Doubt Confirmed
Well, my doubts about being pregnant have been confirmed. I woke up to find
that evil red stuff and have been sulking around most of the day. Somehow I
knew a few days ago that I wasn’t pregnant…which, I think, did it’s part in
building a solid wall against my emotions. I have prayed that if I can’t be
pregnant, that I can at least feel comforted. Well, I am actually doing O.K.
While I’m feeling a little down, I didn’t fall apart this morning. My exact
words to my husband were, “Well, that’s that!” Is it normal to feel this
nonchalant about it? I suppose after a year of failure, you learn to deal with
it. Every month feels less and less like a major loss. Maybe I was just being
prepared for what I’ll have to deal with while going to the fertility doctor.
I’ll need a strong wall to get through the next few months. The appointment is
Friday. Details then.
Signs and Signals
Just a preface, I share a lot of personal woman information on this one. You
have been warned.
Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, but I am convinced I have accomplished pregnancy this month. I have about 10-12 days before I’ll know for sure, but my boobs are KILLING me, and they feel really heavy and seem bigger than normal. I had- I think (it’s the only explanation I can think of)- what’s called implantation bleeding, mostly because it’s too early to even have an early period. I have had to pee way more often than normal, which COULD be explained by my increased water drinking…but I have been extremely thirsty lately and just really can’t get enough water. I am tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. My lower abdomen feels strange…like something is tugging lightly on my insides. Overall, I just can tell something is different. Granted, I could be imagining all of this. It’s possible that I miscalculated my cycle and things are just starting a little early. There’s also a chance that I am not crazy, and I really am pregnant. For a couple more weeks, I just won’t know. I am trying not to let myself believe it. I keep reminding myself that it hasn’t happened in 11 months and it may not happen now. I’ll continue to hope that it does, and keep you posted if/ when I find out. Keep us in your prayers!
Author's Note: Originally Published April 2, 2007
Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, but I am convinced I have accomplished pregnancy this month. I have about 10-12 days before I’ll know for sure, but my boobs are KILLING me, and they feel really heavy and seem bigger than normal. I had- I think (it’s the only explanation I can think of)- what’s called implantation bleeding, mostly because it’s too early to even have an early period. I have had to pee way more often than normal, which COULD be explained by my increased water drinking…but I have been extremely thirsty lately and just really can’t get enough water. I am tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. My lower abdomen feels strange…like something is tugging lightly on my insides. Overall, I just can tell something is different. Granted, I could be imagining all of this. It’s possible that I miscalculated my cycle and things are just starting a little early. There’s also a chance that I am not crazy, and I really am pregnant. For a couple more weeks, I just won’t know. I am trying not to let myself believe it. I keep reminding myself that it hasn’t happened in 11 months and it may not happen now. I’ll continue to hope that it does, and keep you posted if/ when I find out. Keep us in your prayers!
Author's Note: Originally Published April 2, 2007
Doubt
I know this seems to be a played out subject to some, but it’s all that’s on
my mind this week. I am starting to doubt my earlier feelings that I was, in
fact, pregnant. I don’t know for sure yet, but my logical mind is telling me
that, statistically, there’s no way I can be pregnant. According to my
statistics, I have gone 11 months without getting pregnant, so how is it
possible for me to get pregnant in the 12th? I’m starting to doubt my
capability of dealing with being put outside of the “most couples get pregnant
within 6 months to 1 year” pool. I have started worrying about how I’ll deal
with taking fertility drugs. What if they don’t work? What if I have to do
IVF? How will I emotionally deal with knowing EACH AND EVERY TIME a pregnancy
doesn’t stick? It’s possible I could have miscarried several times during the
last year, without even knowing. What will it be like to KNOW each time your
body failed? I know I am getting ahead of myself, but my worrisome nature just
can’t let it go. I guess we’ll find out what my emotions will do when the time
comes.
Turn That Frown Upside Down
Today I am smiling after, what I like to call, my “sad day” yesterday. Have
you ever awakened and just felt like you were on the verge of tears? Like your
nerves are shot, your motivation is gone, and if anyone asks you about it hot
tears immediately roll down your cheeks? Well, every so often I have one of
those days. “Sad days” are hard to explain to other people- mostly because I
usually don’t have any good reason to be sad. Perhaps if I was able to reach
way down into my subconscious, I might have figured out why I felt so terrible.
Unfortunately, the subconscious is difficult to find unless you know how to
hypnotize yourself…
To make matters worse, we had impromptu interviews with our Manager at work yesterday to discuss our progress. Unfortunately, my progress this month is far less than phenomenal. So, of course, I had glistening eyes as I brought up some of the weaknesses and trials I had experienced during the past month. As we discussed what I could try to change to overcome my problems I tried to hide my glassy eyes behind my bangs , thinking it was working pretty well, until he asked me if I had some “stuff” going on. I could feel the tears welling up as I said- in the least undulating voice I could manage- “I’m just having a hard time today.” Can I just say how much I HATE to cry in front of people?
A little background into this man will help a little here: he is always nice, but never reveals anything about himself to us…and we don’t reveal anything to him. I’m not sure he doesn’t want to know, but he’s never been very approachable and I often get the feeling that he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t check on us, we are left to our own motivation and structure in our workday. So, I was a little more than surprised when he told me he knew how I felt, and if I needed a day off, or if there was anything he could do, to let him know. I tried to hide the shock in my face- which, thankfully, had masked the redness that accompanies my tears- thanked him and went back to my cubicle. Once there, I let the tears fall freely, feeling safe in my three little walls.
A few hours later my life-saver friend decided we all needed to go to lunch for her 8 year (wow) anniversary working there. How did she know I needed a break yesterday? It was so nice to get out, eat and laugh. From there, my day got a little better. I was nearly myself by the time I arrived home. I awoke this morning feeling normal- not ecstatic to leave my cozy bed, but normal, with no leaky faucets to be found. So, I hope everyone has a reason to smile today. After all, it is Friday, and the weather is perfect!
To make matters worse, we had impromptu interviews with our Manager at work yesterday to discuss our progress. Unfortunately, my progress this month is far less than phenomenal. So, of course, I had glistening eyes as I brought up some of the weaknesses and trials I had experienced during the past month. As we discussed what I could try to change to overcome my problems I tried to hide my glassy eyes behind my bangs , thinking it was working pretty well, until he asked me if I had some “stuff” going on. I could feel the tears welling up as I said- in the least undulating voice I could manage- “I’m just having a hard time today.” Can I just say how much I HATE to cry in front of people?
A little background into this man will help a little here: he is always nice, but never reveals anything about himself to us…and we don’t reveal anything to him. I’m not sure he doesn’t want to know, but he’s never been very approachable and I often get the feeling that he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t check on us, we are left to our own motivation and structure in our workday. So, I was a little more than surprised when he told me he knew how I felt, and if I needed a day off, or if there was anything he could do, to let him know. I tried to hide the shock in my face- which, thankfully, had masked the redness that accompanies my tears- thanked him and went back to my cubicle. Once there, I let the tears fall freely, feeling safe in my three little walls.
A few hours later my life-saver friend decided we all needed to go to lunch for her 8 year (wow) anniversary working there. How did she know I needed a break yesterday? It was so nice to get out, eat and laugh. From there, my day got a little better. I was nearly myself by the time I arrived home. I awoke this morning feeling normal- not ecstatic to leave my cozy bed, but normal, with no leaky faucets to be found. So, I hope everyone has a reason to smile today. After all, it is Friday, and the weather is perfect!
Winter Into Spring
I have been trying for a week to find a spare minute to write about my little nature walk with Matt and my camera last Saturday. Finally, I have found the time.
Saturday was absolutely beautiful! It was the first warm, sunny weekend we’ve had in what seems like eternity. We decided it would be fun to explore the river trail behind our house. We left and just kind of dawdled along down the trail, stopping to take a few pictures here and there. Unfortunately, my silly camera has a way of taking pictures the way it sees things and not the way I see things…which is why there are so few pictures on this site to date. I’ll try and have a talk with my camera though, and see if we can compromise a little so I can remedy that situation. Anyway, I came across a little alcove of trees around the very first bend and just had to take a picture. What do you think?
This photo I was actually looking for. There are so few places I have seen in Salt Lake City where the little shoots of grass are desperately trying to poke their way through the dead foliage left behind after a long winter. I found this little patch of grass and just had to capture it. I can’t wait until I see some colorful blossoms adorning our trees!
The funniest thing that happened on our walk was a little conversation I had with Matt…oh how I wish I had taken a picture! (Mind you, it’s been a week, so this won’t be word for word.)
Matt: “I think that’s a beaver!”
Me: “Where?”
Matt: (points at the river) “Right there!”
Me: “I think that’s a stick…”
Matt: “NO, it’s a beaver!” (runs to the riverbank for a closer look.)
Me: “What is it?”
Matt: (looks defeated) “It’s a stick…”
Well, I thought it was funny, especially because he was still groggy from a late afternoon nap and, up until then, had barely dragged his feet down the trail. The sight of the “beaver” got him running like a kindergartener to an ice cream truck in summer.
This last one was actually found by Matt, I just took the picture…enjoy!
Author's Note: Originally Published March 19, 2007
Fleeting Thoughts
Like a sweet breeze across a humid
day
Thoughts of you brush across my mind
Rushing to the aid of my sweltering worry
Life paused for your memory
Through the bustle of day-to-day
You break my concentration briefly
To bring a smile to my face
And then a tear
Your presence bringing mixed emotion
First love then sadness
From our first kiss
To your last day breathing
Sometimes, I feel you here
To dry my moistened eyes
You are my handkerchief
I can live another day
(All poetry published on this site is mine. If you quote, please leave a link back to the original post. Thank you!)
Thoughts of you brush across my mind
Rushing to the aid of my sweltering worry
Life paused for your memory
Through the bustle of day-to-day
You break my concentration briefly
To bring a smile to my face
And then a tear
Your presence bringing mixed emotion
First love then sadness
From our first kiss
To your last day breathing
Sometimes, I feel you here
To dry my moistened eyes
You are my handkerchief
I can live another day
(All poetry published on this site is mine. If you quote, please leave a link back to the original post. Thank you!)
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