Am I Doing This Right?

As a (relatively) new mother, I've come to the abrupt realization recently that I have no idea what I'm doing. Finally I realize why so many parents turn to other parents, mothers, parenting books and doctors for advice all the time. I think in the first year of life your main focus is to keep your kid alive. You have to make sure they are getting enough food, sleep, attention, playtime, etc. Then suddenly they begin to crawl and you must make sure to keep them out of harm's way and teach them how to master things like stairs and to refrain from using that chair that topples backwards to pull themselves up. You finally get to a point where you are trusting them more and more and then they start to walk. It's a whole new ballgame, walking. Suddenly, because they are mobile on two legs just like everyone else, they think they are big. They begin using their daily accumulated vocabulary not just to practice sounds, but to communicate ideas...or frustrations. They want to start doing things themselves and you want to let them. You try not to hover while they climb up the stairs and stand up dangerously close to the edge. You praise them for their good behavior and do your best to divert them from violent behavior (like hitting, scratching, and pinching), dangerous behavior (like running into the street), and annoying behavior (like screaming). Then you watch shows about a Fantastic English Caregiver who gives parents discipline coaching and see all these kids who's parents were just like you...doing their best to raise kids into productive members of society without really knowing how...and their kids went the complete opposite of their hopes. You see these little monsters and you think, "Oh, my kids will never be like that." How do you know??!! I sometimes see a stubbornness and defiance in my daughter at a tender age of 15 months that I didn't expect to encounter until her teen years and I wonder how I'm ever going to do this RIGHT. I don't want her to turn into a little monster because I let her get away with everything (which I don't)...yet I also don't want to be that overly controlling mother that every child hates because she won't let them be their own person. I want her to have all the opportunities in the world to choose from. I want her to be able to decide on her own what she likes and dislikes, what kind of person she wants to be, etc. I also want to pass on to her important pearls of wisdom I've strung around my neck over the years. How does one do all this right? If you know, I'd invite you to tell me. I'd guess that you don't. I don't think anyone does. In fact, I'm fairly certain every single parent in the world asks themselves after every parenting action, "Did I do that right? Did I do the best I could? Will I help them? Will I hinder them?" and so on. I guess I'll just do my best to try to live in the moment. Second guessing the past will do no good most of the time...and my hopes for her future are just that- hopes. It's likely that she'll go a completely different direction than I could ever imagine. It's likely there will be many mistakes, fun, heartache, joy, and surprises (happy and sad) over the course of her life. I'm sure she'll teach me more than I'll ever teach her. I just hope when she looks back on her youth she'll forget my mistakes and just see how much I love her and how much hope I will always have for her future.

Zoe Talks

Another taste of Zoe's talking skills. In this video she was particularly chatty. Unfortunately I had just finished taking pictures and switched to video so quickly to catch her mood that I forgot to turn the camera. So, sorry...again, you will have to turn your head to watch!

List

Updating in list form:
* I haven't posted for several reasons (you will see them as you read on). I've been super busy with work, new responsibilities, and trying desperately to keep up with the housework- easier to keep up than to deal with ransacked house and the end of the week.
* Zoe's had diarrhea for the last 3 days and a super painful, blistering bum-rash as a result. It breaks my heart to change her bum as she cries and screams "Nonononono!" every time I wipe her. It seems to be getting better though.
* This came after two weeks of cutting molars and a month of terrible naps. It's been a struggle to be a Mom lately. Fortunately, she is hilarious and I LOVE her so I have built a well of patience. I'll admit now that it's drying up. I hope she starts napping soon.
* Also in Zoe news (what? I'm home with her ALL DAY, EVERYDAY...what else would I talk about?) She is getting tubes in just-shy-of two weeks. I'm really nervous about the anesthesia and the surgery...but I'm hoping it will prevent multiple ear infections this Winter. I'd love to hear (happy) stories about this if you have them.
* I went the the Killers concert on Saturday with Love- got him the tickets for Father's Day and he said he'd only take me (they're nearly the only band we both like). I have to say, it was one of the best concerts I've ever been to. You hope a band you love will be awesome live and they did not disappoint. We heard a decent opening band (they didn't say their name clearly) and were surprised by a Mariachi band just before the Killers came on. I have to say, I like Mariachi music...it reminds me of home. However, maybe not the best idea at that kind of concert. Finally the Killers came on and from the start (after fixing some technical difficulties) it was a huge rush- literally. We were general admission floor and were fortunate enough to be maybe two rows behind the stage...except when we were nearly smashed flat as the Killers struck the first chord and the entire crowd surged forward. We kept our ground and once we sorted out our centimeters of space everyone was dancing and singing along. The best part was being there with Love...seeing him grin ear to ear was so worth it!
* I have finally (after several weeks of restarting) made it to week two of the Couch-to-5k running program. Knee injuries, sickness, lack of motivation, and general laziness have been my excuses...then I get out there and run and I truly enjoy it. The peace and quiet, the moon lighting my way, the stress relief...all of it. To tell the truth, I was feeling pretty good and had become comfortable with week one's routine. Week two kicked my butt yesterday, but it felt good to work a little harder. I'm certain if I keep at it, I'll continue to feel better about myself, increase my strength, and hopefully lose a little weight and get into better shape for the next pregnancy.
* We are trying again. No luck yet, but this time I haven't concerned myself with it too much. It's only been a couple months. I stay so busy with Zoe, Love, work, housework and with trying to do things for myself (read, run, play the piano, etc) that I can't dwell on it so much. Also, I refuse to be the paranoid person I was then- unwilling to do ANYTHING that could possibly keep me from getting pregnant...living in a cocoon...crying all the time. I don't know if it's because I already have one baby, or because I have doubts about how I will handle two kids, or if I'm just in a better place with myself, but I feel like my mind is healthier this time...it feels easier to let nature take it's course. I wonder sometimes if Love is worried I will become single-minded again. I don't want to...but of course it's early on and I don't know what will happen, so we'll see. I did learn with Zoe that a baby will come when it's time...and no sooner. I just hope I can remember it.
I think that'll do for now. Sorry, this list isn't really a list...I'm sure with very little tweaking I could make it into a regular post...but it's late so it's fine. What have you been up to?

Let's Get Movin'

Zoe has been taking one or two steps on her own for a week or so, but in the last few days she is a walking machine. Here's a small clip I captured...though she's gone much farther than this!

I don't know if I'm ready for this yet!

Slow Down

Summer is winding down into the slower pace of Fall. The air has a slight chill to it and the Fall aromas are beginning to perfume the nights. The universe is telling me to slow down in all facets of my life. Well, I haven't been listening. All summer long I have been busy working, cleaning, playing, stressing, trying to find that state of balance...that "equipoise" that I'm supposed to be looking for here. It seems that finding equipoise is not done by filling your day with projects, scheduling yourself, expecting perfection.

Ever since Zoe was born I've been trying to get my house spotless- you know, like I had it before. After a year of her life, I've finally realized that it's just not going to be...and that I have to learn to be ok with that. Obviously, it's going to take me a long time to do that, but knowing is half the battle right? On top of wantinga spotless house I am trying to be a perfect employee. I've been working from home since May- something that sort of just fell into my lap. Since it's something that is rare in my company, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it- which is a major stress all it's own. It's been a great blessing as it allows me to help support my family financially while also living my dream of being home with Zoe. Truth be told, though, it's a lot harder than I thought. I love my daughter, but sometimes I wish I could just escape to work, have less crying and more adult conversation. Before, when I was AT WORK part time, I could come home and truly focus on her...and on my days off I would get my cleaning and projects done during her naps. Now, I work during all of her naps so I find myself doing the cleaning and projects when I feel like I should be focusing on her. She is my priority...and I do play with her often and take her outside, read her books, let her explore, let her create...but sometimes I feel like I'm allowing my perfectionist nature about my house take up time I should be spending being an engaged parent. It's become really hard for me to find a balance in this.

As if I needed to add more, I've also decided recently that I needed to start doing things for myself before I had nothing at all to give to my children. I waited too long to make this decision and found myself slipping away as motherhood took over. So I've been trying to play the piano more, reading more often, and I began an exercise program- which brought on the universe's message:

SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

That message came loud and clear when I hurt my knees running the very first day of the program. I didn't listen...instead trying for two weeks to get them to feel better- going running despite the pain because I don't want to lose my motivation. Before and throughout that, Zoe got sick with a double ear infection just after finally adjusting to being weaned to a bottle. For weeks she's been whining, crying, clingy, and just generally unsatisfied. It was my hope that this would stop once the antibiotics had taken effect- not so. A few days after finishing the antibiotic a tooth popped through...ah, this must explain it. SO we administered teething tablets and meds at night for pain...still whining, clingy, and not sleeping so great. On top of all this I've been trying to reach my goals for the month for work and this is the final week of the month.

Yesterday, I decided to walk instead of run and my knees are feeling better. This evening I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and Zoe was all but climbing up my legs and crying. Finally I left the dishes, picked her up and we went into the living room and played for a while before bedtime. She stopped crying and that's when it hit me. I need to slow down. I need to continue my workouts but take a slower pace. I need to worry less about perfection and more about getting it done so I can have fun with my daughter. I need to focus on work when I'm working and leave it upstairs when I'm not. Finally, I need to take things a day at a time. Give myself daily goals, yes, but allow myself to decide daily how best to spend my time. Children grow too fast, knees aren't made of steel, I am not wonder woman, as long as it's sanitary, the mess can wait. So yeah, Universe, I got your message...loud and clear...slowing down now.

As a reward for making it through my long-winded ramblings here's some Equipoise family news: We're officially trying to conceive...again. I have more to say on this subject, but that is another post. Until then, slow down

Zoe 13 Months

I know everyone has been waiting anxiously for a Zoe update. I don't know why I hold myself to things I cannot possibly accomplish. So rather than never post another update...we are just going to skip all those months we missed and start fresh.
Zoe is hilarious. She makes me laugh every single day. She absolutely loves music. You'll find her dancing all the time. When she hears a song she knows she'll give you a gigantic open mouth smile and promptly dance to her heart's content. Funnily enough her two favorite songs currently are: "Lollipop" which she heard on the new Dell commercial and the intro song to Gilmore Girls. (I'm too lazy to link.) I have both recorded on the DVR. :) She also watches bits of Sesame Street and has a great fondness for Elmo. She says quite a few words nowadays. Life sure is a bit easier with words like "Yes", "Done", "No", "Mama", "Dada", "Wah (water or walk)", "Bah" (bottle, ball, or balloon :)), "Down" and "Desitin (not exact but so close)". She will also say "woof woof" if you ask her what a puppy says, give you "five", will try to make a fish face if you ask, and her elephant sound is priceless (basically she makes raspberries). She is trying so hard to walk. She's taken up to 3 steps so far and falls...but that doesn't stop her from getting up and trying again. She has a couple baby walkers to push along and practice. She likes to go outside (she'll go to the door or window and say "ou sa" (outside) when she wants to go out) and walk up and down the sidewalks- where she stays. She's still not a huge fan of grass, though she has ventured onto and across it a few times in recent weeks (progress!). Recently she started knocking on everything from the front door to her head. So funny! She's starting to be helpful. If she finds a rag or towel on the floor she will "clean" it for you. She helps me pick up toys and other things around the house. She likes to take the silverware out of the dishwasher to "help" me put it back. She also loves books. Often you will find her on the floor with a book in her lap "reading" aloud to herself. I hope her early love for books continues throughout her life as mine has. She is very loving, giving us hugs and puckered kisses often when asked and sometimes unprovoked. She is sweet and mellow (for the most part) and I just can't get enough of her little personality. My favorite new thing is she will sit on the linoleum and use her extended feet/legs to propel herself around in circles. She loves her Daddy. She knows the sound of the garage and will rush to the door to greet him when he gets home. Then she gets upset when he goes upstairs to change. She tests limits often, just to see if I'm paying attention, has no patience, and hates to be left alone...making for a few rough days here and there. She also started hitting for a while (still does occasionally) but we taught her to gently stroke your face and say "so soft" (or "sa sa" in her words) instead. But she's young and she's learning and the good outweighs the bad most of the time. We couldn't imagine life without her.
Here are some highlights of the last few months:

Sleepy little 8-month-old

Playing

Little Drummer Girl

Playing in the crib

Zoe with Grandpa S when his Father (my Grandpa) passed away (9 months)

Playing with cousin B at Grandma D's house

Tired, but enjoying Easter spoils

Easter Egg hunt (eat?) with Mom's help

Family Picture Easter Sunday

Zoe likes to keep her hands free

Cousin B turned 1 and I'm almost 10 months!



Dancing to the music

The littlest fairy fast asleep at my sister's wedding (nearly 11 months)

Ahh! Comfy pillow!

Opening Birthday Presents on the actual day (she loves books!)

"The Mean Face"

Playing with new toys!

Make a 1st Birthday Wish!

Fireworks are fun! (For Mom too!)

Independence Day trying fruit dip

Family/ Friends Party to celebrate Zoe's Birthday

Enjoying her gifts- thanks so much everyone!

First time getting wet outside. (The dress is darker on the bottom, but not that dark. See the wet spot behind her?)

Enjoying a good book

The artist at work

Her first masterpiece

Goodbye Uncle E! See you in 2 years!

Standing up on her own

Nearly 13 months old!
Zoe, one day when you read this and wonder why it took me so long, know that I was with you instead.
Love,
Mama

Sweat

As much as I hate it, there's nothing quite like knowing you worked your muscles hard enough to heat them up and cause you to sweat. Recently I have stopped merely complaining about my weight and started to do something about it. I'm paying attention to the amount of calories I put in my body and I've been working on fitting exercise into my schedule. Neither have been easy and I haven't been perfect. I decided, however, that perfection does not matter. I'm simply proud to be doing SOMETHING. I've been on a few walks...a couple with Zoe, but we're going to wait on that until it cools a bit before she goes with me again. Tonight I decided to try running again...it's been a while. As hard as it was, and as many times as I slowed to a walk, it still felt so good to really get my muscles moving. I had forgotten my favorite parts: the wind rushing past my ears, the tightening of my abs, the burning in my thighs, the steady rhythm of my breathing as my music paced my feet. I was determined to go today, so I ran in the dark- which I don't recommend as I listened to my music quietly and was so alert the whole time I couldn't fully enjoy the release of running- but at least I went. As I sit here, still feeling the burn of my lungs, I feel accomplished...and ready to do a little better tomorrow.

P.S. I really appreciate everyone's comments on my last post. As you've probably guessed by the running, I'm feeling much better now. :)