Summer is winding down into the slower pace of Fall. The air has a slight chill to it and the Fall aromas are beginning to perfume the nights. The universe is telling me to slow down in all facets of my life. Well, I haven't been listening. All summer long I have been busy working, cleaning, playing, stressing, trying to find that state of balance...that "equipoise" that I'm supposed to be looking for here. It seems that finding equipoise is not done by filling your day with projects, scheduling yourself, expecting perfection.
Ever since Zoe was born I've been trying to get my house spotless- you know, like I had it before. After a year of her life, I've finally realized that it's just not going to be...and that I have to learn to be ok with that. Obviously, it's going to take me a long time to do that, but knowing is half the battle right? On top of wantinga spotless house I am trying to be a perfect employee. I've been working from home since May- something that sort of just fell into my lap. Since it's something that is rare in my company, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it- which is a major stress all it's own. It's been a great blessing as it allows me to help support my family financially while also living my dream of being home with Zoe. Truth be told, though, it's a lot harder than I thought. I love my daughter, but sometimes I wish I could just escape to work, have less crying and more adult conversation. Before, when I was AT WORK part time, I could come home and truly focus on her...and on my days off I would get my cleaning and projects done during her naps. Now, I work during all of her naps so I find myself doing the cleaning and projects when I feel like I should be focusing on her. She is my priority...and I do play with her often and take her outside, read her books, let her explore, let her create...but sometimes I feel like I'm allowing my perfectionist nature about my house take up time I should be spending being an engaged parent. It's become really hard for me to find a balance in this.
As if I needed to add more, I've also decided recently that I needed to start doing things for myself before I had nothing at all to give to my children. I waited too long to make this decision and found myself slipping away as motherhood took over. So I've been trying to play the piano more, reading more often, and I began an exercise program- which brought on the universe's message:
SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!
That message came loud and clear when I hurt my knees running the very first day of the program. I didn't listen...instead trying for two weeks to get them to feel better- going running despite the pain because I don't want to lose my motivation. Before and throughout that, Zoe got sick with a double ear infection just after finally adjusting to being weaned to a bottle. For weeks she's been whining, crying, clingy, and just generally unsatisfied. It was my hope that this would stop once the antibiotics had taken effect- not so. A few days after finishing the antibiotic a tooth popped through...ah, this must explain it. SO we administered teething tablets and meds at night for pain...still whining, clingy, and not sleeping so great. On top of all this I've been trying to reach my goals for the month for work and this is the final week of the month.
Yesterday, I decided to walk instead of run and my knees are feeling better. This evening I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and Zoe was all but climbing up my legs and crying. Finally I left the dishes, picked her up and we went into the living room and played for a while before bedtime. She stopped crying and that's when it hit me. I need to slow down. I need to continue my workouts but take a slower pace. I need to worry less about perfection and more about getting it done so I can have fun with my daughter. I need to focus on work when I'm working and leave it upstairs when I'm not. Finally, I need to take things a day at a time. Give myself daily goals, yes, but allow myself to decide daily how best to spend my time. Children grow too fast, knees aren't made of steel, I am not wonder woman, as long as it's sanitary, the mess can wait. So yeah, Universe, I got your message...loud and clear...slowing down now.
As a reward for making it through my long-winded ramblings here's some Equipoise family news: We're officially trying to conceive...again. I have more to say on this subject, but that is another post. Until then, slow down
Zoe 13 Months
I know everyone has been waiting anxiously for a Zoe update. I don't know why I hold myself to things I cannot possibly accomplish. So rather than never post another update...we are just going to skip all those months we missed and start fresh.
Zoe is hilarious. She makes me laugh every single day. She absolutely loves music. You'll find her dancing all the time. When she hears a song she knows she'll give you a gigantic open mouth smile and promptly dance to her heart's content. Funnily enough her two favorite songs currently are: "Lollipop" which she heard on the new Dell commercial and the intro song to Gilmore Girls. (I'm too lazy to link.) I have both recorded on the DVR. :) She also watches bits of Sesame Street and has a great fondness for Elmo. She says quite a few words nowadays. Life sure is a bit easier with words like "Yes", "Done", "No", "Mama", "Dada", "Wah (water or walk)", "Bah" (bottle, ball, or balloon :)), "Down" and "Desitin (not exact but so close)". She will also say "woof woof" if you ask her what a puppy says, give you "five", will try to make a fish face if you ask, and her elephant sound is priceless (basically she makes raspberries). She is trying so hard to walk. She's taken up to 3 steps so far and falls...but that doesn't stop her from getting up and trying again. She has a couple baby walkers to push along and practice. She likes to go outside (she'll go to the door or window and say "ou sa" (outside) when she wants to go out) and walk up and down the sidewalks- where she stays. She's still not a huge fan of grass, though she has ventured onto and across it a few times in recent weeks (progress!). Recently she started knocking on everything from the front door to her head. So funny! She's starting to be helpful. If she finds a rag or towel on the floor she will "clean" it for you. She helps me pick up toys and other things around the house. She likes to take the silverware out of the dishwasher to "help" me put it back. She also loves books. Often you will find her on the floor with a book in her lap "reading" aloud to herself. I hope her early love for books continues throughout her life as mine has. She is very loving, giving us hugs and puckered kisses often when asked and sometimes unprovoked. She is sweet and mellow (for the most part) and I just can't get enough of her little personality. My favorite new thing is she will sit on the linoleum and use her extended feet/legs to propel herself around in circles. She loves her Daddy. She knows the sound of the garage and will rush to the door to greet him when he gets home. Then she gets upset when he goes upstairs to change. She tests limits often, just to see if I'm paying attention, has no patience, and hates to be left alone...making for a few rough days here and there. She also started hitting for a while (still does occasionally) but we taught her to gently stroke your face and say "so soft" (or "sa sa" in her words) instead. But she's young and she's learning and the good outweighs the bad most of the time. We couldn't imagine life without her.
Here are some highlights of the last few months:
Sleepy little 8-month-old
Playing
Little Drummer Girl
Playing in the crib
Zoe with Grandpa S when his Father (my Grandpa) passed away (9 months)
Playing with cousin B at Grandma D's house
Tired, but enjoying Easter spoils
Easter Egg hunt (eat?) with Mom's help
Family Picture Easter Sunday
Zoe likes to keep her hands free
Cousin B turned 1 and I'm almost 10 months!
Dancing to the music
The littlest fairy fast asleep at my sister's wedding (nearly 11 months)
Ahh! Comfy pillow!
Opening Birthday Presents on the actual day (she loves books!)
"The Mean Face"
Playing with new toys!
Make a 1st Birthday Wish!
Fireworks are fun! (For Mom too!)
Independence Day trying fruit dip
Family/ Friends Party to celebrate Zoe's Birthday
Enjoying her gifts- thanks so much everyone!
First time getting wet outside. (The dress is darker on the bottom, but not that dark. See the wet spot behind her?)
Enjoying a good book
The artist at work
Her first masterpiece
Goodbye Uncle E! See you in 2 years!
Standing up on her own
Nearly 13 months old!
Zoe, one day when you read this and wonder why it took me so long, know that I was with you instead.
Love,
Mama
Zoe is hilarious. She makes me laugh every single day. She absolutely loves music. You'll find her dancing all the time. When she hears a song she knows she'll give you a gigantic open mouth smile and promptly dance to her heart's content. Funnily enough her two favorite songs currently are: "Lollipop" which she heard on the new Dell commercial and the intro song to Gilmore Girls. (I'm too lazy to link.) I have both recorded on the DVR. :) She also watches bits of Sesame Street and has a great fondness for Elmo. She says quite a few words nowadays. Life sure is a bit easier with words like "Yes", "Done", "No", "Mama", "Dada", "Wah (water or walk)", "Bah" (bottle, ball, or balloon :)), "Down" and "Desitin (not exact but so close)". She will also say "woof woof" if you ask her what a puppy says, give you "five", will try to make a fish face if you ask, and her elephant sound is priceless (basically she makes raspberries). She is trying so hard to walk. She's taken up to 3 steps so far and falls...but that doesn't stop her from getting up and trying again. She has a couple baby walkers to push along and practice. She likes to go outside (she'll go to the door or window and say "ou sa" (outside) when she wants to go out) and walk up and down the sidewalks- where she stays. She's still not a huge fan of grass, though she has ventured onto and across it a few times in recent weeks (progress!). Recently she started knocking on everything from the front door to her head. So funny! She's starting to be helpful. If she finds a rag or towel on the floor she will "clean" it for you. She helps me pick up toys and other things around the house. She likes to take the silverware out of the dishwasher to "help" me put it back. She also loves books. Often you will find her on the floor with a book in her lap "reading" aloud to herself. I hope her early love for books continues throughout her life as mine has. She is very loving, giving us hugs and puckered kisses often when asked and sometimes unprovoked. She is sweet and mellow (for the most part) and I just can't get enough of her little personality. My favorite new thing is she will sit on the linoleum and use her extended feet/legs to propel herself around in circles. She loves her Daddy. She knows the sound of the garage and will rush to the door to greet him when he gets home. Then she gets upset when he goes upstairs to change. She tests limits often, just to see if I'm paying attention, has no patience, and hates to be left alone...making for a few rough days here and there. She also started hitting for a while (still does occasionally) but we taught her to gently stroke your face and say "so soft" (or "sa sa" in her words) instead. But she's young and she's learning and the good outweighs the bad most of the time. We couldn't imagine life without her.
Here are some highlights of the last few months:
Sleepy little 8-month-old
Playing
Little Drummer Girl
Playing in the crib
Zoe with Grandpa S when his Father (my Grandpa) passed away (9 months)
Playing with cousin B at Grandma D's house
Tired, but enjoying Easter spoils
Easter Egg hunt (eat?) with Mom's help
Family Picture Easter Sunday
Zoe likes to keep her hands free
Cousin B turned 1 and I'm almost 10 months!
Dancing to the music
The littlest fairy fast asleep at my sister's wedding (nearly 11 months)
Ahh! Comfy pillow!
Opening Birthday Presents on the actual day (she loves books!)
"The Mean Face"
Playing with new toys!
Make a 1st Birthday Wish!
Fireworks are fun! (For Mom too!)
Independence Day trying fruit dip
Family/ Friends Party to celebrate Zoe's Birthday
Enjoying her gifts- thanks so much everyone!
First time getting wet outside. (The dress is darker on the bottom, but not that dark. See the wet spot behind her?)
Enjoying a good book
The artist at work
Her first masterpiece
Goodbye Uncle E! See you in 2 years!
Standing up on her own
Nearly 13 months old!
Zoe, one day when you read this and wonder why it took me so long, know that I was with you instead.
Love,
Mama
Sweat
As much as I hate it, there's nothing quite like knowing you worked your muscles hard enough to heat them up and cause you to sweat. Recently I have stopped merely complaining about my weight and started to do something about it. I'm paying attention to the amount of calories I put in my body and I've been working on fitting exercise into my schedule. Neither have been easy and I haven't been perfect. I decided, however, that perfection does not matter. I'm simply proud to be doing SOMETHING. I've been on a few walks...a couple with Zoe, but we're going to wait on that until it cools a bit before she goes with me again. Tonight I decided to try running again...it's been a while. As hard as it was, and as many times as I slowed to a walk, it still felt so good to really get my muscles moving. I had forgotten my favorite parts: the wind rushing past my ears, the tightening of my abs, the burning in my thighs, the steady rhythm of my breathing as my music paced my feet. I was determined to go today, so I ran in the dark- which I don't recommend as I listened to my music quietly and was so alert the whole time I couldn't fully enjoy the release of running- but at least I went. As I sit here, still feeling the burn of my lungs, I feel accomplished...and ready to do a little better tomorrow.
P.S. I really appreciate everyone's comments on my last post. As you've probably guessed by the running, I'm feeling much better now. :)
P.S. I really appreciate everyone's comments on my last post. As you've probably guessed by the running, I'm feeling much better now. :)
Ouch
Around 11 monthsof age Zoe had to visit the doctor for yet another illness. At that time I decided to ask the doctor how and when I should begin weaning Zoe to cow's milk if I wanted to be finished breastfeeding around her 1-year mark. The doctor told me to wean her gradually, for example...one feeding per week, until she was completely weaned. She also told me that I could start right away and to try to wean her to a cup since she already uses one for water.
Zoe was not fond of the cup idea.
Actually, that's putting it lightly. She absolutely HATED the cup...to the point that it took me a few days to get her drinking water properly again.
To counter this reaction we thought we might buy her new cups just for milk. We took her along with us to the store, picked out a cup, and left feeling pretty confident.
No deals. This kid was not weaning to a cup...unless I wanted to take 5 months to stop breastfeeding.
SO, we weaned her to a bottle...fairly easily. It took us 6 weeks. There were a couple feedings that took her longer to give up...mainly breakfast and lunch. (The doctor wasn't thrilled that we went to a bottle...said we'd taken a step backwards. Yeah.)
Admittedly, bedtime still isn't all calm and serene. She went to bed
SCREAMING.BLOODY.MURDER. several nights last week. It's only been just over a week on the night-time feedings though. I think she'll be fine in the next few days.
Now to the point.
Here I was thinking that was the end of it. It's not, my friends...it's the beginning...of the pain.
My thought process was that, since I had weaned her gradually over a six week period- and hadn't had much if any pain yet, that my milk would just stop coming in. Well here I sit a week and a half after her last latching and I can't hardly hold her, or hug anyone, or be touched. I sat on my couch for two hours with a heating pad today- trying to sooth a clogged milk duct (pain on top of pain). I called the nurse who said it could be a good two weeks before I get any relief! I tried taking ibuprofen, hoping it might take the edge off...it didn't touch it. I'm to the point where I wonder if I really should have stopped nursing at one year. There were reasons...something to the effect of trying to conceive again soon (in case it takes forever again) and having my body belong to me again for a bit (which is nice, I must say). In any case, here I sit...dreading bed after being awakened by a wrong move several times last night. I hope this is over soon.
Moms...experiences? advice? consolation? Talk amongst yourselves
Zoe was not fond of the cup idea.
Actually, that's putting it lightly. She absolutely HATED the cup...to the point that it took me a few days to get her drinking water properly again.
To counter this reaction we thought we might buy her new cups just for milk. We took her along with us to the store, picked out a cup, and left feeling pretty confident.
No deals. This kid was not weaning to a cup...unless I wanted to take 5 months to stop breastfeeding.
SO, we weaned her to a bottle...fairly easily. It took us 6 weeks. There were a couple feedings that took her longer to give up...mainly breakfast and lunch. (The doctor wasn't thrilled that we went to a bottle...said we'd taken a step backwards. Yeah.)
Admittedly, bedtime still isn't all calm and serene. She went to bed
SCREAMING.BLOODY.MURDER. several nights last week. It's only been just over a week on the night-time feedings though. I think she'll be fine in the next few days.
Now to the point.
Here I was thinking that was the end of it. It's not, my friends...it's the beginning...of the pain.
My thought process was that, since I had weaned her gradually over a six week period- and hadn't had much if any pain yet, that my milk would just stop coming in. Well here I sit a week and a half after her last latching and I can't hardly hold her, or hug anyone, or be touched. I sat on my couch for two hours with a heating pad today- trying to sooth a clogged milk duct (pain on top of pain). I called the nurse who said it could be a good two weeks before I get any relief! I tried taking ibuprofen, hoping it might take the edge off...it didn't touch it. I'm to the point where I wonder if I really should have stopped nursing at one year. There were reasons...something to the effect of trying to conceive again soon (in case it takes forever again) and having my body belong to me again for a bit (which is nice, I must say). In any case, here I sit...dreading bed after being awakened by a wrong move several times last night. I hope this is over soon.
Moms...experiences? advice? consolation? Talk amongst yourselves
Happy First Birthday, Zoe!
Tuesday, June 30th, we celebrated Zoe's First Birthday with a few presents and a little family party. We'll be having a larger family and friends party on Sunday in the park. She really enjoyed her first birthday cake:
She has grown in so many ways by leaps and bounds this year. More pictures and updates of the past few months to come. For now, Happy Birthday Zoe! We love you!
All Done!
Zoe is becoming quite the conversationalist! Here she is after the birthday cake! (For some reason I couldn't get both videos to work on the same post! Grr.)
Returning Sheepishly
I know it's been a long silence. I'm happy to report that I'm better...things are better. The troubles are not over, but they have settled for now...enough that I can think of other things. I'm not trying to be cryptic, it's just private. Anyhow, I decided it's high time I get back to writing.
Recently, I started working from home. The first week was extremely overwhelming. I often found myself wondering why I thought it would be a good idea. Suddenly Zoe's naps, that had formerly been my time, became work time and all my rest and house cleaning went out the window. Well, ok, maybe not out the window. If you asked Love he'd say it was pretty clearly strewn about the house...but you get my drift. After the first week I figured out that I could accomplish things when Zoe was awake and still make time to play with her and be attentive, I could ask Love for some "Me time" when he got home, and I could do this. Why? I am now (except for one day a week) a "stay-at-home" Mom. This is something you all know I've been wanting since Zoe was born. It's not quite what I thought it would be, but it is what it is and I couldn't be happier to be home with my sweet baby girl.
Speaking of my sweet baby girl...she is about to be one. You don't have to remind me that I've been a total slacker and haven't posted a monthly update in ages. I promise it's coming. Right now I'm super busy working and trying to soak up the last two weeks of her first year of life. I find myself tearing up some days at the thought of how fast and how much she's grown. Yet I'm so proud to be her Mother...to see her day to day accomplishments...to make her laugh...comfort her sadness...and cheer her on. I'm also trying to plan a little family/ close friends party. This is not as easy as one might think. Any advice on this subject is welcome.
I'm looking forward to a few things. My Sis and her Husband are coming up to visit us on the 4th of July weekend! My Brother is going on a mission to Carlsbad, CA in a little over a month- he got his mission call when I was home for my Little Sis's wedding. I get to go home in a little less than a month to see my family. I'm not thrilled that he'll be gone for two years because I'm really going to miss him...but he's doing an amazing thing and I'm so proud of him.
I know it's not a thorough update, but it's late and I need to hit the sack so I can start again tomorrow. More to come...and thanks for sticking around. Your comments meant a lot to me.
And just because I know a couple people who are dying to see her...an updated picture of Zoe to swoon over. :)
Recently, I started working from home. The first week was extremely overwhelming. I often found myself wondering why I thought it would be a good idea. Suddenly Zoe's naps, that had formerly been my time, became work time and all my rest and house cleaning went out the window. Well, ok, maybe not out the window. If you asked Love he'd say it was pretty clearly strewn about the house...but you get my drift. After the first week I figured out that I could accomplish things when Zoe was awake and still make time to play with her and be attentive, I could ask Love for some "Me time" when he got home, and I could do this. Why? I am now (except for one day a week) a "stay-at-home" Mom. This is something you all know I've been wanting since Zoe was born. It's not quite what I thought it would be, but it is what it is and I couldn't be happier to be home with my sweet baby girl.
Speaking of my sweet baby girl...she is about to be one. You don't have to remind me that I've been a total slacker and haven't posted a monthly update in ages. I promise it's coming. Right now I'm super busy working and trying to soak up the last two weeks of her first year of life. I find myself tearing up some days at the thought of how fast and how much she's grown. Yet I'm so proud to be her Mother...to see her day to day accomplishments...to make her laugh...comfort her sadness...and cheer her on. I'm also trying to plan a little family/ close friends party. This is not as easy as one might think. Any advice on this subject is welcome.
I'm looking forward to a few things. My Sis and her Husband are coming up to visit us on the 4th of July weekend! My Brother is going on a mission to Carlsbad, CA in a little over a month- he got his mission call when I was home for my Little Sis's wedding. I get to go home in a little less than a month to see my family. I'm not thrilled that he'll be gone for two years because I'm really going to miss him...but he's doing an amazing thing and I'm so proud of him.
I know it's not a thorough update, but it's late and I need to hit the sack so I can start again tomorrow. More to come...and thanks for sticking around. Your comments meant a lot to me.
And just because I know a couple people who are dying to see her...an updated picture of Zoe to swoon over. :)
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