I sometimes wonder where all my motivation goes. I mean, for a while there, I was really into running. In fact, I'm still really into it. It's just that I can't fathom running when the high today was 27 degrees. Does that make me a quitter? I feel like I start a lot of things I don't finish. Some of those things are silly side projects and it doesn't matter if they get done any time soon.
I've realized, though, that I've started a lot of different things over
the last few years to try to lose weight, or at least get in better shape, and
no matter what, I fail to complete it- or even keep it up for a reasonable
amount of time. I am so frustrated with myself about this. Every day I look
into the mirror before I step into the shower and suck in my stomach and try to
push my fat about to see what it would be like to look more like an hourglass
and less like an apple on a stick.
I am often found trying things on and then
getting frustrated because yet another clothing item no longer fits. It's sort
of funny sometimes that this weight issue seems so BIG to me because I'm really
not THAT overweight. In fact, by most standards, I'm not overweight at all.
It's just that, if I replaced the fat with muscle, I'd fit into things better
and just generally FEEL better about myself. It's strange to look in the mirror
and not recognize myself...or to look back to my college days and wonder where
that girl went. That confident girl with the skinny waistline and the long
flowing hair. She could conquer the world. I can't even conquer my body
Poor Love is constantly having to reassure me that he still finds me
attractive. I don't think he knows how deeply this body-hate goes. It's so
different to see your body after it's been ravaged by pregnancy. I'll spare any
Men in my audience from details, but nothing is ever the same. You feel like a
shriveled up raisin. The other day I tried on the jacket from one of my
favorite suits and found I couldn't button it. So, that night I did pilates at
midnight. A few days later I'm wondering to myself, "Just exactly what did that
accomplish?"- because I haven't bothered to exercise since.
I'm full of excuses
why I don't have time to exercise, and truthfully, I have no idea how to stop
that mind frame. I'm also full of reasons why I should- mostly complaints about
the way I look- I am my worst critic. I never wanted to be that person who
hated her body. I always swore I would stay in shape so I never had to feel
like I didn't love my body. But...I didn't. Now it seems impossible to get
back to where I was.
I'm not disillusioned into thinking that I'm going to ever
look the same as I did in college. The fine lines under my eyes and the
pregnancy have told me that much. I'd just like to get to where I can feel good
in my clothes. Have a little bit flatter tummy, get my waistline back, and feel
strong and healthy. This is something I would like to achieve soon so that I
can pass that feeling on to Zoe. I want to get in shape for myself...but also
for Love...and for Zoe.
She is watching me now. She's learning from me how to
be a woman. She's watching me to see if I love and respect my body, or if I
hate it. She's watching...and I'm not being a good example. I want to teach
her to love her body...but the trouble is...I don't know where to start on
myself...let alone my daughter. I need a plan...a winter plan. When it gets
warm, I'll run again...but I don't want to wait that long. I want to stop
feeling like a failure.
Needed to get that out. Thanks friends.