To be perfectly honest...it is these times late at night, when Love is asleep, when my thoughts are allowed to turn to the pain of having an empty womb, that my truest emotions come out unashamedly and I acknowledge my tears. I face up to my fears of never carrying a child, and wonder if I can handle that. I know there are thousands of women who are in a much worse situation than I am, but late at night...I don't want to try to explain away my emotions...I want to let them out. I want to stop feeling bad for being upset that so many women around me are able to conceive...some without much thought at all. I want to stop feeling like it's my fault, to stop wondering if there's something I'm doing wrong that would keep me from motherhood.
Most of the time, I keep my fears and emotions at bay- while trying to acknowledge all the good things I have in my life. And I do have SO MANY good things! I have a Husband who loves me eternally and wholly and who I know will stay by my side and be strong and fight with me, no matter what. I have family who supports me and knows my pain and tries as much as they can to be understanding. I have friends who are loyal and who try to keep my mind on other things- and who will yell at me when I need a wake up call. I have faith in God and Jesus Christ that they know what they are doing- and I do try to trust them- and I'm so grateful for the comfort they give me during this trial in my life. It is late at night- in my weaker moments, when the bustle of everyday life settles and my thoughts collect- that my fears come creeping in...bringing along the flood of tears I've been pushing down.
It's the quiet moments during the car ride home, after my sister-in-law announces she's pregnant, and I realize I'm the only one in that family, who wants to be, that's not. It's when my Husband grabs my hand, realizing I've been quietly letting the tears rush down my face as I stare out the window, and asks if I'm OK. It's then when I admit that, no, I'm not. I stammer through my sobs that I'm so happy for her because I know that she's been wanting this for a while. I say I appreciate how gentle she was when she announced it...that she gave me the opportunity to cry without making me feel guilty. But, I'm so angry that I don't get to be pregnant. That I don't get to feel that joy. That I have to see people close to me enjoy what I want the most. Then I immediately feel guilty when my Husband tells me she FEELS BAD for being pregnant when I'm not. NO ONE should have to feel bad that they are pregnant. And I'm SO SORRY to anyone who is close to me, or even if you're not, if I've ever made you feel bad for being pregnant when I'm not. I want you to be pregnant...just as much as I want it. So, why am I so terribly jealous and bitter sometimes?
Well, I guess that's the selfishness in me. The part of me that I'm trying to keep soft and not sharp. But I know that sometimes you get stabbed by the feathers in your pillow. So, tonight I let the softness of my tears flow freely along with the bitterness of the sharps that sometimes surface. I hope you can understand that sometimes, late at night, I just need to cry, and rage, and cry...and hope those who listen will not judge me.