Today marks 14 weeks into this pregnancy and I woke up feeling the worst I
have in weeks. This doesn't bode well for the supposed break from nausea in the
second trimester. Still, I will hold out hope. I had to take the evil glucose
test- where they make you drink the orange drink- at my last appointment. It
made me feel like I was on speed (not that I really know what being on
speed feels like but I would imagine it would be something like that). I
didn't have that feeling when I took the test with Zoe so I'm not sure what that
means. I haven't heard back yet on the result. I'm pretty much counting on
having gestational diabetes again though. I figure if it turns out that I don't
have it, I'll be happy about it of course, but if I do, then I expected it so no
big deal. I will admit to indulging in several guilty pleasures this week just
in case I have to do without them for several months. I was thinking the other
day about this thought I used to have as a young girl. I'd see these women in
hospital gowns sitting outside the women's center in wheelchairs smoking and I'd
think to myself, "Why, after giving it up for so many months, would they go
right back to it?" I spent a few years as a smoker- which of course makes me a
hypocrite to my younger self- and I still didn't understand it. It wasn't until
I was pregnant with Zoe and having to deal with gestational diabetes that it
came to me. Every time I had to say no to that roll, the sweet cream ice cream
with raspberries, one too many grapes, or the decadent chocolate cake, I would
say to myself, "Just a few more weeks and you can have it back." At the
time, Coke with lime was my ambrosia- if you will- and my mantra was, "This
sucks but as soon as this baby comes I'm going to have a giant Coke with lime!"
Those women probably spent their whole pregnancy avoiding cigarettes by telling
themselves, "As soon as the baby comes you can have one." It's sad, really, but
it does get you through.
Now, being on a diabetes diet did wonders for my weight gain. I lost all
of my pregnancy weight within 10 days of Zoe's birth. I didn't feel weighed
down by the food I ate, I didn't have problems with constipation, upset stomach,
or many of those common pregnancy symptoms while on that diet, but it was hard!
I had to plan every meal. I had to know how many carbs was in everything I
ate. I could only have a specific amount of carbs for each meal and each
snack. I had to know that there was about 1 gram of carbs per grape. Worse,
when I was hungry I wanted to eat "right now" not have to prepare something.
Not only was the planning and the patience hard, but it was rough on our
wallet. Protein and produce is much more expensive than boxed snacks and
pasta.
Then came the time when dieting and "exercising" wasn't enough to keep my
sugar levels in check and they made me start taking insulin. I am afraid of
needles and every day I had to "pinch an inch" on my sides and inject myself
with insulin. I cried the day they told me, not just because of the needles,
but because I felt I had failed. The whole time I was dealing with diabetes I
was thinking, "I'm not really that out of shape, I'm not overweight, I'm not a
health-nut but I watch my portions and I don't eat a ton of junk food, why am I
even dealing with this?" I felt I had failed my body by not taking care of it
the way I was supposed to. I swore that I would live healthier going forward.
When it was all over I did keep up with many of the principles of the
diabetes diet...but as Zoe had gotten older and my life has become more busy, I
have become lazy. It's so much easier to eat a hot dog with her than try to
make myself a salad (not that she actually eats a lot of hot dogs...she probably
has a much more balanced diet than I do). I'm home a lot more now so I'll get
hungry and get a snack. I live in the middle of nowhere and, since winter hit,
I haven't really done much in the way of exercise. As we speak, I'm staring
gestational diabetes in the face and eating a dove chocolate. Apparently I have
learned nothing. Because no matter what, I love sweets, I like carbs, and yes I
try to balance them with proteins and fresh veggies, but I fail a lot of the
time. I'm sorry, but Coke with lime is delicious! If I have gestational
diabetes again, I will certainly do everything I can to keep myself and this
baby healthy...just like I did with Zoe. I may have an opportunity to use a
treadmill soon, and I bought a pregnancy yoga video...took me longer than I
planned. I have the desire to be more healthy. If I can't escape gestational
diabetes this time, maybe I can become more healthy and beat it next time...or
at least avoid getting type 2 diabetes later in life. Maybe this time some
habits will stick. I hope they do.
A Few Things
-First up, since I'm posting, you'll notice that I'm feeling better. This is
thanks to a wonderful drug called Zofran. It is my friend.
-I'm starting to unwind the tornado that has become my house after weeks of not feeling well.
-Zoe is talking up a storm saying things like "I love you" (sounds more like "I lub ba" but still) "See you later" "delicious" and has started putting words together like "light on?" or "i hold you?" I am loving this stage of her life.
-Baby bump made it's debut really early this time around. I have a feeling I'll have people asking if I'm about to pop at 7 months. Not looking forward to that.
-I'm determined not to lose more muscle this pregnancy. Next week I'm going to start learning yoga via DVD. I'll let you know how that goes.
-My Mom gave me her guitar for Christmas, I am re-teaching myself to play. This time around I'm learning all the notes, though, not just the chords. It's exciting.
-This has made me regret not playing the flute and piano more. That is my next goal. First, I have to tune my piano. Anyone know someone who's good, but inexpensive in Utah County?
-On a final and funny note, Zoe is in the other room laughing like this: "hehehehehe!" While funny, she's supposed to be asleep. Gotta love teething.
-I'm starting to unwind the tornado that has become my house after weeks of not feeling well.
-Zoe is talking up a storm saying things like "I love you" (sounds more like "I lub ba" but still) "See you later" "delicious" and has started putting words together like "light on?" or "i hold you?" I am loving this stage of her life.
-Baby bump made it's debut really early this time around. I have a feeling I'll have people asking if I'm about to pop at 7 months. Not looking forward to that.
-I'm determined not to lose more muscle this pregnancy. Next week I'm going to start learning yoga via DVD. I'll let you know how that goes.
-My Mom gave me her guitar for Christmas, I am re-teaching myself to play. This time around I'm learning all the notes, though, not just the chords. It's exciting.
-This has made me regret not playing the flute and piano more. That is my next goal. First, I have to tune my piano. Anyone know someone who's good, but inexpensive in Utah County?
-On a final and funny note, Zoe is in the other room laughing like this: "hehehehehe!" While funny, she's supposed to be asleep. Gotta love teething.
Announcing...
Baby number 2 in the Equipoise family! I'm about 9.5 weeks along. We
started out a bit rocky with some bleeding and a whole lot of taking it easy,
but things seem to be progressing well now. I am a lot more sick with this
one. Some speculate that this could mean a boy. I just hope for a healthy
baby. I'm sorry for my long silence but, between this and other things that
have been going on, I just didn't have much to say. We're praying that all goes
well with this pregnancy and that August presents us with a happy, healthy
little soul to bless our family. Not feeling well has made it difficult to do
much more than what's required of me, but I promise to post more often. Thanks
for sticking around!
First shot of our "big gummy bear" according to the Doc. :)
P.S. Funny little tidbit. Since it only took us 4 months this time the Doc said, "Hey, you're like a normal couple now!" I sure hope so.
First shot of our "big gummy bear" according to the Doc. :)
P.S. Funny little tidbit. Since it only took us 4 months this time the Doc said, "Hey, you're like a normal couple now!" I sure hope so.
What do you say?
I've been meaning to post for a while now. I just don't have the words.
Well, perhaps I have the words, but I just can't spill them yet, or ever in some
cases. What do you say when you're dealing with things beyond your control and
you can't talk about them? How do you write when your words are censored? How
do you reach out for help, for strength, for comfort, for hope, when you can't
share what you're going through? I don't know what to say, friends. Except I'm
dealing with both joys and heartaches at the moment. Thrilled one minute and
depressed the next. The holiday season is nearly at its peak...and my emotions
are undulating. I know I'm worrying you with these statements. You should
know: I AM OK. I just need some time. I realize I've asked for time a lot this
year. As I've said before, this year has been a rough one. I find myself
wondering how I can possibly ask you for anything, when I've given you little to
nothing in return? For someone who's been so open with you about everything,
I'm having a hard time not letting it out. Unfortunately, some parts are not my
stories to tell...and others are too uncertain to share just yet. For now, I
only ask for the love and support, prayers, hope and friendship I've counted on
from you in the past. I thank you in advance, from the bottom of my heart.
Ups and Downs
I sometimes wonder where all my motivation goes. I mean, for a while there, I
was really into running. In fact, I'm still really into it. It's just that I
can't fathom running when the high today was 27 degrees. Does that make me a
quitter? I feel like I start a lot of things I don't finish. Some of those
things are silly side projects and it doesn't matter if they get done any time
soon.
I've realized, though, that I've started a lot of different things over the last few years to try to lose weight, or at least get in better shape, and no matter what, I fail to complete it- or even keep it up for a reasonable amount of time. I am so frustrated with myself about this. Every day I look into the mirror before I step into the shower and suck in my stomach and try to push my fat about to see what it would be like to look more like an hourglass and less like an apple on a stick.
I am often found trying things on and then getting frustrated because yet another clothing item no longer fits. It's sort of funny sometimes that this weight issue seems so BIG to me because I'm really not THAT overweight. In fact, by most standards, I'm not overweight at all. It's just that, if I replaced the fat with muscle, I'd fit into things better and just generally FEEL better about myself. It's strange to look in the mirror and not recognize myself...or to look back to my college days and wonder where that girl went. That confident girl with the skinny waistline and the long flowing hair. She could conquer the world. I can't even conquer my body issues.
Poor Love is constantly having to reassure me that he still finds me attractive. I don't think he knows how deeply this body-hate goes. It's so different to see your body after it's been ravaged by pregnancy. I'll spare any Men in my audience from details, but nothing is ever the same. You feel like a shriveled up raisin. The other day I tried on the jacket from one of my favorite suits and found I couldn't button it. So, that night I did pilates at midnight. A few days later I'm wondering to myself, "Just exactly what did that accomplish?"- because I haven't bothered to exercise since.
I'm full of excuses why I don't have time to exercise, and truthfully, I have no idea how to stop that mind frame. I'm also full of reasons why I should- mostly complaints about the way I look- I am my worst critic. I never wanted to be that person who hated her body. I always swore I would stay in shape so I never had to feel like I didn't love my body. But...I didn't. Now it seems impossible to get back to where I was.
I'm not disillusioned into thinking that I'm going to ever look the same as I did in college. The fine lines under my eyes and the pregnancy have told me that much. I'd just like to get to where I can feel good in my clothes. Have a little bit flatter tummy, get my waistline back, and feel strong and healthy. This is something I would like to achieve soon so that I can pass that feeling on to Zoe. I want to get in shape for myself...but also for Love...and for Zoe.
She is watching me now. She's learning from me how to be a woman. She's watching me to see if I love and respect my body, or if I hate it. She's watching...and I'm not being a good example. I want to teach her to love her body...but the trouble is...I don't know where to start on myself...let alone my daughter. I need a plan...a winter plan. When it gets warm, I'll run again...but I don't want to wait that long. I want to stop feeling like a failure.
Needed to get that out. Thanks friends.
I've realized, though, that I've started a lot of different things over the last few years to try to lose weight, or at least get in better shape, and no matter what, I fail to complete it- or even keep it up for a reasonable amount of time. I am so frustrated with myself about this. Every day I look into the mirror before I step into the shower and suck in my stomach and try to push my fat about to see what it would be like to look more like an hourglass and less like an apple on a stick.
I am often found trying things on and then getting frustrated because yet another clothing item no longer fits. It's sort of funny sometimes that this weight issue seems so BIG to me because I'm really not THAT overweight. In fact, by most standards, I'm not overweight at all. It's just that, if I replaced the fat with muscle, I'd fit into things better and just generally FEEL better about myself. It's strange to look in the mirror and not recognize myself...or to look back to my college days and wonder where that girl went. That confident girl with the skinny waistline and the long flowing hair. She could conquer the world. I can't even conquer my body issues.
Poor Love is constantly having to reassure me that he still finds me attractive. I don't think he knows how deeply this body-hate goes. It's so different to see your body after it's been ravaged by pregnancy. I'll spare any Men in my audience from details, but nothing is ever the same. You feel like a shriveled up raisin. The other day I tried on the jacket from one of my favorite suits and found I couldn't button it. So, that night I did pilates at midnight. A few days later I'm wondering to myself, "Just exactly what did that accomplish?"- because I haven't bothered to exercise since.
I'm full of excuses why I don't have time to exercise, and truthfully, I have no idea how to stop that mind frame. I'm also full of reasons why I should- mostly complaints about the way I look- I am my worst critic. I never wanted to be that person who hated her body. I always swore I would stay in shape so I never had to feel like I didn't love my body. But...I didn't. Now it seems impossible to get back to where I was.
I'm not disillusioned into thinking that I'm going to ever look the same as I did in college. The fine lines under my eyes and the pregnancy have told me that much. I'd just like to get to where I can feel good in my clothes. Have a little bit flatter tummy, get my waistline back, and feel strong and healthy. This is something I would like to achieve soon so that I can pass that feeling on to Zoe. I want to get in shape for myself...but also for Love...and for Zoe.
She is watching me now. She's learning from me how to be a woman. She's watching me to see if I love and respect my body, or if I hate it. She's watching...and I'm not being a good example. I want to teach her to love her body...but the trouble is...I don't know where to start on myself...let alone my daughter. I need a plan...a winter plan. When it gets warm, I'll run again...but I don't want to wait that long. I want to stop feeling like a failure.
Needed to get that out. Thanks friends.
Happy Thanksgiving
I'm going to be honest with you. This has been a rough year for me and my
family. Truth be told, I will be especially grateful when it's over...and will
be hoping for a much better year to come. However, as our U.S. holiday creeps
up on me, I've been able to reflect over the wonderful things in my life and
wanted to share with you what I am thankful for. Since I'm in a silly mood, I
will do it as I spell out the word "Grateful"! (Bear with me.)
Gospel teachings. Heavenly Father is my rock. To try to live day to day without His wisdom, His guiding light, His comfort, His peace, His forgiveness is unfathomable to me. There have been many times in my life, and throughout this year, where I have turned to Him for help, comfort, or direction in my life and He has always been there for me. Also, I am thankful for Jesus Christ- for His example and especially his great atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world. I'm thankful for the knowledge I've gained and an increase in my spirituality this year. I'm also thankful for my trials because they push me to be better than I am.
Real friends are far and few between for many, but I have several. Some live closer to me than others, some I've only met in internet world, but all of you have touched my life for the better and have stuck by me through good times and bad. I want you to know that your constant support and encouragement is greatly appreciated. I consider myself so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. You all are the family that I chose!
A love of reading, of music, and of the arts. Books take me to far away places and let me explore life through the eyes of thousands of characters. I'm grateful that I love to read and that my daughter has grown to also love to read. Music touches my soul in a way I can't describe. I love all forms of music, dance and expression and I'm so grateful for not only my musical talent, but for the talent of all people in this world who have grabbed my heart with their music and movement. I love many forms of the arts and am grateful that so many of you share your artistic talents with me through the internet.
Toddlerhood. Zoe is my greatest gift. I love being her Mother. I love the laughter and joy that she brings to my life. She pushes my buttons and exercises my patience but, no matter how frustrated she makes me, I love her just the same. She is so smart and sweet and lovely. She continues to be my little miracle. I have enjoyed watching her grow and learn as she went from baby to toddler. I'm grateful for the sweet moments when I get an unexpected show of affection, a silly laugh, when she dances to the music, when she talks...I could go on and on. I thank Heavenly Father every day for entrusting her to my care. I love you Zoe!
Employment. My heart aches for those who don't have jobs or who are having financial troubles because of lowered wages or effects of the economy. It's easy to think of only yourself and your troubles...and I have been up until recently. Then I realized how incredibly blessed we are just to have stable employment. I am especially grateful for my work-from-home job. It allows me to prioritize my life the way I need to as a Mother and I couldn't be more thankful. Our jobs may only pay the bills and little more, but because of them I have a house, food, a car and the necessities of life. That is truly a blessing right now.
Family. I have a great love for my family- which includes the one I married into. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people that I call family. People that will be there to help me, no matter my need. People who love and accept me for who I am. People who love my daughter as much as I do. To my blood family, thank you for dropping everything when I come home so I can get in as much time as I can with you, thank you for your love, your support, your friendship, your phone calls, your concern and for always being there when I need you. To my in-laws, thank you for stepping in as my family lives far away, for providing me sisterly/brotherly love and advice, for accepting me into your family as one of your own, for babysitting, for your friendship and for your service and support. To all of you, I wouldn't be where I am without you and I love you all dearly.
Unceasing service from others and for the opportunity to serve. This year has presented me with so many wonderful opportunities to serve and receive service. Whether through church, to a friend or from a friend, to or from neighbors, to or from strangers, I have seen so much selfless love this year. Service is a way to help people feel loved, relieved, supported, acknowledged and cared for. I pray I will have many more opportunities to serve my fellowman and to experience the kind of love for every person that Heavenly Father has.
Love is my partner in life, he is my best friend, my lover, my confidant and my shoulder to cry on. Without him, my life would be incomplete. He treats me as his equal and loves me more than I ever thought possible. He supports me in my decisions and encourages my growth. He is an amazing Father. To watch him with Zoe is a constant joy to my heart. He works so hard to take care of our family. I'm so grateful I am married to him for ETERNITY! I love you, Love!
I hope each of you take a minute to express what you're grateful for this year, whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not. I hope those of you that do celebrate have a great time with your families and friends. Happy Thanksgiving!
Gospel teachings. Heavenly Father is my rock. To try to live day to day without His wisdom, His guiding light, His comfort, His peace, His forgiveness is unfathomable to me. There have been many times in my life, and throughout this year, where I have turned to Him for help, comfort, or direction in my life and He has always been there for me. Also, I am thankful for Jesus Christ- for His example and especially his great atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world. I'm thankful for the knowledge I've gained and an increase in my spirituality this year. I'm also thankful for my trials because they push me to be better than I am.
Real friends are far and few between for many, but I have several. Some live closer to me than others, some I've only met in internet world, but all of you have touched my life for the better and have stuck by me through good times and bad. I want you to know that your constant support and encouragement is greatly appreciated. I consider myself so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. You all are the family that I chose!
A love of reading, of music, and of the arts. Books take me to far away places and let me explore life through the eyes of thousands of characters. I'm grateful that I love to read and that my daughter has grown to also love to read. Music touches my soul in a way I can't describe. I love all forms of music, dance and expression and I'm so grateful for not only my musical talent, but for the talent of all people in this world who have grabbed my heart with their music and movement. I love many forms of the arts and am grateful that so many of you share your artistic talents with me through the internet.
Toddlerhood. Zoe is my greatest gift. I love being her Mother. I love the laughter and joy that she brings to my life. She pushes my buttons and exercises my patience but, no matter how frustrated she makes me, I love her just the same. She is so smart and sweet and lovely. She continues to be my little miracle. I have enjoyed watching her grow and learn as she went from baby to toddler. I'm grateful for the sweet moments when I get an unexpected show of affection, a silly laugh, when she dances to the music, when she talks...I could go on and on. I thank Heavenly Father every day for entrusting her to my care. I love you Zoe!
Employment. My heart aches for those who don't have jobs or who are having financial troubles because of lowered wages or effects of the economy. It's easy to think of only yourself and your troubles...and I have been up until recently. Then I realized how incredibly blessed we are just to have stable employment. I am especially grateful for my work-from-home job. It allows me to prioritize my life the way I need to as a Mother and I couldn't be more thankful. Our jobs may only pay the bills and little more, but because of them I have a house, food, a car and the necessities of life. That is truly a blessing right now.
Family. I have a great love for my family- which includes the one I married into. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people that I call family. People that will be there to help me, no matter my need. People who love and accept me for who I am. People who love my daughter as much as I do. To my blood family, thank you for dropping everything when I come home so I can get in as much time as I can with you, thank you for your love, your support, your friendship, your phone calls, your concern and for always being there when I need you. To my in-laws, thank you for stepping in as my family lives far away, for providing me sisterly/brotherly love and advice, for accepting me into your family as one of your own, for babysitting, for your friendship and for your service and support. To all of you, I wouldn't be where I am without you and I love you all dearly.
Unceasing service from others and for the opportunity to serve. This year has presented me with so many wonderful opportunities to serve and receive service. Whether through church, to a friend or from a friend, to or from neighbors, to or from strangers, I have seen so much selfless love this year. Service is a way to help people feel loved, relieved, supported, acknowledged and cared for. I pray I will have many more opportunities to serve my fellowman and to experience the kind of love for every person that Heavenly Father has.
Love is my partner in life, he is my best friend, my lover, my confidant and my shoulder to cry on. Without him, my life would be incomplete. He treats me as his equal and loves me more than I ever thought possible. He supports me in my decisions and encourages my growth. He is an amazing Father. To watch him with Zoe is a constant joy to my heart. He works so hard to take care of our family. I'm so grateful I am married to him for ETERNITY! I love you, Love!
I hope each of you take a minute to express what you're grateful for this year, whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not. I hope those of you that do celebrate have a great time with your families and friends. Happy Thanksgiving!
On the same page?
Recently I've had to make a few house rules for Zoe to keep her out of
trouble/ harm's way. Since I'm the one home with her most often I enforce those
rules, but sometimes forget to pass them on to Love. So the other day Love and
I were in the car and I brought it up:
Me: I think it would be a good idea to sit down and write out some house rules.
Love: ...
Me: It's just that I want to have it written out so that we're on the same page.
Love: I thought we were on the same page...or have you skipped ahead a few pages?
Me: Well...
Love: ...'cuz you tend to do that sometimes. I'm sitting there on page one and you've skipped ahead to like page 25. Or, I'm stuck in the pre-log...the...what is that before the first chapter? (Love hates to read.)
Me: The prologue?
Love: Yeah, I'm stuck in the prologue and you're on like chapter 5.
I guess I need to be better at communication???
Me: I think it would be a good idea to sit down and write out some house rules.
Love: ...
Me: It's just that I want to have it written out so that we're on the same page.
Love: I thought we were on the same page...or have you skipped ahead a few pages?
Me: Well...
Love: ...'cuz you tend to do that sometimes. I'm sitting there on page one and you've skipped ahead to like page 25. Or, I'm stuck in the pre-log...the...what is that before the first chapter? (Love hates to read.)
Me: The prologue?
Love: Yeah, I'm stuck in the prologue and you're on like chapter 5.
I guess I need to be better at communication???
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