Summer is winding down into the slower pace of Fall. The air has a slight chill to it and the Fall aromas are beginning to perfume the nights. The universe is telling me to slow down in all facets of my life. Well, I haven't been listening. All summer long I have been busy working, cleaning, playing, stressing, trying to find that state of balance...that "equipoise" that I'm supposed to be looking for here. It seems that finding equipoise is not done by filling your day with projects, scheduling yourself, expecting perfection.
Ever since Zoe was born I've been trying to get my house spotless- you know, like I had it before. After a year of her life, I've finally realized that it's just not going to be...and that I have to learn to be ok with that. Obviously, it's going to take me a long time to do that, but knowing is half the battle right? On top of wantinga spotless house I am trying to be a perfect employee. I've been working from home since May- something that sort of just fell into my lap. Since it's something that is rare in my company, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it- which is a major stress all it's own. It's been a great blessing as it allows me to help support my family financially while also living my dream of being home with Zoe. Truth be told, though, it's a lot harder than I thought. I love my daughter, but sometimes I wish I could just escape to work, have less crying and more adult conversation. Before, when I was AT WORK part time, I could come home and truly focus on her...and on my days off I would get my cleaning and projects done during her naps. Now, I work during all of her naps so I find myself doing the cleaning and projects when I feel like I should be focusing on her. She is my priority...and I do play with her often and take her outside, read her books, let her explore, let her create...but sometimes I feel like I'm allowing my perfectionist nature about my house take up time I should be spending being an engaged parent. It's become really hard for me to find a balance in this.
As if I needed to add more, I've also decided recently that I needed to start doing things for myself before I had nothing at all to give to my children. I waited too long to make this decision and found myself slipping away as motherhood took over. So I've been trying to play the piano more, reading more often, and I began an exercise program- which brought on the universe's message:
That message came loud and clear when I hurt my knees running the very first day of the program. I didn't listen...instead trying for two weeks to get them to feel better- going running despite the pain because I don't want to lose my motivation. Before and throughout that, Zoe got sick with a double ear infection just after finally adjusting to being weaned to a bottle. For weeks she's been whining, crying, clingy, and just generally unsatisfied. It was my hope that this would stop once the antibiotics had taken effect- not so. A few days after finishing the antibiotic a tooth popped through...ah, this must explain it. SO we administered teething tablets and meds at night for pain...still whining, clingy, and not sleeping so great. On top of all this I've been trying to reach my goals for the month for work and this is the final week of the month.
Yesterday, I decided to walk instead of run and my knees are feeling better. This evening I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and Zoe was all but climbing up my legs and crying. Finally I left the dishes, picked her up and we went into the living room and played for a while before bedtime. She stopped crying and that's when it hit me. I need to slow down. I need to continue my workouts but take a slower pace. I need to worry less about perfection and more about getting it done so I can have fun with my daughter. I need to focus on work when I'm working and leave it upstairs when I'm not. Finally, I need to take things a day at a time. Give myself daily goals, yes, but allow myself to decide daily how best to spend my time. Children grow too fast, knees aren't made of steel, I am not wonder woman, as long as it's sanitary, the mess can wait. So yeah, Universe, I got your message...loud and clear...slowing down now.
As a reward for making it through my long-winded ramblings here's some Equipoise family news: We're officially trying to conceive...again. I have more to say on this subject, but that is another post. Until then, slow down