Today marks 14 weeks into this pregnancy and I woke up feeling the worst I have in weeks. This doesn't bode well for the supposed break from nausea in the second trimester. Still, I will hold out hope. I had to take the evil glucose test- where they make you drink the orange drink- at my last appointment. It made me feel like I was on speed (not that I really know what being on speed feels like but I would imagine it would be something like that). I didn't have that feeling when I took the test with Zoe so I'm not sure what that means. I haven't heard back yet on the result. I'm pretty much counting on having gestational diabetes again though. I figure if it turns out that I don't have it, I'll be happy about it of course, but if I do, then I expected it so no big deal. I will admit to indulging in several guilty pleasures this week just in case I have to do without them for several months. I was thinking the other day about this thought I used to have as a young girl. I'd see these women in hospital gowns sitting outside the women's center in wheelchairs smoking and I'd think to myself, "Why, after giving it up for so many months, would they go right back to it?" I spent a few years as a smoker- which of course makes me a hypocrite to my younger self- and I still didn't understand it. It wasn't until I was pregnant with Zoe and having to deal with gestational diabetes that it came to me. Every time I had to say no to that roll, the sweet cream ice cream with raspberries, one too many grapes, or the decadent chocolate cake, I would say to myself, "Just a few more weeks and you can have it back." At the time, Coke with lime was my ambrosia- if you will- and my mantra was, "This sucks but as soon as this baby comes I'm going to have a giant Coke with lime!" Those women probably spent their whole pregnancy avoiding cigarettes by telling themselves, "As soon as the baby comes you can have one." It's sad, really, but it does get you through.
Now, being on a diabetes diet did wonders for my weight gain. I lost all
of my pregnancy weight within 10 days of Zoe's birth. I didn't feel weighed
down by the food I ate, I didn't have problems with constipation, upset stomach,
or many of those common pregnancy symptoms while on that diet, but it was hard!
I had to plan every meal. I had to know how many carbs was in everything I
ate. I could only have a specific amount of carbs for each meal and each
snack. I had to know that there was about 1 gram of carbs per grape. Worse,
when I was hungry I wanted to eat "right now" not have to prepare something.
Not only was the planning and the patience hard, but it was rough on our
wallet. Protein and produce is much more expensive than boxed snacks and
Then came the time when dieting and "exercising" wasn't enough to keep my
sugar levels in check and they made me start taking insulin. I am afraid of
needles and every day I had to "pinch an inch" on my sides and inject myself
with insulin. I cried the day they told me, not just because of the needles,
but because I felt I had failed. The whole time I was dealing with diabetes I
was thinking, "I'm not really that out of shape, I'm not overweight, I'm not a
health-nut but I watch my portions and I don't eat a ton of junk food, why am I
even dealing with this?" I felt I had failed my body by not taking care of it
the way I was supposed to. I swore that I would live healthier going forward.
When it was all over I did keep up with many of the principles of the
diabetes diet...but as Zoe had gotten older and my life has become more busy, I
have become lazy. It's so much easier to eat a hot dog with her than try to
make myself a salad (not that she actually eats a lot of hot dogs...she probably
has a much more balanced diet than I do). I'm home a lot more now so I'll get
hungry and get a snack. I live in the middle of nowhere and, since winter hit,
I haven't really done much in the way of exercise. As we speak, I'm staring
gestational diabetes in the face and eating a dove chocolate. Apparently I have
learned nothing. Because no matter what, I love sweets, I like carbs, and yes I
try to balance them with proteins and fresh veggies, but I fail a lot of the
time. I'm sorry, but Coke with lime is delicious! If I have gestational
diabetes again, I will certainly do everything I can to keep myself and this
baby healthy...just like I did with Zoe. I may have an opportunity to use a
treadmill soon, and I bought a pregnancy yoga video...took me longer than I
planned. I have the desire to be more healthy. If I can't escape gestational
diabetes this time, maybe I can become more healthy and beat it next time...or
at least avoid getting type 2 diabetes later in life. Maybe this time some
habits will stick. I hope they do.