normal cramps, and I have yet to bleed normally. The projected first cycle day is tomorrow, so I think I'll call the my doctor tomorrow, explain to him what's going on, and see if they can help me pinpoint it. Anyway, that will occur sometime this week. I just hope all goes well. The brighter side of this test is, if everything comes out normal, they say there is a high percentage of women who get pregnant one to two months following the test. Simply because, if there was any minor blockage, or anything on the uterine lining that was keeping pregnancy from happening, the dye should flush it out. So, I will continue to be hopeful.
She had her HSG last week. In speaking with her about it, I found out that there is a significant amount of cramping afterward (I'm supposed to take Motrin before the test), Matt can't come into the room because they don't want to expose any one to radiation (?!?!?!) that doesn't need to be, and they have to do it within the cycle days 7-10. Wow, that's a sickeningly small window. My fear is, I cannot figure out what day my cycle began, or if it has really begun. Why? Because I haven't had my normal cramps, and I have yet to bleed normally. The projected first cycle day is tomorrow, so I think I'll call the my doctor tomorrow, explain to him what's going on, and see if they can help me pinpoint it. Anyway, that will occur sometime this week. I just hope all goes well. The brighter side of this test is, if everything comes out normal, they say there is a high percentage of women who get pregnant one to two months following the test. Simply because, if there was any minor blockage, or anything on the uterine lining that was keeping pregnancy from happening, the dye should flush it out. So, I will continue to be hopeful.
Once Again
woke up in the middle of the night to the evil red stuff, stayed in denial most
of the morning until the cramps started, too emotional to say anything more
without crying again.
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